The answer to the question of go for the girl or let it be?

[asmodai]

Hi all,

 

I'm feeling a bit down, so please forgive me if im rambling a bit:

Posted before about a girl i had a on/off crush with in highschool but never acted on it, and so when i met up with her 4years later i thought i'd kill myself if i let the opportunity slip again, so long story short we dated for a couple of months earlier in the year, until she broke it off saying she was not 'ready for a relationship'. But before me this girl was just coming off a 3 year or so relationship with a guy 10 years her senior, Now dont get me wrong, i dont mean to dis this guy but he doesn't even have a car licence (she drove him around everywhere for him), and cant even work unsupervised (he washes dishes for a living!!). And yes, I would call myself the rebound guy, that so often gets screwed over in these sort of circumstances, well my story is no exception.

 

Anyway, my question to the forum was to call her or let it be, well i have the answer. I didn't call her but thought i'd ask a mate whos friends with her friend/flatmate, and so as it turns out she's just got back together with her ex I'm not a selfish guy, so I would want her to be happy (and so i guess thats not with me) but I do care so much for this girl even now and it hurts me to think that she went back to HIM. If she didn't want me well fine, but any other guy would have been better.

 

She is the most beautiful, intellegent and amazing girl i've ever met, and ever since i laid eyes on her my thoughts have been with her. I know she deserves better, but I also know I cant tell her how to act and who to love, so there is nothing left for me to do but finally put the lid on this situation that has gone on for as long as I can remember.

 

I just want to add a final note to anyone coming off a breakup, please dont go out with someone until you KNOW you are over you're ex, using a rebound relationship will make you feel better - sure, it must be great to have someone hold you and tell you how amazing you are and want to be around you, when you are at your lowest., but PLEASE think of the other person, they may feel for you alot more than you realise and you can hurt them more than you'll ever know.

[NinjaLink]

I'm sorry that happened to you. Yea, that is pretty painful when you care about someone a lot and they just leave you like you are nothing. The only good thing that came out of all this was that you learned something. You learned that next time you wouldn't put yourself in this position. 99.9% relationships in your life will not last and you must realize that. Only one special girl will last. Sometimes you just got to live life and let love come to you. It may sound like a hard task, but it really isn't. Just talk to a lot of people and make friends with them. Most relationships that last are the ones in which you started out as friends. Stay friends with the girl that left you. Things may change, and even if they don't atleast you gained a friend instead of nothing.

[HaloDestroyer]

Definitely, what NinjaLink is saying is 100% accurate! Do keep friends with this girl, and just hold on.... That special person WILL come around one day.

 

Asmodai (40K fan!?), it might be painful, but at least you had a go, right? At least you had the chance that 99.99% (Sorry, I stole your percentage, NinjaLink!) of us are presented with, but never take advantage of, and then regret it.

 

Well done for trying, and just hold on for the right person... You'll know when they come into your life...

 

Ben.

 

XxX xXx

[asmodai]

Yeah I tried and failed, I can see that. I did the best I could, gave my everything for her, and clearly that wasnt good enough. I haven't gotten over her and even recently the question of a future with her was lingering in my mind, but now that shes gone back to her old ex in some way i needed this to finally close this chapter as there is no hope for me and her as far as i'm concerned, and I at least can say that I wouldn't want to be with someone so blind, It still doesnt stop it hurting tho.

 

I know for a fact that THEY got back together because they remained friends after she broke up with him, I was fine with that as him and her had alot of history together and I didn't want to infringe on that (even thru our time together but I trusted her enough to know she was not cheating), but I dont see the wisdom in me staying friends with her. After we broke up she said twice that she'd call and we'd do something as friends, but she never did. I haven't heard anything from her since she broke up with me, which tells me that i was nothing more than a doormat for her, what do you think? or was she too scared to call me because i took the breakup badly (at first anyway)

 

The ball was in her court to continue the relationship on the friend level (which I made clear I at least wanted to stay in touch) and she never took it. Its a blow to my confidence that I could be valued so poorly by someone I care so deeply about and it sucks that she went back to a guy she had relationship problems with all along, a guy that she had said 'wasn't right for her', that the things she wanted out of life she couldn't do with him, instead of attempting to salvage a relationship with me that failed because it just wasn't working, whether it was from just bad timing or maybe her and me really weren't right for each other i'll never know.

 

But again, it is HER decision, HER life and I respect it, she is a free spirit and if she is happy with him then fine I certainly wish her all the best- I harbour no bad feelings toward her, or even him for that matter. I think I could cope with being her friend, and would certainly like that but given what i've said already (how she never called me) should I persue a friendship. all i'd want would be exchanging emails really., how could I go about this as i've got no real ideas?? How could i contact her and what could I say???

[Celadon]

Yeah I tried and failed, I can see that. I did the best I could, gave my everything for her, and clearly that wasnt good enough.

 

Hi asmodai, so sorry to hear about what you've been through. I just wanted to say please please don't think you're "not good enough" or what you did wasn't enough. In romance it's not about measuring up -- it's about finding someone you feel is compatible with you.

 

This girl has history with her ex, so she clearly feels something's there between them. Whether she's wrong or right, it's for her to figure out.

 

I'm in a situation too where the guy I was interested in is still attached to his ex-girlfriend. I took it hard when I realized there's no chance right now, but a friend reminded me -- the rejection isn't about me. It's about him finding the right match, and he feels it's his ex, for understandable reasons.

 

Too many times I hear people say bitterly that "Oh, she doesn't think I'm good looking enough" or "he thinks my personality's not bubbly enough" or whatever.

 

Yeah sure, some people are shallow and they're trying to get the best trophy bf/gf they can. But so many more times I think it's just about a person looking for someone they feel compatible with. If they need someone more outgoing than you to spark their own personality, it's not that you're a bad person in any way. It's about finding the right fit for both people. Hang in there!