married woman in love with another woman

[meridiano]

Ok, this is kind of complicated. I'm a 29 year old female, married, no kids. I've never had a same-sex relationship and never thought about it until i met that woman more than a year ago. She is about 42 years old, married and has two kids, one is about 23 and the other one is about 19. I'm her student, and it was special since the beginning. We locked eyes when we met and i just can't stop looking at those beautiful green eyes every time i got the chance. The thing is that i think she feels the same because during this year we've been having a lot of non-verbal flirting. Sometimes i catch her stearing at me, looking away briefly and then looking back, she would touch me lightly and briefly in the arm, smiles...so, that gives me an idea of what's going on. In the past two months the flirting has been very intense because i'm moving soon and now i try to approach her more directly. I would go to her desk to ask her a question and while she's explaining, we look at each others eyes and we always smile. A few days ago, she was explaining something to me, and we had a very intense eye contact, she watched my mouth while i was sucking my lips and she touched me in the arm two or three times. Another day, she was explaining something else to me and at the end she said "...you can convey a message just by looking at someone, you know what i mean?". Was she trying to tell me something?. However she always sends mixed signals, one day she seems very interested and the other day she is indiferent. My question is: For what i've said, is it possible that she feels the same way i do? I'd love to tell her what i feel, but i fear rejection. My intention is not to act on my feelings, but just let her know what i feel before i go and hopefully know that she loves me too. This uncertainty is consuming me and i need some advice.

[iceesnowbubble]

Not to rain on your parade but have you considered the fact that BOTh of you are married.. what about your husbands?

[Cadence308]

That is a good question, iceesnowbubble. You do need to think about your husbands.

 

Also, she's your professor and you're the student. There's a big difference in power between the both of you, so that's something to think about. In addition, she could lose her job for having sexual relations with her student. Most professors I know really care about their jobs and wouldn't want to risk it.

 

I think that you should just enjoy the flirting and back and forth banter and if you are still crazy about her after the semester or the class is over, maybe try to get her to go out to coffee with you and then tell her how you feel about her and see if it's mutual.

 

Keep us posted.

[Denalhi]

Has this effected you sexlife w/ your husband? Have you or could you talk to him about this. Your married. What ever you do you have to remember his feelings too. Who knows.

[meridiano]

Well, of course i'm aware that we both are married, and the thing is that i'm moving soon to another town, so probably i wont see her again. That's why i'm considering the posibility of expressing my feelings just before i leave, so there wont be enough time to act on them if it's mutual. It's just something that i need to get off my chest, i love her so bad that it hurts. I mean, this totally took me by surprise and i'm so confused that i don't know how to deal with the love i feel for that woman. I know is wrong if i act on my feelings and that's not my intention. I just want to know, that's all, that would do it for me and i wont live the rest of my life wondering. The problem is that sometimes her attitude disconcerts me and i don't know what to think. Can anyone tell me why i love my husband and at the same time i'm having those strong feelings for that woman??.And why did i fall in love with a woman at this stage of my life??.Anyway, thanks for your replies.

[mgirl]

Hi Meridiano,

 

I was in the same situation at the start of the year and it is frustrating. I wouldn't worry about my marriage if i were you, it's not like you are going to act on it. Sometimes we just meet people we really like or fall in love with. If you are willing to tell her then more power to you.

 

I am not sure why you could or would love your husband at the same time as this women. As i said before, sometimes we just really like someone and we don't know why.

 

Good luck

[helpneeded]

u say u just want 2 know....but 2 b honest, u'll feel alot worse if u do find out the feelings r mutual and nothing can b done about it. it'll make moving town a lot more difficult too. it's easier said than done. say u spoke 2 her, she loves u too.....u end up kissing or something, then u have to leave.......u'll be hurting a lot......

and yeah, i know how it feels to suddenly come accross one woman who u fall in love with even though u never have beofre....it's so strange, but that's the way life is!

[VirginiaW]

Yes there is a possibility that she feels the same way about you.

 

But, you should not overlook the possibility that you are seeing what you wish to see. When we are in love, we desperately want the object of our affection to feel the same- and that can make us see more than there really is.

 

My advice- write her a letter. It will bug you for ever if you do not find out. A nice sober letter, explaining what you feel and asking her what her feelings are toward you- that will not put her on the spot or feel as awkward as a face to face question, and if the answer is "no", then you need not lose face in front of her.

[mgirl]

I think life is too short not to know. I would ask face to face if i wanted to know. If you want some ideas, PM me

[cosqui32]

I was in about the same situation with a couple differences. Although every situation is different because of each personas confusion. Well let me begin with mines. I, to begin, am bi-sexual. I knew this back in grade school. But never acted on a same sex relationship. Had boyfriends but nothing serious, because inside i knew, my attraction to females were much stronger. Basically never came out of the closet on that aspect. Had many secret crushes through-out high school, again never did anything about it. Then I graduated high school and was really excited on going to culinary school, I wanted to make sure that my summer was going to be the best. My parents are from El Salvador, in Central America. I decided to go for the summer, tropical weather, the beach, why not! Met a lot of family I only knew from pictures. Then I met HER! She is a family friend, actually an aunt of mine raised her, because her family abandoned her. As you know some of these third world countries are poor, she was fortunate to be adopted by my family. Well I was 18 at the time she was 28, married, and had a daughter. Something about her just grabbed me, I was not in love but i really liked her, ALOT! But like always never acted on it. We became great friends, emailed each other every day and did alot of indirect flirting, went to her house and had alot of close calls, but of course I did nothing. I went every summer for the next 3 years. I went on Christmas in the year 2001, I was 21, excited, I went that summer, graduated in Nov, so I had this great new confidence and my goal was to find out if she felt the same because I could not handle my feelings any more. BUT, she was a married woman with a daughter, what was I thinking. I did not mention the advantage I had, you probably wandering how did you guys hang out so much if her husband was there, well he wasn't. He was head manager of some energy company in El Salvador. He worked in a different province in the country, about 2 hours away, he only came home once a week for one night to visit is daughter, and children from a previous marriage. So I had the advantage that she was lonely, and some need of affection. So there I was doing all that as a friend with a little more. Lets just say nothing happened that christmas but she finally confessed that she liked me more than a friend, and she told me that I was confusing HER! That she was afraid to do anything because she was a fraid I was goignt o hurt her. That showed me that you never know what the other person thinks until you asked. Well the following summer I could not go because I had a trip planned with some friends, so I took it upon myself to bring her and her daughter to visit me in April for spring break. I was living on my own, dating guys on and off, but when she came I felt that this was it, something was going to happen. And no doubt I had my very first sexual relation with a woman, hers too. For those 2 weeks I was in cloud 9! I loved her, it was great. I was so sad when she left, I did not even want to go to my trip, but how would I explain this to people, note, I was still in the closet about being atrracted to woman. But I finally knew what that was, and I loved it. But there was the circumstance that she was married and her child. I was very confused on what to do. I started calling her almost everyday, emailing non stop, she would write me love poems etc... she was so in love but I started doubting this relationship. Me in NJ, alone, and my imagination started taking control. I started getting jealous of her husband, I hated the idea that she was even with him once a week. But I loved her I did not care. But at the same time I could not live with her or bring her here because people would know. I t was hard at first, until I went that X-mas again. The passion we had when we were together was even more intense than the first time. No lie, there was times that we did it 3 times in a day...I forgot all I felt those months we were separated. We had a serious talk and since we have had a long distance relation we complete 2 years together. Yes we are still secret, she is still married but separated. And here is a twist, I now have a baby boy from a ex boyfriend, thats a whole different story. But I would really like to email each other, and see what you finally decide to do. Do not feel like you are the only one, I feel that you have to go with the flow, I would have never known how she felt if I did not ask. I would have missed out in the greatest thing! It was hard at first but when you love somenone whith all your heart anything is possible. Like I told my girl, you need to meditate on your feelings. How is the relationship with your husband, do you feel like your being neglected, or has time just burn that passion you had when you first met. I am no expert, but at 24, these have been crazy past 5 years. Since then I have been with 2 other women but that was when things were started, I finally came out to my family and friends. They think I am dumb for having this long distance relationship, but who cares, its my life, I might as well have fun. And I have a beautiful baby boy.... what more can I ask for. My email is cosqui32@link removed. Please contact me, I would like to chat and see what is your outcome. Well thats if you like. Well dont feel bummed out, go with your feelings, or you will regret it. Because if you just run away, what if you meet another woman your atrracted to, then what, you move again? Once you curious, it wont go away until you do something, then if you see its not for you, at least you know! Well any one who reads this, sorry I get carried away when I write, it was kind of long, and if any one wants to chat, there is my email! well Im out!

[mgirl]

Wow, Cosqui32, that's an amazing story. I couldn't take my eyes off it. You have inspired me! Next time i like someone, i am going to tell them, and THAT IS IT!

[cosqui32]

well, i am glad it could inspire you, i feel that everyone should take a risk sometimes, even if its not the outcome one wants, to be a better person sometimes your heart has to be broken...we need these obstacle, if life was perfect, i think it would be pretty boring!

[Flip_flop]

wow cosqui32, that was an amazing story.. but I'm really curious to know how it ended. Do you still talk to this woman? if so, are you still together? were you ever exclusive? you seemed to date other ppl intermittently while this was going on.. I guess if you ever have time, I would be very interested in reading the ending to the story

[cosqui32]

well it actually didn't end, though there were times I could not stand the long distance relationship, so she told me that I could see other people but to never forget her, you know her having a husband and still having somewhat of a relationship with him, she in a way had no right to forbid me to see people, I mean me being in Jersey and knowing that her husband might do it to her the night he came, no way! so it was open for a while, but when I visited, that same ol' passion with each other was great....and in that OPEN stage of our relationship, my ex-boyfriend cane back in my life, I told him about my bi-sexuality, and about having a secret girlfriend, of course he was shocked, he supported me and told me he loved me. He even said, that if I never want to be with a man, but want kids he would father them! I was like OKAY BUDDY TOO FAR THERE! but after thinking about that crazy proposition, I actually did want at least one child. i talked to my secret lover, and asked about what she thought about me having a baby! She was thrilled, after days and nights of heavy thinking, I felt I could support a child on my own, My ex of course was willing to help, but in a way I wanted no serious thing with him, I have a great career, and the only thing left was my family! I was like OH SH*T! I decide to come out to my closest family, starting with my sister, then parents and so on...of course I would not mention the relationship I had in El Salvador, just because, she was married...and my parents are a tad bit religious! just telling them taht I was bi was enough shock I thought, I really did not want to hear a lecture on homosexuality, and a lecture in adultery in one night! I mean my dad can talk for hours! well any way, my sister was so supportive, she was going to back me up in anything, she thought it was great for me to have a child, and she would help me in any way, she even told me about a site that a friend of hers constantly goes to because was thinking of having a child and wanting to be single mother by choice. Well I came out to my parents, and to my shock...NO LECTURE...you know what they said...we knew, we were just waiting for you to feel comfortable enough to come out and say it! Well, most people know now, but no one know about this secret relationship. my family knows I have a long distance relationship, but do not know who and of course does not know she is married! I ended up having a boy, and its great. now about my relationship, I stopped the open thing after the pregnancy, we are currently still together, and still in love. We see each other about 3 times a year, every time lasting about 2-3 weeks....el salvador is about 5 hours away flying, but it aint so cheap but oh well....I mostly pay for her to come, I go for X-mas and New years....I actually leave this weekend, kind of weird because i am going with my baby boy this time! No one knows and I dont think I ever will let it out, if this were to ever finish, Although it would be hard, it would have neen the best experience of my life, well they birth of my son is the best experience but it definitely would be the next best thing in my life. I dont ever think she would come here to be with me, and i dont think i could ever go oover there to live. I mean I have everything here, I was born and raised in NJ, Ny is around the corner, my career is just growing, for those that did not know I am Chef/Catering Manager....I love it! I admit thought that it is hard, not only the long distance thing, but to keep it strong, there has to be the biggest trust possible, if not, the relationship would definitley die. To keep the passion and love alive, there has to be alot of communication. No jealousy that is not normal can get in the way...and of course the will to keep going on like this, secret and all. I mean we hide this from her daughter too, she is 6 now, but when she is older and notices stuff like this, what do we do? you know! but i figure we resolve that when we get there. but all this is because we love each other. And like i told meridiano, i would have missed out on this if i would have never confessed my feelings to her. Yes there is that risk that the outcome is not what one wants, but at least you know...know what i mean! well i am glad you guys like my story, you guys are the only one that know now about this secret relationship that i have, and it feels good to let it out....!LOL i thought people would call me dumb for having this type of relationship, not about the woman thing, but about the fact that she is married, has a daughter, and is so far away from me..... but oh well in the end i do what i want, but just the fact that people think they can judge you by your actions bother me, but oh well...got to go!

 

me

[meridiano]

So here's what happened. I moved testerday and I talked to her last week. I told her that I nedded to talk to her and that it was about something personal, so we went to an empty classroom. I said that I needed to get something off my chest and then I said " I have feelings for you", she asked me what kind of feelings and I said "you know waht I mean". At that point her face changed, it literally changed. She was smiling and I'd say that she beamed with joy. She started to ask me questions like since when, if it was the first time, why her??, etc. She said that it was the first time something like that happened to her and that she was flattered. After that, she said "you are such a intelligent and beautiful woman...and I'm so flattered!!, and said someting like she was so in shock that she wouldn't be able to concentrate, I said "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you" and she just said "it doesn't bother me...I'm flattered!" all the time smiling, I mean, she was touched.

 

She wanted to give me her e-mail so I can tell her how am I doing, but I didn't want to, I mean, why would I send her an e-mail saying " hi, I just want you to know that I still love you, but I'm doing fine" if she's not asking??.Besides, If she really wants to know she can ask one of my classmates for my e-mail.

 

After that, I said goodbye and she touched my face and said goodbye too. It hurts, but even though it wasn't what I expected, I'm grateful. It was a very awkward situation, and her reaction made me feel confortable. I'm doing fine, but it hurts so bad...I love that woman and only time will heal the pain...I guess.

 

I'd just like to know why did she stare at me the way she did if she wasn't feeling anything??I mean, I caught her staring at me lots of times, why did she do it?? I'm not seeing what I want to see, it is a fact, she was always staring at me and now I don't know why. Can anyone tell me why did she behave that way then? and why was she so happy for my telling her what I feel??

 

Anyway, I moved already and life goes on. I'm glad I did it though.

 

Have no fear, have no regrets.

[Cadence308]

All I can say is: Wow, I am so proud of you for letting her know your feelings and just being straight forward about it. That takes guts and her reaction wasn't negative. I'm sure it was a very awkward situation. I know how awkward it was for me when I told my crush that I thought of her as a friend and she lit into me about how she couldn't be my confidant, etc.

 

As for her reaction, are you sure it wasn't mutual and that she just felt like she couldn't come out and say it? Do you think her telling you that she is flattered and she thinks you are very intelligent and beautiful was a brush off so that she didn't have to say that the feelings aren't mutual?

 

It's hard to say why she was staring at you. She most likely did find you physically attractive and that could have been why she was staring at you all of the time. She probably did feel some attraction for you. We all feel attraction towards people that we like, even who we choose as friends, but that attraction varies for different people. Usually, we are attracted to those that like us and are attracted to us. Maybe she's totally straight and she felt a lot of attraction to you, but not romantic attraction.

 

Did you give her your email? Will you keep in touch with her?

[meridiano]

[

Thanks Ballys, and I know... more power to me right?

The thing is, Why couldn't she come out and say it??...if that was the case...I mean, i did the most difficult part right?. It just disconcerts me her reaction, really, it was weird.

 

You make a lot of sense, I've thought about that too, maybe she just finds me attractive or something but is not looking for a "relationship" with me...how common is that?? I don't know.

 

I didn't give her my e-mail, she didn't even ask for it, but she knows that some of my classmates have it. And as I said, I did my part don't you think?? *sight* .

 

Thanks for your interest

[Cadence308]

Well, I know that my post probably didn't help you much. That's why I think it's best that when people know that they have so much attraction for someone else and want to know if it's mutual, it's best to ask to find out as soon as possible so these things aren't drug out and have time to escalate and obsess about it. I understand, though, that you were both married and she was your professor.

 

If she did have romantic feelings towards you, I know it sounds simple that she should have admitted it. But, you just had a class with her and were sort of, in a way, still her student since you hadn't left the university. Faculty can get into a lot of trouble for having romantic relationships with students, so a lot of it does come down to her professionality. I think with my crush this could have also been the case, even though I'm not a student at the university where she is and haven't been for a year, let alone she has never been my professor and we have never had a working relationship. I know that my crush is super paranoid about those things. If your professor was an elitist and obsessed with her work that my crush was, this could have been a huge factor for her not saying the feelings were mutual, even if they were.

 

I do find it strange that she went on saying how flattered she was that you felt that way towards her. Did you actually tell her that you were falling in love with her or that you thought she was beautiful or anything like that? I can see how one could say how flattered they are, but the weird thing about it is if it's not mutual she should have said that she's married and she is very fond of you, or something, but that she doesn't have feelings for you in that way.

 

I'm also wondering if you actually asked her if she felt the same or said something like, "I felt like we got to be friends in your class and I feel a strong connection with you. I'm romantically attracted to you and I was just wondering if you felt the same way?" That would have been a good thing to say even though it would have put her on the spot because you are still wondering about her.

 

Also, she wants to keep in touch with you. Wait and see if she emails you. Or call her and say what I stated above about wanting to know if the feelings were mutual. You do need to get closure on this. But, I'm wondering if she had said the feelings were mutual and you wanted to act on that, could you have? Did you want a romantic relationship? I think you've become more attracted to her since your original post because I think originally you were just curious, but now curiosity has turned into obesession. I'm in the same boat.

[mgirl]

Hi Meridiano,

 

Congratulations for telling her, but it must hurt to know or think she doesn't feel the same way. It's hard. At first, i thought you said she asked for your email, but now i realise she offered to give you hers. I wouldn't have taken it either, and if she wants yours, she can ask somebody in the class.

 

I don't know why she looked at you. Probably because she admired you also, but obviously your feelings weren't returned.

 

I hope the transition from telling her to getting over it is easy,

 

Mgirl

[meridiano]

Ballys,

Thanks for your reply, and your imput was helpful, really. I think I have considered all of the possibilities that you mentioned, but unfortunately, I don't have the answer.

I didn't tell her that I'm in love with her, I just said that I have feelings for her and she asked if like in a relationship, and I said yes. When she asked why her?? I wanted to tell her what I think about her and why i fell in love with her, but I couldn't and just said "I don't know".

I never asked her if she felt the same way, basically because I thought that it was enough with my confession, and that if she felt the same she would have told me. I'm not calling her, as I said, I did my part, and if she wants to keep in touck with me, she would have to find out the way to do it. In the meantime, I'm moving on.

At this point, I think that if she had said she was in love with me, I would have acted on that, what I feel is so intense that I wouldn't have missed the opportunity. Probably I'm obsessed, but I was curious at the very beginning, it's just that since I decided to tell her I got really anxious, and now she confused me. Anyway, I have to move on, I did what I had to do.

 

mgirl,

Yes,it hurts, tell me about it. Now I'm feeling better, but during last weekend and the beginning of this week I cried a lot, I haven't felt this way since I was a teenager and it feels as if I'm hertbroken for the first time. I'm just grateful for her reaction, and that proves how special she is. Now, if she wants to contact me, she'll find out what to do. Thanks for you reply.

[lifeistravel]

I am bring up a really old post but i really want some help ladies.

my wife (27) revealed that she likes her dance teacher and she is curious about it and asked my opinion what she should do. i believe that if she has feelings or is curious it will be hard to make her forget it but i do not what will happen if she moves on and then she cannot stop.maybe there is a limit that if you cross it our marriage will not be the same again..(??) or maybe already she is there and i am dreaming. she asked me to go and see her teacher and i actually did and i think she is pretty although my wife says she thinks that she is not so feminine..i am really confused. she touched her in front of me and my wife was asking what i think, if it is some kind of indication? i think there is something going on here but really do not know how to react.

i'd appreciate if you can give some tips on what to do. we do not have a baby and i am relieved in a way because i could not stand being in a Ross-like (see Friends situation). i appreciate the fact she told me about it but i do know if i can accept it to see her fulfill her curiosity or explore bi-sexual side? i think it is not bad to fantasize or like strange things but if you are in a marriage or serious relationship there is a certain point and then that's it. i'd really appreciate your thoughts here.thx in advance.

[madi3son]

Lifeistravel...I am a married woman and had those same feelings for a woman. My husband knew partly and only thought it was 'sexual'. I acted upon those 'sexual' feelings and I learned 2 things. One, I had enjoyed it more than I wanted too and developed more feelings for this person I could never be with and two, you can't take back time. I lived in a brief moment of ecstasy and almost ruined my marriage and the lives of my children for simple pleasure. I acted without thinking and am lucky enough to have a husband love me more. Have your wife think thru really what she wants. What happens after, will she want more, will she still want to be with you after??? This changes people and its difficult to understand. I know I felt torn. how could I love my husband and at the same time love a woman. Didn't make sense but it happens. hope this helps

[justsharing]

Hi All,

I am happy that I found this forum. I don't know who else to talk to. I am 37 years old and married, no kids. In April of 2010 I met this girl my age, married with two kids. I was doing a private tutorial with her and after the second tutorial, I realized that I was attracted to her, and later realized she was also attracted to me. None of us had ever had a relationship like this before. We started out just talking a lot over the phone, email, BB and then started having lunch. And the feelings just grew more than we could ever imagine. We've kissed a whole lot. I didnt even know it would feel so good. The first time it was about to happen I told myself, after its done I'm gonna realize how disgusting it was and get back my senses. Instead we just couldn't stop kissing each other. I enjoy kissing her more than I have kissing anyone else. Worrying isnt it! And yes, I do love my husband dearly. We tried making love one evening, but couldnt go through with it. We were afraid that we wouldn't be able to stop once we started. Everything I do with this girl is amazing. We fell deeply in love with each other. When she hugs me it feels like home. She feels just the same about me. One year ago I told my husband about it, well about the kissing and touching and it really hurt him. He forgave me and all but asked me to break off the friendship. I did, for awhile. I didnt realize at the time that I loved her so much. We started communicating again a few months later and have been doing so since then. Just a month ago we had the most incredible time together, just kissing, hugging and holding each other. We decided just today that we are going to try to handle this situation and cut off all communication. Trying to fix our lives and recommit ourselves to the Lord.

Truth is I think I love this girl so much I may not be able to stop loving her. While I can control the physical contact, how do you UNLOVE someone?

[amari]

Hi JUSTSHARING...yes i don't think it's really easy to unlove someone. It's also my dilemma now. I'm 46, single, a bi-curious female. And now I'm in love with a 40-year-old separated woman. But she doesn't know this and I can't tell her because of professional reasons. Funny thing though, when we first met, I hardly noticed her. Then after we met, I had to email her about work (we're not officemates). When she replied, she said that she wanted to know me better because she said she thought I was a nice person When I got that email, I looked back to the pictures of the event where we first met and I realized that she was actually my type of girl---chubby and cute And yup, she's a nice person, too. We've been texting and had lunch once after that. She seems very friendly in her text messages to me, but when I reply sometimes, I can't help but put in a subtle flirting. My heart hurts that I can't tell her what I feel for her. I'm hoping against hope (and praying) that just in case she feels the same way toward me (and that I'm not mistaking her being friendly for something else), that she'd be the one to tell me first how she feels. Because I really can't tell her because if I do and she rejects what I tell her, and if tells it to other people, it will deeply affect my work (and btw, my family doesn't know I'm a bi-curious girl

[Slc42]

I can somewhat relate to your story and have a question for you

I married 40, with one adult child. I have fought off attractions

To other girls/women since I was 12. Coming from a family where

I was told they would soew a penis on me if I didn't start behaving

More lady like and quit being a Tomboy. So I dated a little and married

a man that I got along well with and respected. I did not Love him

the way I knew I should, but was doing what was expected of me.

Through the years I have had crushes on women that were friends

but never acted on anything. Then about a year ago a friend who I had

been VERY attracted to kissed me out of the blue. After she stepped

back I immediately stepped forward pressed her against the wall and

Passionately kissed her back. It's been almost a year now and we kiss

And caress, but she is not ready to go further. She tells me she is in

Love with me, but I always believed if you are in love you want to make love.

This is a secret and will remain that way do to she is in a relationship also

But I would turn my life upside down for her. Please help me understand why

she won't let her guard down and give herself to me. I know she fights with herself

over the bi thing like I did. My heart is breaking for her.