Just venting...again

[trishcollins]

Well, it's now almost 5 months since our breakup, 4.5 months since we last saw each other, 3.5 months since we last talked on the phone, and 1.5 months since we exchanged emails. I initated all contact, as well as N/C.

 

I am doing okay -- not the soppy, horrible mess I was even two months ago, but I am still sad, and now I find I am starting to have minor anxiety attacks when I think about him with someone else. I know that he isn't and won't be for a long time, but still, it is inevitable I suppose. What makes it the hardest is that we didn't split because he didn't love me, but it was all circumstancial, and has his daughter not been so against her father in a new relationship, we would still be together today.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to let people know, it does get easier, but there will always be something that pulls you back down. It is however, easier to get up each time, and recover. I have to deal with him on a business issue, and I hope we can do it all by email and fax, as I really don't want to see him right now. I know I am not strong enough not to cry or to express my feelings and upset him in some way. I don't want to do that. I want to maintain control and keep my emotions in check.

 

The only way I want to ever see him face to face is when he is down on one knee proposing, otherwise, I just can't handle watching him walk out of my life again.

 

I am going away at Christmas and still plan to send the letter my cousellor recommended. I will slip it in the post the day I board the plane. He will have three weeks to mull it over and do something about it. If he does nothing about it, at least nothing that involves contacting me, then I am done. I will close that door completely and move forward.

 

I know I should do that now, but there is part of me that has not yet given up hope. I think once he reads the letter, and knows that I don't blame him, and that I was glad for our time together, if he cannot come back with at least something to give me hope, then he never will.

 

Just thought I would vent and update at the same time.

[Marketa]

Trish,

I know where your at. Mine has a child too and moved in with the child and mum after he tought his child was seeing things he couldnt prevent, his ex has various children from all different fathers and he was scared his child would grow to think that was a normal way of life. Anyway I read your letter and thought that if he really realized he what he has lsot he would have tried to come back. I know its hard. I feel the same way but we deserve more.

 

Sending the letter is hard because now you are rehashing the feelings you had months ago and setting yourself up for the rejection if he doesnt respond after all the nice things you said about him. For closure you should write the letter and burn it, if you want send a holiday greeting do so and if he responds with a holiday greeting maybe then reconsider sending the letter but if not the burn and weeks away will be closure. I believe you are opening yourself up for pain if the letter doesnt get the response you desire. many times people with children put their enegry into their I know as I have one and have put a lot more time in to help with my feelings of loss but is is also a way for people to distract them selves.

 

My ex calls me and I am okay because I accept that it is not meant to be. dont get me wrong it hurts and I always dreamed of having a family with him but and I am not totally over it but I can say that once you stop putting all the feelers out and start accepting then you will feel better and if they realize they made a mistake they will be the ones offering a recontact.

 

As for the anxeity have you concidered medication or xanax to help you. I have taken xanax on occasion when the pain seemed unbearable and it helped. Aslo medication with counseling is good because it doesnt have to be long term just until you start feeling better.

 

Please write and let me know what you think.

 

Marketa

 

When one door closes another one opens but sometimes it hard to see when you are standing in the hallway.

[trishcollins]

Thanks Marketa,

 

The whole parent-child thing makes it very hard. I don't have any of my own children of my own, and never will, but I still understand where a parent's loyalties should lie. In fact, when I met my ex through the 'net, my profile said "no Disney dads" and I had to explain to him what that meant. As a widower, he is a full-time dad, so it's not like he only had them every-other weekend, and I am not sure I would want to be with someone who only saw their kids twice a month. I always think it's unfair to the children not to spend more time with both their parents.

 

Anyway, I hear what your are saying on the "burn the letter" thing, and believe me, a month ago, before my couselling session (I have gone on and off to see her for the last four years), I never would have even written the letter. My stance was strictly to remain N/C forever. However, she could see just how much I love him (unconditionally) and explained to me that he needs help and perhaps I could help him. She also said what I would be doing would be strictly for him, not for me, and that it has to come from my heart, not out of fear, and I should have no expectations, I should not mention missing him or feeling bad.

 

Of course I do love him and I do want to help him, but there is still part of me that holds out the romantic idea that he will read this and realize what a mistake he has made, and that somehow we can get through this. However, my expectation is that he will do nothing, so at least I won't be disappointed. He has yet to even acknowledge the problem (not grieving for his wife and rushing right into a new relationship) and until he does, there isn't much anyone can do. If this letter somehow helps him move forward, than at least I can feel I have done something to help.

 

For me, the letter will be the final act of closing the door, and for him, hopefully a way to move forward. I would be a real fool to think it would send him running back into my arms. I know that won't happen.

 

As for the drugs, I try to avoid them. I know they work for some (my sister was a XANAX user), but because this situation does not interfere with my ability to cope at work and at home, and I content to continue the way I am. The anxiety I refer to is very minor, and is more an expression than a physical state. Besides, I know that these drugs are for chemical imbalances, and if you dont have one, it can screw you up more. I am simply sad and need to go through the grieving process. 7 years ago I tried Prozac, and it made me crazy after three weeks. My now cousellor is not a big proponent of drug-based therapy (she is also an RN) and would only give them to me if she felt that it would benefit me.

 

I will keep everyone posted on what happens, but I suspect nothing will happen at all.

[ladyc]

Trish, I just wanted to tell you that I always read your posts with interest. I've followed your story... our situations aren't really similar but yet I feel I can relate to your feelings and your perspectives. I haven't responded before simply because I don't really have advice to offer...you seem to have wisdom and insight into your own situation. Keep us updated, and I wish you the best.

[trishcollins]

Thanks ladyc!

[trishcollins]

Well, we did our little "business" email exchange. He was completely cold and callous. Never asked how I was, never asked about the trial outcome, never asked anything. Just answered my one question concerning the "our" house, which finally sold and provided me with the mailing address I requested for a mutual friend. That's it. I think my monitor started to frost over when I opened his email

 

It was both a good and bad experience. Good in the sense that it finally shows me that he hasn't changed one bit in 5 months. If he had, he might have asked about me. I know he is afraid to keep giving me any false hope, which is why he remains so removed. That fact in itself tells me nothing has changed. The fact that he is so concerned about leading me on in any way, or that he feels I cannot be trusted to act appropriately in response to anything he asks, just makes me angry, and in a huge way, has helped me realize that this is never going to change. That "he" is never going to change. I don't need to change. I am fine the way I am. It's got to come from him, and I don't see him budging a single inch.

 

It was like exchanging emails with a complete stranger. I am now really concerned about sending the letter my counseller seems to think will help him. I am seeing her on Thurs to review it and discuss. I am not sure it would do anyone any good at this point. It's obvious he is in total denial with the blinders on. He isn't facing his situation and dealing with it at all, he is simply putting his head in the sand. I am so frustrated that he isn't even making an effort to resolve any of his issues. I never thought he would behave this way. I guess you never really know anyone as much as you think you do.

[Foz]

Trish,

i am so sorry that you are hurt by the tone of his email, maybe just maybe he is trying to respect your wish for NC and is just keeping it formal. It was a business email so maybe he was being all business like??Maybe he is responding in the same tone that you wrote to him??

Men are usually crap at expressing themselves through the medium of email anyway!!

maybe i should be encouraging you to think screw him but i think a part of me wants you to send the letter to him and see what happens..of course im hoping that he will come back to you once he reads the letter because it is such a beautiful letter..

Im not really helping you move on here am i??

Anyway keep me posted, you have been a great friend to me these past few months and i really appreciate your kind words and wisdom!

Foz

[trishcollins]

Thanks so much Foz for your kind words, they are always appreciated. I guess we are all romantics at heart, otherwise we wouldn't be here.

 

Yes, I think he is not the cold, callous person I made him out to be in my post, but just trying to keep his distance and not upset me. I am sure he knows had he asked me how I was, he would have gotten an earful.

 

Anyway, I will likely send him the letter. I guess I was just feeling frustrated this morning. He is a good man, that really hasn't changed.

 

I'll keep you posted. BTW, how are you doing? Do you have a new apartment yet?

[Foz]

Yeah im such a romantic..i think your ex probably was just respecting your wish for nc and responding using the business like tone you had used..Lets not demonise him completely..YET anyway..if he doesnt respond to your letter then we will demonise him..

 

Found a new apartment today!!

I had a very down day yesterday but i went to counselling and it helped, she said im finding it extra hard because my friends just havent been supporting me which is true. This forum has been my support network but my so called friends didnt care, they were all too wrapped up in their own lives to even bother seeing if i was ok..

So its the loneliness that is getting to me..anyway the big move out is on the 1st of December so hopefully things will start to change for me then, at least i will be living with people again so that will be company for me..

[trishcollins]

Foz, that is AWESOME. A change like that can really do wonders for you, especially now that you are moving in with new people. Are they people you already know or are they new friends?

 

As for your friends, don't be too hard on them. I know that a some point, many of my friends tune out because they get tired of hearing it over and over again. They give me advice, I don't take it and then ask for more.

 

It's much easier to comiserate with a fellow dumpee. I just happen to have a very good friend who was dumped at the same time I was, so we get together and compare our situations alot. I am not even sure we are really listening to each other, but at least we are in the same boat.

 

My other friends, who are mostly in relationships, are too busy with their own lives to offer more than an occasional shoulder to cry on, before they go home to deal with their own crissis de jour. I know there comes a point to, when even I get tired of hearing myself talk about it.

 

I think that's why we have counsellers, so they HAVE to at least pretend they are giving us their undivided attention

[Foz]

Hey trish,

my new flat mate is a guy ive known for years, im a bit apprehensive about moving as i guess it's another reality bite that the relationship is well and truly over and i am closing a chapter of my life.

 

As for my friends, well i guess i have found out who my true friends are and to be honest alot of them could have made a better effort. I give so much to my friends, i believe in loyalty above all else, and well when i needed them i got very little back. I needed them to be there for me and they were not and that hurt and to be honest i didnt need any more hurt or rejection in my life.

 

Ah well, life is tough!

[trishcollins]

Yes, when you go through something like this, it really does show you who your true friends are.

 

Sounds like you need some new ones.