Completely torn

[Tihi]

I broke up with my long distance boyfriend two weeks ago. He had promised me that he would no longer speak to a woman he had a seven-year long distance emotional affair with before he and I got together (he had, however told her before we got together in his eyes it had never happened, and he had never loved her), but had broken that promise and spoken to her from my PC while I was at university, although only in a friendly, conversational manner, nothing untoward occurred- I asked this promise of him only because he lied to me for a year about what had gone on between them. He had also spent a large amount of money on porn subscriptions, despite struggling financially when he and I were due to move in together next year. It was the final straw in a long list of betrayals, lies and arguments.

 

As mentioned, we were long distance, and when we were together in person it was like the world made sense. It was perfect in every sense of the word. But when apart we were plagued by arguments, largely stemming from my emotional paranoia clashing with his unemotional Asperger's Syndrome. Basically, when we argued, I would cry and get very overemotional, and he would shut down and become callously robotic in response. I often accused him of not caring or loving me- when I was upset he would often start joking around, talking about random things, and pretending nothing was happening or wrong.

 

However, we are in total limbo now. I tried to cut off contact the day after we broke up, but caved in quickly. We argued for a day solid before agreeing to be friends. However, within two days we both crumbled; it was impossible to talk without one of us slipping in a term of endearment, blowing a kiss. We have never been able to be just friends. The issue is, we both feel we are soul mates. We have discussed marriage, children, and were in the process of buying a flat when this all happened. I can honestly say I will never love anyone as much as I love him, and indeed I don't believe I can ever stop loving him. Whoever I am with will always be second in my heart. Right now we have agreed that we are not "together", but we will not see anyone else. We only have maybe an hour or two to talk a day at the moment, due to him getting back into education and trying to get his life back on track (he was a recluse for all of his teens due to his Asperger's, weight issues and self esteem problems).

 

But we are surrounded by so much mess. I suffer from severe jealousy, paranoia and am incredibly fearful at the moment. This behaviour from me pushes him away further, which only increases how scared I am. He says he loves me, and sees me in his future, but says we cannot get back together right now, as he feels things would only stay the same, and that it would prevent him from sorting his life out. He admits he still feels very raw, hurt and scarred from the break-up. He is adamant he wants me in his life though, but basically... only when it suits him. In his words, he says he does not have the time to deal with the negatives or talk about things at the moment (he is on a 6 week intensive course, out for 12 hours a day, 5 days a week) and does not want to feel obligated to come home to talk to me instantly, and he wishes to spend his weekends reconnecting with old friends.

 

It would be easier to cut off and move on if it wasn't for the fact that we had made plans for Christmas while still together; he was to come visit me for a week (we booked a hotel to stay in), we would spend Christmas Day with our families, and I would go visit him and stay with his family over New Year. However, he has since told me that due to our breakup his mother says she can no longer welcome me in her house. So we only have a week together in December, instead of three weeks, and chances are we will not see each other again for a long time after that.

 

I am left completely torn. I love him more than anything, and I regret ending it more than I can put into words- I would take it all back if I could, I would rather put up with any lies, any betrayal, anything that not have him any more. However we cannot get back together at the moment. But we both feel we are soulmates, we both want a future with each other. We just cannot have a present. I lack the strength to walk away. But right now I am living off breadcrumbs.

[LC8328]

This relationship seems very complicated, with as many ups and downs as a roller coaster.

 

First, there is no way to know if either of you will thrive in this 'break-up' if you're talking for an hour or two every day, and have plans to spend a week together during the holidays.

 

Second, and I know this sounds harsh and I apologize, all of us say we're never going to love anyone as much ever again. I'm just playing devil's advocate here by saying that there is no way you can possibly know that. You have no idea what things you can accomplish in your life or what people you could meet because you haven't even taken the first step toward independence yet.

 

Third, I'm more worried about you. You say you'd rather put up with any lies and betrayal if that meant you could have him? You're worth more than that. He may be a wonderful person but you should be treated better, and you are the only one who can make sure of this.

 

Fourth, again this will probably sound cruel but I don't mean it that way, there isn't much advice I can think of to give you. Even though you're technically broken up, the both of you still seem so entangled in one another's lives.

 

I predict this up-and-down cycle will never end until you truly let go and truly cut him out of your life. Until then, sadly, I don't see how anything can change. Because the only way you can expect to see change is when you DO something different.