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Sex Is Too Familiar For Her - Can I Help To Break It?


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I've recently started having sex with my ex-girlfriend again. I'm 24, and she's 22. We were together for 4.5 years, broke up mid-December, started talking again mid-January, and we've had sex three times since talking again, on the 1st, 3rd, and 10th of this month. And although things are "supposedly" over at this point, I know the option is always there. She's even told me so, although she thinks it's for the best that we don't.


I talked to her on the 11th, because there's been another guy in the picture for her. She's only been seeing him casually, but she'd been acting kinda weird about him, and my only stipulation during this whole "Friends with Benefits" thing has been that I want to know there's exclusivity. As in, I'm not keen to the idea of her doing whatever with me one night, then being at his place another night doing whatever. She said she could do that at first, but after a little while, started feeling like she wanted to see how things would go with him, and that's why she said she wanted to end things sexually with me.


Now, she's not all gung-ho about this guy, as I found out last night. She recognized potential there, but she's still got to be won over. If the whole idea here were her just to get new sexual partners, she could have sex with him now if she wanted. But she's trying to do things right, and let things build naturally.


One of her big things right now is that she specifically doesn't want a boyfriend right now. She's not looking for a relationship, because we just ended a very long relationship about 3 months ago now, and she wants some time alone to figure herself out some more. If anything, all she's looking for right now in guys is casual encounters and maybe some sexual experiences IF things build to that point. Which is what she and I had been doing for the week we had sex.


I had a long talk with her last night so I could be completely accepting of her choice to pursue the potential with him (which I am now that we've talked) vs the guaranteed good thing she had with me (and even admitted that it WAS good, no doubt), and came to learn that I did nothing wrong at all during this time we've been talking again. She even admitted that she's attracted to me again, and not just on a physical level, but a behavioral level as well. And behavioral attraction is what she lost during our relationship, leading to her falling out of love with me and breaking up with me.


So the attraction is there, all the problems from the relationship have been completely fixed, and the sex we've had she said was nothing short of mind-blowing and orgasmic bliss. The spark is back and burning brighter than it has since before April 2010 (when we both started falling into depression). BUT, there's just one problem: Familiarity.


Not to be confused with predictability, as she admitted that things weren't predictable and definitely felt different to an extent. Although, the sex never got wild and crazy and something we'd completely NEVER explored before, since I was trying to build to that. And also because I never EXPECTED to be having sex with her the times it'd happened either. It took me by surprise as well. But the problem was familiarity. We had sex for about 4 years straight, with no other partners. As different as things might be now (which they DEFINITELY are), there's still an aspect of familiarity because we know each other bodies and how they work, even if we're doing different things than before.


So I'm assuming a big factor here is just time. Again, we only had sex with each other for 4 years, and it was only about 2.5 months since the breakup that we started having sex again, and she hadn't had any new sexual experiences in that time. I had one, but it wasn't great. Irrelevant though. The thing is, the familiarity doesn't bother me. Maybe that's because I'm a guy. But for her, everything feels explored to an extent. Even if we do different things or whatever, the hot buttons and switches for each other are still the same.


So I say I assume time is a factor, because over time, we'll lose some of that familiarity with each others' bodies and things will become a little more unexplored then. Also, because with time, she may become more okay with the idea of a familiar sexual partner again. Maybe even wanting a relationship again, which we've proven to each other over these last 7 weeks can completely work, if it's something in the future we both want to pursue.


But is there anything I could do to help expedite this process of breaking the familiar feeling? I realize no matter how much I *might* be able to help with this, it's still going to take time, so I'm not asking for a magic "Fix Everything Right Now" button.


In the past, she's been used to the idea of having sex pretty much whenever she wanted. Now that things are different, if I deny her for a bit should she try further with me from here out, that might turn things around a little bit in her mind, but she also would have to get to that point as well.


So does anyone have any good ideas, tips, or tricks for helping to break the familiarity feeling, or is that just something that she's going to have to want again before things can work even in a FWB aspect between us?

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OP- she is taking it slow with the other guy and she can because she is having sex with you or least that's what she tells you. Is this what you want to share her with someone else. Tell her either to be serious about making work with you or hit the bricks. You right now are nothing more than a safety net.

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I appreciate the "concern," but I'm fine. The day she ACTUALLY broke up with me was Easter last April. I went through all the devastation then.


I called December our breakup because we still lived in the same apt and slept in the same bed until the lease ended in December, and had a "FWB" thing going that whole time. I use quotes because I hadn't changed enough, still needed her, and was desperately trying to cling on to the past relationship. So for all intents and purposes, and we both agree on this after the fact, our breakup was December.

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OP- she is taking it slow with the other guy and she can because she is having sex with you or least that's what she tells you. Is this what you want to share her with someone else. Tell her either to be serious about making work with you or hit the bricks. You right now are nothing more than a safety net.


We're not having sex anymore. She ended that Monday night. And we'd had a talk about exclusivity. I said my one stipulation was that she couldn't be physical with anyone else while we were doing this. She agreed and said that was completely understandable. She felt the same way.


She knows being between two guys was incredibly unfair, immature, and only made matters confusing. Said so herself and broke down crying in front of me about it. She's not serious about "making it work" with me because she's so confused about things and isn't looking for a relationship (currently). She also said what we had going on in this current situation felt too much like a relationship in a sense. As far as looking for casual sex though, a different story apparently, if the situation is correct.


If she thinks she can rely on me as a safety net, she's got a surprise coming her way when I'm too busy with my own life to help her, considering her lack of dedication.

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Again, I understand that you guys are trying to help me, but believe me when I say that everything that's happened and is happening has been covered in extensive conversations with her, analyzing on my own part, and advice and input from trusted sources. I know EXACTLY what I'm getting myself into, no matter which way things go between us from here out.


I don't need help with assessing what's going on in my situation. I had a question in my initial post that I actually want a real response to if anyone's willing to tackle it.

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