lovelostlady Posted November 20, 2004 Share Posted November 20, 2004 feeling really lonely and hopeless right now. its weird but spending time with my parents is like the only thing I want to do lately. they make me feel the best of anyone. i guess because they're the one thing in my life i know i will always be able to depend on, no matter what. my friends have been great too. I did go out for a bit for sushi with some friends. but I just feel so completely disconnected from everyone. it only makes me appreciate more the connection he and I had. it was undeniable. he made my life so unbelievably happy. I hate to say that I have been so dependent on one person for happiness. but its just having that sort of love and connection with a person. it makes life feel so beautiful. it is a blessing. he and I were friends for a little over a year before we began our relationship. so he was a best friend that became more. I think that makes it even harder to lose. I try my hardest to keep myself busy. but my mind begins to wander. i over analyze ever situation i had with him over the best month. what I should have done different. then i tell myself again and again the truth, which is that this doesnt have to do with me. it is him. it is his issues, his need for space, his feeling of inability to give more. i have been nothing but good to him. he knows the love I have for him. deep down, i know that when he said that his love for me hasnt changed, i knew he was speaking from his heart. its hard not to think about him, because he is everywhere. all over my cd collection. it seems like every single cd i pop in has a memory of him attached. so many mixed cds from him. my pictures. so many pictures. so many drawings that hes made me. then i look through my emails like an idiot. emails from him just a month ago that are so damn adorable that I begin to cry once again. I have no idea whether it is the last chapter for us. but i can not live my life under the assumption that he will come crawling back (even though i want it more than anything right now). i have no idea what the future holds. the best thing i can do is expect nothing, then whatever happens will be a pleasant surprise. and when i work with him, i have to keep my head up, and be the same person he has known for three years. i have to be me. not this little ball of emotion that i have been for the past three weeks. I just want to be me, again. i want to smile and laugh. its only been 11 days. im working on it. he is out of town right now, so i dont have to worry about working with him all weekend, which i guess is a good thing. before i left work the other night i said "be careful driving. call me when you get back," just sorta nonchalantly, it came out. he said ok. i just wanted to show him, no hard feelings. I know him, and I know he is feeling utter guilt and thinks that I want nothing to do with him after this, so I wanted to show him that that wasnt so. when he calls, and im fairly certain he will, i will keep it short and just like "glad you had fun" yada yada, "see you at work wednesday". ive almost considered not answering when he calls. but i really hate playing games, and I feel that is just mean. anyways. really just needed to get some stuff out. anyone else sharing any of my feelings right now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReadyorNot Posted November 20, 2004 Share Posted November 20, 2004 Im sort of on a break.. or a breakup... not sure... he is telling me he wants to see where things go, and that he really would love to grow old with me but he isnt sure if we should.. .anyway... All I want to do is hang around home too... not really to be with my mom since she makes things worse.. but its just something in me.. its not that I am waiting for him to call... before it would have been..but I know this time he wont.. or he will call only a certain times.. It just seems to hurt worse to go out... I like to be home... I guess some people are like this.. I WISH I could just go out and party and go to bars with friends... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovelostlady Posted November 20, 2004 Author Share Posted November 20, 2004 i know. sometimes I feel bad going out, because i just feel like im forcing a smile. and i feel like i may bring other people down if im too mopey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReadyorNot Posted November 20, 2004 Share Posted November 20, 2004 exactly.. but you cant help being mopey... its like you want to throw up and smack yourself if you force yourself to smile... I understand... I cant help being the way I am.. I have to force being cheerful at my job... and it makes me feel worse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lillady898 Posted November 20, 2004 Share Posted November 20, 2004 This is interesting because I'm the exact opposite during a break up. I want to be around a ton of people after a break up. I get very social and am actually pretty enjoyable to be around. I think it's because I want to feel worthy to SOMEONE after a relationship is over, so I go out searching for someone to make me feel that way. That's my theory. Who knows, it may be wrong. It is 1:30 am. I'm so sorry for what is going on to both of you. I know how much it hurts, and I wish nobody had to go through heartbreaks like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReadyorNot Posted November 20, 2004 Share Posted November 20, 2004 I'm so sorry for what is going on to both of you. I know how much it hurts, and I wish nobody had to go through heartbreaks like this. Me too..as upset and unloved I am feeling I also feel like someone as special as I am shouldnt be going through this heartache.... I hate myself but I do recognize that I am a very special person.. at least to someone somewhere.... AND someone who loves me as much as he still says he does, shouldnt be putting me through this.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southpaw Posted November 20, 2004 Share Posted November 20, 2004 Your posts interested me because I have been experiencing a similar situation. I recently ended a three and a half year long relationship. While I officially ended it, he basically put me in a position where I could not remain in the relationship and maintain any dignity. The strange thing is that we had a wonderful, scandal-less, healthy relationship up until the end. Without going into the long specifics of my history, he ultimately said that he couldn't see us getting married. I've experienced and felt many of the emotions that you've expressed in your various postings. I heartily agree with the advice that many other people have given you, don't call him. You really need time to heal from the relationship and that entails a lot of feeling bad and possibly hanging out with your parents and friends. Try not to keep tabs on what he's doing and with whom he's doing things. It will only delay your growth. The other thing you will want to avoid is hopping into another relationship and transferring your feelings to the next guy. One thing that has really helped me is the knowledge that my break up is not unique and that I don't want to waste my time chasing some guy around that doesn't want to be with me. As a default serial monogamist, I can tell you that confused guys that can't make up their minds about how they feel about you, quickly lose their charm. Your ex sounds a bit like a guy I dated in high school and college, he was my first love too. The good news is that you'll probably be careful the next time around about dating the emotionally uncertain types. Anyway, good luck and keep me posted...do your parents, friends and yourself proud and cut him off... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReadyorNot Posted November 20, 2004 Share Posted November 20, 2004 SouthPaw, are you talking to me or the original poster of this thread? Maybe both of us... its late.. sorry! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southpaw Posted November 20, 2004 Share Posted November 20, 2004 to the person that started this topic...lostladylove or something like that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
popo Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 lovelostlady, i spent most of my days at home also after the break up so i can cry whenever i want. it hurted me a lot. i only went out with friends to whom i could share my story. i called my friend for hours. sleptover my friend's house so i could talk about me being dumped till i had enough of it. but time help me to heal and now, i talk less about my ex. i can feel that i become stronger than before, that i can now control my emotion. it's been 3 months and i'm still working on it. i know i'll get better and better each day. it takes time but i know i can get through it. so can u. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
atlas Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 Hi, my ex just broke up with me on tuesday and I too can't seem to find out what will take the pain away. I sit here and feel mementarily better talking to people only to slump back into this depression. We are all in the same boat. It is good though that he is gone, and you know he is gone and there is no way for you to see him, for a week. I would only answer the phone call if you new you weren't going to be too sad by it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hoolio Posted November 21, 2004 Share Posted November 21, 2004 the same thing has happened to me, im not sure what she wants, she says she wants to be friends again... but i never asked her out.. so werent we friends all along? all my friends tell me shell come back in a week or 2, and her friends say shes jsut insecure and confused, meanwhile i only feel fine when theres someone to talk to, i have so many friends to talk to but all of a sudden it seems that they are nowhere to be found... today was the longest day of my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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