Double standards. Who has spoken to an ex while with someone else??

[Tha]

Does anyone ever get really upset if they find out there partner has been talking to an ex or looking at a dating site, but do it themselves?

 

I have on occasion been on dating sites or spoken to other guys, including exes, it means nothing to me (is always virtual) and I did it out of a mixture of boredom/curiosity.

I had a few times caught my ex doing the same and completely lost it, been absolutely crushed, and felt like everything has turned to ****.

 

I wondered if there was any possibility that it meant the same to them as it did to me- as in it was out of boredom/curiosity.

 

Anyone else had this problem?, am I totally out of line by assuming the worst?

[SteelJM1]

Yep you are certainly out of line if you're holding a double standard.

[annie24]

for me, it is inappropriate to be on a dating site when in a relationship. if there is boredom, there are a million other websites you can go to, or watch TV or go to the gym or whatever.

 

and for me, it depends on why they are contacting their ex, what is the history, and what is it all about. i have some exes where we share little friendly emails from time to time - not too often. but it's nothing hinting at getting back together again.

[Amandacast57]

I guess it depends?

 

When I'm in a relationship, I don't cross boundaries. I also don't stay friends with my exes. If I wanted to be their friend, I wouldn't have dated them in the first place.

 

The only interaction I'd have with them is maybe wishing each other a Happy Birthday on Facebook but no way will I have text or email conversations with them, regardless if it doesn't mean anything. I just think its disrespectful to the person you are with. Why keep in touch with your past? Just move on.

[Tha]

These things happened when things were very up in the air with the relationship. We are not together, and part of the reason was that I was so hurt by him talking to others as soon as there was a problem. None of the conversations were on going, or even romantic, but they were still disrespectful in that the boundaries had been crossed. The dating site was the last straw for me, because it was while things were bad, and he went on there instead of trying to work things out. He had left it logged in and I looked (couldn't help myself), the account had only been opened for a week, and the messages he had sent were asking about him cutting his hair he deleted it straight away and said -he was sorry, he shouldn't have, he felt really alone because now he wouldn't have me (none of his family are around), and he just wanted people to talk to, he had no intention of talking romantically, or seeing anyone else, and couldn't do that meaningfully so soon.

 

I guess I am wondering if I should have taken it to heart, because I had done the same when things were bad, and I related to the reasons he gave me.

[Tha]

Contradicts the boredom/curiosity reasoning, but that seems to make it more harmless than actually looking for someone when we are freshly not officially 'together'.

 

Background

together 6 years.

 

Still living together, but are very close as friends, he will be leaving in a week or so. Main problem with the relationship was drug problems on his side, he is an engineer, did very well with his career, but failed a drug test which kind of meant us both having to face up to a lot of things.

(was no particular drug, just anything as long as he had something.. )

[annie24]

imho, it's not appropriate - out of curiosity or whatever. because if he goes on there and meets someone who really captures his interest, then it's not curiosity anymore. and as a single woman myself, it ticks me off when people are in relationships and waste my time by writing, etc.. if they are already in a relationship. if one is bored, he can go to a news site, to a sporting site, an advice site such as this one, play angry birds online, etc.... whatever.

[Tha]

Thanks annie, you are right.

[pl3asehelp]

You might be able to fool yourself that you behave this way out of boredom or curiosity, but a partner would never fall for that lie. They will see it for what it is, a lack of commitment, just like how you see it when it happens to you.

[Tha]

the account had only been opened for a week, and the messages he had sent were asking about him cutting his hair he deleted it straight away and said -he was sorry, he shouldn't have, he felt really alone because now he wouldn't have me (none of his family are around), and he just wanted people to talk to, he had no intention of talking romantically, or seeing anyone else, and couldn't do that meaningfully so soon.

 

 

Do you think these reasons are not true /just excuses? Or do you think there could be honesty in them? Because I can relate to feeling those things, so I can see how we would be drawn to that when we are not officially together.

 

We only spoke to other people when things were bad.

 

Things would happen, and we had tried to work them out together. We had a major earthquake here, my sister was killed, we had to change cities, when we moved I distanced myself a lot and knew no one, and went on a dating site, the underlying feeling behind the boredom/curiosity reasoning was loneliness. We have lived with each other for 6 years, and always been best friends, but we would 'break up' for periods of time when we were struggling personally. In these 'break ups' things would never change, it would just have that title. We have both always been really independent, and it was as if 'break up' meant 'need space/time to deal with things alone'.

 

But I feel conflicted, I feel like a lot of relationship ideologies make it seem technically wrong, I guess I am trying to work out what is important and what isn't..

[Purelce]

It was in appropriate on both sides.

 

You did it first and then he caught you. So he did it, not that two wrongs make a right, but he was probably proving to you how bad it hurts.

 

It backfired and you got p'd off at him because of YOUR guilty conscience.

 

Once a rock fight starts in a glass house it doesn't take long for it to shatter.

 

Golden rule: don't do anything you wouldn't want your significant other to do. If you don't want him to talk to his exes, what gives you the right to talk to yours? You don't want him on dating sites, don't sign on to them out of "boredom".

[staynice]

I would be devastated if my girlfriend went on a dating site, even for one day and I don't care if she was just talking about her hair, or what she had for lunch that day. If I was bored and chose to go on a site, I would be questioning my own actions. That's like playing with fire, what if an attractive stranger started talking to me? If I was lonely, I would be questioning if the relationship I was in was meeting my needs or not. It sounds like both of you were seeking something, a sign that maybe it wasn't meeting either of your needs.