Question of finally being permanently together after an LDR

[Mr. Cactus]

I think the general consensus of opinion of members here is that an LDR only works - in the end - if there is an ultimate plan for both partners to be physically together. By this I don't mean occasional meetings. I mean that one or both partners physically move address - be that 100 miles or 10000 miles, so as to finally be with their partner on a permanent basis.

 

Whilst I know some people would argue this is not necessary, for the sake of my question, I would like to assume that everybody in an LDR ultimately is going to have to make the decision regarding whether they move to be with their partner, or vice versa (or in fact, both partners relocate to be together).

 

What I am interested in is how difficult people have found this decision to make, how the decision was made, and what factors made the decision difficult (or even easy) to make. Or in fact, was the decision too difficult and did the relationship end as a result?

 

For example, lets say you currently live 5,000 miles from your partner. You have family and friends where you live. You love the area you live in. How hard would it be to leave the area and leave your family to be with your partner. Is this a no brainer? Does your potential life partner mean so much to you that you are prepared to live away from the other people that you love, even though you can still stay in contact with them? And move away from an area that you love?

 

What about deciding which partner moves? Both partners, for example may love the area they live in and have family they want to remain close to. What then? Does the compulsion to be with your partner override these things when true love is involved?

 

Anyone who has had experience in these situations please chime in with your comments! Thank you

[tea]

Eh.. going to be short because I''m having one of my lazy days...

 

I'm the one that'll probably end up moving. For the two of us, it's really who's more mobile moves for the other one, and whoever gets the better job moves... at the moment bf's not exactly mobile. he's never in the same place for too long but it's not like he can choose to move home with me. ^_^ So, I'm probably the one that's going to end up moving.

 

Moving to Japan is a big step for me mainly because I don't speak Japanese well and I'm extremely worried that I won't find a job. Job means security for me and... without a job I'd be awfully depressed all the time. I'm fairly certain I should be able to find a position in Japan.. then moving isn't too big a deal for me, because I've been moving around all my life. ^_^ I'm really used to moving and meeting new friends plus my family isn't a very... loving happy family that I have no problem getting as far away from them as possible.

 

In the future though, when bf's done with his job, we might move back to LA or move to Chicago. I like Chicago better... it's more metropolitan than LA I think. ^_^ I like cities. we'll have to wait and see though.

[Rainy]

I am moving in the summer, i am moving in with my boyfriend we are stayn with his family till i get settled,

 

i am nervous about moving away from my family and job, but i love my boy friend and cant wait to be with him, i do wish we lived in the same country!!

[Mr. Cactus]

Thanks both of you for the replies so far.

 

Rainy, your situation interests me, because at present my LDR spans two continents. Did you ever discuss the possibility of your boyfriend moving to be with you? Or didn't that come into the equation? Did he ever offer to move? Do you mind if I ask how far you will have to move? So you are clearly saying that despite all the negatives, since you truly love your boyfriend, being with him is far more important than anything else and that outweighs all the negatives?

 

The reason I have raised this issue is that a long distance friendship I have had for 18 months is now quite obviously turning into something else (from the point of view of both of us). Although the prospect of us being together would seem to be in the far distance (I would want her to complete all her tertiary education where she currently located at the absolute minimum), there is a possibility we are going to have to face these issues should the relationship continue.

 

My problem is that there are a couple of reasons which make my moving a legal impossibility, and she is sending me subtle signals that she loves being where she is now. Although these issues might not come to a head for maybe 3 years, I have to wonder whether it is in her best interests for me to continue the relationhsip, even though for my personal sake I would want to do this more than anything. But then again, she is young and she might change and decide down the track she wants to move to be with me afterall. In which case I threw away the best opportunity of my life.

[PAdreamer]

The decision was not hard for me at all. All my family is here, all my friends... I've lived here my whole life. But I love Aaron and I want to be with him. So for me it was not a hard decision. We did go back and forth a little over who would move. But that was simply because I felt a little uneasy about the fact that I seemed to be the one making all the sacrifices.

 

The only thing that has been in my way is money. Besides that, the plan to live together is still intact. We're aiming for the end of the summer!

[Mr. Cactus]

Thanks PADreamer,

 

I guess your answer sort of confirms what I was wondering. If the relationship is really that strong, then the desire to move overrides the negatives. So I guess in my case, if in the future we got to the point you are at - and my partner did not want to move to be with me - then perhaps there is a good side to that, as the relationship might not have been as strong as I actually thought it was. Not that I would hold this against her, since it's her life and she would be the one having to make the sacrifices in order to move.

 

Unfortunately at this stage, if I were a clairvoyant, I would say the above scenario will actually be how our relationship will ultimately pan out. But given that people change (and her more than me given her youth), I wonder if it is worthwhile continuing the relationship in the hope it might grow stronger and her feelings about relocating might ultimately change.

 

Or do people perceive that as my taking advantage of someone who will only end up geting hurt (and of course I would be devasted myself)??

 

Oh, and the reasons I have not taken this discussion up with my partner is two fold. One, she really has to focus on her education at the moment. And 2, when I do try to raise the subject, she becomes extremely touchy and sensitive about it, and makes it very clear she doesn't want to discuss it.

[atigdng]

Well 10,000 miles is about the correct distance for me Yes, someone has to compramise, there would be no real point to the relationship if you never saw the person, I have gone from 2 miles distance to 500 miles to soon being 10,000 miles, (can't wait )

 

But if there is no plan to get back together than there isn't anything at all.

[Mr. Cactus]

But if there is no plan to get back together than there isn't anything at all.

 

I completely agree. Now the question becomes philosophical though. The alternative is to break off a relationship now when this girl is absolutely busting her gut trying to make it work. If she wasn't trying her heart out in this relationship, I doubt she would spend about 2 plus hours every day of the week talking to me. I know I wouldn't if I didn't care about it. So on the one hand it doesn't seem much of a reward for me to say, "sorry there is no long term future, so I think she should break it off now before we get in too deep". And it doesn't seem much of a reward either to go on for 3 more years, at the end of which we find we will never be together anyway.

 

I can't believe it, but I think I've maneouvered myself into a complete lose / lose situation here I am a real clod.

[tea]

Well, none of us know what's going to happen in the future, so we just do our best and do whatever we want to do.. most of the time.

 

If you think the two of you can get together in the future and there's a possibility that you'll last, then it's probably worth it?

[Mr. Cactus]

Well, none of us know what's going to happen in the future, so we just do our best and do whatever we want to do.. most of the time.

 

If you think the two of you can get together in the future and there's a possibility that you'll last, then it's probably worth it?

 

Yes, I certainly think it would be worth it. That's why there is a side of me reluctant to break things off. Simply because I believe there is some chance our relationship will have a happy ending. I don't think the chance is very high, however. So it sort of seems cruel to deny her a chance for the future with the effort she has put in.

 

But let me put the question to you girls a different way. Let's say you had a long (3 - 5 year) LDR. Then, in the end, you could simply not agree on a plan or method to be physically together (for whatever reason since there a re lots of possible reasons). How would you feel? Would you prefer the relationship had not happened at all? Would you hold a deep grudge against your boyfriend? Would it negatively affect your future relationships? Would it be soul destroying for you, or would you simply cut your losses and least know that you had an enjoyable experience whilst it lasted?

 

When I fell in love with my friend, and she started to feel the same way, I decided that if there was going to be any pain involved, I would rather cop as much of it as possible (mainly because I think I fell for her first and secondly she is much younger than I am). Anyway, I am trying to get a perspective on this more with regard to her feelings than mine. I'm old enough to sulk for years if it goes sour and I don't think it would impact my future socially, since I have never considered myself a very socially active person in any case, particularly in regard to experience with the opssotie sex. But I am worried for her.

[tea]

I would have made both parties agree on a possible method before even entering the relationship. If both of you know what you want for your future, talk about it. If one party has big issues with moving away from his/her family, talk about that too... figure out who's most likely going to have to compromise and which city you most likely want to live in.. it doesn't have to be exact or precise. i would just want a general idea of what the two of us both want.

[Mr. Cactus]

Your logic seems right to me. But she has a great sensitivity to the subject for some reason. She became quite defensive when I even mentioned the word "future" in even a general context and I felt that if I continued to push it, a massive row would have erupted. I'm not really sure why she has this hypersensitivity to the topic, but she seems to be a person of the "moment" - at least that is how she puts it when I asked her.

 

I mean, it's quite plausible she is enjoying the relationship for what it is and has no concerns at all about the future - good, bad or indifferent.

[Mr. Cactus]

Well I have had a good night's sleep, and I have made the decision to commence subtly backing out of this relationship. I think now is the best time to start this, as she is close to having finished her yearly exams and thus whatever transpires over the next little while will have a minimal impact on her academically.

 

I don't feel I have any right to press serious relationship issues with someone so young and who really needs to concentrate on her study. Secondly she has made it clear to me how much she loves being where she is. The bottom line is that if this relationship were ever to work, she would be forced to make compromises and sacrifices that I don't believe are fair. I do believe that even if she loves me, sometimes career satisfaction and being with family and friends in a country she loves are far more important than this. I truly believe this to be the case here as well.

 

I feel it is better to start ending this now than letting it drag on for however long. I just feel it will be a harder fall for her otherwise. Personally this is probably he most emotionally devasting decision I have ever had to make in my life. I love her so dearly and she has totally changed my life. This is going to be miserable time indeed. I just hope far less for her than me.

[diana084]

My bf is only 3 1/2 hours from here but its still some distance and due to work and school,we dont get to see each other that much.He's planning to move here next year,sometime in July-August.Now,he wasnt really sure at first,he had doubts and all,but now he says he knows he wants to be with me and he will.

As for me,I thought of moving there with him,I like his city,its bigger,different,I could get a job there.I've been wanting to leave home for quite a long time anyway,so I was planning on leaving soon.The only problem would be me missing my mom too much but I had talked to her about it and she said I should do what makes me happy and of course we could talk everyday and see each other often.So,in the end,it really wouldnt be that hard for me to move there.But my bf has family here and his parents are moving here soon anyway so we thought it was only fair for him to come since he'd be near family anyway and I would too.

[DJ_Element]

Hey all, happy new year to you

 

Firstly, i'm in an LDR too...why else would I be reading this?

 

Okay, my girlfriend (actually...my fiance hehe) is over 10200 miles away from me...she's in california and i'm in Cape Town, South Africa. We've been together for 6 months (so short!!!) but both of us already know that we want to spend our lives with each other, and we've been very open about that. We're continuously tellin each other how much we love each other and how we're gonna be happy together no matter what...me more than her most times, but thats her personality which is different to mine.

 

Nevertheless, we both don't have any money..we're really poor. As you can imagine, that kinda distance = big $$$

 

So naturally, the question of who was gonna move where came into mind...and we talked about it. And of course there was hesitation...its gonna be hard on both of us, no matter who moves...and both of us moving won't help either. So, I looked at it in a financial situation. With currency conversions and a big of research, I found out that the cost of living by me is cheaper than it is by her, and property costs a HUGE amount more...i can get more for my money here...which is surprising, but true. Plus, I have just gotten a job in my chosen career of webdesign and also I didn't want to lose the financial foundation that I had started a few years back...not to mention that converting my currency to dollars would end up leaving me with only a fraction of my money...

 

So, I told her that as important as our friends and families are, and yes...it is vital...if we are gonna be together like we planned, one of us will have to move. I then asked her why she shouldn't move, and then I told her why I shouldn't move. Just in case you're wondering...its not about who wins here...its about doing whats best. I did tell her that if it really was a smart thing to do financially, I would be over there in an instant...So, she saw that what I was saying made sense and she eventually told me, when i asked her "would you be prepared to move to South Africa to be with me?" she said "Yes I would"!!

 

She told me then that it didn't matter to her that she would be away from her family because she cared enough about me to realise that it would be the best thing for her to move here.

 

Situation resolved.

 

The way i've described it may seem a bit rushed and kinda "formal" ... there's lots of love between us, it's not as cold as it seems hehe.

 

Anyway Mr. Cactus and others...I hope that your LDR's work out....I personally don't agree with your decision to just back out...iI would wait it out a bit more and get more information...if you know what I mean...but then again I don't know the intricacies of the relationship...so good luck no matter what your decision!!

[qt]

well, my boyfriend lives in manchester. he's lived there all his life and has some really good mates and hes at uni there. i on the other hand live in s.wales. only lived here a couple of years (moved to be closer near family as my mum is ill) i have mates but im 18 and am about to go off to uni. so i applied to go to manchester to study dentistry. we were all set, i had an interview etc etc...

but then i didnt get a place and it set back plans, had a tough 2weeks talking and deciding. i got an offer to study dentistry in london, but that was too far away and altho my family want me to go there, ive made the decision of going to manchester metropolitan to study dental technology insted. obviously not as good as dentist, but to be really honest i think its more suited for me. my bf said he'd move to where i was goin to study, but i cdnt let him give up the degree he's almost doena dn enither of us cd wait another year for us to be together.