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Chronicles Of My Dysfunction


bittensmitten

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Sometimes I find myself sitting, scrolling through Facebook, I'm bored. Perusing pictures on Instagram, hoping to feel some sort of connection; nothing. I think maybe I'll find what I'm looking for, but can't really place into words, elsewhere…find my way over to the the blogs that used to be my daily reads. These people don't know me, I don't really know them either but the intimate details of their lives that they've shared foster an artificial depth. You could say that there is 'care' there. Is that weird? I don't know anymore. Sometimes I just don't know.

 

I cried today. I looked over the email I sent to Paul at the end of August and I just wept. It's not the first time rereading that email has brought me to tears. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in denial. Do I want to be with him, but tell myself that it's not what I want? It sounds far-fetched, but the mind is a funny thing and there are a number of instances where I've seen it 'protect' itself from what may have been overwhelming. My ability to identify these instances occurs, of course, after the fact and after I'm not quite as attached to the emotions surrounding issues. It's always issues of emotion though. Does this mean that I have an emotional disorder of some type? I can't quite process emotions at the same speed as other people.. sounds almost autistic. I don't think that's what it is, but I feel a bit stunted because of it.

 

I reached out to Jerry last week. I know that that fact would hurt Paul..or it would make him feel even more justified in his decision that we shouldn't be friends. I miss him so much that being in touch with Jerry serves to remind me of Paul. Things feel 'good' between Jerry and I.. friendly, familiar, easy. Nothing more to it and nothing less.

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Found this the other night when I was looking through some quotes on existentialism.. Spent all too much time watching the videos because it was quite relatable to me. My deconversion story is different, in that I think the straw that broke the camel's back was the immense pain I felt when I dealt with anxiety/agoraphobia and the lack of response from the God that I'd dedicated my entire being to. There certainly was an intellectual aspect to it as well, but I didn't delve into that because my salvation was based on a relationship that I'd formed with Jesus; a connection to something that felt so much bigger than me. Ironically, that relationship was ultimately what led to my deconversion.

 

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  • 4 months later...

Feeling awfully introspective on this night before Finals. Have quite a bit more studying to take care of, but feel this need to get something out of me. It physically feels as though there is something within me that is about to burst; it's this combination of positive and negative emotions. I keep trying to decipher what is really there. Is there a root? Is one emotion stronger than the other? Why am I feeling this combination of things? I think that I'm just supposed to allow it to be and to feel it. I want to pick at it, but I may fall apart if I do.

 

I'm happy, I'm sad, I feel empowered and I feel vulnerable, I feel at ease but recognize that I'm in the midst of a tornado. It's strange, but I think that I'm truly feeling everything. I'm not in a hyperemotional state where judgement and reason are cloudy, but I'm not in a detached completely linear state of mind either.

 

As this quarter at school ends and I prepare for a trip that is going to take me away from family, friends and all creature comforts I'm beginning to realize that life really is what you make it to be. I am 100% responsible for this life that I'm leading; this is my doing. Genetics played its part and there certainly have been people that have come and gone, leaving an imprint on my life but ultimately my life is my baby. It's up to me to nurture and develop it. I get to choose. I guess I'll leave it at that.

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