Alright...It's time to seek out some help. Help?

[Empathy]

Here's the deal. I am with out a doubt an alcoholic. (At least I think I am. If anyone else thinks otherwise, let me know. If you agree, then let me know as well.) I love the way it makes me feel but I don't like what it's actually doing to me. I just can't stop. One of the things I always valued about myself is my intelligence and since I started drinking heavily, that aspect has declined. Even though I know I'm causing brain damage I just can't stop. I have a speech due TOMORROW and you know what I did? I took a few gulps of some whiskey, some wine, and some vodka (stealing from my parents!) because I honestly felt that I needed it. When I get depressed the FIRST thing on my mind is, "I need a drink." When I'm already a little drunk I'll steal more alcohol from my parents and I won't care whether or not I get caught b/c all I WANT is to be more intoxicated. For some reason I think that feeling good for the moment is worth getting caught. If I become afraid of getting caught for the alcohol I'll raid the medicine cabinet! (Dad's a pharmacist). I'll do these things even when I'm not depressed. All it takes is for me to have a little taste of inebriation and I'm held captive by how it makes me feel. I need someone to help me find my way out of this rut. I'm terrified b/c I can't retain or recall information as well as before. Even knowing that it's taking away something so valuable to me I still can't stop. And even though I'm feeling really buzzed at the moment I still feel that I need more. I need someone to tell me how to break this debilitating addiction. (excluding professional help. I need advice on how to do this on my own. Parents wouldn't be too sympathetic) Thanks in advance for any advice.

 

(EDIT: I already know what it's doing to the rest of my body so please don't remind me. It will only make me feel worse. )

[Empathy]

Hmmm...I suppose I was asking too much. I apologize. Now I feel weak and most of all embarrassed. I should have never asked for advice in the first place. I should be strong enough to know how to handle this situation. Especially since I was capable of identifying the problem. Thanks for at least taking the time to read this. I only hope that I'll remember typing this tomorrow. j/k. lol. Take care, and wish me luck!

[evy38]

You are an alcoholic. You knew that when you posted. The good thing is that you are young and the damage is still minimal. My sister is one, has been since 14, she's 42 now, so trust me when I tell you that you're going to need help as well as strengh to kick this, you will notice that you've moved from just the alcohol to drugs now. This will only get worse as you get older, unless you start to kick it now. It will STEAL your life, the wonderful career you would have had, the family you may have made, the house that could have been yours and all the money you will ever make. If you're not careful, and alcoholics aren't, it can steal your very life.

Help time. You CAN NOT do this alone. You need to talk to your parents and tell them you need help. Would you rather them know from you or the police after you've been arrested or wrapped your car around a tree? This will require a total change of your life and friends. It may even require some time away from home. But you can regain control and tame the beast. I wish I could tell you that you can kill this beast, but that would be a lie. It will always be with you. That is where your strength comes in. You will have to be strong to resist your cravings. First you need to get them under control. You are going to need to be somewhere where you cannot gain access to this stuff while your body clears itself of the poisions already in it. As you go thru withdrawl, you will reuse if you can get to it. That is why you need help.

[lelucats]

a few thoughts from an alcoholic...

 

(A = alcoholic)

 

A's are typically very intelligent people with great senses of humor and extra sensitive hearts. I've met more sweet souls in AA mtgs. than in church, and laughed alot more too.

 

Addiction defies logic. There's no out-thinking it.

 

There are physiological differences between an A and a non-A. Whenever an addict ingests a mood altering substance the liver processes it slower than normal. "Normal" people can drink, process alcohol faster and then their brains tells them "enough". If they ignore the message, they get sick. A's rarely get sick because of the slower processing. Chemicals build and build and our brains don't "get the message", before we know it we're drunk and could care less what message the brain has.

 

Also there's a part of the brain, in layman's terms the "pleasure center". This center gets chemically altered and does not return to normal. The changes build and build and that's why once an A, always an A. I think of it as a calcifying process (tho definitely not medically correct) -- with every introduction of chemicals, another layer is added. That's why it always takes more and more to feel high. There's no going backward with this. Our brains adjust themselves chemically. If we're "tickling" this center with foreign substances, it slows down it's natural production of "feel good" (endorphins) chemicals to the point that naturally we don't feel good emotionally without drinking, because the brain has come to expect outside sources to maintain equilibrium. You've heard of "runner's high"? Same area of the brain. That's why an addict is an addict is an addict--often crossing over into other addictions, in order to feel emotionally well.

 

You're 19 so you may be thinking, I'm young yet -- too young to worry about this. Addiction will steal time away from you like nothing else. Above poster mentioned sis in 40's. Me too. I drank for 25 years, had family, career, etc...but gave up so much of myself to alcohol. Mostly emotionally.

 

We A's are uncomfortable with feelings. Sounds like you're going thru some stresses (school, difficult parent relationship). Please get real with these things now. Learn and grow from your current situation and move on. If you go down the path of chemical escapement it will suck you dry. You will end up having much more on your plate to deal with in ADDITION to what you're going thru now.

 

We all go thru trials. We need to learn how to get thru them or we remain stuck in repeat mode. Life demands that we get thru trials, there's no getting out of it. One can delay, but not ignore. It's your choice.

 

I wish you the best, Lelu

[Scout]

Empathy,

 

It took a lot of guts for you to post this. Do not feel embarrassed.

 

Have you thought about going to an AA meeting? From what I understand, they offer real hope and, well, empathy.

 

- Scout

[abcd1234]

Overcoming this problem by yourself is going to be very difficult, if not impossible. My suggestion is that you attend an AA meeting, you will get advice from now-sober people who know exactly what you are going through and you will also be around people who are in a similar situation to you.

 

Overcoming an addiction is not, i repeat NOT, something that should be done alone. The sobering-up process is not going to be easy and the support of others will give you the confidence and strength of mind to go through with it and come out the other side a much happier and stronger person.

 

Alcohol is not the best thing for a person to drink when they are depressed because alcohol itself is a depressant and only makes the feelings worse, trust me, i had a friend go through it.

 

If you cant attend an AA meeting then perhaps telling your parents or a friend would be a good idea. If they know then they can support you and help you through this.

 

abcd1234

[dirtbubble]

The advice to attend AA is good. Alerting friends and family might be painful or embarrassing, but it is the beginning of a support group you can count on. Better do it now than years down the road when they have all given up on you. Controllling addiction is a discipline of constant vigilance. Victory over addiction will carry over to other challenges in your life. Defeat will just be hell.

 

The craving you describe is very serious. Where I work I see people every day who have lost everything to addiction. Everything means everything. It's very sad to see a 40 or 50 year old man just hanging on for dear life, trying to recover a shred of dignity before he dies. They have had to build support networks from scratch because everyone who cared for them long ago gave up. Most of these people started drinking at a young age and lost decades of their lives in hazy blur of regret and ill health.

[evy38]

Every post you have received so far, has been wonderful. I hope you take their advise and come back to us and let us know how things are going. Take care and be brave.

[vchilly]

I also take pills and stuff in stupid quantities even when im not feeling depressed or having an episode just to see what happens, for the thrill.... its bizarre, Ive never understood it... same with cutting which i don't do until after an "episode".... just a thought

 

Hope you got professional help..... its not a miricle cure but it eases the pain, just keep up with it, it doesn't get better overnight

 

xxVc