Play it safe or put yourself out there?

[rachopin77]

So I'm an 18 year old girl in college and I tend to usually be more reserved when I first meet people, and I never really "put myself out there" in terms of trying to get guys to notice me. I either don't know how to, don't want to come accross as too much, or don't want to risk being rejected. It always seems like the smarter decision for me to just not try to flirt a bunch or make any first moves, but guys don't really approach me either unless its a guy who is either creepy or desperate. I've had my fair share of really creepy guys who make me very uncomfortable show an interest, but it's never guys I would seriously consider. I'm not really sure why guys I would be interested in don't approach me. It may be because I'm very tall, (6 feet), have a tendency to seem kind of quiet when you first meet me, or if its just a side effect of me being a black girl who is almost always in primarily white environments (I'm not implying racism, I just feel like white males tend to not approach black females in that way). Or maybe normal, well adjusted males just don't find me attractive, I'm not really sure.

 

My quiet first impressions are also kind of dependent on who I am with when I meet new people. If I meet someone new with people I am comfortable with, I can seem really loud and outgoing.

 

I'm also a person who tends to over think things, and I am more likely to believe there is something wrong with me if I were to be rejected, so I feel it might be counterproductive to put myself out there because then my confidence would take a huge blow.

 

So my question is, is it better to just keep playing it safe and hope that someone will eventually show an interest in me and let me know, or should I try to be more open and forthright and risk being rejected by a bunch of people? In general, I'm just never really sure if its better to cut your losses in a sense or just go for it. I'm also never really sure how to show I'm interested in someone.

 

But any help would be greatly appreciated

[nutbrownhare]

Just be true to your lovely, sincere self. As you say, when you're with people and feeling comfortable, you're extrovert and outgoing. If not, you aren't. This makes a lot of sense. Thing to do is to develop your interests and widen the circle of people you feel comfortable with; your 'kind of people'. Many people who feel uncomfortable socially do have at least ONE crowd where they feel at home, whether that's a church, a club, a sport or collecting comics.

 

You need to find yours, and the rest will follow quite naturally without you needing to worry about it!

[hrtlsngl7]

You're a 6" tall african-american woman? You are about as intimidating as Godzilla to some men. Approaching women is already tough for guys, then add that your height and intimidating sterotypes that a a might be associated w/ black women. You may be unnapproachable to some men. To counter this, you are going to have to be exceedingly friendly. Smile alot more and be overly courteous (especially to attractive men) and you are more likely to get approached.

[rachopin77]

Thank you, that is good advice. I have a lot of things that I spend a lot of time doing that are pretty solitary by nature (Art, playing the piano, running, etc) So maybe I should try to find ways to make them more social.

[rachopin77]

nutbrownhare: Thank you, that is good advice. I have a lot of things that I spend a lot of time doing that are pretty solitary by nature (Art, playing the piano, running, etc) So maybe I should try to find ways to make them more social.

[rachopin77]

You're a 6" tall african-american woman? You are about as intimidating as Godzilla to some men. Approaching women is already tough for guys, then add that your height and intimidating sterotypes that a a might be associated w/ black women. You may be unnapproachable to some men. To counter this, you are going to have to be exceedingly friendly. Smile alot more and be overly courteous (especially to attractive men) and you are more likely to get approached.

 

I can see how I am probably intimidating in that way, I've often wondered that. But the thing is, people love to tell me, although it sort of bothers me in a sense, that I'm "really white for a black person". There's this sort of ghetto stereotype that many black women have, but from my name and just hearing my voice people can't tell what race I am, so I wonder how much that part of the intimidation factors in for me. For some reason, many see me as "less black" since I'm fairly light and I have pretty neutral speech and mannerisms. Because of that, on quite a few occasions, people have said questionable things about black people around me and then apologized profusely when they remember I'm black. Or they say things like "you're pretty for a black girl" or "You don't act very black" etc. But I just ignore most of it and move on. But I'm definitely very tall, which could be intimidating, and I also probably have a tendency to look like I'm scowling when I'm not specifically smiling. People ask me what's wrong sometimes when I just have a straight face. But i definitely should try to seem more friendly and open. Thanks for the tip that's helpful.

[nutbrownhare]

I take it you're in the USA - all the white people I know in the UK would be APPALLED if they heard someone address a black person in the ways you describe above! Maybe you should come over here instead!

[rachopin77]

That would be great, I've always wanted to go to the UK!

I take it you're in the USA - all the white people I know in the UK would be APPALLED if they heard someone address a black person in the ways you describe above! Maybe you should come over here instead!