Ex-Girlfriend (Girlfriend of over 2 years) Liking Another Man

[rocketsyao11]

My ex-girlfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. A few months ago, we started falling into the routine of things and I was very busy with lab work and my job. We've both been in the routine. She started to fall out of love, but I am still in love with her. She fell out of love because of the fact that I was not physically there for her. She blames her indecisiveness and her need to depend on somebody since I have always been physically there for her. Right now, we are trying to work on her independence so she will not feel this way when we part for graduate school next year (2 hour drive away).

In the most inopportune moment, a guy named Shaun came into our lives 3 weeks ago and started courting her. She accepted it, and I understand that she needed the physical presence that Shaun provided.

However...she still says she loves me and cares about me, but why does she like Shaun now? She admits to liking him and they still want to hang out together, but she tells me that when the moment is right, she will end things with him. In her heart, she has concluded that she wants to be with me, but will end things with him. She has told me this, but is waiting for the time to be right to end things with Shaun (maybe 1 or 2 weeks?). Why does she have to wait? If she loved me, she would have immediately ended things, the time does not have to be right at all. Maybe this is part of her indecisiveness...

If I was in her situation and loved me, I would have immediately ended things right when the guy started hitting on me and asking me out.

And yet, a few days later, she still texts him (hourly, if not less), and wants to study with him. I feel like I am a safety net for her and I am angry about this. She knows, but I tell her that she should do what she feels is right. Most of all, I am upset that our relationship has gotten this far with these problems and that she turned to Shaun for support.

Half of me wants to salvage our relationship because I love her, but the part of me that is angry believes that she should not have fallen for another guy, even if we were getting into a routine. That part of me wants me to end my relationship with her.

I have read many articles, all favoring that I end my relationship with her...but it is difficult doing so. I don't want to...any advice?

I know I have hurt her by doing lab work, class work, my job (we are graduating from college this year and are starting graduate school next Fall where we will be 3 hours apart), but I still don't think that it is right for her to like another person if we love each other.

She does understand that I have to be physically away sometimes, but why can't she be happy that at the end of the day, it is she that I go home to? That we are together at the end of the day?

I am so heartbroken and trying to not be jealous by forcing myself to be indifferent or emotionless, but it is so difficult...

Any advice or suggestions or similar experiences?

 

Best regards,

rocketsyao11

[rocketsyao11]

Does anybody have any insight or suggestions for my situation? Questions to ask me to make me think about my situation?

Please ignore the reply above this comment...I don't know how to delete russellsmith's reply =\

[mhowe]

You are both at a time when work/school commitments may take priority over a relationship.

 

And you cannot sacrifice graduating/grad school over her insecurities.

 

Move on -- or let go.

[SpottiOtti]

Um, am I missing something here or did your girlfriend cheat on you with this other dude?

 

Are you okay with that?

[rocketsyao11]

Um, am I missing something here or did your girlfriend cheat on you with this other dude?

 

Are you okay with that?

 

Thank you for your replies.

She started falling for the other guy when we were still in the relationship. However, 2 weeks after they started hanging out, she wanted to take a break from me, so we were broken up.

I feel like that we broke up because she wanted to test the waters with the other guy and whether she can have a relationship with him. I think she wanted the break up to signify that she is single, so maybe she will not be as guilty of going out with other people and will not hurt me as much, but it still does hurt me since I am knowingly standing by as her "best friend still", while she is going after another guy.

I recently told her a type of ultimatum: If you do not cut this guy out of your life, who catalyzed our break up, I will be out of your life. I cannot accept that you are talking to him while I feel like you betrayed me with this guy, like how you cannot accept how Shaun swears or is aggressive towards you (traits that she does not like).

She could not imagine life without me (and maybe she realized Shaun is not proper relationship material), so she decided to cut things off with him and remain friends/lab partners with minimal contact.

Right now, she is still single, but is considering working on our relationship...

 

Do you think she will do this again once I enter graduate school, and when I am not physically present with her everyday, though I will visit every 2 weeks.

[SpottiOtti]

Oh, buddy.

 

I hate to tell you this, but what she is doing here is keeping you around in case she changes her mind about the other guy. She is most definitely still interested in him, otherwise she wouldn't invest any of her effort into changing him (his swearing and aggressive behavior). You are an option to her, a security blanket, nothing more. She won't let you get too far away, because she wants to have the new guy (or other guys) as an option too without dealing with the loss of you. She gets to explore stuff with him while having you as a friend too.

 

Yes, I think she will be up to all kinds of shenanigans while you are away at graduate school. But she'll still technically be single, because she'll keep telling you that she's "considering working on your relationship". Are you going to stick around and be her security blanket while she cavorts around with other guys?