How should I go about it? Long!! pls read

[garu1979]

Hi all, im new to this site and stumbled accross it by accident. I have read all of the pages of posts and thought i should highlight my own situation in order to try and seek some advice. I realise I have to keep it as short as possible! But it is long, so I apologise!!!

 

My ex and I split up after 9months. It was my stupid decision... It was a long distance realtionship as I was studying in a dif country and she lived here. The first months of our relationship were brilliant however and we both felt that we should be together forever. When I was studying we saw each other every 4 weeks or so, which was paradise. We were both very much in love with each other.

 

So, neway, due to various stresses including my final year at university, living away from home, career plans and my dissertation i began to get confused around May about what i really wanted from life. I split up with my her as my confusion made me think that I didn't love her as much as i thought. We tried to work things out and she came to visit me etc. but I hurt her so much, pushed her away and i was so set on the fact that I thought i was better off where i was due to better jobs, money etc.

 

I had also never intended b4 i met her to return to my home country, as I thot i would be unhappy there. I was going through a real difficult period and I didn't realise at this time just how strongly i felt about her and what i was losing and so I stayed where i was.

 

A couple of months went by and we never really got anything sorted, as i became jealous of a certain fella who she had become closer to who i knew she liked and trust became a problem. Also we were both unsure of what was for the best. Friends or B/f and g/f.... I knew i should never have ended it with her, I knew that from the day i did it as I love her so much. I couldnt eat or sleep and was a mess, just like now, but at the time I just couldn't decide what to do.

 

We went away several times for the weekend or nights when i was at home, got on like a couple but then after those days we wudn't actually officially get back together and I would fly back to college. We booked a holiday in august and I planned to move back home straight after to try and sort things out once and for all as I was certain then what I wanted from life, that our love was so much more important than anything else. She knew I was coming home and i would have been home sooner if it wasnt for some outlying commitments where i was studying.

 

So, we went on holiday and I tried to patch things up. She told me she didnt feel the same anymore. I moved back home anyway as intended and to fight for our love. We went away on the fri after I got home and spent the night together. Two days later, we were supposed to spend the day together. When i went to collect her, she told me that she had met someone else, and had been on a couple of dates with him b4 the holiday, while i was away. I was gutted and still am, and i just can't imagine the rest of my life without her. I believe she is the one!

 

We used to speak and text everyday, even after the split in May we would talk for hours, it never really felt until this time that I had lost her, and was hoping to put things right and make up for my past mistakes. It wasnt the new guy who made me realise I had made a huge mistake, I realised this more than a month before I knew about him.....

 

At first, and right up until the other day I must admit I have been pestering her and tryin to make her realise what we were and how good the love we had was. As many people mentioned, it only makes things worse and makes her and him closer.

 

They are still together now, three months on and its killing me. I just don't know what to do. I did cut contact with her for just over a week there because i phoned one night and her new man answered and told me she didnt want to talk to me. She says she wanted a break and thought it would help me too. I couldn't bear hearing his voice on the phone. So, i didnt contact her and then about a week after, she phoned me.

 

The main purpose of the call was to help her with some university work. I had always been there for her when she started studying and always helped her. Being me, and loving her so much, I would do anything to help her and let her know I am there for her. She did cry cause she was feeling so stressed and I agreed to help her. I spent 3 nights of that week at her house helping her and finally got it done yesterday.

 

It was great to see her, but uncomfortable too and hurt like hell. It was so hard, im just not ready to be my normal self with her although I wish I could as being the 'me' she fell in love with is the only way i have a hope. When i could see she was stressed I gave her back a rub or ran my fingers thru her hair. Most of the time she didnt actively resist this. Im just soo down and when im with her I keep asking questions about her and him. I did say a few stupid things, showing my weakness and crying in front of her. I miss our love more than anything in this world.

 

One day after i finished the work, i broke down. I told her love her so much and am so sorry for the times i hurt her in the past.

She means everything to me and I need to figure out how to get her back. I told her how much i love her again and how I am always there for her. She told me she doesn't love me and is happy with him and just wants us to be good friends. I feel sick. She said she never thinks of us together and says we will probably never be, but I won't give up hope.

 

I made her a cd a few weeks back of our fav songs. She listened to it and cried and said it was so sad and she wished she could get her feelings back and wondered where and how it all went wrong but felt if it didnt work the first time it wouldn't 2nd time round. Im just so confused by some of the things she says, like she wished she could get her feelings back but then wont give 'us' a chance. When i came home i only wanted to prove things could work, that i was sorry for splitting up with her and wouldnt ever ever hurt her again and that I am the guy that she once loved and wanted to spend the rest of her life with. I know i would have to rebuild her trust again etc.

 

I tried to point out how much I do for her, that I go out of my way for her, more than any of her friends or her new fella and try to get her to recognise how special that is. When i try to talk about us she just wants to go off the phone, or won't talk about it. She sees him quite a lot, and im just so scared that I will never get her back. She says me and him are just two different people, but obviously he is better and it worries me how she can go from loving me to nothing in such a short space of time.

 

Recently she has asked me to help her with more work, and I have obliged apart from once. I told her on saturday after helping her for the last time that I could not do anymore work for her. I felt used and told her this and everyone else arounf me could see thats all she ever seemed to contact me for. We argued most of the day as I kept on thinking about us and things and she just wanted to get the work done and seemed to care little about what I was going thru.

 

She emailed me last night to say that even though we are not together I am still special, and she doesnt want to lose me from her life. She doesnt want to fight with me, wants to be friends and I will always have a special place in her heart......

 

Im so lost, so confused and dont know what action to take as initially I was the dumper.... I was so wrong and would do anything in this world to be back with her. Do i be friends, do i cut contact, is there anything I can do to get her back. I have read several theories, no contact, agreeing with her ego, lots of ones, but I just dont know what path to take!

 

This is where I am relying on the advice of all you wonderful people to help to to realise what I am doing wrong or what i should do or any other advice you have for me. p.s. sorry its so long, i just wanted to give as much info as possible! Hope you have some great advice... I need it!!

[jch4711]

Hi garu,

 

Let me get this straight, you broke up with her because you were unsure, then realized you loved her and wanted to get back but by that time she was already seeing someone else?

 

I'm going through a somewhat similar situation in that my ex broke up with me in Sept after a 2 yr relationship. For the first year, we were together in the same city, but the 2nd year it was LDR because I went away for grad school. We still saw each other every 2-3 weeks, but towards the end she started missing me less and started wondering if she could be strong about being in a LDR for another 2 years. (there was a myriad of other crap going on in her life as well)

 

Since then, we've remained friends. I've backed off from her and respected her space, even though I still love her and think about her constantly. I go back home every so often and each time we manage to meet up and hang out. So far, there is no other guy though I do know of guys who are into her. For me, I'm just trying to live my own life, but yet keep hope and faith alive that what we had was something truly special and that it was only distance and timing that kept us apart.

 

At this point, I think you just need to back off a little and let her figure things out on her own. This doesn't mean disappear from her life. You should periodically contact her just to maintain a presense in her life. People on this site advocate NC as a method not to get someone back, but to heal yourself. You should do NC until you're able to control your emotions when you talk to her. You want to make each new experience with her fun and light, nothing that will pressure her.

 

Hope this helps.

[emmalee]

Well, I hate to say it, but if she's in another relationship and has told you that all she wants is to be your friend... you cant really do much more than to respect that. Its okay to lover her, its hard to get over someone you love, especially when you dont want to get over her.

 

But try and be her friend, you dont want to lose someone you care about so much. And try and back off a little, if she has another man and wants to be with him, you just gotta respect that. If you two were truly meant to be together, then she'll come back. Give it time and see how it goes. But in the meantime, keep your eyes open to meetig new people. hope it works out well,

[arwen]

She has clearly indicated to be just friends. I read in your post that you feel much more for her than just friendship. There are two things you can do, in my perspective. You can either fight for her at the risk of getting hurt, or you can let her go.

 

I think if you decide for the latter, it's better to avoid contact for a while. It's really difficult to be move on while you still keep in touch. Especially when you really love her. Already it hurts that you know she is dating another guy.

 

If you decide to 'fight' you can try to be just her friend for a while and see if anything changes in her opinion about the relationship.

 

good luck,

 

Ilse.

[Wimpy]

I was interested to hear your post. I´m in a similar situation but on the other side. I´ve been seeing someone who´s in my country studying but soon to head off home. He´s not ready to commit full time to the relationship and I didn´t handle hearing that very well. Over the past couple of months I´ve realised that the only way this whole thing will be resolved is if I back off and leave him to finish his studies and have time without me when he returns home. Only then will he realise that he wants to be with me (if he does). I was heartened by your post - in that you realised afterwards that you got it wrong in breaking up. I know it doesn't help you but it helped me to hear it.

 

It's more complicated for you in that she's dating someone else but I guess if it's meant to be it will be. I'd advise giving yourself some time to get to grips with how you really feel and then just being friends and seeing what happens.

 

I guess woman don't like to feel pressured anymore than guys do. It's hard when you're impatient for it all to work out - I know that so much believe me!

 

I know from my own experience that trying to force the issue only pushed him further away and risked ruining everything. We're now back to being great friends which is where it all started. The rest can return in time - be there as a friend and hopefully it will all work out.

 

Hope this helps.

[garu1979]

Hi guys, thanks for your quick replies. Yes jch, i did end it as I was unsure and then realised what a mistake I had made.

 

I guess i have to respect the fact that she has a new man in her life but it is so hard as you all empathise with. Just this morning I woke up after very vivid dreams of her and him being intimate etc. This disturbed me for most of the day.

 

I know she has said that she wants to be friends, and a lot of friends have been telling me to cut contact as all she ever seems to contact me for is to do work for her. Her excuse for this is that she has been busy and work is all she ever seems to be doing....

 

I had also asked her something the other day about how come she always lets me touch her and be affectionate, like one day about a week ago I was giving her a supportive talk about things in her life and I had my hand on hers, also kinda rubbing her belly and stroking her leg as you do when showing affection. Several other times I have played with her hair, gave her a foot massage and put my arm around her etc.... she said she allowed me to do this as it was what she thought I wanted to do??? What was that all about???

 

I think her new fella does know that I help her with work from what she has told me, but apparently he has no problem with it and trusts her completely. Just to inform you of his situation, i know he split up from his wife, (not sure how long ago) but he caught her in bed with someone else. So i think he is still in the middle of divorce proceedings. Not sure..... It prob doesnt even matter!

 

I do want to be her friend obviously much more, and I hope one day she will see who I am and that I can truly make her happy and her feelings might return. I think in my case, limited contact might be the option, although, it is gonna make it hell for me to try and get over her and seeing her is soo hard. As many people have said it about being able to be comfortable around her, being able to control emotions and actions. Right now when im with her, I just want to reach out and hold her.....

 

I have tried fighting for the relationship but this seems to make things worse and annoy her as is explained in so many other posts. That has been in ways by telling her how i feel all the time though. I think there may be different ways to fight. I will never give up on her, she is worth way too much. But I may have to stand back for a while and just let her know that I am always there for her. Thanks again for your good wishes and if you feel you want to write more, pls do!!!

[rnorth]

Absolutely, unequivocablly go help her with her work. Tell her you want to help her and that you reacted out of hurt.

 

Do so unconditionally. She wants to see if you are still there for her in that capacity. Part of her distancing is due to her own fears brought about by your actions. Be there for her, now more than ever.