Before I Go Completely Insane

[taffy21]

My boyfriend and I met a year ago. He's a merchant marine so his job requires that he's out to sea most of the time. I got pregnant and had the baby 3months ago and he has been gone a lot though he calls and the money for the baby is always on time.

 

I am currently out of the US and moved back to where my parents are because we all decided it'd be best for me to be with my family while he's away. Our plan was for me to go back to school and get my nursing degree (about 2 years) while he works nonstop with the exception of a month or 2 off to see us. When I get my degree. we planned on moving back to the mainland and to settle down.

 

Anyway, here's the problem. This past week, I hadn't heard from him. I couldnt reach him via his cell phone. I got worried and I know this doesnt excuse or justify anything, but I checked his voicemail to see if i could get an idea as to what's going on. I could have called his company but they're closed over the weekend and since i'm not an immediate relative, they wouldn't likely release the information of his status to me. So I heard a couple of girls .. some of my friends said it sounds innocent but the others think there's more to the story. One girl had talked about keeping in touch and another had talked about having a bad day and she needed to see him or talk to him. I erased them. I checked his messages again and one of those girls had called to wish him a happy thanksgiving and then a 'miss u' in the end.

 

I know this has gotten too long but i really need some input. I havent been able to sleep because as much as I want to, I cant get it out of my head. I want to ask him about it but if I do, he'll know I was checking his voicemail and totally take it as me spying on him which wasnt the case. please help, i need my peace of mind back.

[tiger_lilies]

But you ARE spying on him if you erase his messages without telling him! I understand that this is hard for you...and the plan you've made for your family is a hard one to follow.

You'll only get peace of mind when you are able to talk to him...it's all about Communication!

 

Personally I would be quite upset if someone erased my messages without telling me. He must've given you his code number because he trusts you and wants you to know that he's not hiding anything from you. Don't take advantage of that trust! You're digging a hold for yourself by not being honest with him. Confront him, apologize for erasing the messages, this way, you can question him about it.

[taffy21]

actually, he never gave me the pw to his voice mail. it was the old one he had for his old phone which he had given me before but he changed it eventually. this phone is new and i just took a wild guess with the pw.

 

You're right, it doesnt excuse my invading his privacy and there's nothing more that I want to do than tell him what I did ..that way i can also ask him about the messages but he'll be so angry. and what if he uses that as an excuse to lie to me about those girls? it's quarter after 4am here and I cant sleep. i wish i had never done it but i did and i dont know what to do.

[RayKay]

Well, I don't think checking his voice mail..and more so erasing his messages was right...though I do understand that you were probably pretty upset at the time after not being able to get a hold of him.

 

Just, don't do that again

 

As for the issue...your suspicions...I think the only way you can really know is to talk to him and figure out what is going on in his life...do you know his friends (girls and guys?), as maybe they were just friends, but if he is hiding people from you than I would be a bit more suspicious.

 

Problem is a relationship needs mutual trust - without it it will fail. The real question here is not who those other girls are, but do you trust HIM? If you don't, you do really need to talk about this...and granted he may get mad at you and change his PIN, but he can't really pretend the girls don't exist then, can he? Or you might find out that there is nothing to worry about, he might be upset you checked up on him...but maybe he knew you had pw anyway if he used the same one as before?

 

Good luck!

[bnybrain]

I would probably react the same way you did. In fact, I'd probably check his messages too! Furthermore, I would tremendously CONFUSED as to who theses "girls" are. Why they are leaving him messages? Why doesn't he talk about them if he has nothing to hide. That is strange and you need to get to the bottom of his ... maturely... eek.

 

I totally agree with you, I wouldn't be able to sleep either. Are you guys married? If not, I'd really try to find out what's really going on here.

 

Hannah

[11flower]

Hi,

 

Some have said you shouldn't go poking into your "committed's" private email. In this case, I wonder should you have an exception to the rule. I think you have a right to know what your boyfriend is doing. You've had his baby. He's committed to come back and see you. You've made some life plans to be together. No, I'm sorry. You have a right to know because you've also made plans around this guy's commitment. Right now, the most important issue in my mind is you, your baby, and that you do know what this guy is up to. Those other girls, well, it sounds to me he might be at something, or up to something. But, I'm a cautious person. But I am also one to see the handwriting on the wall. So, you feel doubt; you have reason to feel doubt. No harm in checking out the reality of the situation and excusing yourself for the oh so terrible atrocity of violating his private emails. Honey, don't worry. You've committed and had his baby, made plans together. No, you have a right. Find out what's going on. If you find he's playing around on you, at least you will be able to begin negotiating your relationship together and/or making new plans, or reconciling, or best of all, there was nothing to worry about. Men can often be attracted to women, as can women to men. That's not wrong. It's wrong when you violate a commitment or the agreement with one another as to your relationship, right?

 

Let us know what happens and what the outcome is.

 

Hang in there,

 

11flower