My boyfriend is changing, for the better. Please give input.

[MLuna]

My boyfriend and I have known each other for 11 months now. He chased me hard at first for months and once he really had me, of course, got lazy.

 

In fact he became downright cruel and inconsiderate. I felt unloved, unwanted, and unworthy at times because of how he treated me. There was constant emotional abuse and walking away when I needed him instead of resolving and issue. He would come back after an hour to apologize or make nice. It got to a point of constantly putting me down, getting frustrated with me and breaking up with me in outbursts of rage, once in a public place, once after hurting my dog for peeing on the carpet and breaking the doghouse.

 

IT WAS HORRIBLE and I won't make excuses. I stayed after every event somewhat knowing it would only be better for a little while, thinking of ways I could escape the relationship after time to mentally prepare for him to be gone.

 

There were times I finally asked him to just leave due to lack of affection and his cruelty in comparison to my devotion and adoration. Each time I had enough i noticed changes in certain behaviors for the better that have remained permanent with time. I was always skeptical though due to my knowledge in abusive relationship trends.

 

However... a few weeks ago I really sent him packing after being rude to me before I left for work. I wanted a hug after being upset with him for not giving me a hug/kiss that morning when he knows it's important to me or something like that. He really didn't wanna go, we talked it out once i came home and decided to be together.

 

Ever since, I notice a real effort from him that wasn't there before to be considerate of my feelings. He still is the same guy who isn't affectionate, is over logical, and who doesn't see the importance of candy-coating sometimes when he criticizes (which he does alot due to the family he comes from). However, instead of running away or ignoring me when I'm feeling upset or sad over him, he will apologize or try to reassure me it's alright. He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose but that he's afraid it won't work out due to my importance on affection and the fact that he's not from a family who is affectionate (Or culture).

 

I understand on the surface, but I don't understand HOW someone can lack the love for affection.. but i am overly affectionate in comparison to other people, always have been.

 

The overall question is, has he really changed his spots? It's interesting to me.

I was in a relatinoship of 4 yrs previous to him and the first year was emotionally and almost physically abusive. I was going to leave when he promised to change which i knew was bull**** because they can't change on their own, right?

 

WRONG. That man became my best friend, confidant, and more. He was amazingly attentive and caring and even though we had arguments they weren't over the top after that...

 

Is my new relationship taking the same path? Have I been able to stick it out long enough to show and teach him another way like in the past?

 

WEIRD.

[El0t]

Only time will tell, but for right now it sounds like he's stepping up after you made it clear what your boundaries were. If he is doing things better and not just saying he's going to try, then that's a good sign. I would give him a chance if you want to be with him, but if you're already over it, there's no sense in still dating him, even if he has changed. Best of luck.

[stranger88]

Personally I think you've seen his inner personality and its not good.

[Edmund Exley]

Personally I think you've seen his inner personality and its not good.

 

Studies show, any person that can hurt animals is not a very good person. I'm guessing he's towing the "I changed" line to keep you. Abusers will do this for a period of time until they feel they have gained assurance you are staying. Then the abuse will manifest itself yet again.

 

I would work on you and wonder how/why it is you end up with abusive men. The fact that you have only been in this relationship for less than a year and have accepted his behavior from the get go is a red flag in how you will allow partners treat you.

 

I would tread with caution and not put any faith in that the other man changed, so he will too. He might, but statistically he probably wont.

[stranger88]

Studies show, any person that can hurt animals is not a very good person. I'm guessing he's towing the "I changed" line to keep you. Abusers will do this for a period of time until they feel they have gained assurance you are staying. Then the abuse will manifest itself yet again.

 

I would work on you and wonder how/why it is you end up with abusive men. The fact that you have only been in this relationship for less than a year and have accepted his behavior from the get go is a red flag in how you will allow partners treat you.

 

I would tread with caution and not put any faith in that the other man changed, so he will too. He might, but statistically he probably wont.

I think there are often two types of people

 

1) Those who do dumbish things but still at their heart mean well. This is what I find a lot of the "Oh I was so bad in the relationship" people on here are, you can call this really just a decent normal human and

2) People who are ****ing awful to others, selfish and generally worthless.

 

I'm thinking he is more towards the later.

[metrogirl]

I'm not buying the 'he's changed' line. People with aggression issues don't wake up one morning and suddenly realize they have issues so they are going to just stop. It takes time and probably therapy and maybe even medication. If it were that easy, no one would be in a bad relationship.

 

I think he is keeping things cool for right now until he knows you are firmly in place and he will revert back to old ways and by then you will be to asborbed with him to be able to walk away.

[poetryandlyrics]

I'm not buying the 'he's changed' line. People with aggression issues don't wake up one morning and suddenly realize they have issues so they are going to just stop. It takes time and probably therapy and maybe even medication. If it were that easy, no one would be in a bad relationship.

 

I think he is keeping things cool for right now until he knows you are firmly in place and he will revert back to old ways and by then you will be to asborbed with him to be able to walk away.

 

I agree. If he can somehow "snap" out of it and act decently, then I'd question his characteristics if he's manipulative, being in complete control and only does what he wants according to what he thinks he can get. An average person with a bit of an impatience issue would still need an adequate amount of time to learn and control his own issues.

 

And I'd question your best friend too. Being best friends and being lovers are two separate things. A person can be abusive in a relationship but act fine if they're just friends. The amount of control to exercise is less there, and less necessary. I doubt he changed either. I have a friend who had an abusive relationship but as friends, they're fine. But I personally cannot understand how I'd remain friends with someone who was abusive anyway.

[Shepp]

I believe that if youve got it in you to hurt an innocent dog - then that kind of aggression and lack of empathy is in you, born into you, not shaped by his family or his past or whatever else! And hence that cant ever really go away!

 

Seriously even if i trip over my dog in the dark i apologise to him!