heyguys Posted November 27, 2004 Share Posted November 27, 2004 Im going to make this brief. I was with my bf for 2yrs. he broke up with me. He didnt want to be friends. A year goes by we run into eachother. He says he made a mistake and wants to get back together. We date for a year, he breaks up with me again. This time he wants to stay friends b/c he feels I ammostly the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, but he has no energy for a relationship right now. He still calls me and texts me and emails me saying he loves me how beautiful,sweet smart, caring, etc he thinks I am. We still hang out but we kind of agreed we'd be able to date other people. I changed my mind. I dont want to date others. ALthough he isnt dating anyone right now, hed like to kee possibility open. It doensnt make sense that hed want to date others eventually but still til this day say he loves me. I dont understand what hes thinking...please enlighten me...(p.s) we are still intimate, so i guess you can say we arent platonic friends, which makes makes it more the reason for me not to date anyone else. Link to comment
Dark_Raven Posted November 27, 2004 Share Posted November 27, 2004 ok, he says he doesn't wanna go out with you, but with other people, but he still loves you at the same time. I say that its possible that he might date other girls, and see how they react to certain things he does, but he also wants to keep in touch with you, and try some "moves" that do work. You could also just ask that since he loves you, why not keep going out with eachother instead, and not say he loves you, but doesnt wanna go out. Link to comment
Badbuffyboo Posted November 27, 2004 Share Posted November 27, 2004 Sorry sweetheart, but have you ever heard of 'having your cake and eating it'? I've been there done that.........and you are the one that will get hurt. I did it when I was a teenager....19 actually, with my ex of 2 years and 8 months.......(I can't be that old I remember the details).....We were 'seeing' each other without anyone knowing and having our own 'freedom' as well........It didn't work and I moved out of the area to make sure there would be NC at all. I was married for 13 years to a very nice guy........we are still friends but the thought of sleeping with him makes my skin crawl.My next partner left me after 2 years saying he loved me and just wanted to sort his head out......6 months of torture by him... calls telling me he loved me but couldn't be with me....dropping in on his way home from work.......but not letting me hold him or anything........I was on the edge....and fell off it.......the final push was finding out he was really seeing someone else......he'd been unfaithful when we lived together, but I forgave him......3 days on a heart monitor in hospital later......and I had enlightenment. I moved on..........but thats 6 months I'll never get back...that my memories are sketchy of.....except the pain...I remember the pain.He keeps in touch and so do a couple of ex flings.... but it is all entirely platonic..... If he loves you enough....then you are enough.........As far as I can see , he's trying to keep his options open. As my ex was doing........ Make YOU the priority and not him. Keep smiling Buffy x Link to comment
Celadon Posted November 27, 2004 Share Posted November 27, 2004 From everything you wrote, I'd have to agree with Badbuffyboo. It's hard to believe, but your ex is keeping you in his pocket in case he doesn't find anyone better -- but he still wants to look for someone he thinks is better. I don't mean to be mean in saying that, just to give you my honest impression. People pull this trick all the time. It's called friends with benefits, and basically the only person it benefits is the one who wants to have sex without the commitment of a relationship. If you don't want to get hurt -- and if you want to have a shot at getting back together with your ex -- please be strong enough to move on with your life. IF he really thinks you're worth it, he'll pursue you and commit to you. If he's just holding on to you like a security blanket, then he's not ever going to be exclusive with you again. Look at his words and his actions. If they don't line up, something's wrong. Take care of yourself. Link to comment
heyguys Posted November 27, 2004 Author Share Posted November 27, 2004 Ok...so if i dont wanna be his security blaket..how would "moving on" improve my chances of getting bak together with him? Link to comment
Hailey Posted November 27, 2004 Share Posted November 27, 2004 Face the truth. U wrote your story here means that u too sensed there's somthing wrong with him. It's not a healthy relationship and won't last long. We still hang out but we kind of agreed we'd be able to date other people. To me this is just an excuse for him of having affairs with the others. He offered u to do the same so he won't feel guilty of it. As you said you changed your mind not to date someother people that's because you love him. But he's not. For now he might be not looking for someother gals but he'd later. There're always lot of temptation out there. I don't think this is the relationship u want. Try ignore him and STOP initmate (wht's that for if u know he doesn't really love u. Don't use sex to keep a person!) See how he acts. Tell him exactly wht u think and wht u want. Listen to wht he said as a "third person" n u will find the clues. Link to comment
Hailey Posted November 27, 2004 Share Posted November 27, 2004 Face the truth. U wrote your story here means that u too sensed there's somthing wrong with him. It's not a healthy relationship and won't last long. We still hang out but we kind of agreed we'd be able to date other people. To me this is just an excuse for him of having affairs with the others. He offered u to do the same so he won't feel guilty of it. As you said you changed your mind not to date someother people that's because you love him. But he's not. For now he might be not looking for someother gals but he'd later. There're always lot of temptation out there. I don't think this is the relationship u want. Try ignore him and STOP initmate (wht's that for if u know he doesn't really love u. Don't use sex to keep a person!) See how he acts. Tell him exactly wht u think and wht u want. Listen to wht he said as a "third person" n u will find the clues. Link to comment
Badbuffyboo Posted November 27, 2004 Share Posted November 27, 2004 Hello again, How to move on and stay with the same guy? Well you make the decision that your health (and it does affect your health) is more important. You tell him that you love him too........but that if he wants to sleep around then you can't see him anymore. It's either all or nothing. If he decides he'd rather play the field, then you won't miss him anyway.....he was only ever going to make you cry........and you don't need that, you need a partner that respects you. Some people are cool with 'open relationships'. They don't work for everyone.......I've tried it myself........and I just tormented myself. For me , now ..and it has taken me years to get here.....I have boundaries and they are there for my safety...and if my fella doesn't like it....then he knows where the door is. I love him but no one will ever make me ill again. Self preservation has to kick in Sweetheart. Take care Buffy Link to comment
Celadon Posted November 27, 2004 Share Posted November 27, 2004 Ok...so if i dont wanna be his security blaket..how would "moving on" improve my chances of getting bak together with him? Well, okay, let's look at it this way. Right now, you're giving him everything he wants: sex, friendship and the freedom to go after other women. Is he asking to get back together with you? Unfortunately, no (which, as a woman, makes me mad by the way). There's a tendency for people to take other people for granted when it's too easy to get what they want. But, if you at least put your foot down in one area, and stop being intimate with him, it will show him that you value yourself enough that you will not give away something that special. He will start to see you with more respect. In his mind, he won't see you as someone who gives him whatever he wants, but someone with needs and wants too. If he really thinks you might be The One, then he will have a choice to make -- he will have to pursue you or let you go. Right now, he doesn't need to pursue/commit to you, because he's got everything he wants. I'm not saying 100 percent that he would come back to you if you let him go -- sorry -- but I'm pretty convinced that he's not going to get together with you the way things are now. So please do what's best for YOU. Take care. Link to comment
cassiana Posted November 27, 2004 Share Posted November 27, 2004 Oh my god but this guy is having his cake and eating it. If you make it this easy for him he will have nothing but contempt for you. You meantion security blanket well that's the key, insecurity. You have an open relationship, which means you have no relationship. Go out and get another boyfriuend. Your only hope to keep this guy is to treat him mean. He deserves it. Plus the new guy might be nicer. He might show you what you are missing. Link to comment
heyguys Posted November 30, 2004 Author Share Posted November 30, 2004 Well things have been pretty good lately. Either my ex is playing the fields right or something. He contacts me everyday with cute calls or emaisl or texts and tells me how muchhe loves me. He came to visit me.He said he had a surprise he wanted to drop off. SO he came and we wnet to lunch a t a mexican restaurant. We were having fun, flirting, the whole thing. He kept saying how cute i was and he didnt care what anybody said. i guess others encourage him leaving me?? Well anyway we go shopping after adn then for dessert, he grabbed my hand like if we were together. I htought he wanted to be friends, but I let it go and held his hand too. We came back to my place and watched tv. He came and lay with em on the couch and cuddled with me saying he loves cuddling with me, that im his favorite. He leaves b/c he has to work the next morning. He comes again on sat for a football game i had boughten tix for as his bday amonth ago. Again we had a great time. The whole time I am thinking to myself "this is so great why woudl he not want us to get back together" i know he doesnt have enough energy for a relationship again, but we have been spending so much time together and in contact so much, liek when we weer together or even more. Its really weird. I dont wanna bring "us" up b/c i dont wanna pressure. Any tips on what to do from here. Oh yeah , he "accidnetly" left hsi wallet here on sat and so i offered to drop it off since id be in town, not college, that day. Ahh, i love him, but i dont know how to move forward with this. Should i not get my hopes up thatd we'll get bak together. Are we hanging out to see if this is somethign he wants to get himself back into? We are going to another game this sat..ucla! Well drop some advice....please Link to comment
Celadon Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 He came and lay with em on the couch and cuddled with me saying he loves cuddling with me, that im his favorite. Well, I guess it's good that you're having a good time with him, but I would still be careful, because he's not made a commitment to you and is still getting everything he wants while you do not have what you want and he's already broken up with you twice before. BTW, did he really use the word "favorite"? "Favorite" usually means that there are also others. Like, I love ice cream, but my favorite is chocolate. So I just wanted to ask ... are there other women he's cuddling with? Anyway, you asked for advice, so I think you need to talk to him about where this is going. It's not pressure. You need to know. 'Cause if he's going to play the fields and doesn't really plan on being with you long term, it's not in your best interest to keep seeing him -- as great as he is at giving you compliments. Take care of yourself. Link to comment
cassiana Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 I would also worry about the phrase "his favourite". This means that there are others and you can be camn sure hes not telling them that they are his second favourite. Link to comment
heyguys Posted November 30, 2004 Author Share Posted November 30, 2004 I think there may be a misunderstadning. We have always said that to eachother, like favorite thing in general, I guess. I say it to and I dont mean that. Ya, Im pretty sure he didnt mean it like that. Link to comment
cassiana Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 Well if it walks like a boyfriend, talks like a boyfriend and snuggles like a boyfriend why won't it call itself a boyfriend. What is he holding back. Link to comment
heyguys Posted November 30, 2004 Author Share Posted November 30, 2004 Well if it walks like a boyfriend, talks like a boyfriend and snuggles like a boyfriend why won't it call itself a boyfriend. What is he holding back. That is exactly the question that I ask myself all the time. That is why I am on this website.forum to begin with. =/ Link to comment
PrincessLinzay Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 Telling someone that they "don't have the energy" for a relationship is just a cop out. When someone loves you, they want to be with you....period. I agree with the poster who stated that he was trying to have his cake and eat it too. He's stringing you along with promises of being with you in the future, meanwhile he can go out and do what he wants. I say kick him to the curb if he can't commit. Link to comment
cassiana Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 I was that poster! and that's my point above also. He gets all the benefits but gives nothing back in this arrangement. You should only let a man who respects you enough to call you his girlfriend kiss you. Link to comment
Badbuffyboo Posted December 1, 2004 Share Posted December 1, 2004 Hello again, You seem smitten by his attentions to you.........can't blame you, we've all been there. Enjoy it while it lasts if you want.........but don't be overly surprised when you get a call saying he can't make this week because....?????..... and you will get the call........ If he hasn't got the energy for a relationship, what is he doing playing happy families with you? Does he want a woman on a string that he can pull when he has the energy? Again if you are happy with that , go for it.....but make sure you are strong enough for when the string breaks! We all deserve happiness and fun........If you just want to ride the wave that he's come in on for the time being , go for it, live for now and have fun, make yourself smile. Just don't read anything into it that isn't there, you'll make yourself miserable........and when you ask questions on a site like this be prepared that you may not like the answers! Keep smiling Buffy x Link to comment
heyguys Posted December 8, 2004 Author Share Posted December 8, 2004 Well we still talk but he is indirectly telling me that he wants me to himself. WEll maybe not so discreetly, but he says it in a sort of joking way. Well after he called a break, I developed a tiny crush on someone in class. No big deal, trust me. It ended up going nowhere, but my ex knew about it. Although the crush I had is over, my ex still brings it up all the time jokingly, but I can tell he still holds the thought. He thinks me and that guy talk or that we spend time together and we dont. Last night my ex and I were on the phone and he said "you better not receive any gifts from all the boys out there" in a teasing manner. I joked back "why?" he said because. Then I said all the bosy will ask why and he said "tell them your friend said no, your friend thats a boy, your boyfriend" I knew he was joking, sort of, but now hes trying to say hes my friend biy.boyfriend. I thought it was a weak attempt for him to claim me. I told him that I didnt have a boyfriend and Id take gifts from anyone that gave me one. I kinda know what my ex was trying to get at, but i think he needs to say the words "i am your boyfriend, or I want to be your boyfriend" for me to consider him as one. All in all,thats all the happened and hes gonna call me again tonight, as usual. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now