help... love turned into tragedy

[carni]

i'm 19 and in love with a man, who is 33 older than me. and he loves me even more.

i was 6 when i started studying painting.

last year, after 2year pause, i went to art lessons again.

i don't know why and how, but i felt attracted to him, physically too. I wanted to stand near to him, i felt warmth or something very pleasant. it felt like i was addicted to his aura.

then i stared flirting. he liked me. he adored me. and fell in love.

a lot of people like and love me, but i left them all.for him. i stopped contact with everyone. it hurt me. he's so perfect for me, i can't be with anyone else.

when he hugs me, i feel that he's the one who understands me completely, and so does he. i feel like he is my second half. my soulmate, my everything. and so does he. he's addicted to me. we have some kind of contact without even talking. we had the same dreams, same thoughts. when we are together, we don't even need to speak, we just hug, or hold hands and that's all we need. we understand, feel each other, without speaking, without seeing each other.

he has a wife, daughters, ( older than me) and a grandchild. he's the only person in the family who works. so he can't just leave them. his wife knows about us and they have conflicts every day, or they do not speak at all. she nearly hates him, but is not going to leave.

now the situation is so bad that she forced him to leave and live with me. she said she would call my father. and tried to kill herself. and he still calls me, craves me..

situation is so unbearable that he nearly had an heart attack last week.

he feels like a stranger in his own house.

now he can't bear it anymore and wants to leave with me. what should i do?

how can i leave everything (mother sister, university, father..) and run away ?

and if i do, what will happen then?

 

i'm in pain, depressed. i can't do anything, i just sit whole day and think. and these thoughts are poisoning me. there's no one i could talk to about this. and no one would understand. they would just judge me..

i'm ready to give him everything i can, really! even to die with him, but i can't hurt my family. thats the only thing that stops me when i'm thinking of suicide.

he's perfect for me. he's the one for me. and i'll never be able to love someone else. after this ideal relationship..

he is like a father, lover, teacher, partner, friend, brother, and sometimes son, to me. i can't find a world to describe it, its amazing.

my life is ruined but i don't regret it. i just want him to be alright, healthy and happy.

i can wait, can even leave him but now it's too late, leaving him NOW would kill us both.

his life, health is ruined because of me. i cant help him and its killing me! i can't sleep, i have to force myself to eat. and can't stop wishing i was dead. we are addicted to each other, and this love is so strong, it really kills us slowly, even physically.

i never asked for advice or help. at home, i always play like i'm fine and happy, fake smiles, and then go outside and cry, i'm alone in this pain. and i was enduring it silently, secretly. but now i can't anymore.

i know there's no solution, there's no way out of this pain. but please, don't judge me, give me your opinion, i would appreciate any answer, thank you...

(and sorry for my english) thanks in advance

[zep]

I dont understand why you both are so upset? Just have him leave his wife and start a life together. It don't know what the problem is? You can still see your family, they'll get over it and forgive you.

[lavenderdove]

OK, here's the advice. This is all very dramatic and written like a romance novel, but it hasn't entered the stage of reality yet becaues you are still in the exciting 'forbidden fruit' phase of the relationship.

 

His kids are grown so there is no reason for him not to leave his wife. And they're adults so they can get jobs and work like the rest of the universe does. So no reason for him not to leave if he really wants to. He'll have to give up half his assets in a divorce and pay some steep alimony to the ex wife, but if your love is so strong, the two of you can go live in a ratty apartment somewhere and still be happy, right?

 

But why do you have to run away? You don't have to run away, he can just move out and you can live together while he continues to work and you go to school. But my prediction is once you do start living together, you will discover he has feet of clay just like anyone else and your high romance and drama will turn into a boring life of you taking care of a rapidly aging guy who wants you to cook and clean for him and who blames you for his financial distress paying alimony and giving half his hard earned assets to his ex-wife.

 

So go live your dream to get it out of your system. But don't be surprised if he's not the perfect soulmate you think he is when you start living in the real world with him. So go get it out of your system living with him for awhile. But don't 'run away', stay put and finish your school first. I suspect after a couple years living together you'll change your opinion about his 'perfection' but if not and it works out good. And if it doesn't, then you just break up and move on with your life. You're very very young and have plenty of time to date others if he doesn't work out.

[sara-pezzini]

this all sounds like romance novels, talk of dying with him and such, that is not real life, that is drama!

he could leave if he wanted to, but i predict as others have, once you two start living together the magic disappears.....

sorry sweetie, but this is not the ideal and perfect relationship you create in your head, the age gap alone, you are in two different places in your lives...

one day you will realize this and think back to how silly you were now....i have been there, usually what you think and feel and know when you are this young changes a lot over time

[PaintWithLight]

This is not real life. You are still a child. He is running for the realities of aging. You need to strip away your drama and romantic illusions and view this as the impossible situation that it is. You make statements about how perfect he is but have you even had a relationship with someone before? 90% of this is completely in your mind.

 

Break off contact with him and purse guys that are more accessible. Stop the drama and overromanticizing immediately. This is not Romeo and Juliet. It is pure fantasy and he is to blame for letting it get out of control.

[chickydoodle]

There is no need to run and hide as Lavender Dove said. If your Love is true and honest it should weather the storm of other people's judgements. If he really Loved you , he would not jeopardise your Uni studies or distance you from the Love of your parents. Romantic Love fades - so be wise and do not burn all your bridges. If he is insisting you do, then it is not Real Love.

 

In Fact if he REALLY Loved you , he would stay away from you i.m.o.

He would at least encourage you to be honest with your parents and stay ant Uni.

You need to be very careful that he is not manipulating you, in trying to whisk you away and isolate you from your support network

 

With Age Gap r'ships there is almost ALWAYS an element of manipulation. Sad but true.

 

Just be careful and trust your instinct. Deep down in spite of your romantic thinking I feel sure you have little seeds of doubt that arise when with him, .......Listen to these little nagging feelings of doubt.....

[carni]

thanks for your answer..

i agree with you, that's what i think sometimes.. why couldn't he just control the situation, he's old enough for that..

but now, he is acting inadequately, a bit paranoid,. he's jealous and in doubts, i dont know what to do. i do love him, and the relationship is really perfect so far but i coulndt live with him, if i did, he would probably blame me in losing everything he got (workshop, students, family...) he loves me but in a selfish way, like a mad..+ he is somehow a father figure to me and i'm all mixed up in this different, opposite emotions.,

[lavenderdove]

the best way to deal with this kind of situation is just to call their bluff (and call your own too).

 

Are you REALLY ready to think about living with a man who in 10 years will look exactly like old Grandpa and will be complaining how his hip and knees ache and leaning on your for support while you do all the work because Grandpa is snoozing in his chair in retirement while you have to go to work to earn the money to support the both of you because half his pension and alimony support goes to his ex-wife every month? and who gets more and more jealous because he can't get it up anymore (or rarely and only with triple Viagra) so he is suspicious that you are out with some young guy whenever you're not with him so he watches you like a hawk and won't let you do anything except work for fear you're out with some younger guy.

 

Really, it sounds nice in fantasy, but the reality is that age gap is BRUTAL and he WILL lost at least half his assets and will have to possibly pay lifetime alimony to his wife such that your living conditions are severely reduced, and you'll have to keep working forever while he has to retire for health reasons, and you're working so that he can make those monthly maintenance payments to his ex-wife. And he won't want kids because he feels he too old.

 

So in about 10 years you go from 'true love' to being a caretaker for an elderly and cranky invalid working to pay for his medicine and alimony to his ex-wife.

 

I think the WISE thing to do here is to realize this is a very strong girlish crush. Girls your age get crushes on their instructors all the time, but that is not real love it is a form of deluded adoration that will fade when you realize all the challenges that happen when you try to live with someone with as much baggage and as OLD as he is.

 

So think about that, and quit fantasizing about just your feelings for him, and look at what the reality of your life would be with him if you did start living together. There is so much more that goes into making a relationship work than just 'feelings', and it is usually the practicalities that will kill romance in a few years of the practical parts of the life aren't worked out and comfortable for both of you. And that reality in 10 years when you are still young and in your prime, will be that he is a declining old man in reduced financial circumstances because most of his assets will be lost in the divorce, and at half his income will be supporting his ex-wife til she dies if they have had a long marriage and she hasn't work in years or during their marriage.. not a pretty picture.