lovelostlady Posted November 20, 2004 Share Posted November 20, 2004 feeling really lonely and hopeless right now. its weird but spending time with my parents is like the only thing I want to do lately. they make me feel the best of anyone. i guess because they're the one thing in my life i know i will always be able to depend on, no matter what. my friends have been great too. I did go out for a bit for sushi with some friends. but I just feel so completely disconnected from everyone. it only makes me appreciate more the connection he and I had. it was undeniable. he made my life so unbelievably happy. I hate to say that I have been so dependent on one person for happiness. but its just having that sort of love and connection with a person. it makes life feel so beautiful. it is a blessing. he and I were friends for a little over a year before we began our relationship. so he was a best friend that became more. I think that makes it even harder to lose. I try my hardest to keep myself busy. but my mind begins to wander. i over analyze ever situation i had with him over the best month. what I should have done different. then i tell myself again and again the truth, which is that this doesnt have to do with me. it is him. it is his issues, his need for space, his feeling of inability to give more. i have been nothing but good to him. he knows the love I have for him. deep down, i know that when he said that his love for me hasnt changed, i knew he was speaking from his heart. its hard not to think about him, because he is everywhere. all over my cd collection. it seems like every single cd i pop in has a memory of him attached. so many mixed cds from him. my pictures. so many pictures. so many drawings that hes made me. then i look through my emails like an idiot. emails from him just a month ago that are so damn adorable that I begin to cry once again. I have no idea whether it is the last chapter for us. but i can not live my life under the assumption that he will come crawling back (even though i want it more than anything right now). i have no idea what the future holds. the best thing i can do is expect nothing, then whatever happens will be a pleasant surprise. and when i work with him, i have to keep my head up, and be the same person he has known for three years. i have to be me. not this little ball of emotion that i have been for the past three weeks. I just want to be me, again. i want to smile and laugh. its only been 11 days. im working on it. he is out of town right now, so i dont have to worry about working with him all weekend, which i guess is a good thing. before i left work the other night i said "be careful driving. call me when you get back," just sorta nonchalantly, it came out. he said ok. i just wanted to show him, no hard feelings. I know him, and I know he is feeling utter guilt and thinks that I want nothing to do with him after this, so I wanted to show him that that wasnt so. when he calls, and im fairly certain he will, i will keep it short and just like "glad you had fun" yada yada, "see you at work wednesday". ive almost considered not answering when he calls. but i really hate playing games, and I feel that is just mean. anyways. really just needed to get some stuff out. anyone else sharing any of my feelings right now? Quote Link to comment
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