conflicted feelings about gf

[loveunsub]

so i recently took my gf out to an interesting date - paragliding. she saw it on this one show and wanted to try it out. shesaid she had a great time, and wondered how much it had cost me. i never did tell her the price, although i could say that i could have a much better time watching an NBA game at great seats for the same price. when we came back home, i thought her adrenaline would still be rushing, kind of like that one psychology experiment about kissing on a high bridge. i was expecting (probably to my mistake) a more romantic and intimate evening, as i had gotten in the past by taking her to much cheaper dates with not as much excitement. i would like some opinions as to whether i am looking at this the wrong way, or if i should suspect something as we have not been intimate in quite a while (even though we have been stressed from school-related exams since May).

[offplanet]

Her wanting to be intimate or not would have nothing to do with what kind of date you went on or how much it cost you. That's a separate issue altogether.

[nutbrownhare]

Yep, sadly, if we do something for another person in the expectation that they'll respond in a certain way - it's likely to go wrong. For a start, it's manipulative, no matter how good we tell ourselves our intentions are. Ideally, if you go on a date which you think will really appeal to the other person, it should be because you want to see the other person happy. Period. Not because you think it will lead to intimacy; there could be all sorts of reasons why she's not ready for that.

 

Whether or not she is intimate with you has nothing to do with the cost of your date, as offplanet says. And I'm not sure you'd want to be with the sort of person where the two were related... there ARE people whose degree of physical involvement is related to money, and they are professional sex workers.

 

Whether or not you want to continue a relationship with someone who isn't interested in you sexually is another matter. It could be that she senses the unacknowledged bribe, and resents it unconsciously, or it could be that things aren't right between you in other areas. For your own sake - find out. But looking for a return on your 'investment' in dates, with her or anyone else, is likely to leave you disappointed.

 

For a start, if you're really into someone, just going for a walk can be as romantic as the most expensive date in the world.

[Blue_Skirt]

This is exactly the reason why I don’t like expensive gifts, expensive dinners, expensive dates….. Because I get the feeling that I am being “bought” and men expect something in return.

[nutbrownhare]

This is exactly the reason why I don’t like expensive gifts, expensive dinners, expensive dates….. Because I get the feeling that I am being “bought” and men expect something in return.

This ^^^ ... and that includes men that I'd otherwise be happy to be intimate with!

[loveunsub]

This ^^^ ... and that includes men that I'd otherwise be happy to be intimate with!

 

i understand. but what about if she says it was an activity that was supposed to bring us closer together? it feels as if i just drove her shopping or running an errand..."i had fun, thank you, i had a great time" seems pretty generic

[nutbrownhare]

i understand. but what about if she says it was an activity that was supposed to bring us closer together? it feels as if i just drove her shopping or running an errand..."i had fun, thank you, i had a great time" seems pretty generic

Some of my most memorable dates have not been doing flashy or unusual stuff; sometimes it's just being with someone against a beautiful backdrop and spending quality time together. It's the person you're with that makes the difference. If driving her shopping, or running an errand (incidentally, those things can be INCREDIBLY thoughtful, too, depending on the circumstances) means as much to her as a big adventure, what's the problem? Makes it much cheaper for you, for a start!

 

I have an ex long-term partner with whom I'm still great friends. One of my most poignant memories of him was the way that when he got up in the morning, the first thing he'd do would be to go out to the garden to get a dandelion leaf for my hamster. I once heard a story about a young man who asked his new girlfriend to step out into the garden "Because I'd like my roses to see you!" Every woman I've ever related that to has agreed that they'd marry him on the spot!

 

There are women around who are only interested in what they can get, who expect to have large amounts of money lavished on them and will do so in exchange for sex... but is that really what you're looking for?

[Kendahke]

i understand. but what about if she says it was an activity that was supposed to bring us closer together? it feels as if i just drove her shopping or running an errand..."i had fun, thank you, i had a great time" seems pretty generic

 

Her sex/affection/intimacy is hers to give or not give according to HER wishes and HER wishes alone. Not yours, not your bank account's. It isn't a quid pro quo payment because you could have gotten seats at an NBA game, but did this with her instead.

 

Maybe she didn't feel well after doing it; or maybe she sensed that you expected her to put out once you two got back and that's what turned her off...

[Sparklesong]

Maybe the gliding part was too relaxing and you should have gone for parachuting out of a plane or bungee jumping naked?

 

Seriously, though, there's an adrenalin crash that happens about a half hour after a big rush. I've experienced it in other situations and it's like, when the adrenalin wears off, I just want to lay down and take a nap. She may have been experiencing that.

 

Honestly, when you plan an activity with certain expectations, you really are setting yourself up for disappointment. Maybe the "reward" will pay off at a later time?