Bummed Out

[blacksanta]

Hi, I just found this place today, and I'm glad I did. Let's see, I've known my ex for 7 years. We've been committed 3 times, the last time being over two years ago. Every time she broke it off. We have never fought. Every time she dumped me it was extremely traumatic for me. I was and am very much in love with her. We've always maintained limited contact. The last time we broke up I was devastated and broke off all contact for about a year. Eventually we would meet up once in a blue moon for some coffee and we began writing e-mails. A couple months ago we slept together. It was fun and it was understood that we were not committed. We had a few more nights of fun over the past month or so. Today she told me that she was getting confused over boundaries and that we should not sleep together anymore. She apologized for not being able to provide me with tons of fun, but she has to face her problem with being lonely. Problem is, I can't separate friendship from everything else with her. The reason that I broke off contact for a long time is that I'm too bloody attracted to whole the package. I'm not going to slit my wrists over this, as there was not a commitment, but I'm nervous about trying to be only friends. I'm not sure that I can. I tried to explain this to her and she seemed to be miffed. I had no illusions of this turning back into a relationship but at the same time for some reason I feel....used? Any advice? What's the problem?

[arwen]

Oh, I know exactly how you feel. I had a long term relationship with my first love, and we split up twice... after the third time, we started sleeping together again, but he didn't want to commit. It's a long story, and 2 years ago, but this year finally I found out that he used me to get over a girl that he now finally has a relationship with.

 

So, of course you feel used. You cannot force expectations. Deep down you had hope to get back together, or am I wrong?

 

It wasn't just sex to you. And it wasn't for her, otherwise she wouldn't have a problem with it. But she's no good for you. She is confusing you and you need to have the space to move on and find someone that will commit to you.

 

Just be happy that she broke it off in an early stage. I am sorry you feel this way, but believe me that it won't last forever.

 

Ilse.

[blacksanta]

Thanks Ilse. I'm meeting her tomorrow for dinner and studying. I think I have to be honest with her and myself. I need to go back to limited contact, in the sense that it is a policy of mine that if one is in trouble I'm always available. What might make it hard is the fact that we live less than a mile away and we both go to the same college. What I hope to try to make her understand is that I have no ability to be strictly platonic with her. It is also the case that I really have not had an opportunity to truly get over her.

 

Here is a post from my website following a list of thank you's to people I care about. I wrote it last night. I'm trying to make sense of what is happening in my life right now, and I think there is a connection between what I wrote above and below.

 

The reason for writing this is because I have something I need to get off of my chest. I am an alcoholic. Since I turned 21, I have slowly beome

addicted to alcohol. This is not good.

 

I have been working since my Senior year of High School full-time (except that s***y last year at Target when the hours were slashed). Since 2001 I have been going to College on average full-time with the exception of my first 3 quarters and and Spring, Summer, and Fall of 2003. I am not ****ing about this, as I feel blessed with the opportunity to go to school, which many deserving people don't have the chance to do.

 

This kind of schedule has the downside of throwing your life out of balance. I've always been an only child at heart, I have never needed a huge social web in my life. The problem, however, is that with this 80 hour a week life is that there is no balance, no moderation, no stopping to breathe in the roses and enjoy life. The other problem is that this type of life pattern becomes very isolating and lonely. This isn't because everybody else has a different schedule, it's because I have so little free time for anything else other than work or school or sleep.

 

Alcohol became a quick fix for relaxation, but instead it has turned into a problem for me. This could be something that just slowly fades away once I take a break from school for a year or two, and I do not plan working at all for the 1st year of law school (impossible anyway). That I won't know until I graduate this Spring.

 

I'm fine after a couple of drinks, but my problem is that once I start I don't stop. This has lead to blackouts. This lead to a DUII. This is leading to potential health problems. This has lead to people I love and care about to be worried about me. This has caused me to lose my ability to drive for a year which I only really need to do in order to see my son. This has caused anger from some people. This has caused me the embaressment of saying stupid **** and doing stupid ****. This has caused me worry that during the times that I cannot remember I may have said or done stupid ****.

 

I don't know whether what I am experiencing is true addiction, or an escape hatch gone awry from my currently stressful life. For my diversion agreement I am pledging to abstain for a period of 90 days. I am going to do my best to honor that and to see whether I really am addicted, whether I just can't handle booze, or whether its my extreme lifestyle. I'm not writing this for sympathy, or pity. I know millions of people have gone through having to support a child at a young age, go to school and work full time, etc. I'm writing this to get it off of my chest and present to the people that I love and care about, because I have to get it out there and with this there is no way of hiding it from myself any longer.