Mature woman in relationship w/ not-so-mature man

[LADYBUG691971]

Here is my delima: I am very much in love with this man. He is 32, I am 33. I was once married for 9 1/2 years, have 3 children and have ALWAYS been faithful-to my ex and to anyone I have dated. He has been married, is actually still married, but has been separated for 2 1/2 years. He has one child.

 

He admittantly has NEVER been faithful to his wife, nor anyone that he has ever dated. Even the girl he dated and loved for 6 years. He says that this is a VERY different relationship for him in the way that he has no desire to be with anyone else. And I do believe him. He has given me no reason what-so-ever to doubt him or distrust him.

 

Our problem lies in his head, though. He, first of all, feels that his past is going to bite him in the butt by way of him falling in love, and then he gets what he has always done to others in return - CHEAT. Although, I have never given him a reason to be anything other that confident that I won't do that to him. Our second probelm is that I have been single at one time for a while, and during that period, as a woman, I learned to take care of my personal intimate needs on my own without dealing with a man.

 

Well, I have shared part of that intimacy with him, but now I am accused of being a nympho. Oh, I forgot to state that with NO ONE in my past have I EVER enjoyed sex with before, until I met this man. We are 6 1/2 months into our relationship, and I am still extremely pleased in bed. So, there has been time for the "newness" to wear off, and it is still great! BUT, our problem, or his, is that he accuses me of playing with myself ALL THE TIME!! I am so tired of this! It has became a huge problem. If I take a long shower, I am playing with myself. If I get startled when he walks in the room, I am playing with myself. I even play with myself in my sleep. Most men would get off on that! BUT I AM NOT DOING THAT!! He says that he feels that I am fantasizing about other men OR women! OH MY GOD!

 

He is georgeous, sexy, sweet most of the time and I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH! I have no eyes for ANYONE but him! OH, and lastly, most of these accusations come after he has had a few beers. Which is turning into another problem! anywhere from a 6 pack to a 20 pack a day! He made the promise to me at one time to cut it back to 2 beers a day, but that lasted 2 days!

 

There are alot of feelings involved here! We love each other very much, and our kids love us very much! I see a future, if we can get over this crap! Can someone help me out here?? I don't want to let him go!! I do love him, and I know he loves me. HELP!?!?!?

[DragonGirl724]

well, you clearly stated your problems at hand, i hope i can help by clearly stating what i think of it all..thought it may not be that simple...well heres a piece of advice for you first off. to maybe understand why your BF is making all of these false accusations, insulting you in a way by calling you a freak or a nympho, & in a way pushing you away by incinuating that you constantly masterbate & that youll cheat on him...& that is b/c as a human being sometimes:

 

"You create what you fear, & you fear what you create..."

 

he is most afraid of you being driven to leave him when he falls for you or to cheat on him (as the boomerang effect of bad karma for which he is expecting) as you said. but the key word is afraid. in attempts to 'protect himself' from the pain that 'may come', in his head, he is indeed actually creating a scenario for it to happen. its crazy how people work isnt it??!!?? he has a lot of issues he needs to deal with & they seem to arise in times when he is intoxicated as you said. that is a cry for help, he may need some kind of couseling. may i suggest couples counseling? for he is goin to alcohol to release the stress this is bestowing on him & in hopes that the beer can help remedy these issues that are plaquing him when real help can not only bring out this issues to the forefront but can also set a clear path to correct them.

 

discuss this with him, & dont think of couples counseling as a form of weakness. when indeed couples that go to counseling usually end up being the most successful at times. it shows the importance & value you 2 have being involved in eachothers lives & how much that means to you both & how you want to work it all out so you can have a happy family.

 

he fears commitment to protect his own heart & he needs to grow up from that if you 2 are going to go any further in this relationship. goodluck & keep posting!

 

-DG724

[RayKay]

I honestly don't have any actual advice for you...but I do want to say you need to be very very very careful about someone who needs 6-20 beers a day - you don't want to get into a relationship with an alchoholic, nor do you want your children around that. He may only be "mean" when he drinks, but that is not an excuse...and especially not when drinking often.

 

I think he needs some help to get over these issues, and I am not sure you are the one who can help him directly - he, and you two both, may need to look into counselling as he is holding onto these issues when they should of been resolved between you the many times you have I imagine talked about it.

[Evelyn99]

I've got to agree with RayKay. There were lots of red flags in your letter.

 

He cheated on all his other relationships. He has trust issues. He's threatened by your sexuality. And he drinks way too much.

 

I'd be very, very careful if I were you.

[Mun]

I think he has fallen and he has fallen hard. He knows he is vulnerable because of this and he's afraid to pay for what he has done in the past. I think he is accusing you because he is threated by your sexuality just as Evelyn said, but also because he is insecure.

 

This is not because of something you did, he has serious issues and everyone is right he needs help. I'm afraid you can't help him with this because you have already tried to reassure him and it makes no difference.

 

He's probably drinking because he can't deal or doesn't know how to deal with what he feels. If the problem is eliminated then most likely the drinking will stop too. I agree with everyone that he needs counseling. Couple counseling is a better option in this case since this is affecting the relationship.