Is it worth pursuing or should I let her go?

[Wiseguy90]

My exgirlfriend of 6 and a half years ended our relationship a month ago. We both have great careers, i am 30, she is 26. She claimed we felt more like friends since I struggle to be affectionate. We discussed this issue many times; I would show affection for a bit and then stop. Despite this, our relationship was perfect. No jealousy, rarely argue, did our own thing at times; she is my best friend.

 

When I look back I can see that over a few weeks she was starting to let to of the relationship. When she told me she was done I was surprised to hear this and begged her to stay and work on it. She told me there were many chances and she was done for now, she loved me, I would make a great husband and father, and she was unsure of what the future may hold. She left the next day and stayed at her sisters place; she only took some clothes and didn't discuss what to do with our home and the dog.

 

We maintained contact regularly since she left; she always initiated contact. Even while she was on vacation she was contacting me to see how things were. I would take some chances to tell her I missed her, the odd time she reciprocated the feeling. The odd time she would stop by our place to get the dog. I would take these moments to show her affection, which she accepted. The first time she stopped by I spilled everything and let her know I was sorry and that I needed her. She listened and didn't say much.

 

Eventually I made the decision to confront her on whether or not she was only talking to me so we could remain friends. She responded she was wanting to be friends. I told her it was too difficult for me to do this now because I have such strong feelings for her. She said she understood and suggested we only talk when matters of the house arise. I texted her the next day after I heard from the real estate agent to give her an update and she claimed she didn't care what happened to our place. Since going NC I've heard from her twice. She called to tell me she was coming to move a bed and wanted to know what's plans were once we sold the house.

 

It has only been a few days with the NC, but I've been attempting to do my own thing. Over the past month I've reflected in my behaviour and realized I need to put greater work into a relationship instead of just being comfortable/lazy. I've started seeing a psychologist to discuss my difficulties with showing affection and expressing my emotions. This time has been good for me to reflect on what's important in my life and how I need to make changes in myself to be a more positive person.

 

I feel as though my exgirlfriend is more interested in seeing what else is out there and wants to keep me as a backup plan in case she can't ind anything else. I refuse to be involved in that process. I'm just not sure as to what route to take to start winning her back so we can take the next step in life as we had both discussed just before breaking up. For the record, we were to be engaged just this month if we were still together.

[mhowe]

She is not trying to keep you as a back up. She, as you noted, checked out of the relationship a while ago. And that it happened right before you were to get engaged is very telling --- she realized that she could not become engaged to a man who was not capable of showing affection.

 

She said she wanted to be friends --- that is just a soft let down. You texted since then --- and she has only texted or called in order to take care of business.

 

You cannot win her back. After 6.5 years of being together, she has decided it is not the right relationship.

[Wiseguy90]

Good point. There have been no mixed signals when we communicate. When I see her she appears happier, in the sense like she has alleviated stress. I don't know if she has started dating (her choice if she wants to, she's not with me), but maybe she is seeing if anyone out there is better? I still talk to her family and they say she is doing well, but she seems confused as to what she wants.

[mhowe]

After being with someone for that long, it will take a while to get her bearings. I don't think she left you for someone else. I think the thought of getting engaged made her realize that she could not be married to someone that she felt was "like a friend". That is what happens when the chemistry dies down --- or one person is emotionally handicapped.

 

She didn't stop loving you --- but she loves you as she loves a friend. So, without the engagement looming, she is less stressed. She isn't looking for "better"...she is looking for someone who is affectionate and emotional.

[Wiseguy90]

It's a tough pill to swallow, but it's better insight than I have. I've expressed to her that I am trying to become more affectionate since it does feel good and I want my partner/future children to have that as part of their life. I'm hopeful that with time apart she may see I do want to provide her with affection. If she is truly finished, as you suggest and I'm starting to believe, then the best move will be continue focusing on myself and respecting her decision.

[Wiseguy90]

Is it possible to get the spark back?

[mhowe]

Obviously not, since it was mentioned several times in the relationship, you tried --- and went back to your old ways.

And I think that for most women, once they have "checked" out emotionally, there is no going back.

 

Providing her with affection? How? I think she wants chemistry, she wants you to want her --- not a peck on the cheek on the way to work.

 

I think it is best to focus on yourself and respect her decision.

[Wiseguy90]

I'm slowly realising this. It has only been a month and I am still clinging to some sort of hope that in time she may give me a chance to show her that I can offer this. In the mean time she may find someone who provides her with this. Her and I had chemistry, but over the past couple of months our relationship began to change. Several factors came in to play, but who knows if it was already done by then. A few weeks before this ended she said she loved me so much and wanted to know what was wrong with me. Can someone really change their feelings that fast?

[mhowe]

I think her feelings were changing long before she brought it up this last time. You mentioned in your first post that this was an ongoing issue in the relationship. In the past couple of months, she realized it was never going to change --- no matter how many times she brought it up, and how many times you tried to change --- it was short lived and went back to normal.

 

When she said she loved you -- she meant it. What she was asking was --- why couldn't you show her you loved her.

[Wiseguy90]

Have you experienced this before? And if so, what was the outcome?

[Amanda Bailey]

With therapy and a lot of work on your part I think it is possible to get the spark back, but it is something that you really have to invest yourself in. Perhaps do couples therapy as well.

[mhowe]

Have you experienced this before? And if so, what was the outcome?

 

No, I have not. But as a woman, when my feelings for someone "died", they never returned. And as this was an ongoing issue in the relationship....and could not be successfully addressed, it has come to its natural conclusion.

 

Sadly, therapy was not addressed before the break up. But, you can learn from this and hopefully learn how to better meet your partners' needs in a relationship.

[Wiseguy90]

Your helping me lean towards what I inevitably concluded; maybe I was just afraid to see the writing on the wall. She is not open to any type of couples therapy. I am working on my own things when I see the psychologist.

 

It is always best to learn from mistakes. It will be difficult to move on after so long.

[mhowe]

It is hard --- you get used to people being in your life.

 

It is best to learn without mistakes ---- most of us don't know how to do that!!!!

[Wiseguy90]

Mistakes are good. I may have lost in this relationship, but hopefully I use this as a learning experience for my future relationship. It's tough to accept that it is over. But acting as an adult and not a needy/clingy child has definitely made this easier.