Scarred Lonely Soul

[Zulnex]

Well, after long and very careful consideration, I have decided to start writing my journal here. I have always been known as a very shy person, so writing this journal will present a painful and difficult challenge.

I feel I must start writing from the beginning of my early childhood. I have only written a couple of sentences so far and there is a lump in my throat and heaviness in my stomach and chest. With lightning speed, memories and emotions are hitting my heart and soul like razor sharp arrows. Old wounds are now beginning to re-open and the emotional pain is overwhelming. My hands are starting to shake. I feel I must compose myself, as it is becoming increasingly difficult to continue writing.

Taking a couple of deep breaths seemed to have helped for now. So after a couple of minutes, I think I am ready to start writing again.

I was born in a small Eastern European country. I do not remember too many details before the civil war - as I was only 7 years old. I remember though, when my mom took me by my hand ever day and walked with me to school. I did not like school at all, but as the time went by, I got used to it. I had very few friends and even at such an early age, I tended to be alone.

After school, I would walk back home as both my parents were working and my older brother was already home. I remember seeing on television gruesome images of first days of the civil war. Why are these people brutally killing each other? I have often asked myself this question and was not able to comprehend it yet.

The next day, when I was coming home from school, I heard loud and wailing sounds of the air raid sirens. One of the most horrible sounds I have ever heard in my entire life. The dreadful echoes were coming from all directions. After the sirens stopped, the streets were absolutely deserted. Time seemed to have frozen and I was paralyzed with fear. I will never forget it for as long as I live. I would hear shooting and explosions miles away. Somehow I knew that someone...somewhere, will not be coming home alive. My tears would just not stop running...

Oh...the agony and pain of all these emotions. I feel like I need to stop for now as that lump in my throat and heaviness in my chest are back. The worst is yet to come, so I will take a break now and continue tomorrow.

[Zulnex]

My feelings are still running high from yesterday's journal entry.

I find it very difficult to comprehend how some people can change so abruptly. From saying hello to threatening to kill. It is a very shocking feeling to say the least. War... countless tragedies and the senseless brutality... It leaves me speechless. Basic human rights are non-existent! I will not go into political details too much. To this day, I think that politicians are master manipulators.

One day in school, my classmates start spitting at me and taking off my clothes. I am feeling... well... I just can not find any words that could describe my overwhelming agony and shock. Wait... we were playing in the schoolyard just yesterday and now I am your worst enemy? Why? Is it my religion? That was never a problem, so what have I ever done to receive such a punishment? I... I... desperately hoped this was all just a very bad dream.

I am covered in saliva, sweat and tears trying to wipe my face and eyes with one hand. At the same time, I have tried to use my assignment notebook to cover my face with my other hand. The stench is awful! My clothes are on the ground but with force, I have managed to put them back on. I tried to defend myself to the best of my abilities. But 1 against 10 doesn't stand a chance. Thank God the teacher just arrived. He did not care at all. Why am I not surprised? I have used that opportunity to run as fast as I can.

That awful lump in my throat is back and the chest feels heavy. It is difficult to hold back my tears. I have to take a small break. This is excruciatingly painful!

[Zulnex]

I have regained my composure, so I think I am ready to write again.

Needless to say, my family was very upset about what happened that day. Filing complaints against the school and asking questions did not help. I think the simple answer was - war. As I have written earlier, there are no human rights in wars.

Couple of days later, the school was closed due to explosions and shooting that started happening in the outskirts of the city. Naturally, I was glad I would not be going there anymore.

As the days and months were passing by, the fighting was getting more fierce. One day, I came very close to death myself. This event has changed me profoundly in so many ways. Well, it seemed to be a peaceful day with no air raid sirens and shooting going on. Sporadic and very distant explosions could be heard miles and miles away. As I was playing outside of the building where I lived, I suddenly heard a gunshot. In a flash, something whizzed by my head with lightning speed hitting the wooden door of the building behind me. For a few seconds, I stood there paralyzed with fear and not being able to move. Those few seconds felt like an eternity. Right then and there, I knew I came very close to being instantly killed. I did not cry, but a feeling of disbelief was going through my mind. That terrifying whizzing sound of a bullet as it travels through the air toward its target... I was happy and thankful to God for being alive.

I lost interest for watching cartoons in the evening and playing with my toys. A basic survival instinct kicked in. I was no longer thinking like a 9 year old boy and instead, I started thinking more like an adult. I was definitely not the only one. Unfortunately, lots of children were forced to do the same.

A lot of thoughts and emotions are going through my mind now. I am thinking of all those who have lost their lives. Not in this war only, but all the wars that happened since the beginning of humanity...

[Zulnex]

I am feeling restless. Those stirring emotions from my past are causing so much pain. They have erupted like a volcano that has been brewing for years. My soul is in torment... an absolute torment...

If I only wasn't so shy, I would probably have a girlfriend or wife with me now to give me a long hug. I wonder what it feels like...

All these emotions... I can't take it no more, I have to take a small break...

I think I am ready to write again...

Me and my family were relieved when our refugee status documents got approved. We were able to move away from the war to a neighboring country. We have endured 4 long years of living in a war zone. I remember how unusual it was for me not to hear those dreadful air raid sirens and the explosions. It took a very long time, but I finally got used to living in peace. Nevertheless, I often still felt very sad for all those people who were left behind. I still saw the images of war in my new country as well.

We were so happy, and everyone else was as well, when the war finally ended. Alas, it was not to be.

My father had a severe drinking problem for many years. One day, I came close to death the second time in my life. My father came home again drunk, with a knife in his hand - looking to kill us. I remember me and my mom were hiding behind a wardrobe closet door. The bedroom door slowly opened... Just like in the war time, I was again paralyzed with fear. I could hear my father breathing furiously as he was looking for us. I will forever remember my mom's words: "Do not cry. Be quiet if you want us to live." Luckily, by God's grace he did not find us. When he left, I jumped through the window and ran barefoot in the snow to the nearest police station. He was arrested shortly afterwards and my mom's divorce papers got finally approved by the court.

I often think to this day... What possesses a person to try and kill their loved ones? What's their state of mind when they decide to do that? I just don't understand it... at all.

All these emotions are running through my mind. When I look at everything that happened in my life - I feel very thankful to be alive.

[Zulnex]

My feelings are still running high from the previous journal entries. I did not sleep well last night. I kept tossing and turning in my bead thinking about my past, present and future...

So far, the most happiest day of my life was when me and my family arrived to Canada. The process was very long though and after numerous interviews and doctor examinations...we got our papers.

When I look at my life in Canada so far (13 years) , I can't help but think - I have failed completely. I think that shyness has ruined so many opportunities in my life. I mean, I never had any friends when I was in high school. I had so many opportunities to make friends... and I miserably failed. I just could not take the conversations further than - hello. When meeting new classmates, I was gently smiling and tried to make myself look approachable. I felt I could say so much more, but I... I... just couldn't. Even my teacher wrote in the report card that I was too quiet and had no initiative to participate in classroom discussions. I could not agree more!

Majority of the classmates thought that I must have lived in some sort of a bubble. I was even told to burst out of it. But how...? I don't know what to say... God, I do not want to say something that might be interpreted in a wrong way. I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings... I think that I am a complete failure as a human being... For God's sake, why can't I be like everyone else?

My soul is in torment again...

To think that to this day, I am exactly the same...

I have absolutely nothing to show for all these years other than my high school diploma and a college degree. Haven't I learned anything? I had plenty of opportunities to meet new friends and I have squandered them all. I expected friends to come to me but I could not gather the courage to make that first approach? There must be something seriously wrong with me...

I have to stop writing for a bit... This is very painful... Old wounds are being reopened again and I am in agony once more...

I have remained the same when I was in College...

My classmates were so kind and friendly. They were amazed by my gentleness and care when I was performing Phlebotomy (drawing blood from veins). They felt that I was a perfect candidate for working in a hospital. Indeed, I have always wanted to work in a hospital and help others. However, I only considered myself just an average student. My marks were average as well, and there were lots of others more capable than me.

Again, I could not break out of my shyness... I was told once more, that I was living in a bubble. That was a perfect analysis and I absolutely agree! I could gently smile and say hello... but nothing more than that. My face would blush... I have always gently smiled when that happened, but inside... I was hurting. I wanted to make new friends very, very much. Yet, my lips remained sealed...

So many chances were missed. It hurts so much that I did not learn anything. I do know one thing though... I do not want to end up being alone... There must be a way. I am not giving up...

[Zulnex]

Had an interesting day today...

After a very long time, it was nice to finally have a job interview again. It lasted for almost 45 minutes. The older gentleman who was in charge of conducting interviews was very nice. I tried to control my shyness as best as I could. I was nervous.

He noticed there were gaps in my employment history. I had no choice but to tell the truth. My face was blushing and my nervousness was reaching new levels...

I was laid off 5 times in the last 7 years... He seemed to be stunned. I thought to myself...That's it! My chances of getting this job were just reduced to 0.1 %...

Luckily, he showed understanding by re-assuring me it was ok. The economy has been very slow for the past 5 years and lots of people are losing their jobs. He informed me that he will go ahead and give me a chance. I am grateful that he decided to do so.

Unfortunately, it is definitely not the type of a job I like, but I have no choice. Driving a truck is very, very lonely and some nights I will not be home.

However, I am not giving up! I will keep looking for any potential employment opportunities in my field. Working in a medical laboratory is something that I really want to do.

On the way home, I was thinking about all the jobs I had... Nothing glamorous though. Dirty, smelly factories and making just enough money to pay my bills. I was also a garbage collector for some time.

I really hope my college education will pay off one day. I wonder how does it feel like having a secure and average paying job...? These thoughts have been crossing my mind quite often lately...

[Zulnex]

I am glad I have posted a thread on the forums last night. Members are so kind and wonderful here. They truly care about issues and problems that people are experiencing. I wish I joined this amazing community so much earlier...

I went to a shopping mall a few hours ago and I am happy to be making some progress regarding my anxiety and shyness. I was able to control my breathing and tried to walk around a bit longer. Before, even just thinking about going to the mall, would make me so nervous. Being in a large group of people terrified me...

I am also looking to find counselors for my PTSD/Trauma issues. I have seen some advertise online and in my city. Sometimes, the images of war from my youth still hurt me.

Today was what I like to call "a cleaning day." Every Friday I vacuum my apartment, clean the dust off the furniture and clean the bathroom. The whole process lasts about an hour and a half. I do not mind doing it and I find it quite relaxing. I also did my laundry chores today. The aroma of an Italian fabric softener is truly delightful.

The images of happy couples in the shopping mall came to my mind. Just when I thought that I could spend one single day without being hurt by it... Loneliness strikes and overwhelms me again...

It is always there. Like a hunter waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce upon his prey...

I need a long hug...

[Zulnex]

Had an interesting Saturday.

I went to a small shopping mall in search for my new house slippers. As I was looking at different shelves to find my size, I was approached by a very nice clerk. She smiled and asked if I needed help. Instantly, my face started blushing. I tried to hide my nervousness as best as I could while she was looking through the shelves. Since there were none left in my size, I thanked her very much for helping me out.

As I was walking through the store on the way out, she was standing next to another clerk. We all smiled and my face started blushing yet again. Once I was outside, my nervousness disappeared. It is obvious, I still have a lot of work to do in overcoming my shyness.

Sunday was quite unpleasant. Feelings of loneliness overwhelmed me again. I started thinking how lucky are the ones who found their true love. I wondered how does it feel to be deeply loved...

I have only myself to blame for being in this situation. If I wasn't so shy, maybe I could have already been in a wonderful relationship...

However, there is no point in turning back the time. I must keep moving forward.

[Zulnex]

So many things are going through my mind right now...

I feel absolutely useless. Am I even worthy of meeting that special someone one day? Who would want to be with me anyway, when I am feeling so bad and insecure.

I keep looking at my past and wonder if I have learned anything. I really don't think I did.

These feelings are draining every ounce of energy I have. I feel I can't turn around and face the future. I am stuck. I keep facing the past...

I really hope that counseling sessions will help. I am getting tired of feeling this way.

Getting sleepy now. Well, I better go to bed. At least for 8 hours, I will not think about anything...

[Zulnex]

I am excited about an opportunity to start a new job next week. Not a job in my field unfortunately, but for now I have no choice. Driving a truck will be very lonely. At least I will see different cities and states/provinces.

Since it was a nice and sunny day, I decided to take a bus and visit my former high school. The ride takes about an hour, from East side where my home is - to the West side where the high school is located.

I was looking outside of the bus window all the time and I haven't even noticed passengers entering and leaving. It felt so relaxing just looking at the scenery. Seeing trees, homes and people going somewhere...

After about 20 minutes, I didn't pay attention to the scenery anymore. High school days were going through my mind. I was traveling to my past...

I didn't enjoy going to high school since I never made any friends. Remembering those days when I used to do my homework during the lunch hour in the detention room. This room was always empty during lunch and the vice principal allowed me to go there. She was a very nice and caring person. I always thought that she felt sorry for me...

Vast majority of the students were in cafeteria laughing and talking to each other. Unfortunately, not me. I was never able to open up and make an effort to make new friends. If I could turn back the time, I would certainly not repeat all the mistakes I made. But, there is no point thinking about it. I really hope I learned something...

After walking through the neighborhood for about half an hour, I decided to head back to the bus terminal. On the way home, I was no longer thinking about my past. I thought about my future. What does it hold for me? Will I repeat the same mistakes? Will I remain lonely for the rest of my life?

Two relaxing bus trips, and yet so completely different... My past and future...

I am gaining a new perspective on life...

[Zulnex]

I can't sleep...

My heart and soul are in torment. Loneliness struck me again and it hurts so much. God, it hurts...

What is wrong with me? Why do I feel this way? Why can't I be content with myself for now?

I am thinking about the past again. Why can't I just leave it alone and focus on what's ahead? I am so disappointed in my self. I am struggling to hold back my tears...

I'll go to bed now. Maybe I can fall asleep and forget about my agony. Even for a little while...

[Hopeful Heart]

First off darl nothing is wrong with you. You feel this way because you are still healing. Thinking about the past is ok from time to time but obviously it is hurting you quite severly. Darl everything is going to be okay. Remember what I said stay hopeful. Your past doesnt define you. Show everyone how strong you are and when you get out of bed and walk out that door tomorrow ... SMILE!!!!. Why are you dissapointed in yourself. Because your crying, darl this just means that you are allowing your self to breakdown. And breakdowns are breakthroughs.

 

Best of luck, feel free to inbox me anytime. xoxo Stay hopeful

[Zulnex]

Hopeful Heart, thank you so much for your wonderful and comforting words. I am truly touched by your thoughtfulness and care.

[Zulnex]

For the past few days, not much has happened.

My unemployment benefits will expire in about 2 months. Having a second interview on Monday is making me a bit nervous. I really hope it will go fine.

Driving a truck is a very lonely job, but for now I have no choice at all. Since I lost my job, I have been active daily and submitting my résumés and cover letters to employers. So far, only 1 company has even contacted me for an interview. That is making me feel discouraged and quite sad.

Having been laid off so many times in the past 7 years, I came to a conclusion that employers do not like to see those gaps on my work history. Even though I have lost these jobs due to work shortage, it still does not make any difference.

My medical lab college degree seems to be completely worthless. Never even had a job interview and I submitted many applications. I certainly hope that one day I can be working in a medical field.

Even though my loneliness is very painful, at least I was not in a relationship for these past 7 years. It would make me feel absolutely horrible if my girlfriend had to deal with all my job issues. Financial security is a very important aspect of relationships.

It's getting very late now, so I guess it's time for bed. Hopefully, I can have a good night sleep compared to last night. Don't know what I was dreaming about. At 3 o'clock in the morning, I found myself sitting on the bed. My heart beating fast and my emotions running high. It was probably yet another nightmare.

I wish I could get a hug...

[Zulnex]

My second job interview went fine. I have completed the pre-employment medical exam as well. Tomorrow, I will be starting the in class training and familiarizing myself with all sorts of paperwork (shipping, receiving, border crossing, etc).

 

Medical center was very busy. People walking in and out frequently. Everyone seemed to be worried about their own issues. Lost in their thoughts, just like I was...

 

I noticed the pharmacist looking at me a few times as she was carefully processing the prescriptions. She had a concerned look in her eyes. Was it about me or someone else, I really couldn't tell.

 

I was really lost in my thoughts and kept thinking about the future. So many things going through my mind and feelings that made me quite worried. I don't know... Sometimes I think that I am just a sad excuse for a human being. I really do...

 

Waiting 25 minutes for my name to be called went by very fast. The nurse was in a hurry which was a good thing for me, I guess. Don't think I would be able to hold a conversation with her for more than a few minutes (just like with everyone else). I am so pathetic...

How will I ever meet someone one day and make friends as well?

[Zulnex]

I was very busy for the past few days. The company finally repaired the truck due lots of mechanical issues. Already put my belongings in the truck (paperwork, fuel cards border crossing documents, my pillow, and bunk bed covers).

Therefore, on Monday I should be on the road if everything goes according to plan. It's exciting knowing that I will finally start making money instead of collecting my unemployment benefits. I am truly tired of being laid off...

Some bad things about the job: I'll be on the road for days at a time, never knowing when my start time is till dispatcher calls me on the phone, no health benefits at all.

At least I'll have the weekends off to relax. For now, this job will have to do. It's still so much better than sitting at home being unemployed...

 

I have found out some very interesting but quite shocking information regarding employment in my province (Ontario) and in the the neighboring state (Michigan).

85% of all jobs in my province are not advertised! Hearing that made me feel quite shocked. This basically means that the only way to get these jobs is by knowing someone "inside" or through company "connections." No wonder it's hard to find a decent job since the competition for the remaining 15% of advertised jobs is fierce.

Neighboring Michigan has even worse figures. Only 6% of the jobs are advertised there! TV reporter had said that lots of people are giving up looking for jobs.

 

Hearing all this discouraging and surprising information is making me feel quite worried. Why? Because for the past 7 years my salary has always been well below average. Last time I had a professional interview for a decent company was 10 years ago.

 

My college degree seems to be utterly useless as well. Luckily, I did not have to pay for anything since the government covered all the costs (qualified for a special program). I was so excited when my career counselor informed me that I should have no difficulties finding a job after I graduate.

Well, "They know what they are doing" I thought to myself...

To this day I never even had an interview for a job in my field (medical laboratory tech.).

 

I am remaining hopeful but I have to admit - not as much as I used to. I am not giving up but it sometimes seems I have better chances of winning the lottery than getting an average and secure job.

[Zulnex]

First week at my new job went pretty good.

Came home on Saturday morning. It felt awesome to be back since I have been on the road for days. Having a special truck GPS really helps me out since some companies are very hard to find.

Good thing about this job is that I get to see different States, Provinces and cities. I've seen some beautiful little cities and counties in Michigan, Ontario and Quebec so far.

Driving down county roads and watching the wonderful scenery is a pleasure for my eyes, heart and soul. I am very careful though. Sometimes, lovely scenery can cause daydreaming to occur. It is so easy to get lost in thoughts...

I am so glad that I have had the opportunity to help the homeless on my way. I had just stopped for a red light when I saw an older homeless lady. The traffic was stopped so I waved her to come to me and gave her money. She thanked me very much and seeing how happy she was - made me truly happy as well. Of course, I would not have done that had the light been green. Thankfully, the light just turned red and it lasted quite a bit. She was able to go back on the sidewalk safely and with no problems. It broke my heart seeing her standing there and waiting for people to give some money. I wonder though, if she is hungry tonight ...

I am still having lots of difficulties dealing with loneliness. Other than talking to a dispatcher and company employees (shipping), hours and hours go by without talking to anyone. It really hurts...

If I could just get a simple hug, it would mean so much to me...

I'm not giving up. I will do whatever I can in order to change my life for the better. Along the way of course, I will help all those in need and who are suffering. It breaks my heart seeing someone sad...

Almighty God, I pray for your guidance and help.

[Hopeful Heart]

If I could just get a simple hug, it would mean so much to me...

I'm not giving up. I will do whatever I can in order to change my life for the better. Along the way of course, I will help all those in need and who are suffering. It breaks my heart seeing someone sad...

Almighty God, I pray for your guidance and help.

 

Aww helping the homeless, You go sweetie!!! I believe that you will make a change.

 

Computer Hug xoxo

 

Wishing you all the best with your new job

 

Sincerly Hopeful Heart

[Zulnex]

Hi Hopeful Heart. Thank you so much for the computer hug. It means so much to me and I am truly touched by your kindness. I am feeling so much better now.

 

Well, it has been quite a frustrating week to say the least. I only worked for 3 out of 5 days since the company was not too busy. I am not really happy at all with this situation and I am looking for a new job.

Being on call and waiting for the phone to ring is very frustrating. If for whatever reason I am not at home and don't answer their call, they automatically give my trip (delivery) to someone else.

For now, I will keep this job. Even 3 days are still better than none. I just hope this upcoming week will be busier and I won't have to sit at home and wait for the phone to ring ...

In my free time, I am actively looking for other jobs and have applied for quite a few of them. Unfortunately, I haven't had a single phone call or a job interview yet ...

I honestly think those gaps in my employment history are severely hurting my chances of getting a decent job. Employers don't really seem to care about my excuses (laid off - shortage of work). That depresses me a lot but I always find a way to stay positive and hopeful.

Nobody said this was going to be easy. Quite the opposite ... God please help me ... please!

Getting worried that one day I may run out of strength to fight ...

[Zulnex]

Sunday. It's time for a new journal entry.

I really don't feel like writing at all. Had a lousy week at work and got my first paycheck, which was miserable. Well, I've got no choice for now. At least, this job pays my bills and food.

My teeth are in need of some serious attention. Haven't been to a dentist in years since I have no health coverage. Simple checkup and xray cost more than I make in one day. I think that some teeth are beyond repairs and need to be extracted.

Saving money is my first priority right now. Being laid off so many times has taught me a very valuable lesson - always have money for a rainy day. I can then start saving money for my dentist appointments.

Also, saving money for the counseling sessions is very important. Can't wait till I talk to my counselor about everything I have experienced in life ...

As mentioned earlier, I honestly don't feel like writing. During the week I have been thinking about my future and what it holds for me. I am getting quite worried about it.

Am I happy with what I have accomplished so far? Absolutely no! Yes, I have graduated college but that is really not helping me at this time. My confidence has taken a very serious hit and it's time for "damage control."

It really feels like I am spiraling out of control and getting deeper and deeper into this dark and awful abyss ... The light is slowly and surely getting more distant and gradually fading ...

 

link removed

[itsallgrand]

Hey you. Hang in there. I'm sorry things are so stressful right now. Money worries are no fun. Especially when it's money worries about having enough for important life basics - like affording dental without insurance to cover it.

 

I had an issue with affording dental for a little bit there, before my work insurance had kicked in. I had to have some work done, it's expensive, and I had to pay out of pocket. Sometimes they will allow for payment plans - usually through a credit card. Something to think about; if you have a credit card. Also, sometimes, if you go through the dental school and or a main hospital emergency services, you can get a cut rate. You could look into this through either your main dentist or you could contact a community health clinic and ask them - often they will help connect people with services. Also, they could help you connect with a way to get either a cut rate or free services with the councilling. Also, if you didn't try this yet, go through your GP and get a referral for a psych or councillor. That was how I got my psych covered and I payed zero out of pocket.

 

I wish I could help you more! It's awful that you are in this situation - no one should be left struggling without some helping hands. Anyone to lean on or help you out, so you don't have to carry this alone?

 

I know you have a lot of responsibilities. Well, I am thinking of you. And I hope you are in a slightly better place today.