What did you learn in your last relationship and What would you do differently?

[loveblindxo]

Just curious..

[BeyazGulum]

Last relationship I learned that you shouldn't hold on solely for fear of change. Last fling, however, I learned that there's a reason I don't date guys younger than me, haha.

[OptomisticGirl]

I learned I am the most selfish person in the world when it comes to my love relationships. I'm very my-way-or-the-highway type of person. I took from that and strive every day of my marriage (different guy) to try to curb that. Doesn't always work but thankfully I married a man who knew this about me and loves me for all of me, the good and bad.

[rambleon]

Don't be a doormat. Set boundaries for yourself about what you want/need from a relationship and don't settle for less. Seriously, this is the hardest thing to do sometimes. If something's not right, we tend to make excuses for it because we'd rather stick it out than be alone. But I deserve better, you deserve better, we all deserve better. You shouldn't bend over backwards for someone who isn't willing to do the same for you.

[LikeWater]

I learned that I am a fool who cannot tell the difference between an act and true love.

 

What would I do differently? I should have mirrored her actions.

[freewill1234]

What I learned, when you put more into the relationship than the other person, it means they're not really as serious about you as you are about them. See the signs, see the actions ... Words are meaningless.

[Snow93]

Completely agree with what freewill said.

 

Also, not to forget yourself as a whole person. None of that "he/she completes me". It's all well and good to be in love but you do not "need" anyone. I won't be so involved as to lose sight of who I am as an individual rather than part of a couple next time.

[Zero71]

The things I learned...

 

-Always outright dump the girl when she says she needs space or give the dreaded "we need to talk" speech.

-Never believe a girl when she says she needs to "find herself" because it just a nicer way of saying she wants someone else

-I learned to take my relationship seriously from the start instead of just focusing on getting laid

-No more long distance for a few months otherwise the girl might start looking at different options

-Trust my instincts more especially if you suspect the girl is cheating

-I learned not to put up with crap and games simply because I feel guilty of not being physically around for months

-Even if the sex is great don't put up with a woman's immaturity

-Try to avoid any young woman with a love/hate relationship with her mother

-Also make sure the girlfriend doesn't have low self-esteem and suicidal issues whenever she gets depressed

-I knew this ahead of time but never fall for the "let's be friends" line unless a certain amount of time pass

-Never put too much effort into a relationship when the other person isn't carrying her own weight towards the end

[LightAndDark]

i learned hatred

[ivywall]

I learned a very similar lesson to LikeWater; I can't tell the difference between an act and true love either. And that is even worse is the fact that I am a really in-touch person, and not self-involved, and very much so attentive to my partner and their needs. And I had NO idea it was an act. Scares me.

[wilderlove]

I learned to open myself up more and ask for help

I learned to tell partner what I want sexually

I learned I won't take on another lazy guy

I learned to love me first then everything else is cake

I learned that my gut instinct is best most time lol

I learned to never allow myself to feel worthless or to buy people's love

I learned this is my life and this is who I am...love me hate me don't underestimate me.

I learned to forgive

I learned that sometimes people just break up.

[cbzfmoc]

1. Two people in a relationship need to be their own person first. Make sure to have separate lives/separate friends too.

2. Set boundaries. Don't let partners treat you poorly (my ex would cuss me out...i would NOT stand for this in a future relationship).

3. Be as generous and supportive as you can with your partner.

 

4. I learned after the BU:

Being single is not the worst thing in the world. Sometimes when you are in a relationship for a long time the thought of it sounds terrifying, but it's really because your identity is caught up in the relationship and you will need to reclaim it as a single person.

[Nightdriver]

Not so much learned as reinforced. Reinforced that, as a wise man once said to me, "all women do is f%#! up your life."

 

I thought this one was different. She said she was. But in the end, it was a carbon copy of all the previous.

[Supersarahp]

I have learned not to sacrifice your own needs for the other person. Your own wants maybe but never your own needs because there will always come a time where you resent that and can't do it anymore.

[DepthOfField]

If you've been going out for a while, you're in it 100% or you're not.

If you're uncertain about him/her, uncertain about the future, or your heart isn't 100%, find out why and go big, or go home.

[rambleon]

4. I learned after the BU:

Being single is not the worst thing in the world. Sometimes when you are in a relationship for a long time the thought of it sounds terrifying, but it's really because your identity is caught up in the relationship and you will need to reclaim it as a single person.

 

But how do you do that?

[Slow Club]

^ ^ ^

 

To the above. By pursuing your aims and ambitions again. It took me a while to work out who I was again and to be fair, I'm not quite there yet but just try to remember what mattered to you before you were in that relationship.

 

What wasn't this thread made before?

 

I've learnt to be stronger and trust my instincts more. To not always get so emotionally attached and to take my time more. My biggest problem by far was that I allowed myself to be pushed around and completely let my emotions get the better of me.

[triangles]

I learned that I don't know as much about dating and relationships as I thought I did.

 

I learned that while having some "textbook" knowledge from books, etc. is helpful, it's actually APPLYING what I know that's important (and the most difficult).

 

I learned that if someone wants to spend time with you, flirts with you, and is obviously attracted to you, that doesn't mean they want to date you or have a relationship with you.

 

I learned that if someone is acting wishy-washy and sending mixed signals that it's best to just cut them off without any explanation and move on.

 

I learned that it gets easier and easier to just walk away.

[Kristenelaine]

If a person really cares about you there will be no lies, no excuses, and they will always make time for you. As soon as a person tells me they arent sure, I am bailing! Never be with someone who makes you doubt how they feel about you.

 

I learned to take my time when getting to know someone and to not let them in emotionally right away. Get to know the person before making things serious, or else they will always turn out to be someone I didnt know. Dont get to comfortable or feel to safe because that is when you are in the most danger.

[rambleon]

I learned that if someone wants to spend time with you, flirts with you, and is obviously attracted to you, that doesn't mean they want to date you or have a relationship with you.

 

I learned that if someone is acting wishy-washy and sending mixed signals that it's best to just cut them off without any explanation and move on.

 

Heed these words. I'm currently learning both of these the hard way...

[surfjon]

I learned I only want to date, no more exclusive relationships, they all will fail ultimately.

[stranger88]

The thing I learnt, never tell your partner what to do even if they are doing things that are completely unreasonable to 95% of people. It makes you look bad and leads you to being in the 'wrong'.

[stranger88]

I learned I only want to date, no more exclusive relationships, they all will fail ultimately.

 

I do wonder if there is any point in relationships.

 

It seems I get in them constantly, then whenever they go wrong I just feel like **** for x period of time. The relationship itself always starts of amazing, goes average, turns to fighting, then ends.

 

This is just so common I really do wonder if I want another one anytime soon

[surfjon]

Stranger,

 

I read the best book in Jan/Feb, actually read it 4 times....it just rang so true and really makes me question the validity and do-ability of a "relationship" in todays transient world.

 

"The Passion Paradox" (out of print), but reprinted as "The Passion Trap", by Dr. Dean Delis, is the book, and it was absolutely key in my being able to realize it was time for me to walk from my wishy-washy ambivalent now Ex-GF, it also renewed my hope for the future and really just allowed me to realize that what happened was really nobodys fault, relationships just become unbalanced with a clingy and needy "one-down" and the aloof, often ambivalent "one-up".

 

Once this occurs, the one-down must immediately distance, which I did.....

 

I find now, after the demise of my 20 year marriage and now the implosion of a 5 year investment, that I no longer have faith that a traditional one-on-one "exclusive" relationship can survive.

 

I plan on taking a year minimum and simply date girls. I will be up front with them, and if they can get their arms around that then fine, if not.....NEXT!

[sportsguy9981]

I learned to see red flags before things get worse and she ends up screwing another guy, and then screwing yet another guy.