some thoughts on personal freedom and what people cannot justify or approve of

[mesmerized]

Hello Dear Fellow Users,

 

I've started a few threads recently and I understand that some of you might find it a bit annoying. Yes, I do realize that. However, this time I think my mind is a bit more balanced and, on the one hand, I'm trying here to analyze what or who I am and why things turned out the way they did... and, on the other hand, I'm seeking for an answer to the question of how much freedom we have when it comes to ultimate solutions. This train of thought will and will not be about suicide.

 

I know for a fact that there will be those who will say that a specialist's help is a must in my case. BUT, I'd like to use a big BUT here... I think I've come to terms with myself and my mental state. There are many definitions of happiness and what surprises me is that some people are being denied the right to make their own ending to their story. What makes such a big difference between those who want to live and those who don't? Am I saying I don't want to live? Well, perhaps I am. Does it make a big difference to the whole world? No, it doesn't. You see, the way I see it is that each and every human being lives in its own micro/personal universe. We are the lords of our lives as many claim. Oh, are we? And here my eyes see what might come... "Change is within your power" But it has to lead to a better ending, hasn't it? No one approves of suicide. No one advises suicide. Aren't we all afraid of hurting the ones who cared for and looked after us? Yes, we are. Are we given any choice? No, we aren't. None of us can easily end their life. We tend to consider life as a precious treasure, as if it was a diamond that to has to be polished or cherished. And even though with every major battle we come with new wounds, as long as they are not deadly, we are asked to get back on our feet... Not asked. Forced. We cannot end our life in a peaceful way. We are looked down upon. We are called names. We are those named insane. We are those who should take meds. Aren't we all promised heavenly paradise after life? A better world where there's no place for pain, no place for suffering. And yet, no one wants to let us go. Those who died prematurely are mourned but no one considers for even one second that perhaps some of them might have wanted to choose such a path. Am I angry? Yes, I am, because I don't want to be in cage of my own mind my whole life. And I do now want to resolve to more medications that never really helped me a lot. Am I angry? Yes, I am angry at those who do not want to approve, those who condemn instead of condoning. I've always been fond of Aristotle's idea of harmatia I do believe that some are not meant to be here. Some have a flaw. And just like in the Greek tragedy there's no way out of one's destiny. I know that many/most of you will say that everything depends on us. Even more might claim that every morning is a blessing and a chance for a new beginning. Do I have to say why I feel it's not like that? I've tried many times to change everything... Does it really matter why I feel the way I feel? Sure, I could make a list here... but does it really matter anyway? I am inadequate on many levels. I cannot feel love anymore and I'm more of an outcast than ever before. I'm so sick of being the one who cannot cope with reality even one bit like hundreds of people on Facebook who managed to get normal jobs and lead a normal life. What's the purpose if even one of your little, simple dreams cannot come true? What's the f-ing point if you cannot even get a job? What's the point if you cannot love or be loved? Years go by and nothing changes. Then why can we not commit suicide? Why is it such a taboo? We are all expected to live because that's the socially accepted pattern... Do I wish someone could ask about my dreams and offered advice? Do I wish someone cared? Yes, I do. At the same time I wish I could be given the freedom of choice if I wanted to end everything because living like this is hell. Nothing else. Am I sad because the things turned out this way? Yes, I am but I don't think I'm screaming for help anymore... I think it's this funny mixture of pity, fear and acceptance. Yes, I think I'm trying to accept things that others won't. There's no catharsis here. The world will not notice if one light in one room will not be lit one night.

 

Since I love good plays... the immortal quote:

 

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools / The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! / Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player / That struts and frets his hour upon the stage / And then is heard no more: it is a tale / Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, / Signifying nothing.

[mesmerized]

I don't know why I can't get any replies here.

[solamente]

There are many definitions of happiness and what surprises me is that some people are being denied the right to make their own ending to their story.

 

If suicide is your choice, then you can end your story however you want. Pills? Gunshot? Carbon Monoxide poisoning? Which do you prefer? What dream of your death is going to satisfy you? Who is denying you that right?

 

What makes such a big difference between those who want to live and those who don't? Am I saying I don't want to live? Well, perhaps I am. Does it make a big difference to the whole world? No, it doesn't.

 

The only difference is in how they feel; there is no inherent difference otherwise.

 

It only makes a difference to those who spend time with them. The rest of the world could not care less.

 

You see, the way I see it is that each and every human being lives in its own micro/personal universe. We are the lords of our lives as many claim. Oh, are we? And here my eyes see what might come... "Change is within your power" But it has to lead to a better ending, hasn't it? No one approves of suicide. No one advises suicide. Aren't we all afraid of hurting the ones who cared for and looked after us?

 

 

I don't know about you, but there is a Lord of my life, and it ain't me.

As far as what 'no one' approves of or advises, if they are 'no one' why do you care what they think? If you have people who care and look after you, you are a blessed one.

 

 

Yes, we are. Are we given any choice? No, we aren't. None of us can easily end their life. We tend to consider life as a precious treasure, as if it was a diamond that to has to be polished or cherished. And even though with every major battle we come with new wounds, as long as they are not deadly, we are asked to get back on our feet... Not asked. Forced. We cannot end our life in a peaceful way. We are looked down upon. We are called names. We are those named insane. We are those who should take meds. Aren't we all promised heavenly paradise after life? A better world where there's no place for pain, no place for suffering. And yet, no one wants to let us go.

 

Those who died prematurely are mourned but no one considers for even one second that perhaps some of them might have wanted to choose such a path. Am I angry? Yes, I am, because I don't want to be in cage of my own mind my whole life. And I do now want to resolve to more medications that never really helped me a lot. Am I angry? Yes, I am angry at those who do not want to approve, those who condemn instead of condoning. I've always been fond of Aristotle's idea of harmatia I do believe that some are not meant to be here. Some have a flaw. And just like in the Greek tragedy there's no way out of one's destiny.

You do have a choice. You can end it quickly and easily if you so choose. Apparently, that is not what you really want. You just want to feel better. To feel like you matter to someone. To feel like life isn't always going to be so hard. To be sure that there is a painless place eventually.

 

No one can tell you what to believe, you have to seek the answers for yourself. All I know is, with this life comes pain and pleasure. Sometimes it seems like you can never remember ever experiencing pleasure even. I know. Nevertheless, there is a purpose for every single being. If you choose to believe that there is not, then you will most likely struggle with this issue until you change that belief.

 

Have you ever tried weed instead of pharmaceuticals? Just a thought...

 

 

 

 

I know that many/most of you will say that everything depends on us. Even more might claim that every morning is a blessing and a chance for a new beginning. Do I have to say why I feel it's not like that? I've tried many times to change everything... Does it really matter why I feel the way I feel? Sure, I could make a list here... but does it really matter anyway?

 

No, you are right, it doesn’t really matter. All anyone hears is yada, yada, yada. No one really cares, do they? Certainly no one could possibly understand the way you feel.

 

I am inadequate on many levels. I cannot feel love anymore and I'm more of an outcast than ever before. I'm so sick of being the one who cannot cope with reality even one bit like hundreds of people on Facebook who managed to get normal jobs and lead a normal life. What's the purpose if even one of your little, simple dreams cannot come true? What's the f-ing point if you cannot even get a job? What's the point if you cannot love or be loved? Years go by and nothing changes.

 

Most of us are inadequate on many levels, and most of us will not admit that. You have to find the point of it all for yourself. And Facebook is not it. If you haven’t figured out by now, it’s all propaganda. Thinking that FB represents most people’s real life is a real mistake.

 

Then why can we not commit suicide? Why is it such a taboo? We are all expected to live because that's the socially accepted pattern...

 

You CAN commit suicide? If you want to die, why the heck would you care about socially accepted patterns? Really?? I think you are a long way from committing suicide….

 

 

Do I wish someone could ask about my dreams and offered advice? Do I wish someone cared? Yes, I do. At the same time I wish I could be given the freedom of choice if I wanted to end everything because living like this is hell. Nothing else. Am I sad because the things turned out this way? Yes, I am but I don't think I'm screaming for help anymore... I think it's this funny mixture of pity, fear and acceptance. Yes, I think I'm trying to accept things that others won't. There's no catharsis here. The world will not notice if one light in one room will not be lit one night.

 

You certainly aren’t going to find who/what you are looking for online. You might find a distraction, a conversation, some sympathy, some empathy … but since it is not what you want then what is it that you want us to say?

[mesmerized]

I don't know about you, but there is a Lord of my life, and it ain't me.

 

You know exactly what I meant. People claim that we can shape our life the way we want. What if you get a 'no' from employers based on your nationality? Or what if you don't have enough money to enroll at the university? Or if you're considered too old to get employed? Or you made the wrong choice choosing your career path that led you to a dead-end street? I'm not even mentioning relationships here because that's a totally different story. I'm talking about surviving and having means to stay afloat.

 

Apparently, that is not what you really want. You just want to feel better. To feel like you matter to someone. To feel like life isn't always going to be so hard. To be sure that there is a painless place eventually.

 

And what's wrong with that? How many years can one be dragged down by quicksands? After how many years/attempts do you stop hitting the brick wall? 10? 100? 1000?

 

Have you ever tried weed instead of pharmaceuticals? Just a thought...

 

Weed? Why would I want to smoke weed? Well, I can't really smoke or inhale so it's not for me anyway. Why are you asking?

 

No, you are right, it doesn’t really matter. All anyone hears is yada, yada, yada. No one really cares, do they? Certainly no one could possibly understand the way you feel.

 

Look, all I want is a bit of hope and a bit less of fear. I'm not the kind of person who gives up easily. Far from it.

 

Most of us are inadequate on many levels, and most of us will not admit that. You have to find the point of it all for yourself. And Facebook is not it. If you haven’t figured out by now, it’s all propaganda. Thinking that FB represents most people’s real life is a real mistake.

 

I never claimed FB was a good thing. As a matter of fact I hate it and log in there once every half a year. What I'm talking about that for some reason most of my acquaintances achieved things I see no way of achieving. And I keep asking myself why I (specifically I) can't do such things. Look, everyone needs something. At least a small thing that gives you joy. Or some sense of peace. If every part of your life is a mess then it's really hard to cope with reality.

 

You CAN commit suicide? If you want to die, why the heck would you care about socially accepted patterns? Really?? I think you are a long way from committing suicide….

 

I do not want to do it now. At the same time I don't want to get old and sick and have absolutely no life stability nor peace of mind like for the past 7 years.

 

The point was to start a discussion on meaning of life. I see nothing wrong about seeking "a conversation, some sympathy, some empathy"

 

If not online, I don't know where else I can find it because the place I'm in is neither the one where I can get those things.

 

Well, thanks for the comments anyway.

[solamente]

You know exactly what I meant. People claim that we can shape our life the way we want. What if you get a 'no' from employers based on your nationality? Or what if you don't have enough money to enroll at the university? Or if you're considered too old to get employed? Or you made the wrong choice choosing your career path that led you to a dead-end street? I'm not even mentioning relationships here because that's a totally different story. I'm talking about surviving and having means to stay afloat.

 

Yes, I know what you meant. And you know what I meant. ‘People’ say that you can shape your own life, and that is true … to an extent. But, we are not in total control, no matter what ‘people’ say. Talk to the One who is in control.

 

I feel the same way as you do. I look back and can’t see that I have made any ‘right’ choices. In work, in friends, in family relationships … and what else is there.

 

All we can do is take one step at a time. One day at a time. One minute at a time. Survival is one second at a time. None of us knows we will even be here tomorrow. And, like you, I certainly would not mind if it were over. But as long as I am hanging on to hope and faith, I will endure to the end.

 

And what's wrong with that? How many years can one be dragged down by quicksands? After how many years/attempts do you stop hitting the brick wall? 10? 100? 1000?

 

There is nothing wrong with that, silly. That’s what I meant. I understand what you really want, and I don’t know how to tell you to get it. I can’t get it for myself. I was just commiserating with you.

 

Weed? Why would I want to smoke weed? Well, I can't really smoke or inhale so it's not for me anyway. Why are you asking?

 

You can eat it in brownies or something. I suggest it because it can calm your anxiety and give you an overall sense of well-being; basically chill you out. It’s my personal opinion, and plenty of research has shown, that pharmaceuticals are extremely bad for your health/body, not to mention that they very often have been shown to exacerbate the very issues that they are claimed to help. Weed is at least natural.

 

Look, all I want is a bit of hope and a bit less of fear. I'm not the kind of person who gives up easily. Far from it.

 

The only answers I have are spiritual. Those aren’t allowed on this board.

 

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear: but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

 

I never claimed FB was a good thing. As a matter of fact I hate it and log in there once every half a year. What I'm talking about that for some reason most of my acquaintances achieved things I see no way of achieving. And I keep asking myself why I (specifically I) can't do such things. Look, everyone needs something. At least a small thing that gives you joy. Or some sense of peace. If every part of your life is a mess then it's really hard to cope with reality.

 

I KNOW! My life is also a mess. I don’t know how to cope either. But I do know if I log on to FB and start comparing myself to others, or go anywhere and compare myself to others, it is really discouraging.

 

The thing is, only a few years ago I felt the opposite. So by this I know there are phases we go through in life and I just happen to be in a sucky place right now. I can accept things the way they are, and change what I can, when I can (which seems to never happen). Every time I think I can take a step forward, I get knocked down. Apparently I am supposed to stay down for the time being. It hurts, it seems hopeless, I feel helpless … that’s just the way it is. For now. Anything can change in an instant. That’s my hope and prayer.

 

I do not want to do it now. At the same time I don't want to get old and sick and have absolutely no life stability nor peace of mind like for the past 7 years.

 

That is the problem with trying to foretell the future, or basing your future experiences on your past. We really have no idea what the future holds for us.

 

The point was to start a discussion on meaning of life. I see nothing wrong about seeking "a conversation, some sympathy, some empathy"

 

I didn’t say there was anything wrong with that. I only sensed that it isn’t really enough for you, but perhaps that is because it is not enough for me.