He doesn't feel like a man because he can't last during sex.

[PurpleButterfly]

Hello Enotaloners,

 

A bit of a delicate subject, I almost feel guilty writing a post about it. My boyfriend and I started a sexual relationship about a month ago. The first time we initiated sex, he came before even going inside me. I didn't think anything of it at the time and we continued enjoying each other in other ways..

 

The following week, he confessed (which he really, really struggled to tell me) was that he has never been good at sex. He's 20 years older than me and he'd never been able to last more than maybe 5-10 minutes unless he used viagra. He told me he had this problem since his late teens when he had his first sexual encounter. From this he has become really paranoid and shy about it, which I understand particularly as he has been cheated on in past relationships, which has been because he hasn't been able to satisfy women (his words not mine).

 

He's in excellent shape, his job is quite labour intensive and he hits the gym daily. The only unhealthy thing he ever did in his life (which he no longer does) was smoke a lot of weed and used bongs. I don't know if this has anything to do with his problem as he has had this problem right from the start.

 

I'm completely cool with this, I mean yes if I'm absolutely honest here I would like to have sex that lasts longer than 10 minutes, especially since I never reach orgasm in time. However I try to make it work with foreplay and oral sex, I don't want this to be an issue for us. The main issue I have is how much it bothers him, it bothers him a lot not matter what I say or much I reassure him that I enjoy our intimate times together. I have suggested subtly about seeing a GP or a specialist, it might be something simple that he could get medication for, but he sorta brushes the idea off. I don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want too. I simply want him to feel okay because it hurts me a lot when he tells me he doesn't feel like a man. He's an amazing guy, and he really looks after me.

 

My terrible, terrible confession is, is that I fake orgasms because I just feel to guilty telling him he doesn't make me orgasm (he asks if I have nearly every time we have sex). I don't like lying but I just can't tell him the truth, he looks so hurt when he talks to me about sex.

 

I'm not sure really what to do. I just wanted to know if anyone can suggest anything? We don't use condoms as they seemed to make him come even quicker (we tried different varieties). I would also like to state that I have the implant in my arm (it's a form of contraception).

 

Thanks for reading,

 

- S

[Edmund Exley]

I bet the biggest issue is anxiety. He obviously worries way to much about it.

[PurpleButterfly]

I bet the biggest issue is anxiety. He obviously worries way to much about it.

 

I did some reading about this sort of thing and I must admit I thought it stems from anxiety. However he really enjoys sex (apart from his problem) he really enjoys getting intimate and has no worries about discussing new ideas eta ... so I felt anxiety may not be the case? I mean I'm no expert, but he's had this problem for such a long time surely he'd be comfortable with sex now without any worries? I don't mean to seem like I'm missing the point either. If it is anxiety how I can I help him? I do my up most best to make him feel good, I compliment him and comfort him, I just want to help.

[Edmund Exley]

I mean anxiety that he is afraid he is going to finish to fast. He is kinda putting the focus on it. There is nothing you can do to help him other than to not become frustrated when it happens. Do you guys only do it once and that's it?

[PurpleButterfly]

I mean anxiety that he is afraid he is going to finish to fast. He is kinda putting the focus on it. There is nothing you can do to help him other than to not become frustrated when it happens. Do you guys only do it once and that's it?

 

We normally do it 2-3 times in a night, but every time he finishes to quickly. I get frustrated to myself, I wouldn't dare let him know I was frustrated.

[Edmund Exley]

You mentioned that he only last 5-10 minutes. I think you can make him aware that studies have shown that's not exactly too fast

 

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[ThatwasThen]

The main issue I have is how much it bothers him, it bothers him a lot

if its bothered him as much as he says it does, I have to wonder why he hasn't done anything to fix it? This could have been remedied (at least somewhat) if he had really cared.

 

Just google premature ejaculation and read about what he can do to stop himself. There are books on the subject, there are masturbation techniques that he can be employing while doing kegals and learning to stop his orgasm that way, there are sex therapists and there is his lovers who can help him.

 

What research (if any) has he done so far? What has he put into practice that will help him with this? Any?

 

P.S. Don't fake orgasms because you're just going to get tired and frustrated at doing that. It's NOT helping him in the least and instead of worrying about it, sit him down and tell him that between the two of you and, without pressure, you will concur this as a team. Surely by now he is a little tired of leaving his women high and dry.

[PurpleButterfly]

I don't know what research he's done on it, I want him to see someone professionally but I think he's too embarrassed but I'm not sure. I'll try and be honest from now on, but as I said it's really difficult as he puts so much effort into it. He doesn't own a computer (mad I know) so he doesn't do online research, otherwise I would have recommended this a lot sooner. I don't want to force him to do anything but it hurts when I hear him chastise himself for it.

[PurpleButterfly]

You mentioned that he only last 5-10 minutes. I think you can make him aware that studies have shown that's not exactly too fast

 

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I don't think 5-10 minutes is too fast. It takes me awhile to orgasm but I can work on that. He wants to be able to go for 30-40 minutes without stopping but he's not able too.

[Edmund Exley]

I don't think 5-10 minutes is too fast. It takes me awhile to orgasm but I can work on that. He wants to be able to go for 30-40 minutes without stopping but he's not able too.

 

Alcohol is the key to that one LOL

[SpottiOtti]

You're not helping him by faking orgasms, or yourself.

 

I'm also wondering why, if this has been a problem for 20 years and women have left him for it, he's not been able to come up with something by now to remedy the problem somewhat.

[Stay_home]

You're not helping him by faking orgasms, or yourself.

 

I'm also wondering why, if this has been a problem for 20 years and women have left him for it, he's not been able to come up with something by now to remedy the problem somewhat.

 

...Because he's been smoking weed and "brushing things off"

 

None of these things improve on their own he has to commit himself to making these things better.

[ThatwasThen]

None of these things improve on their own he has to commit himself to making these things better.

Well, yes of course. That's the point. Why HASN'T he committed himself to making these things better? He's been lazy and selfish and he's suffered through women cheating on him yet he still does nothing. That says alot obout his character in general... and it isn't singing a praise.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't know what research he's done on it, I want him to see someone professionally but I think he's too embarrassed but I'm not sure. I'll try and be honest from now on, but as I said it's really difficult as he puts so much effort into it. He doesn't own a computer (mad I know) so he doesn't do online research, otherwise I would have recommended this a lot sooner. I don't want to force him to do anything but it hurts when I hear him chastise himself for it.

His "chastisement" his self-deprecation is just a load of huey. Anyone who was actually concerned about his love life and actually wanted to please his partner would have done something by now. Even read a book on tantra or something to help himself.

 

You have a computer. Do some research and print it off. You can learn together and you can tell him that "since he's so worried and full of self-deprecation, that you thought you'd help him to feel better about himself by doing things together to make him feel awesome. Do not fake it anymore. You're just enabling him to be a minute man by doing that and you'll soon be following the rest of his women by either leaving or, trying to stay while supplementing him with another. Pfffft.

[roger8roger]

i, too, am fast. i wish i could last 5-10 minutes i am more like 3-5 minutes

i understand how he feels, but he is lucky to be with you! if you are open to being satisfied "other" ways, that is awesome.

it will be hard to assure him, but if you tell him that you mostly have orgasms from oral, then keep having them!

he will be pleased if he pleases you.

also you can do oral just until you are on the verge and then switch to intercourse, that way you may orgasm during intercourse

 

good luck.

 

i wish i had a spouse as open as you for my "fast" problems!

[Hoagy]

One trick is just do a bit of light foreplay (touching, teasing and stroking) and then stop. Go to sleep and don't do anything sexual until the next night. The next night do a bit more. Get him used to it slowly over a period of a week or so. Good sex is not just about intercourse but about trust, communication and openness. Also lots of encouragement and support.

 

But I do agree that it is surprising he hasn't done anything sooner

[PaintWithLight]

I don't think 5-10 minutes is too fast. It takes me awhile to orgasm but I can work on that. He wants to be able to go for 30-40 minutes without stopping but he's not able too.

 

This guy is a 40 year old man with unreasonable expectations of himself. He wants to be porn star good in bed and deliver an orgasm to you each time (you did, didn't you, did you?). Instead, he should discover what works with him and his body.

 

His continued anxiety about it will only make things worse. You are having to fake because he is so relentless about this.

[PurpleButterfly]

I know faking was the wrong thing to do and I'm not trying to make excuses for it, but I did feel under pressure to make sure he wasn't made to feel guilty. I love him so much that I can't bare to see him get upset about this.

 

I don't quiz him about it too much, I don't want to say the wrong thing. I have too wondered why he hasn't sorted this problem, I mean his last relationship was 20 years long .. surely his ex must have suggested something. I mean he has been cheated one once or twice and I from what he said, I gathered it was because he hasn't been able to satisfy his woman.

 

I don't want to say the wrong thing. I promise I wont fake any more .. but I do want to help without crossing a line.

[hemantscorion]

you get it late or he get it out quick... to get a better timing, you may have a foreplay and fingering before penetration and while he is in... try to get his mind diverted to other things ... i am not sure but i have read it that it works...