Avoiding social events because your ex will be there?

[aseeker]

So this weekend there's this really cool event I was hoping to attend for months. There's few chances of my boyfriend going, although we did go together last year, but some mutual friends are coming. I would love to go but for weeks I've been thinking if it's better not to. I could run into him (unlikely) but I know I will have to socialize with our mutual friends and I just don't feel like it. I think it will bring my healing down, plus two of our mutual friends are really close to him (more than to me). And one of them is always asking about my life, etc.

 

A month of two from now there's this gathering. My ex and I belong to a facebook group with really cool people, but most of them we don't know personally because they live in distant states. The mod (a really nice girl that I love talking to) just asked me if I would like to come to the gathering and they would be really happy if I did go. But she knows about the situation with my ex and said she understood if it was awkward. She had already asked my ex and he said he'd try to go, which probably means we'll have to face each other.

 

I'm conflicted. In one hand, I shouldn't have to avoid going anywhere (especially stuff I've been wanting to go for a long while) just because he'll be there. It's so unfair! But on the other hand, I'm so hurt and stung still and I don't like confrontations at all. Ever. Especially with him because we are not in good terms with each other. I'm pretty sure he's angry (although he was the one to break up with me) and I'm not yet healed. We haven't spoken or seen each other for 3 months.

 

Basically, I'm scared this will be a total disaster. I don't want to look weak to anyone by hiding out, nor do I want to be in the same room as him. I'm not about to be humiliated in public, harrassed or ignored rudely. I still don't know how I should react or act around him, when around others. I've never had to deal with this before in my life. I know I can't hide forever, but I can postpone this nerve-wrecking situation right? At least until I'm a bit better and had some closure?

 

It's been 4 months since we broke up. I'm dating someone else now, to top it off. Not sure if he knows about it.

 

So what would you do? Any advice if I do decide to go?

[ThatwasThen]

Go and take your new boyfriend. Him, he's just another guy that will be there, right? No need for drama or historonics of any sort.

 

*Leaves wondering why if you haven't yet processed your last relationship ending, you've started a new one?*

[lisa725]

I avoid races which was something my ex and I did, for the past 5 years only to find a guy that knew me then and said He would have dated me if I had stuck with the races. He is an amazing person and I would have loved to date him. Never let and ex hold you back!

[aseeker]

Go and take your new boyfriend. Him, he's just another guy that will be there, right? No need for drama or historonics of any sort.

 

*Leaves wondering why if you haven't yet processed your last relationship ending, you've started a new one?*

 

I don't know that myself. It just happened. This guy knew me for months but I never knew. I guess I didn't want to process my previous relationship and deal with the pain... Does that make sense? I was too much of a wreck and it scared me. It hurt too much. And so I decided to take the easier way out. I felt my ex and I had not been the same for 5 months (he'd broken up with me in November but we got back together the next day). From that moment on, it was just not the same anymore. He admitted he hadn't been in love with me for the past 3 months of our relationship. So I felt I just had to move on.

 

I avoid races which was something my ex and I did, for the past 5 years only to find a guy that knew me then and said He would have dated me if I had stuck with the races. He is an amazing person and I would have loved to date him. Never let and ex hold you back!

 

Long-term, I know you are right! But right now it just feels I'm jeopardizing my healing by meeting him so soon. I don't want to see him or know he's alive even I just want to be left alone...

[ThatwasThen]

Lots of people use other people as human bandaids instead of processing their pain, healing, learning what the broken relationship was meant to teach us and then dating when they have a free head and heart so that they can process properly if who they are now with is the best person for them... so yes, your explanation makes lots of sense even if it's not always a healthy thing to be doing.

 

Anyway, You are still allowing him to steal your personal power from you so you have to stop allowing him to do that. Put on your boots and get walking girl. No man is worth the personal jail you've put yourself in. Can you take the new boy with you? If you can, then why not go as a couple and just avoid the ex douche. If he imposes himself on you, then be friendly and then exit the immediate area and go talk to someone else. Anything less and you miss out on something you really want to go to (jail time). pfffft.

 

Once you've got one siting of him out of the way, you'll realize he doesn't deserve to continue to have this kind of hold over you and it will be very easy to view him with the indifference he deserves from you.

 

Good luck, let us know how it goes and if you leave and you cry, that's normal too. Everything hurts or intimidates us somehow the first time

[aseeker]

It's not just my ex I guess... It's everyone I know being there and judging me for being with someone else so soon. And talking behind my back and basically validating my ex's decision to break up with me. After all, I probably didn't love him that much if I found soneone so quickly - they will think.

I know I shouldn't care but God I do Why am I the bad guy in this?

[aseeker]

My boyfriend is going, yes, because it's something he enjoys a lot as well.