compulsive calling

[selfsabotage]

Ive done this twice now, ruined two relationships. I promised myself after the first time I wouldn't repeat it again but I couldn't stop myself. Both at the times were after a serious argument, the day after when they said they'd call but didn't. I know she needed time to cool off but I got irritated with being ignored so I call 5 times and force an answer. The whole time telling myself to stop calling as its gonna make me look like a psycho.

 

Usually I dont bother at all with how long it takes to call back, or even if we don't speak much for the day, its only when something's wrong I "need" to know where we stand. I forces an otherwise different result to the one it may have been given I let her time to cool off.

 

Its a compulsion that rears its ugly head I didnt think it would be a problem but ive done it twice and ruined two relationships.

 

Am I alone in this & how to stop it from happening agian?

[hopelessincan]

lol.. I laughed out loud when I read your post. Not because its funny, but because I could have written that, word for word.

 

Its especially bad when you are fully aware that your actions are not going to help matters, but yet there is a compulsive need to 'fix' the situation immediately.

 

I don't have much advice to offer, other than to tell you that you definitely aren't alone. Im pretty sure I know why I react that way, but that's a whole other topic.

To me its got to be a two way street, and the one who uses silence also needs to compromise to suit your need to fix things...make sense?

[selfsabotage]

Absolutely, but the need to "fix" things right away?.........why? It forces a heated desicion. Anyway I feel better that it not just me, thanks

[hopelessincan]

also, just remember it takes two to ruin a relationship. You both have different fighting/communication styles. That's what I keep telling myself.

 

As for the need to fix things, I think its an abandonment or anxiety issue..... For me anyway. I hate arguing, yet I can be bullheaded and stubborn. I hate conflict yet because I speak up it is sometimes taken as aggressive behavior (which sitting on the phone hitting redial can be seen as aggressive even though its not intended that way)

[selfsabotage]

Seems true for me too

[sare110]

been there done that...

only thing that got me to change was saying out loud "why am i caring so much when hes probably not giving a s***" kept repeating it until i believed it.

Fed my pride enough to turn things around.

 

Try it.. next time your on the verge to pick your phone up and call say it out loud anything self ego boosting... and say it again.. and again... and then 100 more times. I notice once you call its more likely to turn into a vicious cycle of compulsive dialing. Try to stop it right away and put ur phone away.. say self motivating words, feed your ego while your distract yourself... soon youll stick to not only not calling them but also maybe even ignoring their calls . Tables turned!

[Realitynut]

ugh....i've even put my phone in the drawer....trying to stay away from it! AND not to keep looking to see if he called/texted.

 

But i could never keep it in the drawer very long.....

[selfsabotage]

Awesome advice, its true too that after you call, you keep calling, snowball effect u keep giving the chance to be ignored by calling so you get angrier everytime u try, perpetuating the cycle. If u only call once, it stops there

[Ms Darcy]

I would suggest getting out of the house without your phone. Go for a run to get your heart rate up (helps you deal with stress) and lower your needy tendency.

[Ourladylala]

I delete numbers and pass them on to a trusted friend- then after a 48 hour "emotional detox" period I may ask for my friend to resend me the number. Childish, I know, but it has saved me a lot of grief.