Life as we know it

[lostandscared5]

Hi Jussie,

I am clueless as to what to say to you at the moment. I could feel my past and past memories yakking on my chain warning me against the heart break that is waiting for me. It is a reminder as to all the hurt and pain that I have gone through because I was willing to give them a chance…..those who was undeserving of my love. Today brought back all of my second thoughts, all of my fears, all of my insecurities, all of my hurts and pains, all of my doubts and everything else that I cannot put into words. It is so painful to know that this is happening to us after two years of going through hell and back. It is unreal to know that what we have are fragile as glass….that it could break and shatter into a thousand pieces in the blink of an eye. It scares me knowing that there are no guarantees to anything. I know that it seemed like I was blowing everything out of proportion today with you but the root of the problem is really important and significant in my eyes. It bothers me a lot to know that smoking is one of your many habits and I really want you to quit. Your ability to take the first baby step to quit smoking shows me that you really are serious into your commitment to me. The fact that you are not doing anything to begin that journey only shows me that you are taking me for granted……..as if I would wait for you to quit no matter what….for as long as it takes. I take your words seriously and I am waiting for you to quit smoking because it is something that you would like to do for yourself but your actions does not back that up. I do not want to put ultimatums on you, to be controlling and manipulative of your words and actions but I do know that I have to put down my foot and say this is what I am willing to deal with and this is what I am not willing to deal with. I need to know that we are in the same boat and you will not always say and do things lightly just to make me happy and then stop doing so. I know that I cannot make you do something that you do not want to do or is not ready to do so because I have been through the same situation. But it is really frustrating to know that I have fought so hard and so much to be with each other and yet we have nothing to show for it. We are not committed to each other and I cannot even say for sure that we will ever get to that point because you are just lagging on quitting the one bad habit that needs to be gotten rid of. I do not want to let history repeat itself and yet I am living in the shadow of that on a daily basis. It scares me so much and so badly whenever it overwhelms me. And I think to myself am I letting history repeat itself when it comes to you? I am fine whenever I am in high spirits and I am confident that you are the best thing that have ever happened to me but….I sink into depression when I think that I am being taken advantage of by you now too and I will never outrun that shadow…that is to be my life. I also value, cherish and appreciate the relationship that we are now sharing with each other and I want to keep it the way it is despite the ups and downs that we have to go through in order to be a part of each other’s lives. I do see how hard we both fight for each other and fight for our commitment and opportunity to be in each other’s lives. I am grateful for all that you have brought into my life and I can never forget all of the ways that you have brought positive changes into my life and I will never easily give up on us. I feel like you are letting the power to control your words and actions slips away from you. Self awareness has been empowering for me and it just helped me to gain more power and control over my life and I just want you to go on this journey with me too with your own life. I get mad and I overreact because I care cuz if I don't I would just let it go. Life for me is getting better and I want yours to get better with mines too.

[lostandscared5]

Hi everyone,

 

Life is like a roller coaster ride and your perspective on your world around you is what matters most. Having a happy life is a choice and a decision in the attitude that you choose. It is much easier for people to live a life without putting any of their focus on the positives of their life and I am guilty of that as well. I do know that self awareness is the first step to making baby steps to the changes that needs to be made in life. I could say with pride that I have made progress into becoming a better and improved person but I have trouble giving myself the credit that I deserve to get. It is so difficult for me to give myself credit for all the stuff that I have done thus far because there are so many more steps that needs to be taken before I could become the person who I would like to become. I have always had trouble balancing out the progress that I have made and all of the changes that awaits me which I have not been able to do yet. I know that I am lucky to have a support group of my own choice that are close to me like a second family who have been through hell and back with me. Yes there might be some limits to what can be discussed and what cannot be discussed but I cannot imagine being apart of a support group just like Jussie has suggested for me. I don't know I know that being in a support group would be a source of help that I need but I don't want to depend and rely on others for things that only I and God could really do and that is to be there all the time. Dear Lord thank you for giving me the support group of my choice and the books that surround my life which enriches my life, thank you for giving me a job, thank you for guiding me to a place where I could honestly and fully say that I know where my troubles lay and what I need to work on. Thank you for guiding me onto the right road of life where I should be on when I have always been on the road that is filled of holes and ditches for me to fall into. Thank you God for giving me my life back piece by piece. I can not thank you enough for giving me the most precious precision of my life.

[lostandscared5]

Hi everyone,

 

Reading has been a moving force in my life and I really am appreciative and grateful for the library for it provides me the opportunity to learn new things and to explore what the rest of the world has to offer. Reading is my ultimate inspiration and motivation and a way to pursue my life in a way which would make life satisfactorily. It adds excitement and color into my life and it gives me a sense of satisfaction that life is about learning and I can learning something new through reading. I do not need the aid or guidance of someone else to help me learn something that would be beneficial to me. I do not need to be talking to someone in my life in order to gain guidance and wisdom that would be beneficial to my life. I have learn to really depend on myself more for self acceptance and self reliance for ways of survival that I must never really been exposed to. With the help and guidance of others close to me I have learnt to identify the issues and conflicts of my life and to decide on the solution needed for me to resolve such a problem. Yes work is overcoming to me and sometimes it feels like I am expected to learn something the first time it has been taught to me and remember how to do the same the thing time and time again. It is difficult to really jolt down messages in a way that should be jolted down and really to get the name of a coworker to be spelt right? I don't really know. Sometimes I feel like I have let my coworkers down because I cannot and could not do what is expected of me in a short period of time and I am taking it so personally. I am burdened down by the huge expense of medical fees that I have no clue how I would be able to afford paying it all off. It is really difficult for me to learn and apply all the new information that I have gained from reading the many books that I have read but it is something that I will never give up on. I refuse to give up and I will struggle to do better with time.

[lostandscared5]

I woke up feeling happiness, light and joy as I charged ahead with my day. I started today looking up medical terms that would help me to do my job better. My day started with laughter and smiles and I walked into work sharing my experience on my way to work. Everything was fine until my coworker gave me an evaluation of my job performance for the last month or so and it plunged my day into darkness. I was told that I am being unproductive at work and that I am wasting all of my time at work, that I am taking too long doing the basic office work in the office that I should not be taking two hours to do the filing and the opening of the mail at work. I felt like I really am slow and stupid and isn’t capable of doing the job that I have at the moment. I just feel like I am not good enough and I will not amount to anything because I am incapable of meeting any of the high expectations that my parents and other people have set for me because I lack attentiveness and I do not think things through before I do them and then I have regrets when things are done and I was told that it would have been better if nothing has been done at all. I have trouble taking down messages, I do not file and open the letters in a timely fashion, that I cannot do anything in a fashionable time. My evaluation was mainly negative and I felt like not only have I let myself and my parents down….I have also let my coworkers down and that is the only thing that is on my mind right now. I know that this evaluation and assessment of my work assessment is supposed to be the added source of support, motivation, inspiration, reflection, and tool for me to fight for what I have and to take a different approach to my life. Happiness is a journey and not a destination. I know that happiness is a decision and that I must focus more of my attention on achieving gratefulness, gratitude and happiness for no reason. Yes life might be hard for me right now because work seems overwhelming to me right now and I might not fit in well into the work life of the outside world because of lack of exposure but I believe that I will be able to feed off of the positive energy of everyone around here and be able to be more of a positive person when things are not going my way. I know that I let my emotions get the most of me too often and that I take things way too personally even though the other person did not mean to do so. I know where my problems are it’s just like I have a lot of trouble trying to fight this off and be the person that I ideally want to become. But at least I am doing a little bit better at noticing the changes that I am and is still consistently making on a daily basis.

[lostandscared5]

Its really hard to apply positive mindset when negativity and toxicity is all i have either known in my life. I waste all of my energy focused on what i dont have n wish i do have that i get blindsided. I cannot see the comforts provided by god n the guardian angels that i hsve been blessed with which i should be grateful for and appreciative have. I am afraid that i have taken all of that for granted. I keep wondering if i have projected my feelings of the desire to be in a relationship on jus or is the feelings real and tangible. I am also afraid of breaking my heart n his as a result of all this if it turns that the feelings n the attraction just isnt there if and when we do meet up. I am so busy spending all of my energy on wondering if somethings wrong with me n beating myself up even as i become aware of the changes n the progress that i have made in life. Sigh.