Just so confused

[iamenough]

Hey everyone.

 

So I was on here a while ago when my boyfriend and I broke up, and we got back together in early February and just broke up again. I'm just so confused..maybe someone on here can shed some light on this for me, because I for one am lost.

 

So basically my boyfriend and I had this thing that he had been lying to me about for basically our entire relationship. He told me he had stopped basically since we got back together, and just last night told me that he had been lying about it and had still been doing it. I wanted to help him get over it, and although I was really upset, I wasn't going to break up with him. All of the sudden, he starts talking about "what we're going to tell people" and how much he was going to miss me. I was dumbfounded. I told him I would stay with him and he said he couldn't. I talked to him after just because I was so confused and didn't understand, and he told me that he loved me and was happy with me but felt too much guilt for lying to me and that he couldn't be with me anymore.

 

I just don't understand it. There has to be something more to this, right? If he was so happy with me and loves me so much, and I was willing to stay with him and help him get through this, why is he so intent on breaking up? I just don't understand and it's killing me. It's only been one day but I can't eat, or sleep, and so many bad memories are just rushing back from last time. I'm trying to stay strong and tell myself that everything will work out but right now it seems so hopeless.

 

Thanks guys, in advance.

[James1607309258]

Hey, i know its hard, thats how my break up went. My gurl told me that she would never find anyone to take my place but she couldnt stand the sight of me. Dont sit around looking for another answer. Youll torture yourself looking for it and you dont need to go through anymore pain. Just find friends to hold on too so that you can make it through, you know everyone here has your back and we will give all the advice and support that we have even through our own messed up situations. Lifes too short to wonder why people do the things they do, you just gotta accept that sometimes you gotta put caring for yourself above caring for others. I hope i helped a bit.

[catfeeder]

I don't understand what he was doing that he claimed to have stopped.

[iamenough]

I don't understand what he was doing that he claimed to have stopped.

 

He used chewing tobacco which I told him from the beginning I wouldn't put up with and wanted to help him stop. But he never gave me the option to help. He just lied and told me he quit, and then 4 months would pass, and he'd get drunk and tell me he didn't. Which is why I don't believe he'd break up with me for that. It's happened so many times before.

[iamenough]

Morning and nights are the worst. The weekends, including Sundays were always our sleepover nights (we go to the same university). It's been really hard to fall asleep and get up in the morning knowing that if I had done something different I'd be waking up next to him.

[catfeeder]

He used chewing tobacco which I told him from the beginning I wouldn't put up with and wanted to help him stop. But he never gave me the option to help. He just lied and told me he quit, and then 4 months would pass, and he'd get drunk and tell me he didn't. Which is why I don't believe he'd break up with me for that. It's happened so many times before.

 

Then he's telling you that you're demanding he change behavior that he has no real intention of changing--so he's giving you up instead.

 

This is why ultimatums don't work unless you're legitimately willing to walk away. Otherwise it's just a tool to beat someone with to make them feel guilty--and when they get sick of feeling guilty, they'll call your bluff.

 

You have every right not to tolerate something that's gross and unhealthy and effects you--which means you have the right to walk away from anyone who does it. If you're not willing to do that, then, sure, you have the right to say, "You can't bring that into my home, you can't use it around me, and if you use it before seeing me, I won't kiss you unless you bathe and brush your teeth."

 

Beyond that, saying, "You need to change a behavior--no compromise--or I'm gone," when you're not really willing to go, essentially means, "..and if you don't want to change it, you'll need to be sneaky to avoid getting caught, which will wear awfully thin awfully quick, or YOU need to walk away."

 

So he's walking away.

[iamenough]

It wasn't really an ultimatum though. Every time he came clean I told him I just wanted him to tell me the truth (it became more about honesty than about the dip), and every time he'd keep lying to me. When we broke up I told him I loved him enough that I'd put up with it as long as he was honest with me about it. He said he thought I could never trust him again, so he ended it. It just doesn't make sense.

 

Either way I learned from my last breakup with him. I won't text him, no matter how bad I want to. It never ends well. I'm going to try to make him think that I'm not hurt, even though I'm dying inside. Hopefully if I can trick him I'll be able to trick myself too.

[catfeeder]

It wasn't really an ultimatum though. Every time he came clean I told him I just wanted him to tell me the truth (it became more about honesty than about the dip), and every time he'd keep lying to me. When we broke up I told him I loved him enough that I'd put up with it as long as he was honest with me about it. He said he thought I could never trust him again, so he ended it. It just doesn't make sense.

 

Ewww...You asked him to report to you on his own bad behavior? That's a setup.

 

Who would do that? Were you his GF or his parent--or the worst possible, unsexy combo of a GF who acts like a parent?

 

Are you saying you always ran back to your parents to tell on yourself whenever you did something they would disapprove of?

 

That's not even logical. That's asking him to squirm every time he does something that's 1) legal, 2) not immoral, and 3) only your business to the degree that he would WANT to share it.

 

He didn't want to share it.

 

Your best bet would have been to back off this issue and leave it alone, "I feel strongly about the tobacco because I'm afraid of the harm it could bring to you. But I understand--I'm not your parent, I respect you. So respect me back by keeping it away from me and ensuring that I can't smell it on you. I don't want to know a thing about it."

 

Then the subject is done--unless you marry him. Then I'd ask him to take out a hUge life insurance policy and rethink his choices each time he pays the bill.

 

Either way I learned from my last breakup with him. I won't text him, no matter how bad I want to. It never ends well. I'm going to try to make him think that I'm not hurt, even though I'm dying inside. Hopefully if I can trick him I'll be able to trick myself too.

 

I understand what you mean by that. You're entitled to do whatever you need to do to get through this.

 

We're here for you.