Divorse

[sisterlynch]

How do people feel after they have left someone?

 

I have seen a lot of people recommending divorse over what i would consider petty issues...like internet chatting, receiving calls and emails from an ex. Those are all issues that you can deal with if you have the right amount of energy.

 

It makes me uncomfortable to see people who recommend divorse or breaking up too lightly.

 

My question is, how do you feel after a divorse, whether you are the one that originally started the problem or not.

 

It takes two to make a relationship work or fail, we tend to victimize ourselves in order to receive comfort from others. Where did we fail? Do we ever ask ourselves how we are contributing to the downfall of the relationship??

 

Just checking...like a reality check...

[dirtbubble]

Wedding vows are promises we make not only to the other but to ourselves and everybody in earshot. Every promise we break hurts us, even when we are justified. Divorce sucks for so many reasons, and should be as serious a decision as getting married in the first place. As many people who divorce too quickly, there are at least that many who hang on too long in situations that are damaging.

 

My opinion is that one instance of violence is enough to warrant divorce. Many other problems--lies, infidelity, in-laws, toilet seats and toothbrushes--can be worked through if both partners have love and will to compromise, grow, and change. But when one partner is going left and the other right, a split seems unavoidable.

 

Having children make divorce a million times harder, by the way.

 

Breaking up? It's not the same. The promises are not the same. Mostly silly hearts broken, that's all.

[DBL]

I have had mixed feelings on breakups...sometimes I was very upset and depressed, and other times I felt freedom and that I had a whole world ahead of me once again. Let's face it, even though the interviewing process of the dating scene sucks, there is still that excitement in starting something new.

 

I don't recommend splitting unless I see signs and patterns. There are just certain situations where the relationship stopped prospering. Why prolong issues that are known to be stereotypical signs of problems? I look back and I could of saved myself a lot of grief by bailing on relationships earlier when I seen the signs, instead of thinking I can work through them. I would of had the same results without wasting my precious time and being irritated by the results to come. Hiding emails, chats, calls, etc...those are just tell tale signs that something is not right.

 

They say it takes two to tango, but that does not mean that it has to be both peoples fault in a split. Sometimes the love just disappears...not that anybody did anything wrong...just happens. I dated a girl for a while and we just fell out of love...there were nobody else we liked.

 

Now I can't say how I will feel after divorce, but I will be able to comment on it early next year. In the meantime...our first split I felt I did not treat her right and made a valiant effort to fix my wrongs. However I realized that it was not all me that did wrong in the relationship, that she played just as large a part in the relationship not working. The truth is...I can have my wife back tomorrow. My marriage does not have to be over. It would be easy for me to just go back to my wife. However I know we can not fix what has been done. The marriage will never be prosperous, our problems we had will never go away.

 

So what is harder? Knowing you can go back anytime, and making the decision not to based on knowing that things can not be resoved? Or making the decision to not go back because your significant other does not want you? From what I read here, I would say most people in my situation would run back to their significant other if the chance was there like it is for me. I don't have to be alone like I am now. I do what I preach. If the relationship is not healthy it is time to move one, and face the consquences in front of you.

 

DBL

[sisterlynch]

You both make excellent points, thank you.

[Mun]

I have a different set of circumstances because I left my ex because he was violent.

 

After the divorce it took me 3 years to heal and finally date someone. Not because I loved him so much but because my trust was shattered. How could someone I loved hurt me like that? He was supposed to be my best friend.

 

I have done so many things since then that I know I am an entirely different person. Had I stayed with him I would now either be dead or living as if I was. It was the worst kind of hell to live with someone like that. I will never do it again.

 

He is gone from my life and my children's life, he has another family now. I am very happy about that too and I am happy for him... believe it or not.

 

I have a great life, really, divorce was the only answer in my case. No regrets whatsoever.

Love

[sisterlynch]

I read that phenomenal woman poem by the way, it was really good.

 

I think it helps to think of the after affects of losing someone in your life, some are good some aren't so good. Someone said that it is a big choice to leave someone or you may end up feeling dead inside, these are very profound statements!!

[melrich]

I think DBL makes some great points. I don't think that anyone really takes divorce lightly, it sometimes just seems that way, like seperating over internet chats etc. Really that sort of issues is usually just sympomatic of other problems in the relationship, usually as DBL says simply falling out of love.

 

Having been through a divorce myself I can tell you that it is one of the most difficult things you will ever face in your life. I still cannot put my fingeron exactly why my marriage failed, the best I can come up with is that we fell out of love. You will often here people say that you should have worked harder, things weren't that bad etc. But the truth is you cannot force yourself or another person to be in love, it is either a state you are in or you are not.

 

Many people will stay together for the sake of the kids or for financial reasons but they will usually not be happy and I for one do not think anyone should have to compromise their lives to that extent. I also tghink that staying together is actually the easy option, seperating is a very difficult decision and mental process. Don't ever think it is easy or done light heartedly, it may look so from the outside but I can assure you it is a terrible experience to go through.

[sisterlynch]

Don't get me wrong, I just wanted to see the other side of the issue. I have been thru a lot of those internet issues, to think of losing my husband over a misunderstanding, that makes me feel weird about trying to addess divorse or leaving someone who is in pain or just living out some fantacy.

 

There are many options in life, divorse is equal to giving up in my opinion.

 

I am sure that isn't a popular opinion around here, hey, I for one like having someone there for me and me alone, which single and divorsed people don't have.

 

Sorry to disaggree!!

[melrich]

Hi Sisterlynch,

 

Well you are not really disagreeing. As I said many people stay in marriages for the kids or security (financial or emotional) and that is one option though as I said I do think it is the easy option. It is never a very healthy place to be, to stay in a relationship because you are scared to leave but it is a perfectly understandable place to be.

 

Some people are stayers, some people are leavers. I don't think either option is easy and leaving is definitely not giving up, that is too easy a label to put on it. Like DBL I could go back to my ex wife and often it is very tempting to do so (financial and emotional security). The hard road is to stay separated. Why do I remain separated? Because our marriage was unhappy, we had fallen out of love and were more like room mates than lovers. Neither of us deserved to be locked into that situation for the rest of our lives.

[sisterlynch]

I know that this is going to be difficult to say, but how do you now feel about your exwives?

[DBL]

I don't look at my future x's views. She wants to be back together, but does not want to reach a compromise. I compromised last time and did things that go against everything I have stood for in my life..while she just took everyting I gave and wanted more. She sent me an email a few weeks back saying that things will be good if we get back together and that she will take care of me, but that I should know that everything has to be her way. I mean...what kind of options is that?LOL

 

She don't know her own views...how so I don't bother thinking about it.

 

DBL

[Mun]

You know what syster, even with everything I have been through-- I still believe in marriage. I think divorce is the last resort and should be.

 

Maybe I'm the eternal optimist, but I believe in being faithful and staying true to the marriage vows until death.

 

I think I just made a bad choice.

 

ex wives? They are ok.

[sisterlynch]

It sounds like she just needs to grow up. It can never be only one way or the other. Marriage has to be a comprimise, that is all that it is, that is why it feels ok after all these years to go thru the bad and the good together. How could I give love to others if it didnt start somewhere.

 

 

Our emotions give power to others. Our beliefs in our own good give power to others to trust in us, right?

 

Anger, hate, frustrations, those are powers that we give to others...What if we gave our love and forgiveness instead??

[olderthanu]

i was divorced in may of this year, but the thought came into my head 4 years before, but i tried and i tried to make it work, until i ran out of ideas.

the fact was that it simply wasn't going to work out. i had become nothing, "i" no longer exsisted.

 

We only get one life, i didn't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like that, it was still not a choice i made lightly.

 

i didnt feel guilty, as i know i tried my best and me and the children are alot happier now. (they now have a real dad, because he now makes time for them, and a more contented mum has to healthier)

 

what i did feel was anger, that i had wasted so much of my life. i am over that now and am 100% convinced it was the right choice for all of us

[sisterlynch]

you seem to have moved forward very easily, so I sense that you have made the right choice for you and the others in your life. Content, and a bit of anger, seem right on for starting over and moving forward. Good Luck, go in peace!!