Gun shy in a new relationship

[purple_monster]

Last time I was here, I was trying to get over breaking up with a long term boyfriend, after things had sort of disintegrated as the result of us not communicating well during a year of long distance. We're purposely not speaking much now -- in the past few months, we've spoken maybe two or three times.

 

Since then, I've met someone new. We're at about the 6 week mark since we started seeing each other regularly. He's absolutely fantastic, and does all the things that my ex didn't do -- paying attention, enjoying physical contact, planning fun things to do, bringing me small token gifts from his work trips. We get along wonderfully both intellectually and physically, and my friends really like him.

 

At the beginning, I made it clear that I hadn't healed from my previous relationship yet, and wasn't looking for anything serious at all. He said he was fine with that and we would just let it be low key. As time's gone by, I'm realizing that I really like him, and I can see potential for much more. We're really honest with each other, and joke about our future and how I am so tentative about our future.

 

He recently invited me to go on a trip with him to Europe for a week, at the end of the year. And while I think theoretically it would be great fun, I find it really hard to think about "next month". I feel like I'm shutting the door even further against any possibility of getting back together with my ex -- we left it on a "maybe in the future, when we change, we can get back together" note. But being with the new guy has made it clear to me that what I was missing in my last relationship is actually extremely important to me. I'm really afraid to think about the fact that I think there is potential for more in this relationship.

 

I guess it's not a specific dilemma I have here, as much as it is just generally being gun shy about the whole thing. Does anyone have similar stories that they can share with me? Does anyone who has been through this have any advice to impart?

 

I don't want to rush things, but I don't want to drag my feet more than I have to, and I don't want to inadvertantly damage this budding relationship by dragging my feet too much. He's a really great guy and I'm really enamoured with him, I'm just scared.

[Mun]

Hello there,

It's very natural to be scared. I think once we find something that works and someone who is very "real" it just sets us off a little bit--usually because our past relationships were not this "easy"

 

I totally understand about how you feel regarding your ex and closing the door on any possibility there. I believe there are times when we shouldn't look back because it will only keep us from moving forward.

 

One thing that works to get over (relationship) fear is this: Close your eyes and imagine life with him and all the things he brings to this relationship. Now close your eyes and imagine life without him. How does that feel? Which feeling is stronger?

 

I wish you lots of luck. This sounds like a great relationship, enjoy it.

[purple_monster]

Thanks muneca -- I really appreciate your words. You hit the nail on the head about relationships being unexpectedly "easy" -- I'm so used to drama and trauma that I'm not sure what to do with myself. It's wonderful yet frightening.