My ex is out taking trips with friends and I can't get outta the bed

[hillbilly]

My ex is on a trip with her daughter and co-workers having a fun time and I am sitting in my apt nervous and sick to my stomach and so sepressed I can't even muster up enough strentgh to even get cleaned up. This whole break-up has me devastated beyond belief. Today is day 10 of no contact and i just about can't do this anymore. She broke up with me cause she thinks she might have feelings for her married friend. I am hurt so bad over this.

 

I spent 2 years with her total and 1.5 years in the best relationship that she has ever been in she says. But her married friend has chased her and keeps telling her he will leave his wife etc and she has told me before that she has always wondered if he left if they would be something there. I have loved this woman for 18 years since the day i met her. I literally fell in love with her back then love at first sight.

 

Our last phone conversation was 11 days ago when she told me that she didn't know if she could get back with me right now because what if she has feelings for her married friend. Does anyone know how it feels to hear this crap? I mean that just plays over and over in my dang head. And we use to talk and text and facetime everyday and now we ahven't talked in 10 days. ANd our phone conversation 11 days ago was productive and we talked for 2.5 hours. I am trying to heal with NC and let her sort this out but i feel like I am a prisoner of love. I ahve lost a ton of weight and its like she is just having a good time and must not think of me or us or whatever and i just don't know if I can do this much longer without calling her up and just begging and pleading.

 

Please help me I am ruined!

[squirl]

How do you know about this trip? Whatever channel this information is coming in, block it for the near future.

 

Get out of your apartment. Go walk around and see some sights.

 

You need to get some new ideas in your head to come down from the high of this relationship. Read unsent letters on reddit or something. It's full of things people never said or never got to say - friends in comas, estranged parents, soldiers that never came back. It should put things in perspective and remind you that there's a lot of living left to do.

 

link removed

 

Finally, stop posting in Getting Back Together, and start a new thread in Healing After Breakup and Divorce. You are not in the process of reconciling. Most posters if not all have encouraged you to heal and focus on yourself. Posting over there, accepting the breakup will be the first step in healing.

 

Good luck.

[ThatwasThen]

Yes... there is absolutely no sense wasting your own happiness on someone who is actually stupid enough to believe the words of a marred man. She's likely been to bed with him and he's not left his wife for her yet. Think of it this way. How will you ever be able to trust her again, how will you stop wondering what she's doing and how she's not being able to stopgetting emotionally involved with the next guy that shows her a bit of attention?

 

You say she's on a trip with HER daughter. Just how many times is she going to be in a relationship just to leave it for someone else? You probably can't see it and you likely don't want to hear it but your ex is not very good relationship material, her head isn't in the right place if she'd lower herself to be some married guys piece on the side. She has no personal boundaries and people who have no personal boundaries keep making the same kinds of mistakes.

 

In time you'll realize you're better off with out a woman like that in your life. Now; get up off the couch, have a shower and shave, make yourself a lite bite to eat and then go out with friends who will help you to take your mind off of her.

 

I feel sorry for her daughter who has different men coming in and out of her life who she is likely bonding with and then her mother leaves them. Totally irresponsible and self-absorbed cow.

[onelittleladybug]

That means nothing. She has a kid, she is taking care of her child and being active. Not being in bed and having taken a shower in the past 24 hrs doesnt mean a person is not hurting. If this particular thing is making you hurt you should probably consider doing something similar yourself. Go out on a hike, or take a day trip somewhere. Just get out of the house and be active, thats the best way to deal under the circumstances.

 

And please dont dwell too much on thoughts about the two of them. A relationship that starts so soon after another is almost always a reaction of the first relationship. You say you had an amazing relationship but there has to be something you are ignoring because you are broken up so there was something wrong. It may have been 100% her but it rarely ever is, its usually a pattern/interaction between both people. Im just not believing that one day a woman decided to leave an amazing relationship. She might be saying its the best she has experienced so far but thinking and feeling that theres still too much wrong and it could be better. I think whats going on is that youre in this stage after the break up where you glorify the relationship and you are focusing on that when you talk to her and she is agreeing with a lot of what you are saying, but holding back on what is really bothering her. That doesnt mean you havent been a good partner, you may have been a great partner. It just means a missed opportunity to fix/work on what makes this a breakable relationship to her.

 

I read the first thread about your break up. I noticed two things: A) That story about the ex showing up at your door and accusing you of cheating with her. Thats weird. Its even more weird if nothing happened. B) Why did you wait 2 weeks to discuss it with your girlfriend? A woman shows up on your doorstep and accuses you of cheating with herself. You just brush it off and say "nah its not even worth discussing"? Did I read this part of your story wrong? If I got the picture right, I have to tell you this would bother me to no end. I was actually in your girlfriends shoes once. An ex showed up at the door and accused my then boyfriend of cheating with her. It ruined our relationship the very minute it happened. Turned out she was telling the truth anyway, so good riddance for me besides it was a very break up worthy relationship. But it took 8 more months for me to get out of it because its a seriously messed up situation. You have no idea who to believe. Its one persons word against another and it will mess with your head endlessly. Cheating is a lot more common than someone showing up at some other persons house falsely accusing them of cheating with them. If your first ex was lying then she is crazy and you have a problem in your relationship that immediately needs to be addressed (ex #1). If my ex had waited 2 weeks to discuss the situation with me, he would have been out of my life a lot faster to be honest.

 

People break up because they are hurt or frustrated with problems or unfulfilled. Not because they are ***holes.

 

Finally - take a shower!!! NOW! And go out, do something to take your mind off things. I wouldnt be surprised if I read a post from you at some point saying this situation got resolved but for now you have to take care of yourself first and foremost and in fact thats crucial for that or anything positive to happen.

[hillbilly]

onelittlelasdybug you did read my original post correctly. My current ex now admits that she did at first think I was cheating on her with my other ex but now she realizes that she was lying and that I didn't do anything wrong. And yes my current ex was hurt at the time when this incident happened at my apartment and was devastated. I didn' talk much about it cause I felt in my heart she knew I wouldn't cheat on her and I wasn't. Basically I spoke to my current ex two weeks ago via phone and she told me that when I wouldn't talk about what happened she realized that I hurt her like her abusive deceased husband use to hurt her. She said she realized that she loves me as much as she loved him and that she has emotionally fell to hard for me and don't want me to have that much control over her emotions so she is withdrawing. As a result she now seems to think she has feelings for her married friend who has been listening to her talk about me.

 

So that is the deal and I have been NC for 10 days and I just want her back and to fix this.

[onelittleladybug]

If you want my advice I would try to talk to her about this again. Try not to be defensive about your silence (I dont know that you have been defensive, Im just saying its important to be open). I wouldnt talk much about what she is doing now, I would just really focus on clearing the table. I would apologize for the silence if you already havent. From the info you have given, I think this affair with the married man is much less important than you now think it is. I think she is reacting to your relationship and feeling hurt and afraid, as well as her previous relationship with her ex husband.

[hillbilly]

My ex texted me once before all this happened and told me she is scared and sometimes she is a mixed up girl that pushes people away when they get to close. This was before she told me two weeks ago that she loved me as much as her deceased husband and that she realized she has emotions so strong for me that she could be hurt by me like her deceased husband use to heurt her. He cheated on her and was a total drug addict. I have a MBA degree and I have a good job and own a small business on the side. She has told me that our relationship was the best relationship she has ever had. She said I am the most kind gentle man with the biggest heart she has ever know. She said that we get along 99.% of the time and that she has never had anyone that is more sexually compatible with her. Her 24 and 17 year old kids really like me and her sister and parrents like me too! She said two weeks ago that she hasn't told her parents she broke up with me and she also said that she is probably making abig mistake. She has asked for space for a while but has always stayed in contact with me and keeps saying if its meant to b we will get bak together etc. But its like she needs a break to figure thhis out. Today has been 12 days no contact. out phone conversation 2 weeks ago was very good and we spoke for 2.5 hours.

 

I don't wanna push her and everyone says give her space etc. She told me she don't love with this married guy and that she isn't in love with him and that he isn't leaving. She told me before the incident at my apartment that she wanted to marry me. And now this deal has happened. Iam just at a loss. So i don't know what to do and so i am doing nothing. I apologized to her during our phone conversation and she knows how I feel and that I truly love her but she keeps saying what if I have feelings for my married friend. What gives?

[onelittleladybug]

Sounds like she is having cold feet. If she is really pursuing an affair with the married guy, her motivations are likely the lack of commitment. In other words, the fact that they can never be serious and committed is appealing to her. Whatever she is going through its pretty complicated and messy. Honestly its probably best for yourself to keep your distance for now, its messy enough as it is without you getting dragged into it. I still think she is reacting out of her feelings to you and the other ex, but obviously she has some stuff to figure out. I've said it before that I think that you not addressing your ex's claims of an affair between you was a mistake, but I think her reaction is out of proportion and there is a lot going on with her.

 

Its extremely important that you take care of yourself and work on getting yourself to a better place mentally and emotionally. Being active will help you avoid obsessing and it will help you keep a clear and rational mind. Once you're there you are able to see clearly what you did and what she is doing. From there you can figure out if you want to continue (should you get the chance) or not, and how to proceed. Being in a desperate place is just not good for getting back together and it is very unattractive. Focus on yourself rather than her and good things will start to happen. Play it out in your head that she comes back, really think about your feelings as they are today. How do you feel about her? How do you feel about what happened, and what she is doing now? No matter if it doesnt feel like you have choices now, pretend that you do. Dont only think about getting her back, also think about what if you got into another relationship. Be open to all possibilities.

[AutumnBorn]

Hillbilly, congratulations on NC. I know you love this woman. What are you willing to do to get her back? Laying in bed licking your wounds isn't a plan of action. What are you wiling to do to get her back? What changes can you make to your thoughts, behaviors, actions, and appearance? What are you doing to become fascinating, the One Who Got Away, a winner in the game of love?

 

In other words, what's your plan? You need to have one instead of just reacting to others.

 

A.B.

[AutumnBorn]

Oh, and if you think you can't do this much longer without begging and pleading, you'd better think again. That is the worst thing you could do and could ruin any chance you have of getting her back. I'm serious as hell. Begging is so unsexy, so unbecoming, that it could kill your last chance. You don't want that.