I feel like the world and my emotions are crashing down on me and I need help.

[Awkwardvirgin]

This is abit of a long read...but I would appreciate it dearly. I don't really know if this is the right forum, but...

 

This is actually a day after I originally wrote this but I didn't have the energy nor courage to post it here...so here it is.

 

So uh...I guess you could say this is my plea for help. I need guidance and advice, because I frankly don’t know what I am going to do or where I am going in life. I don’t know how to deal with these emotions and feelings, and I can’t seem to suppress these negative thoughts. I don’t know how I can get through this, and I feel like the opportunities have passed me by. I feel like giving up on life, and more than once I have seriously contemplated suicide. I can’t seem to hold my tears in and I keep having emotional outbursts. I feel like there is a weight on my chest and that the world is crashing down on me. I feel like the world is trying to consume me, and move on, like I am a parasite, a burden. The world has more than 7 billion people after all, and 1 less won’t make a difference. Ha...uh...I guess you could say this is like a mid-life crisis. To be honest, my life has been kinda easy, at least financially, so I feel incredibly pathetic for being this weak.

 

So...I figure I should at least tell you about myself. Not sure if this is relevant or important, but I am an Asian male attending, and near the end of his first year at university. I am study economics and science, and to be honest, unlike the other people at my school, I got in through the utilization of bonus points and still only made it through the skin of my teeth while alot of my friends got in with their original marks, or are doing medicine or law. I only barely made it into my backup course. I am fat, with a stomach (although this doesn’t matter as much to me at the moment since I am going to the gym...except this week. I haven’t had the energy and I feel like I would breakdown in the middle of the gym) and I am kinda ugly to be honest. 6 on a good day, 4 generally. My face, even if a 6, would look just...bland. My forehead is too big, and I have too many pimples. My face isn’t really that symmetrical, with one side of my face slightly protruding outwards more, and one of my eyes larger than the other (very minor tho, can’t really tell). I am 180cm, and about 1/3 of the year away from my 19th.

 

Just recently, I got rejected by a girl (no, I am not depressed because of that. I might feel devo for a week or 2, but I wasn’t in love or anything, although I do feel like this is contributing to my current state of mind), which for the life of me, I have no idea why I couldn’t get out of my mind for the past 2 weeks. Different personalities, different tastes, different hobbies, different people. Incompatible, people. And yet, I had feelings for her. Ha, I guess it didn’t help that I am asian, and she is a white girl. I mean when is the last time you saw an asian guy with a white a chick. That being said, I doubt that was the reason she turned me down, more likely than not, she agreed with my assessment of us being incompatible. Well, she was out of my league anyway. On her worse days, she is a 7, and at her best, easily a 9. The honest truth here however, is while I am hurt by it, what really hurts me and gets me jealous, is that she gets along better with my friend then she does with me. I introduced them to each other during the first 1/3 of the semester, and while they didn’t immediately hit it off, over time they have gotten quite close, or at least, closer than I am with her. Whenever I am with her, I feel slightly nervous and get mind blanks, and we have nothing to talk about, I feel like its more like silence punctuated by occasional conversation. With those two however, I feel like its conversation, split with occasional silence. They have much more in common, or at least much more to discuss, and have more similar hobbies and personalities.

 

I figure I should probably explain some more. We met when during the first week of semester, and I was mesmerised by her. Her face, her height, her smile, her eyes, everything was perfect. And when we talk, she spoke with such a nice, soft voice that was the same as an angel’s. So we hung out, and initially, things were going alright. But I always felt that whenever we were together, she wished she was elsewhere or in someone else’s company, or was only hanging with me because she was bored and I always felt awkward around her. So through the first 1/3 of the semester, she contacted me to hang out at uni, and I felt great. At this time, I was slightly interested in her, curious, would be a better word, but I didnt’ really pursue anything. So I introduce her to my friend, and intially nothing changes. Now about a week or 2 later, I realise she starts asking about him, and I also realise that we wouldn’t work out, so I suppress my emotions, and think, well if they get along, why not...I also start withdrawing and avoiding her slightly. Now, I felt a little jealous, but nothing much and I thought that was it. Mid-semester break comes, and our group (Photography club, of which the 3 of us are apart of) heads to a trip interstate. And then the jealousy comes out in leaps and bounds. I am angry. I am envious. I am more than slightly bitter. I feel like they didn’t even realise I was there. We never really hung out, it was mostly those two, and whenever I was with them I felt so much like the third wheel it hurt. There conversations rarely included me, and they would always walk off without me. I started to avoid them after abit into the first day, and I made new friends (which isn’t bad but still, it sucked and hurt) and more or less ignored the girl completely and started being a bit douchier to my friend.

Frankly, I feel like she only really hangs with me now because I made an effort during the start of semester, and now she just doesn’t want to ditch me and seem slack.

The last time we had lunch together, her back pretty much turned to me, she didn’t really say anything to me, barely looked at me, and the two times I disappeared for a while, I came back to find them chattering like crazy. When I asked what they were talking about (some psychology thing), she told me it was the stall behind the bins, and kinda brushed me off. Eventually she got the flyer out, but she ended up explaining to him isntead and jsut handed me the flyer to read. Later, we headed to the library to study, but I ended up getting ditched and couldn’t find the two of them.

 

I felt so bad, like my heart got ripped out. I wanted to curl up, I wanted to cry, I wanted to eliminate her from my life, I wish I’d never met her, and I wished he never met her. She doesn’t even need to say anything! Her body language says it all! They way her face lights up, the way she directs her attention and just directs her voice and eyes at him. All of this is unfair to the both of them, as not only did they not do anything wrong, it is normal and natural to talk, befriend and engage with someone who is compatible with you. But nonetheless, I felt like someone had shot daggers through me. The worst of it all however, is that he, by his own free admission, is an introvert who prefers solitude, and he can already holds her attention. I feel like an idiot, I feel stupid, I feel pathetic. Here I am, an extrovert, who throughout the year, has tried very hard to overcome his social awkwardness and social phobia (approaching people and talking to people), trying to make friends to hang out and party together, and there comes my friend to steal the thunder and he doesn’t even care nor want it! I realised throughout all this just how much of an idiot I really am, I have trouble holding a conversation for s sake! So damn useless! I guess she dodged a bullet there. No need to deal with someone that is so much of a failure as a human being, and so emotionally unstable. She still wants to be friends, but frankly, right now, I don’t know whether I should cut her out of my life or not. On one hand, having nice friends is rare, but on the other, whenever I see her name pop up on facebook or my phone, I feel ing . I could use some help with this choice. I don’t have that many female friends, and I don’t know if I should lose more. Whenever I am on facebook, my mind wanders to her, and although more than 50% of the times I quickly push them out of my mind or ignore them, sometimes, they get strong enough that I feel a physical pain in my chest, like my heart aches and I just feel like a failure compared to my friend, and that I am too inferior for her. I feel so angry and jealous at my friend, even though she probably isn’t interested in him either, but he just gets along with her so much better than I do. I feel like I am caughting between two crashing waves, one that wants me to just unfriend her and leave, and the other wants me to keep her as a friend. And for that matter, if anyone can teach me not to be a social , and actually know how to hold a conversation, I would appreciate it alot.

 

So, I told a few friends after the event, and went to get smashed at one of the uni bars (spent like 90 or so bucks on alcohol) with 2 of them. Later on however, I told another friend. We weren’t ever close but we have known each other for 6 years. So I tell him and request he doesn’t tell anyone. He laughs it off, and doesn’t make any sort of comfirmation. He brushes me off and says maybe he will and maybe he won’t, or maybe he will tell everyone and tell them to keep quiet. Now, I don’t know if I am being oversensitive or not as I seem to have lost my sense of humour over the past 2 or 3 weeks, but I feel angry. I feel betrayed and hurt. I feel like he is kicking me while I am down and rubbing dirt in it. I am once again an idiot, for being so trusting and putting myself in this position. It gets worse, because he was pretty much my only social contact ( ie, he was the only one who really ever invited me to events, parties, clubs etc). Now I unfriended him and have essentially killed off my social life.

 

My intellect also seems to be diminishing, I feel like my thoughts were quicker and faster when I was younger (given that I am 18, I am not hold so it can’t be old age), I don’t seem realise things as much, can’t stay as alert, having a hard time piecing things together. Mysteries are harder to crack open and to be honest, I was never really good at them, but I am now worse. Mathematics was quite simple for me as a child, but now, I have a hard time grasping concepts. Even in things that I sort of enjoy like calculus and projectile motion and mathematical induction, I had alot of difficulty ( had because I no longer do much maths). Memorising and understanding things used to be easy, and now I have the memory and abiltiy to grasp things like a goldfish. I can’t seem to plan ahead, or really think ahead, and sometimes, my head just feel ing hollow. My jokes and my sense of humour seem to be getting worse....or maybe they were already terrible and I just realised it. I can’t be witty, no matter how hard I try, I always feel like my remarks are stupid, doesn’t really contribute to the conversation, or when I am trying to be funny, unintelligent. I tried taking an IQ test, and I couldn’t even ing figure out the answer to the 21st question of a 40 question quiz. Granted, I was drunk, had 4 hours of sleep and just got rejected the same day, but now I am terrified to retake it. What if my IQ turns out to be below 100? What if turns out to be 80? I am ing terrified, and intellect matters quite alot to me. I am scared to redo the quiz. Frankly, my parents think I am a failure. They keep yelling at me for being such a moron, unable to get good grades, for being stupid, and you know what? They are ing right.

 

Wittiness and humour, two qualities I admire, due to their ability to make people happy, to endear you to them and to make people like you tend to be linked to intellect and creativeness, and I just feel like I will never achieve these two qualities that I desperately want. All the extremely successful social people seem to have them, and I just wish I did too. Instead, I am often left wondering why the didn’t I think of that?! The ability to hold a conversation, which is the bare minimum needed to make friends, is also related to it, and I simply can’t hold a conversation. My friends can all seem to hold a conversation, and a specific one does it much better than I with the girl that I liked.

 

I don’t know what the hell I am doing with my life to be honest. I don’t know where its leading me, or rather where I am leading it to. I am studying economics and science, and while they are intellectually interesting, I really don’t know if I want to do those degrees. I don’t know if I want to stay, if I want to go, how my life is going to turn out, how I will do in these degrees. I feel empty, lost and without guidance. I am scared of the future. I don’t have a life goal, I don’t have a job, and I can’t network for . Everyone else seems to be doing fine and doing quite well, and here I am, with barely 70% average. They seem to all be putting in the same level of effort...but getting better results. Everyone else seems to be having the time of their lives, partying, hanging out, making new friends and living it up. I feel...abandoned. I feel alone. So ing lonely. I feel left behind as the world moves on with out me. So isolated. My circle at high school all either split off into their own subgroups or made new friends, but I haven’t. People have found girlfriends already, or at least made some female friends, but I haven’t made many, and most of them are more facebook friends that I never really see. Got rejected twice already. I am so undesirable, I can’t even ing make friends. I feel so lonely and unloved.

 

I feel ugly. No, I am ugly. I have a terrible body, quite fat, and my face. Well, I have already described this above. No wonder, chicks don’t like me, and don’t even want to approach me. I can’t seem to let go of the past. My history of being bullied and abused by my parents seem to come back to haunt me. I can’t let it go no matter how hard i try, I feel pathetic thinking about it, I feel impotent anger thinking about it, and ultimately, I feel uselessly weak. I have emotional oubursts (when I am alone usually), and enter moods of anger and sorrow. I don’t know how long it has been going on, but I would estimate that for the past 2 or 3 years, I have been going in and out of cycles of depression, uncontrollably, and after I graduated, it just got infinitely worse. I don’t know how to get out of this, and I don’t know how to move on.

 

And my biggest fear? What if this never changes? What if I am right? What if I am some unintelligent, unwitty fool, who is fat, ugly, socially useless with the wrong set of genetics and will be lonely forever? What if this never changes? What if it stays like this? What if while everyone else, is moving on, making friends, making great memories and having the time of their lives, I am at home, moping and crying to myself and being left behind? I know it is horrible, but when I see people succeeding, their facebook posts of their events, when I see my friends all so intelligent and excelling at school, when I see a handsome guy, I feel so bitter and resentful. It isn’t fair, it isn’t right, but I feel so dejected, and worthless.

 

I just feel like I wasted a year, and somehow, this year feels all to similar to the year I started high school, and things didn’t exactly turn out well. I was pretty much a loser and a social outcast. Now, I am afraid the same thing will happen at uni, only at least at high school you had constant contact with people, at uni, you could go alone for the rest of your time there. I see so many parallels and I am terrified and dejected.I feel scared, I feel like if I don’t do everything or at least make some amount of progress this year, have some solid foundation to base off from this year, I will be screwed. I feel like, if I don’t have...I guess you could say, if I don’t get a rocket off the ground, in my attempt to get into space, I feel like there is no hope. I feel like the moment I reach the age of 19, it is all over, it will be too late. I’d have invested and wasted 18 years of my life for this and have nothing to show for it, and a 19th year will be hopeless as well. Since my next semester will also be mostly first year classes, I feel like I’ll be the reject, or the failure, the 2nd year Uni student doing a first year subject. This is true for my degree, but more importantly for my social life. I feel like I am ED for my social life. I feel hopeless, and like there is no future. I feel so much fear.

 

I guess that didn’t really make sense, or make it clear. The gist of how I feel right now is....everyone has made new friends this year, and have made close friends. Friends who they hang out with, friends who they go clubbing and party with, some have found love, some have found acceptance and a group. But I haven’t. Sure I made some ‘friends’ that I occasionally talk to and hang out with at uni, but almost never out of uni. I haven’t found love or a girlfriend or anything like that. And so I feel left behind. Nothing. And next year will come, my friends, and the world, will move on without me. Their friendships and relationships will blossom, they will get closer and they will go out clubbing and partying and hanging out more. I...will have some ‘friends’ and facebook contacts...and thats it. And I just feel like there is a black hole with in me, ready to consume me. I have a sinking feeling.

 

Frankly, for all my social contact so far, I have just been faking it. And being the idiot I am, I can’t hold a conversation for , so they lose interest in me fast.

 

I just feel so damn lonely. I feel alone and isolated. Just rejected.

 

Please, I need someone to listen and to care. I need someone’s assistance, because I feel like I am losing myself and will be dragged into a black hole. What if I turn out to be some unintelligent , who has inferior genetics and would do humanity a favour by removing himself from the gene pool? I mean, what if I exist just to serve as an example to the rest of humanity what not to become? What if my life’s end goal is to be an unspectacular failure? Logically, suicide makes no sense, and to be honest, I think I am too much of a coward to go through with it, but right now, it just feels so RIGHT, that is is the correct answer and solution, and that it is better for everyone. I feel like I am dragging everyone down and that I am just being pathetic. I really can’t see a way out of this. I don’t even know how I am going to survive the night emotionally and mentally, and even if my body survives I feel like all I’ll end up tomorrow is a husk. Please, I just want to know that my life will be ok, that I’ll matter, make a name for myself, have a reason to exist. I don’t want to die...I just want to know I’m wanted, that I won’t be alone and feel so damn lonely for the rest of my life, to know that I’ll be accepted. Well, I am kinda drained. The tears have stopped, and although I have much more to say, I am exhausted and feel flat. I feel like a weight has been lifted...but I also feel numb and empty. Hollow. I should probably get some sleep. Still have class tomorrow. Maybe I’ll come back and add some more information. I have quite abit more to say and add. And for what it is worth. I thank you for at least reading and listening.

[SydneyGirl]

Hi there

 

I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time. I'm not really sure what to say or where to start..

 

I know that there are probably many factors and things I don't understand, but from what you have said, your situation doesn't sound anywhere near as awful as you believe it to be.

 

The situation with your friend and the girl would be upsetting. it always is to have feelings for someone who doesn't feel the same, so it's understandable that you might feel a bit left out or down about that.

 

Why do you believe you can't hold a conversation? You mentioned being nervous to talk with the girl you liked.. is it that the issue with everyone or is there another reason?

 

Please Stop comparing your life to those around you. Everyone goes through different things at different times. Some people find love at 18, some at 28. Also, these days with the way people use social media nobody can be blamed for thinking everyone they know is living the lifestyle of the rich and famous.

I actually read an article recently (will share if I can find it) that talked about people exaggerating their lives on Facebook and friends suffering from jealousy and even depression because of it. Apparently it's really common! I grew up with strict parents and can only imagine if I had Facebook back then and could see friends checking in places and posting photos while I was stuck at home. Would've been torture.

 

You need to continue with what you've been doing. Keep pushing yourself to socialize and make friends and eventually you won't have to push yourself as hard and will have a network of friends to hang out with. Don't hide alone in your room, opportunity isn't going to go out of it's way to present itself to you. You need to be open to people in order for them to open up to you.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling worthless and things may seem hopeless, but you aren't and they're not! You never know what life could hold for you just around the corner so please do not give up hope.

 

Suicide isn't the answer. Ever. If you ever genuinely are considering suicide, please talk to someone first.. there are free services available that can offer you professional and confidential help and support 24hrs a day. If you're in Australia it's 131114 or USA link removed

 

If you really have been feeling that low for a couple of weeks and there's no real change or improvement then id suggest talking to your G.P. too.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

Amber.

[SooSad33]

You're only 18? Don't fret, my friend, you're just beginning and things WILL change, I know it.

 

First of all, financial has NOTHING to do with your mental ability.

First things first.. deal with your depression- go talk to your dr about some anti depressants. Some counselling doesnt hurt either.

2nd) If you are 'over weight' and feel awful- how about starting with small steps. Going out and taking walks.. leading to longer walks etc. Work on the weight.. or goto a gym?

You mention how you 'wasted a year'.. yes I wasted a few too many as I spent them throughout my 20's with a negligent, emotionally abusive alcaholic. ( I didnt know he was one- til too last). So, yes those years I wasted and have come to accept that. I cant change it.

Another thing to try and NOT do is 'compare'. None of my friends lives turned out the same as mine...

I am a caring, patient, decent mother of 4 and I still have had NO decent life with a decent man and Im now in my 40's.. talk about depressing crap

 

Of course suicide doesnt sound half bad- because of your 'low' moods/feelings. That is the depression. I suggest you do get moving on that asap!

There is a lot bringing you down and now you feel so low, nothing is bringing you 'up' anymore.. right?

( I understand.. I'm having one of those weeks).

And yes, rest! Your body needs that sleep to function... do NOT avoid that need. eat & sleep proper.. tc

 

One day at a time okay? Dont over do it.. work on things, slowly.

Stick around here- good thing you found this place.. is really good.

[Awkwardvirgin]

I feel like I am going nowhere in my attempts to push myself. Not much progress. All for waste. Nothing of tangible value has been attained. No results. I didn't make one close friend, male or female.

 

I ignored the girl and stopped thinking about her and felt better for about 3 days...but then we had a party that we were mutually meant to go to. I walked in, first thing I saw, she was with a whole bunch of dudes. I FELT HORRIBLE. I FELT LIKE MY CHEST WAS COLLAPSING AND THAT MY LUNGS WERE CHOKING THEMSELVES. IT RUINED THE NIGHT FOR ME. When I finally got home, I couldn't sleep, wondering what she was talking about. What she was doing. Her laughing at their jokes. Maybe she hooked up with one of them. Maybe she likes one of them. I...I... I can't ing put up with this. So frankly, I just need an answer, try to deal with this and be a friend, or just cut her out completely.

 

What do the hell the women look for anyway?!

 

You might think the party went well? Ha no! I tried to make small talk with this one pretty attractive girl...IT LEAD NO WHERE AND I MIND BLANKED LIKE HELL!

 

I can't seem to hold a conversation because my mind blanks and I just have nothing to talk about. And the few times I do have the ability to make small talk, I can't seem to escalate to a meaningful conversation. My typical conversations tend to go something along the lines of:

 

Me: Hey Bro/ What's up, I'm AV.

Them: Sup Man, I'm Blah.

Me: So how do you:

 

(a) Get interested in the event

(b) Know the host

© What are you studying?

 

Them: Answer with whatever.

Me: Hopefully I can talk abit about their answers.

Them: Ask same question.

Me: Answer

 

...

...

 

And then that is it, we part ways and we no longer have anything to add. I can't seem to escalate into a talk about their hobbies or anything! I don't have the thought process for it! I wish there was a method or a book for this but there isn't! I start off strong and end up with the short stick very soon. It gets worse if we are at a party, my mind freezes even more, because the things I just asked aren't party topics and I don't even have any party topics to chat about. If I am in a group of people that I already know, things become much easier, but if I am in a group of new people, it is extremely hit or miss, with majority of the time being a miss.

 

I don't have an idea on how to get close friends or close to people!

 

I have no energy to hope anymore. I just feel sorrow, regret and distress. I feel like these opportunities are slipping and passing me by! I feel like a failure because I couldn't keep up with everyone else! WHY THE HELL AREN'T AS I AS GOOD AS THEM? I AM ALMOST NEVER INVITED TO ANY EVENTS AND IF I WANT TO HANG OUT I USUALLY NEED TO ASK TO TAG ALONG MYSELF! NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO HAVE THIS PROBLEM!

 

I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE ANY LONGER! I HAVE BEEN ALONE LONG ENOUGH. I WAS A SOCIAL REJECT IN HIGH SCHOOL AND PRIMARY SCHOOL, I CAN'T PUT UP WITH THIS FOR ANOTHER DAMN 5 YEARS! IF THIS IS ALL IS IN STORE FOR ME, WHY THE HELL DO I STILL BOTHER STANDING?! WHY SHOULD I NOT JUST END THE PAIN?!

 

I FEAR I'LL BE ALONE FOREVER.

 

And why shouldn't we compare ourselves to each other? Is a man(or woman)'s worth not his accomplishments? His contributions to society, his achievements, his work, his value to society?! Is a man's worth as a human being not also his acceptance by society? Is a man's worth not his his skill and ability? Is it not his talent? Is it not his strength, his intellect, and any other traits that you can attribute to being human? If you are not as smart, clearly that means another man is better than you. If someone is stronger or better at sports than you, clearly you are not as physically adept and strong. If another individual is a natural genius and has natural talent, is he not just superior to you? If all these things are true, than is your worth as a man not diminished and less than theirs? If they have achieved more than you, accomplished more than you, are they not the better man?! And if you are not at least competition, at least as good as them, are you even worth their attention? Society's attention? The attention of your peers? The attention of the opposite gender? If society does not accept, you, if you are a social reject, if no one acknowledges you, then are you not a social failure?!

 

As for counselling...it is their job, they don't care.

 

Anyway, sorry for the late reply, I had some uni work, and had no energy from being devo recently.