Bad, Very Bad breakup

[sweetsparkle]

i'm so heartbroken. i don't even know where to begin. my boyfriend and i (we've been together for two and half years) just broke up. in a nutshell, about a month and a half ago, while we were in taipei, i broke up with him and went back to LA because things weren't working out and we were fighting ALL the time. but he called me everyday and begged me to come back and asked me to give him a chance to work things out. i didn't want to but two days later he calls me and he told me that he was in San Francisco with his family because he couldn't stand being by himself in taipei, especially we've been a big part of each other's life for so long. he asked me come up to SF and work things out with him. by this time, i missed him so much so i went up to SF. this is when all the big problems started. old habits die hard so we went back to fighting but what made it worse was the fact that his family was there. and what made it even worse was that he told his mom everything. there was so much tension in that house but he still told me he loved me and we tried once again to work it out. anyway, last night we booked a ticket to go back to taipei. in the middle of it, his sister asked me to go back to LA and that i shouldn't go to back to taiwan with him. i was so hurt by this confrontation and asked her why? she told me that we fought too much and that she and his parents think it's better that we separate. so i told him that maybe i shouldn't go since his family is so against me. but he still wanted me to go. anyway after a while the more i thought about it the more i got upset and decided to call my friends to pick me up. i told him that i never wanted to see him again because it's too much for me. at taht point, he told me not to leave but his sister started yelling and saying i should leave. she even told me that he told her many times he didn';t want to be with me anymore. this whole time he never stood up for me once. and he even told me that i'm unhappy with him so why am i still with him. i was so shocked because just a while ago he told me that he loved me and that he wanted me to go back with him and work things out. once my friend came, he just stood there and never even told me to stay. god i'm so furious. i need everyone's opinion on what i should do. i'm here at my friend's place but i'm so lost. pleas ehelp

[arwen]

It sounds like your boyfriend is stuck between his family and you. I can imagine that it hurts that he didn't stand up for you. You needed his support in this, I think he didn't realize how heavy it was for you to have been attacked by his family.

 

I think it's best to call him and ask him when he has time alone to talk to you. When his family is around, you won't be able to have the conversation you need right now. You can ask him how he feels about what happened here.

 

I hope you hear from him,

 

keep us posted,

 

Ilse.

[Switch187]

Well you already know what you need to do.. Move On. Right now he's show you little to prove that he really loves you, or shown you that he can "protect" you (and your love) when it's threatened. The best thing for you to do is just keep doing things that will keep your mind off him. Talk to your friends until you get bored with talking about him (a sign of moving on), go out and enjoy your "freedom" and try to live life like everyday was your last. Don't jump into anytype of relationship right now, but don't seclude yourself from meeting a new guy (or guys) and use that time to re-establish what YOU want from life and a relationship. Don't call him anytime soon, give yourself a couple weeks and see if you really want to talk to him. If he calls you and you don't want to talk, leave it at that ("I'm not ready to start talking to you", "I need time for myself before I can give you time", and so on). Just keep moving forward (I know it's easier said than done, but just try), and just forget about everything that just happened. If he comes back to you, you need to make sure that's what YOU want, and you need to make sure that he can show you that he really does love you (doesn't mean he buys you all kinds of gifts, and stuff like that, but his attitude should have changed in time), and make sure it's what YOU want.

 

If you havn't realized yet, all I'm trying to tell you is that this is the time you need to spend for YOU. Everything right now needs to revolve around YOU and what YOU want. Hope you can pull through and find your happiness again, either with him again or with someone new.

[Cadence308]

I'm wondering why his parents and family are so against you? It takes two people to have a fight? Have you cheated on your bf or do you pick fights with him? From your story it sounds like it's mutual. What do the two of you fight about?

 

I think it's very stressful to be in a stressful relationship. It's not good to be emotionally drained and worried about a relationship. Do you think that your relationship with your boyfriend should really be over and maybe 1 or both of you are co-dependent on the other? That's what it sounds like. It sounds like the relationship is over, but neither of you wants to admit it. Just something to think about...

[sweetsparkle]

i almost picked up the phone to call him but stopped myself and called my friend instead. thoughts such as "will he regret? will he miss me? will he call me?" are running around and around my head and i can't stop crying. i miss him so much. by now he might have already left to go back to taipei. if he told me he loved me, why didn't he stand up for me? i don't want him to choose between his family or i but i do expect him to stand up for me, especially when he was the one who wanted to get back together.

 

as for why his family is against me - it's mainly because we fight all the time. they feel it gets in the way of his career, something that he has't started on yet. (he wants to be a musician in taiwan).

 

please help. let me know more about what i should do. should i contact him, no contact, or wait? thank you.

[Switch187]

I say just wait until he calls you. Let him show you that he has the "guts" to stand up for you and for what he believes in (which should be the love he says he has for you). Go into NC for now, and do what you have done when you feel like talking to him, call someone else. Let him realize what life is like without you, and let yourself realize what life is like without him. If he really does love you, he will make that effort to show you that he cares. If not, well then you saved yourself some time and effort of salvaging a relationship that won't go anywhere. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but it's what I would do if I were in your shoes.

[sweetsparkle]

i miss him so much

i want to go see him

but i know i can't

i feel so lost and i want to hear his voice again

i wish his family would step back but at the same wish he could show me that he loves me - but maybe he doesn't

maybe he was just saying it

how can i start my life again

i've been in taipei with him for so long - now i'm back in LA alone and with no job, no friends.

will he meet another girl? will he never look back at me?

[Switch187]

I know that you really want to feel that way, but you can't. Believe me it's just going to make you go insane and these thoughts will just keep getting worse. I've been there, I've done that. The best thing to do is look at all your positives right now (you may feel like there's none, but there are some) and use this time to your advantage. Some things that I heard help, and I recommend trying, are to make a list of all the things that you didn't like about the relationship (and make sure you get every detail out on paper) and hang that paper somewhere in your house. Everyday when you walk past it, give it a glance and see if you want to add anything to it. Don't be surprised when the list gets really long. Another thing to do is write a list of all your positive traits that you like, and each day when you wake up read it and make sure you believe it. I've heard some people say these things help them move on and help them become a better person, so you may want to give it a shot. Don't be scared to spend a few days just letting out all your tears and getting all that out of your system, it's natural and necessary for you to make yourself feel better. But after a few days, then you need to get up and do what makes YOU happy (once again this time is about you finding what YOU want). As so many people have said "If it's meant to be, then it's meant to be", and of course "If you love something let it go, and if it comes back then it's true". I know you can pull through this, you just need to see that light on the other side of the "dark cloud" your under right now.