Why does she continue to give me grief?

[Jeffbobo]

Hi all!

 

A little background... I was married for 23 years and have now been divorced for 1 1/2 years. In my marriage I was devoted and fully committed to my wife but in the end, I focused too much on work and neglected her (I work full time and the ex and I also had a business we devoted a lot of time to, she was an at home mom). She wanted the divorce and didn't want to attempt to make it work. I did all the classic, beg and try to reason with her, which of course didn't work. She told me she loved me but was not in love, that she should have just cheated on me but that shes an honorable woman, etc, etc. We ended up going through with the divorce and I was pretty devastated. She initially said she wanted to be friends and live together. I initially entertained that idea but she used it as an opportunity to fight (telling me how I neglected her, how I didn't appreciate her and just bring up past things)... And we never really fought much in the past. She also took the opportunity to let me know how other guys were hitting on her (she's a very attractive woman) and also commenting to me about other guys. I ended up not being able to deal with it so she moved out into an apartment not far from me. Our communication has now degraded to the point where we can't be in the same room or talk on the phone. We just text. I have worked very hard to move on. I've gone through the hardest journey of my life. Even after 1.5 years and her divorcing me, she still gives me grief via text. She continues to tell me how I neglected and ignored her, digs up things from the past, attempts to destroy my character and does this via text. At the same time, she tells me all the great things shes trying to accomplish. she also tells me how hard it is for her and that shes barely making it (I pay child and spousal support). I've asked her to now only communicate via email but she will not commit, giving lame excuses. I try to communicate only about the kids but she just sidesteps it and uses the opportunity to do the above. These things play on me making it hard to move on. Why does she do this??? Attempting to reconcile? Build herself up by trying to tear me down? Jealous I'm moving on presumably faster than her? Just a bitter, angry, resentful person? Anyone that has had this type of experience want to share their perspective? Thanks!

[Hopeful Heart]

She may be simply trying to remind you of what your missing out on, but in doing so she is obviously hurting you. Maybe address the situation, she may not realise she is doing this. Your ex wife may also have issues of her own that she is taking out on you.

 

I wish you all the best.

[Panic1]

What an awful situation. She is trying to make herself feel better by telling you all the great stuff she is doing and by pulling you down. Don't let it get to you, she is obviously still greiving as much as she won't admit it. Stay devoted to your work but on the flip side you should go out and enjoy yourself. You clearly work hard and you should enjoy the rewards that come with it.

 

Good luck.

[FreeFallFeelin]

Strange behavior indeed. It may that she is convincing herself that the divorce was all your fault (now that it's finalized), and the more convinced she gets, the angrier she gets (whether she's right or wrong).

 

Or, a lot of dumpers will feel the need to burn the whole house down as a way to move out - if you catch my drift. As though everything from the past will need to be torn down, degraded and destroyed in order to start fresh. It's a subconscious way of creating distance from being tied to the past, and is terribly brutal if you're part of the past being destroyed. Been there!

 

The fact that she says things to make you jealous (about attention from other men), and that she proactively takes shots at you, looks to me like she still wants your attention. She's not totally ready to let you go, and may be battling those feelings within herself. Maybe she's second guessing her choice to leave but since the hammer has swung, there's no going back. Maybe she was sure about the divorce before, but now that it's real she may be seeing the reality of starting life over at middle age, and also how it feels to have the family broken up. Perhaps she became bored with the marriage and life (like everyone does at some point) and saw that as meaning she should end things. Perhaps she was bored and was getting attention from other random men, which made her resolve to stay together with you erode to the point where she became ill with Grass Is Greener Syndrome ("never settle" ...a terrible trend in modern relationships). Conflicting emotions create conflicting behavior.

 

If I were you, I'd come right out and communicate directly with her about the specific things she's doing that are bothering you. Bring it to the conscious foreground for her. Maybe you'll both get some answers....

 

Best of luck my man.