Question for the women.....

[Snarfnaj]

Why is it that girls after breaking up still call or try to establish contact, even though everything has been said and a friendship after the breakup isn't possible because of strong romantic feelings. My girl broke up with me 2 months ago and she would like to be friends even though I've indicated I can't right now. Still too many emotions. Any ideas??

 

Thanks,

 

JF

[Emotional]

we run on our emotions and with a person who meant so much to u Breaks up all of sudon then the urge to hangout and spend time is always 2nd in our mind. I really don't have an actual answer ; but yeah thats that...

[shes2smart]

You will run into this for as long as you are dating/having relationships and break-ups with people. It's not strictly something just women or just men do.

 

Some people genuinely want to "be friends" after a break up. Some people will say they want to "be friends" after a break up.

 

Never understood either of these camps. Consequently, there is one and only one of my exes I've kept in touch with....and even with him, there was a good 6 to 12 months of absolutely no conctact before we could be friendly.

 

A few possible theories:

 

>Some sort of attempt to keep what were the good parts of their interaction with an ex.

 

>It's a way to make themselves feel they are a "nice" person

 

>It's more tactful and or socially acceptable than saying "I don't ever want to see you or hear from you again"....although saying that is probably more honest a lot of times.

 

>It's a way to psychologically ease into the idea of being single again....sort of a tapering off into being single rather than an abrupt change

 

>They may feel they've been through so much with their ex that they can't see not having them in their life in some way, shape or form

 

>If the break up is fairly amicable (i.e. there was no cheating, no ongoing fights, no huge disagreements, just people growing apart) it may just be the relationship evolving to a friendship

 

Anyone else got any others?

 

My pattern, with one exception, has always been this: I put up with a lot of crap....I give 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. chances....but when I'm done, I'm done and they are out of my life permanently. If they try to get in touch with me down the road (and most of my exes have) they are questioned as to what they want...thus far, it's never been anything seriously important...and then they are politely but very firmly reminded that they are no longer a part of my life and that's not going to change.

[sisterlynch]

I think that women lose their emotional attachment more slowly than men do. men can seem to forget their feelings for people on a superficial level quicker than women can.

 

I sense that for men tho the feelings are still there for them, they just aren't aware of their feelings all the time like women are...

[cheerfuldaisy]

She wants to proof to herself that she is friendly and still wants to maintain friendship.

[Vanilla]

women are naturally compassionate. while men dump a girl and move on to the next (some women do this too)...we usually feel compassion if we hurt someone we really loved at one point or another. i know because when i broke up with my ex of 1.6 yrs he was suffering so much and i just wanted to be his friend and let him know i still loved him even though i wasnt in love with him. he avoided me for 6 mos and now we're best of friends

[RayKay]

Oops, this got posted in wrong spot! Sorry

[nexus532]

i think girls do this because they still need to fill thier emotional block. even though they may have still found someone else they need someone that they know to be there for them. Think of it like this, every ex boyfirend is like a phychiatrists to their old girlfriend. She still needs someone to understand where she is coming from.

[Snarfnaj]

Thanks everyone!

 

Sister Lynch, if that is the case, why am I the one left with the shattered world while she's living it up? I have loved deeply and it will take me a while to get her out of my heart, 'cause that's where she is today after a sudden, unforeseen break up, with nothing leading up to it. No fights, no tension, just one of the two changing her mind.

 

The best that I came up with.......subconscious powertrip! Knowing that your ex still loves you that much, knowing that he tries to move on and that that only can be done with no contact. A phone call is a quick way to check up to see if the person's still there. Keeping somebody on the back burner, a way out if you will. Any thoughts on that?

[sisterlynch]

If she is bugging you for attention and you can't go back to her then you need to tell her gently not to contact you for a while, and you need a break or you can't handle talking with her right now. She should understand or if she doesn't tell her that she is being insensitive to your feelings.

 

The best thing to do is to be honest with your feelings. If you sit there and listen to her day and don't respond, then she will say that you are being rude, right...just tell her that you are busy and don't call her back or call her and then say that you need to go walk the dog or something...you can lie a little -- under such circumstances.

 

 

Eventually tell her that she needs to find another outlet for her feelings. Like running or eating healthy instead of talking to the ex...does that make better sense?

[gersanos]

They do it for attention - to keep up with your new life to make sure you're not happier. Keep you hanging around until they have completely let go of you, then you never hear of them again. They do it so they ween you out completely. Break-up with you, and want to keep you around so they can never miss you, feel like they are not bad people because they offered friendship, and lessen any guilt that they may have. And false hope. Thinking that if you agree to friends and stay in her life, that she will see her mistake and come back to you. Fat chance. The odds of something like that happening are very slim.

 

Personal psychiatrist? I don't think so. She can get that from the friends she had before she met you, her family, and plenty of new people she will meet down the road. Only once did I get the friends line, and I told her it's over completely. Her reaction - she threw a fit like you wouldn't believe. Why? Because she doesn't like the fact that she still has control over me. Probably also so she feels better about herself since she offered friendship, and that she can slowly get over the rest of me. I told her she will make plenty of friends in life, and good bye. I told her an X is an X for a reason, she said no, this is different between us. Umm, how so? Even if she was genuine, I don't settle for scraps from someone, unless it was a mutual break-up. It's a matter of self-respect. I don't date girls with the hopes of getting a friendship out of it in the end. I have plenty of friends in my life, and will make plenty more throughout life. The same goes for the other party.

 

Whether I end it with a girl, or she ends it with me, there is nothing that exists afterwards between us, unless we both come back to give the relationship another shot. That chapter of my life has closed. I take my experience and memories from it and move forward.

 

The very last thing I would want from a girl if she broke up with me is to be there for me as a friend so she can help me get over her. That is not compassion. That is cruelty. It is only false hope, and delays, if not make worse, the healing process for the other party.

 

I told the girl that wanted to be friends with me to stay out of my life completely. She has complied. If she really wanted to be with me still, she would have called me. She hasn't. The friends line is a way for it to be more socially acceptable. I say you let the truth out, which is I never want to see you again. Suger coating it makes it worse. Truth hurts, but it sets you free.

 

Now about rude if you don't talk with her. How is that rude? Sure we were together at one point, but that is over. If you feel the need to say hi, or talk, then feel free. But there is nothing wrong with ignoring the other person. If the other party takes it as being rude, then maybe they should stop being so selfish, self-centered and self-seeking on the matter. If the person wants to ignore them, then they have a very good reason for doing that (they were hurt, screwed over, or just dont care). Take a step out of yourself and look it at from the other perspective.

 

I know this sounds like I just kick her to the curb, but it is for the best. I don't find it as being cynical, but the brutal truth. Only if both parties have considerable time apart from each other, can they one day be friends. And most of the time when you get to that point, you really don't care.

 

I have no ex's as friends. Neither party makes an effort to call afterwards. I am civil when I see them, and maybe I'll chat with them for a few minutes to catch up. Do I really care what they are up to in their lives? Honestly, no. I wish them the best, but I am not a part of their life anymore.

[sisterlynch]

Ignoring someone that you have had a relationship is rude. How can you say that it isn't?

[gersanos]

It depends on how things ended. In my case with the girl that wanted to be friends with me still, I have ignored her completely and told her to stay out of my life. With others I rarely ever see them, and when I do we catch up. Nothing serious. We bump into each other on the street or at a party. I don't go out of my way to see them, and we don't keep in contact over the phone or anything.

 

I still see the girl that offered friendship to me constantly, we go to school together. My justification for ignoring her and banishing her from my life: within 2.5 weeks I had found out my father may lose his job, I move back home to help parents financially so they don't have to pay for my apartment lease at college (this was very last minute change of living situation), this now forces me to commute for 3 hours a day to and from college but something I must sacrifice for my family, I then had borrowed my mom's car and left it overnite by her place when I crashed there and it was broken into with everything inside stolen, school then starts up, 2 days later my own car is stolen, my brother then leaves the country for a year, and then she says she wants to be friends, even though she was not supportive in my life in those 2.5 weeks, and i talked with her about breaking up b/c I was pushing her away from me since she was not there for me, but she said that she is willing to work on things. A week after I talked to her about this, how im thinking about ending it, but I don't want to do that and I'll get over this stuff (I was honest and communicating as any healthy relationship should) she breaks up with me. Here I am compromising and putting forth effort into us, while dealing with all this other stuff going on in my life, and she just leads me on.

 

Maybe all those events freaked her out, but you know what, that's a ton of stuff to go through in 2.5 weeks. I called her up after 2 weeks and told her to stop telling people that "oh, I tried to be friends with him." I told her she's not a friend. Friends are there for one another. She then told me how she wasn't honest with me by telling me some things that were going on in her mind before we started school (she felt like we were spending too much time together). I felt like the whole "i'm willing to work on it" was just a way of stringing me along. I was not sad when we ended things, but very angry. I felt betrayed by someone that I cared for, loved, and considered a very good friend.

 

I agree that if I am man enough to sleep with a girl, then I am man enough to speak with her. But in this case, I refuse to even be civil when I see her, I just ignore her. It is a matter of principle. I got burned, and I got over her, but I truly feel that she owes me an apology. I treated her great, and she even told me this when I called her, that I did nothing wrong, but said things were different now and she didnt care anymore. I respect her decision. I can't change that or force things otherwise. But don't claim to me that we are such good friends and all. Actions speak louder than words - and there was a complete contradiction in that department for her.

 

Could be that she was hurt by me. Could be that she got freaked out by all that was going on in my life. Could be she doesn't care about me. Who knows. She never apologized, never contacted me. I got the impression she does not care about me. Even when I see her now, shes always looking over at me. I just look at her, and then turn away. If she wanted to speak with me, she would. I am not going up to her to speak with her. I just walk on by, and I see her smiling and constantly looking at me. Who knows what she's thinking. If it's attention she's looking for, then sorry, this is the wrong place to get it from - I am done with you completely.