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Please please help me! I'm in such turmoil! I really need some guidance...


Stephneedshelp

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hello i really need some advice. I have to make a decision on something which is really getting me down.. It's my birthday in 2 weeks time and i really would like a clear head beforehand. I just want to relax and enjoy my life again gaining some control.

 

Lets start - when i was 17 i met this guy on holiday in the bahamas (i was away with my mum and dad and he was with his friend and friends family) we had a laugh, danced in the nightclub and had a cheeky kiss. To be honest i thought nothing of it really other than a holiday fling! I was young, free and verging on 18 so basically loving life.

Anyways, i was on holiday for 1 week and him two.. At the end of our week (on my very last day) he declaired that he had fallen in love with me. Me being me was quite annoyed by the fact that he hardly knew me and i never once got this impression from him. He said something very sweet to me which was 'when you know your in love, you know and trust me on this one... I know'. This guy ('j') is such a deep thinker, moody and well, kinda odd. On my last day he really turned serious and seemed very very sad so we exchanged phone numbers to keep in contact.

As soon as i touched down back into the uk, he had been calling me, texting me and saying how much he missed me and that i was the girl of his dreams... As bad as this sounds, i just thought it was a short holiday romance... Nothing more.

 

Anyways, a few weeks went by and 'j' was desperate to see me and was willing to drive 5 hours from north to south (to my home) to meet again. After putting him off a few times, i agreed that this guy was really pushing himself forwards so why not?!

He came down, things were good although he remained very emotionless and kinda moody.. Again when it was time for him to head back home (after a weekend together) he turned dark and quiet. Back at his home, again he bombarded me with messages saying what an amazing time he'd had with me and how i was the only girl for him. He had a funny way of showing his emotions!

I guess my feelings just grew the more and more he came to visit me. It was a whirlwind, one minute i was carefree and single... Then the next, we were 'seeing eachother' and well, i fell in love. Deeply and emotionally i completely fell for this guy. He seemed mature, mysterious and yet totally devoted to me. I'd go up to visit his family in manchester and he'd travel down south to see me. Everything was great. We were inseperable. I loved him and i told him.

 

One day, he decided that this long distance relationship needed more. He then decided to move his entire life down to live near me (18 years old at this point) i was overwhelmed, speechless, totally scared but touched by the fact he loved me so much that he wanted to transform his life so we could be together. It sounds like a romantic love story but at the time i was too busy feeling frightened and trapped to feel excited. I put no pressure on him whatsoever - in fact i was the one saying "are you sure about this?"

He came away on holiday to holland for the new year with my family and after along chat, they offered him a room in my sister and her fiance's flat for a short while - plus my dad required some help in his furniture shop so offered 'j' the position. He accepted and before i could say anything, he had driven 5 hours with his entire life to move in only 5 minutes down the road from me!!!!! Yikes!!!

 

Time went by and we were happy. Very happy and so in love. Yes we bickered and yes things were tough, but we always stuck together and we were destined for life. He was happily settled in the flat (my sister and her fiance too as the rent was split so meant cheaper stay for them) plus he was doing extraordinary at my dads furniture shop and had even been promoted to manager! Him being around has taken so much pressure off my mum and dad also giving them a lot of free time to enjoy away - they deserve it!

 

3/4 years on things turned sour... We'd argue and could both feel the connection failing at some points. It seemed as though we were together because it was comfortable (we are eachothers very first love so had only ever been together). He had always been so very selfish.. There was a crucial time where my grandma had passed away and 'j' was the person i needed most. I waited at home for him to arrive in such a state after hearing the news... I told him in the early afternoon and waited for his arrival for hours.... Time went by and i needed him to comfort me, to hold me and to tell me everything would be ok. He came over about 11pm because 'he was having his dinner first' and i will never forget that.

He went off the rails. There was a time when he first came down and had no guy friends and felt lonely so i merged them and 'j' together to help him out. Well as it seems, the friends i had pushed his way became his number 1 priority. He decided to choose them over me, every time. He broke my heart. There were times we could have gone on dates together to work on issues but he went out clubbing. Every single weekend. He just went mad. Always partying and always destroying my feelings. I loved him yet he was hurting me so badly. I'd see pictures of him 'living it up' and with his arms around other girls. Many times he has promised me that he has never done anything with anyone else but i don't buy it. All seems too strange. He would keep going back to manchester to see his friends and end up at random house parties, clubs, events - drunk.

I was lost. I was needy and my entire confidence was at an all time low. He had dumped me and just gone crazy...

 

My decision was that 'i'd had enough' i needed to get away so i fulfilled a lifetime dream (after much saving) to travel to africa for 2 months to get away, clear my head and find myself again. I had the time of my life working voluntary in schools, orphanages and generally caring for the local community (i travelled solo and met an organisation out there) it was the biggest decision i had ever made but i needed to do it.. For me.

 

Returning home just in time for xmas and i felt good. I was moving on with my life and felt so much stronger. 'J' remained living down the road and often he'd text me, call me, write me letters, beg for me back but i remained headstrong.. My mum said that i needed to meet him to clear the air and tell him to go back home as he was just hanging on, so one day i nervously met him for a drink and we chatted. Things didn't quite go to plan and i weakened when i saw him... Even to this day i regret going back but everything happens for a reason i guess.

 

Christmas goes by, he's with his family, im with mine. Yes i missed him but i needed to carry on. I couldn't let go of that amazing feeling i felt being myself over the other side of the world in such a deserted place.

 

Okay so this is where it gets really tricky!!!

'J' claims he loves me but still made the same mistakes and was stepping back without really knowing. He just gave up! The problem with him stepping back, was that others were stepping in!! I picked up my life and got a very social bar job in a club and loved it - life was fun again!! I dated lots and loved it! At this stage i had never slept with anyone but 'j'.

 

I meet a guy. His name is 'c' - he is 3 years older than me and is a real gent (although to look at, not my normal type!). He has his own business and i know him from mutual friends. In a nutshell he is sweet, kind, caring, loving and would bend over backwards in order to make me happy. He is amazing and makes my heart flutter! So far we have done so much together and been to some incredible places. I really really fancy him but he was very quick to make things offcial. Too much too soon i think. Before i could stop and think, we were in a relationship! This still now scares and worries me although i do really like him. He is the complete opposite to 'j'!!!!!

Whereas 'j' would be partying and choosing himself over me.... 'C' would wait for me to finish work, pick me up, take me for a drink and present me with some flowers. So i went with it. I enjoyed the attention, affection and it all felt so right.

 

6 months later (bearing in mind im 22 now so this break up has been 2 years!!!) And 'j' finds out. He see's pictures of us together on the internet (ouch, i know. Not fair on my part at all - nobody should be made to hurt that much. I take full responsibilty for causing this and regret the way he found out. I had tried for 6 months to hide any pics but it all came out in the end)...

'J' was absolutely devastated. I had then broken his heart the thing is i still love him but my heart can't determine whether it's love or just a long connection. ??

 

Long story short - he decided that after everything, he wants me back. Clean slate and a fresh start. ('c' knows nothing about my ex coming back on the scene!!!!!!) Selfish of me to think this but i can't bare the thought of him meeting somebody else (crazy right?!) It literally makes me sick to the stomach and i'm terrified of him going home and me making the worst decision ever to see him turn away and never come back... So we have been casually meeting and i have been trying to figure out how i feel.

 

I slept with my ex. Throughout our messy, heartbreak of a relationship - when we sleep together, everything suddenly feels right again. When we go out and about though, im left feeling flat and not very special. Im constantly comparing the situation with the other guy... 'C' - he makes me laugh, is so proud of me and shows his complete emotions (something 'j' never does)

 

Now... Its my birthday in 2 weeks and 'c' has planned some 'special weekend away surprise' and has really gone to great lenghts to get me some lovely gifts and planned everything. He can't wait to treat me and make me feel like a princess yet 'j' also wants to spend some time with me on my birthday. I do not in any way shape or form, want 'j' to go back home heartbroken by the fact that i'm still seeing 'c'.

This time i need to change the situation... But how?! Who do i choose??

'C' who makes me feel fantastic, beautiful, desired and confident

Or

'J' my very first love, whom i hold so many deep feelings for and can never imagine letting go of... (saying goodbye would mean him going home for good as the only reason he's down here is because of me is what im told - plus it would also mean that the main man in my mum & dads business would flee so that would add more pressure on my parents, forcing them to work so much harder....)

 

Please help me with this one. I'm in such turmoil and feel soooo depressed, i can't stop crying and need some advice desperately.

I thank you so much for reading my essay of a post but i have nowhere else to turn. Even my mother is confused what path to take.

Please don't judge me, i'm just in such a state of confusion that i have got myself too deep...

 

Many thanks.

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I think you may need to remain single and just date. If these men are willing to just date you then you will have more time to think clearly about what you want. I do not think its fair to either one of them and not fair to you either as you make it clear that you enjoy your freedom and being single. Happy Birthday and good luck.

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If you stay with man no.1 just because you feel guilty, then you're probably hurting him more in the long run. Prolonging a doomed relationship will just make it more messy. I also agree with Lovaholic that going single for a while may be a good option, you're still very young and it seems like when you went travelling on your own it gave you some peace of mind.

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Darling, I say this with love and acknowledging the fact that I WAS you when I was 22 - you are in absolutely no position to be a good partner in a relationship with ANY man right now. You need to stay strong and be single. You are being very selfish to both of these guys right now, and I know you don't really comprehend how hurtful your actions are, because you are young and you want to have fun. There is nothing wrong with that, but you can do it without lying and covering up things. So be honest with both of them and tell them you don't want a serious relationship right now, and if they want to continue dating you casually they go into it with open eyes.

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Thank you so SO much for taking the time out to write to me and help me solve this situation!

 

Just an update, I took your advice and spoke to 'C' today and opened up telling him that my ex wants me back and that I'm in turmoil.. I was so frightened to talk freely but I just had too. You guys are right, I need to be honest. So I basically said that I need some time to figure things out and oh my gosh, he was amazing. He said 'I can't blame this guy for wanting you back, your amazing and I will wait a lifetime for you. No pressure in fact I want to make you happy so I'm actually very grateful that you have been totally honest with me!" WOW!! Now I need to speak with 'J' - fingers crossed.

 

I guess if its meant to be, it'll happen!

 

Thank you! xXx

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