She really not ready or just not interested

[DavidBB78]

Hi all,

 

7 months ago I came out of a 2 year relationship compeletely heatbroken, I won't go into details, but basically my ex dumped me for another guy wh lived overseas and who she'd met once before.

 

Anyway, I got back in touch with this old friend whol lives in Holland. She was really supportive and really helped thrust me out of the deep black hole I found myself in. Well she came to visit me in September and we just found we clicked. I had never expected anything to happen, but it did. It was spontanoeus, we opened our hearts and laughed, in the most natural way I have ever experienced in my life.

 

She went back to Holland and we kept in touch nearly every day by phone, email or txt message. It was so nice there were no playing games and for the first time in my life I didn't feel like I had to be intense.

 

We both agreed that we weren't ready for a relationship, but wanted to see where it could go. She called me her boyfriend on a number of occasions, said she wanted to go traveling with me, I was the most loveable person in her life at this moment, introduced me to her family, said she doesn't cheat when we were having a conversation. I went to visit her and she was taken a bit a back by my affection during my visit. I sensed this and backed off, although she would give it to me during these moments. Before I left she said before I left I had been too intense and felt I wanted something more.

 

I got back home things continued ok for a few weeks and then she went cold on me - the fact is she was in a really distructive relationship before me and was really hurt. She was honest and said she needed to back off and wasn't ready for something serious. Now she says she only wants me as a friend as she needs to sort a lot of things in her mind on her own before can be happy with someone else. She was meant to come and visit me, and now she isn't anymore. She's now a lot less affectionate in her contact and no longer hear from her everyday like I used to.

 

Now I don't know how to read all this, no matter the differing opinions I've been given. Maybe I was a little intense with her when I got back from my visit, although I would never contact her unless she did so first? All the spontaniety, affection and understanding has gone. I understand and respect her fears, but am I not coming accross as too uunderstanding towards her needs? After all she gave me signals it was ok to be affectionate?

 

Do you reckon she isn't ready, or has she just lost interest in me? If so, what can I do to mend things? I want to tell her that I can't just go back to being a friend like nothing had ever happened, I was willing to be patienet and what we had was serious to me. Should i tell her this?

 

Think I am in love with her, although I haven't told her this. I wanted to know basically if there's still hope and if so, how do I make it work to advantage. I am real angry about being led on and them having the rope cut away from me.

 

Advice is warmly welcomed.

 

thanks,

 

D.

 

Unlike this day, which, when the sun shall on its stainless glory set will linger, though enjoyable, like joy in memory yet!

 

Percy Bysshe Shelley - Stanzas Written in Dejection near Naples

 

 

[littlefeet]

hello, even though i'm not sure whether this will be helpful, here are a few thoughts. . . some advice, some just another woman's perspective.

firstly, i know all about what the "typical" dating lit will say about a woman who claims "she isn't ready". usually the gist of it is "she would make time if she were interested". well, that's simply not true in all cases. i have been in a couple of very traumatically ended relationships, and during the period after i met some exceptionally great guys. i made the mistake of trying a relationship before i was ready and will never do that again, no matter how lovely "he" may be.

 

feelings can be mixed, as well--meaning one day the person may feel ready, especially if her companion seems easygoing and happy to be with you. another time, especially in a new situation (like you visiting her rather than vice versa), the situation may be stressful and it may all seem like too much.

 

you were happy, the way things were before. it may be worth a little bit of "waiting and seeing" if you really cared about this girl. i don't know her, but maybe you can think to yourself--if she had lost interest, isn't she the type who could just say so?

 

also, since you were friends, it would be sad if you felt that based on this one change, you can't be such good friends anymore.

 

i hope it all goes well for you.

[littlefeet]

oops. . . i slaughtered a sentence in there. . . but if you read quickly you shan't see it!