Girlfriend of three years wanted to move back home and she broke up with me

[Trick1004]

I want to thank everyone on this board for their advice, opinions and support (especially the caveat thread). This has been a huge source of help for me during the little more than three weeks since my girlfriend decided to end it.

 

I guess I want to post my story for those who may need encouragement and support while they go through a similar situation in their own lives and to STRESS that when something like this happens you ABSOLUTELY need to focus on yourself and moving forward with your life without them.

 

So without further ado, what follows is my recent breakup with the girlfriend I was and still am deeply in love with and have been living with for the past three years and I expected to spend many more years with in the future who decided three and a half weeks ago that she didn't love me anymore and was going to move out.

 

I got home from work three Wednesdays ago and my girlfriend let me know that she was going to move back home to her parents. I asked her was it because she didn't want to live and be in this relationship with me anymore and she said ya we just didn't have the magic anymore. She started crying telling me she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore but wanted to keep living with me until our lease was up at the end of the month.

 

I sat there and listened while she said what she had to say in a horrible state of shock. I felt everything I'd done in the past and was planning on doing for her in the future just get ripped out of me. I was able to pat her on the leg and say OK and wandered upstairs in a complete state of shock. I've been through some bad times in the past but this was the most agonizing pain I have ever felt.

 

I sat on the upstairs couch for awhile to try and process what had just happened and of course I wasn't able to. I'm a pretty strong and analytical person, but in moments like those emotions just override everything. I couldn't handle it and proceeded to get drunk (not proud of this). Later that evening I told her there was no way I could handle her staying here with me for the next month and she should probably leave now (her parents live 30 minutes away). I told her I would pick up the rent for the month and she could start clearing her stuff out while I was at work. I haven't seen or talked to her since the night of the breakup.

 

I just got drunk the rest of that week and over the weekend. On Monday when I got home from work there was a note saying she would like to talk. I thought "hooray we can get together and patch things up" and texted her that would be great. Due to our conflicting work schedules we agreed to meet two Wednesdays ago.

 

I proceeded to get through that work week and got blasted drunk again that weekend with a buddy I hadn't been hanging out with in awhile. I was slowly crawling out of my zombie state of mind when we were supposed to meet and talk last week. I was excited the day before but a tiny part of me was screaming at me "don't do it, it's going to reset you back where you were two weeks before." I waffled back and forth the day we were supposed to meet and honestly asked myself if I really wanted to see her and risk the bit of clarity I was beginning to gain over the past 14 days. I decided it wasn't and told her I wasn't ready to see her.

 

So now here I am typing a little over three without seeing or talking to the girl that ripped my heart out. I know everyone has their own situation and that it is one of the worst pains you can ever go through. We have had some contact via emails, texts, and letters mainly due to her slowly moving her stuff out over the past three weeks, but I haven't seen or talked to her since the night of the break or gone begging to her asking for one more chance or any of that nonsense.

 

The best thing you can do after being dumped is accept it, try and look at what went wrong with the relationship and move forward with your life without her. You need to suck it up and accept what happened and start moving on, you existed before the relationship and you're still alive and breathing everyday after it ended. Life will and can move on without that person in your life if you let it and accept it.

 

I wrote a note to her yesterday that I still love and care for her very deeply, but ultimately want her to be happy with whatever path she chooses through life and I hold no ill will or blame towards her. Over the past few days I have realized I have a lot going for me (friends, family, job, hobbies) that I have been neglecting and now can put more energy towards. No one person defines my happiness, only I do and I lost some of that in this relationship.

 

There was a note today from her when I got home from work about how she still loved and cared for me and wanted to see me to talk. Most important she was impressed at how "calm, rational, reflective and kind I'd been during this whole ordeal."

 

Do I want to see her? Yes

 

Am I going to see her? No, I'm not ready for it and truthfully am getting to a better place without her.

 

Will I see her in the future? I think so, but it is going to be on my timeline when it is best for me.

 

The first week and a half or so was absolute hell for me. But you have to pick yourself up, brush it off, move on, and let the chips fall where they may. That is the only answer.

[mhowe]

Exceptional handling of a very difficult situation. Really.

You seem to have found your way back to your emotional core, and it is awesome that you have set boundaries with regard to seeing her until you are ready.

 

Nicely done. Best of luck!

[Trick1004]

Thanks mhowe.

 

It's a tough situation to be in but life can and will move on, if you are willing to let it.

[DN]

Good luck. Sorry you went through this and I think you are right not to see her.

[Trick1004]

Now at the five week mark since our breakup. I still haven't seen or talked to her since that night five weeks ago. The last note she left stated how she still loved and cared for me and would like to meet at some point. I didn't respond to that note and just got back from a week long rafting trip in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of friends (which really helps with NC by the way). I got back tonight with a note saying she had moved all her stuff out and left the key to what used to be our place on the table.

 

At this point I am kind of conflicted. In our previous communication we have kind of left things open ended about what happens next. While I am open to a second shot at this relationship there are things she will have to do for me to try again. I guess the problem is that she said she would wait until I was ready to talk (about what, I'm not sure). I'm kind of feeling that there is a lack of closure of what happened in the relationship and if it is worthwhile pursuing another go with each other.

 

I've told her through written notes where I stand, but I don't feel it has been reciprocated from her. She wants to meet in person to talk and I don't think I am comfortable yet (though getting closer) without more info of where she stands. I'm wondering if an email at this point is appropriate to try and get more info out of her or if I should just stick with NC for the time being?

[mhowe]

Nope -- don't do it. You have clearly stated your position --- and she has not.

 

Stay with NC until you can honestly tell yourself you don't care about the outcome. Five weeks is too soon.

 

Take another trip --- continue to clear the mind.

[Trick1004]

Thanks for the advice, I was kind of leaning that way until tonight when I found out she has been with another man a couple of days ago. It hit me bad for about an hour until I realized that it doesn't mean anything about me or us (which for the time being is over). I knew what she was like before we got together (we were neighbors in the same apartment complex when we got together four years ago) and expected after the breakup it wouldn't take her long to get with another man.

 

Funny thing is having expected it and having it happen lowers her so much more in my mind. I've always been able to process things faster than most people and this just kind of finishes it for me. I still love her and care about her, but her recent actions just cheapens her for me.

 

I did send her an email tonight about how I was out of town and appreciated the last note she left. I still want to see and talk to her at some point but not until I'm ready to be objective about what happened and am open to whatever happens next with no expectations.

 

But really at this point, I'm going to sit it out and get on with living my life until I am and good and done with her, maybe at that point we can meet but I don't think anything will come of it, she has shown an unwillingness to admit any fault or recognition of anything I have done for her in the past (which was tons).

 

Anyway, I've lost a lot of the respect I had for her and this is going to make moving on that much easier.

 

Trick