Is it all really worth it?

[cavaliere]

I suppose in the grand scheme of things, I have very little to complain about. I'm healthy, I am close with my family.....all of the important things like that are in order. But yet, I feel horrendously unfulfilled, as if my existence is hollow. And why? Where do I begin....

 

I am in my final year of university. School has never been particularly difficult for me and in high school, I was always the top student. Even in university, I've always been at the top of my class. But for some reason, with each year that passes, I feel less and less driven to do well. I mean, I never allow myself to do badly, but that fire inside me is missing. Its as if it just doesn't matter anymore....once you finish school, no one cares what you did there anyways. All the awards you win are just trinkets in the end. School has essentially become just another chore...going to class is just another day at the office.

 

Of course, university is more than class, its also about the relationships you build there. And I am seriously lacking in that department. I'm not really a typical 20-something. I hate going to clubs, I don't party very often. My idea of fun is an espresso and a nice café patio. In my first 2 years at university, I made no friends whatsoever, although I was always very polite and cordial. There were always a few acquaintances, but never people I could call to hang out with. Then last year, I made a serious effort to be more open and friendly, but instead, all I got were hangers-on....people who got a laugh out of my jokes or needed my help with assignments. At the end of the year, of course, all those people forgot about me. This year, being my final year, I decided to try just a little harder, but I see things going the same way. I have many acquaintances, but no real friends. And it makes me feel bitter that apparently, all I'm good for is a laugh or an answer. No one really cares about the person behind it all.

 

And what about dating? Alas, that is virgin territory for me. I'm not unattractive by any means of the imagination, although I do look somewhat older than I'd like.....something about a 21 year old being mistaken for 28 has me unsettled. And its not like I have a beard or greying hair, its just the way I carry myself. But now I'm going off on a tangent....anyways, I have very few male acquaintances, almost all of them are women. And older than me too, by 2-5 years. They all love to talk to me, they all swear I'm such an intelligent, compassionate person. But it is not me they have eyes for, it is always guys who are the complete opposite of me. In times of trouble, it is me they always turn to for advice and comfort, swearing that no one understands like I do. Yet, when I am in need of the same thing, they are nowhere to be found. This too, has me feeling bitter.

 

Finally, we come to my job. I'm still a student, so I can't really complain about work, I have to do what needs to be done. But I am terrified over what the future might hold. I am going to graduate school with the hope that it will help me establish myself in my chosen field, but again, if it doesn't work out, I have to take what is there. The spectre of accepting a stagnant, boring job and waking up 25 years later to find my life behind me often has me losing sleep. After giving up my youth to school and working, hoping that I can enjoy myself in the future, such a fate would be crueler than that of Tantalus in Hades.

 

And that is my struggle. I'm young, things change, so I suppose most of this can be considered rather over-dramatic. But I can't help but think about these things. Again, I suppose I shouldn't complain, I have my health and my family, the two most important things. Yet, I still feel unhappy. When I come home from school or work, I have no one to call and no place to go, so I spend most of my time reading or writing. What's worse, when I get up in the morning, I really have no desire to do so, because each day is always the same. I sleep badly, always thinking about a horrible future 10 years from now where I'd be living alone, without friends or a girlfriend, stuck in a job I hate, with no possible escape in sight. Hehe, indeed, these are very negative and cynical thoughts. But am I a cynic? Guilty as charged. I'll do what it takes to prevent this from happening, but the fact of the matter is that the old adage "If you want something bad enough, you'll get it" just isn't really true for everybody. And that, my friends, is the most bitter pill of all.

 

Thank you for your patience.

[ticklebug]

cavaliere -

 

Quite honestly, the life you are living...isn't so far off from MOST people. What I think you quite possibly over dramatize is the joy you assume other people have. Like everyone else is living in this zeal for life you lack.

 

The key to friends is similar interests and personalities. It seems to me that you try too hard, with the wrong type of people....of course you aren't going to make long term friendships. Just like apples and oranges can't grow on the same tree. Don't deny who you are...if you are an intellectual type...then by all means find your friends in that realm.

 

You mention espresso and cafe patio's....when you are at one have you ever looked around to find someone (or a few people) to start a conversation with? Or do you sit there and brood over your cup about how different you are....not realizing that there are probably 10 like creatures within conversation distance?

 

Universities have many activity groups...have you ever thought to join one...again, to be able to socialize with people similar to you? Check a local library for book clubs. I've made some wonderful friends through discussion of literature.

 

When it comes to making friends, and wanting people to get to know you for you...most of the time YOU are the one that has to make that first move and put some personal information out there. If you want someone to get to know you, you have to let it be known you WANT to be known. I have a feeling you don't put yourself out on a limb very often...and resort to humor when you are nervous.

 

Cav, the only person who can make your life feel fulfilled, your glass half full instead of half empty, is you. One thing you may want to consider, to get yourself out of the hum-drum you are feeling...is to volunteer somewhere. A hospital or nursing home...just visiting or helping out can help to give yourself a feling of worth...because doing things like that is always incredibly appreciated. Not to mention it is a shake up to your usual routine. If you like animals, consider a local shelter to volunteer at...go to a local day care center and do story time for the kids. Try something new, creative...

 

As far as relationships...that comes in time...when you are open to it...you really put an effort into your studies the past few years and that is perfectly fine..."she" will come along one day...you aren't even 1/3 of the way through your life yet....you still have a lifetime to experience many many things to come...

[GettingOverIt]

Cav, have you thought of approaching anyone to go out on a date? You sound intraverted, a lot like me... Do you have trouble approaching someone? I can only offer you this piece of advice - try it.

 

I agree with ticklebug - you seem to think everyone is having the time of their lives while you're sitting back watching. Believe me, we all feel the same way you do, from time to time. And, I'm sure you'll discover many folks on here in the same place - and at all different ages.

 

I know you won't believe this right now, but your girl is out there, most likely waiting for you to make a move. Since you go to these cafe's, look around... You may be surprised...