I'm so very lonely...it's painful at times

[Poppies]

Hi

 

I haven't been here for a while. My life has been a series of upheavals over the last 5 years..and all I want is to be settled now. And it seems that everyone around me is seemingly settled and I just can't seem to arrive at steady employment, stable home and life within. My mental health has been very fragile as a result of a break up and various upheavals. I'm starting to go out now, applying for permanent full-time jobs and I knwo where I want to live. But these things are just not falling into place to me. To be honest, I'd like another relationship - that's what I'd like more than anything else. I've been single for 3 1/2 years - met someone about 18 months ago who was a bit older than me (I'm 49 now and he's 51) but he turned out to be rather strange, controlling, a bit intimidating but I was attracted to him and now, I'm doing my best to try to keep away from him but finding it difficult. He lives in my building too. I believe he has serious issues with women from the way he spoke to me in just the short time we were together....I look at him and think 'what do I see in you'..He'd turn no heads walking down the street but there is a big draw for me. I think I am just so very lonely and he's the only man around and his masculinity (he's quite an authoritarian type and very confident on the surface and self-contained) makes me feel safe.

 

I think I just want to try to connect up with someone and he's the only person in recent years that I've connected with (physically if not really emotionally as he seems to find intimacy difficult). I just hate being single and don't hold out much hope at my age. Although I'm told I don't look my age I know that the stess/lack of sleep of these last couple of years have taken their toll.....I just need some love in my love (and please don't tell me to love myself!). I miss kisses, holding hands, sex, having someone to cook for, watch tv with and spend weekends with.. I really am fed up with being single. I panic sometimes being on my own, knowing my life is not settled at the moment and a bit precarious as there are things to sort out with my job/house/finances etc. I have the offer of work somewhere else but it means that I'l lhave to live there in the weekend and try to keep my current appartment for weekends...maybe find a flat mate. I'm just fed up with not having a settled life - home and partner..but I'm so scared that the latter won't happen. I don't go out looking desperate I don't think - I've been out with a social group and had a nice time but I am so worried that I'm too old to make the life I want and that thought really upsets me an dI do get panciky and very anxious about the future..I hate being aand living the single life.

 

That's it - thanks for listening/reading. Sorry for going on so long but just had to get it out. It would be nice to hear from ENAs - as always.

[Ms Darcy]

Some people live their lives single and happy. Instead of saying you should love yourself, I will say what do you need to do in order to be happy with your current life continuing for an indefinite period?

[Poppies]

Some people live their lives single and happy. Instead of saying you should love yourself, I will say what do you need to do in order to be happy with your current life continuing for an indefinite period?

 

Hi Mrs Darcy

 

Thank you for your reply - that sounds very logical. But the heart does not respond to logic. I always hoped in a relationship that it would last for ever, especially my first one, but that was not to be. The thought of being alone for the rest of my life feels so final and so isolating and lonely. No connection with someone on an initimate level is so very hard and that makes me panic - the lack of warmth/of closeness/the bond between two people. How do I come to terms with that? Why does that seem so hard to achieve in life.....others have it, and I would like it to. I envy those people who have been together a lifetime, how cosy. I know that it is not always rosy, and there are things that go on behind closed doors etc but, still......Life on your own is hard.

And how do I stay away from a man who can be callous and rude, when he is the only man vaguely in my life?

[Klokwurk]

Put other men in your life. They exist!

[cocoon2012]

Before any relation we need to be mature!..Do you consider yourself a matue woman?...

[Ms Darcy]

Is it helpful to you to resist your state (singlehood)? It doesn't sound like it has helped you. So I repeat that question from the previous post ...

[Poppies]

Thank you for your replies.

 

Klokwurk - not from where I'm sitting! Eligible men around my age, where there is mutual attraction.....intelligent, sane, etc etc etc.......I admit I haven't made a huge effort to find men but in my small attempts, nope. It's just demoralising to try with some hope and then feel there is no-one...almost feel like not bothering at all. Don't know which is worse - disappointment either way. But thanks for putting some hope my way, in any case, as it sounds like you are certain they are out there...somewhere.

 

Cocoon - I have my shortcomings, that is true - like everyone else, I would say. Some more so than me but who are in relationships. Maybe I could do with further maturing, I've changed A LOT in recent years, been forced to, but I think I am ready to meet someone now. I want to create a good life with someone, give and receive love..had high hopes it would be the man upstairs, until I got to know him...it is very, very disappointing. I never thought I could feel that attraction again but then the rest just wasn't there..

 

Ms Darcy - I think I've been single for a long time now - 3 1/2 years. I don't think I'm resisting it, more that I've had enough of it now and don't feel hopeful it will change. It's just better to have intimacy in your life, than not.

[cocoon2012]

Do u Do regular workout?

[Poppies]

Do u Do regular workout?

 

Even though I say so myself - I have a very nice figure. I'm slim...and, as I say, I don't look my age although I do look tired and drawn but then I don't sleep well as have too many worries. The thing is I look far better for my age than most men of my age do.....I would hope that at this age I could find a man who is not so shallow as to be just attracted to only looks and would want a bit more of a package. Hopefully, a 'mature' man in all senses of the word....although again, I think they might be few and far between and snapped up very quickly.

[zep]

Even though I say so myself - I have a very nice figure. I'm slim...and, as I say, I don't look my age although I do look tired and drawn but then I don't sleep well as have too many worries. The thing is I look far better for my age than most men of my age do.....I would hope that at this age I could find a man who is not so shallow as to be just attracted to only looks and would want a bit more of a package. Hopefully, a 'mature' man in all senses of the word....although again, I think they might be few and far between and snapped up very quickly.

 

This question has a more implications than your figure and how you look. Did you answer? Do you workout?

[Poppies]

If you mean that it is a good place to meet men - well, that has never worked for me. Is that what you meant?

The answer is yes, I do work out and have done regularly for years. I'm actually thinking of cancelling my current gym membership of 10 years! as in the last 3 months I haven't been once as been too busy with other things and it feels like I might as well be throwing the money out of the window, which I can ill-afford. And to be honest, at my gym there is a large percentage of gay men. It's very obvious. I like gay men but obviously not for any kind of intimate relationship...

Maybe I'm doing something wrong...I don't know, I'm at a loss? Maybe I'm not as good at eye contact as I should be or something.....If I see a man I like, I do admit that it does make me feel very nervous....What do you do if you see someone you like in a cafe, for instance? Make eye contact? smile? I've heard of women saying that men approach them in public. Men have never approached me in public. I feel like there might be something I don't know.

How do you know whether to approach a man or smile, or not....I don't want to come accross like some sort of desperate maniac?

I also feel that single, straight, eligible men my age either don't want a relationship and are happier single, or just want sex, or want someone younger..

Initimacy is a basic human requirement but, paradoxically, it seems so hard to achieve...even in friendship sometimes. Or maybe it is just me....

[cocoon2012]

Daily workout is not only about physical fitness..it is more about regularly creating and maintaining life from within...if we don't creat life from within we will need to import it from outside and it is exactly where our relational problems starts...

[cocoon2012]

By gay men if you mean those who are not opening their zipper to everyone yes there are still people who first think and then acT!.... U sound like beiNg a good girl and my biggest Advise for u is TO LIVE YOUR CENTER OF GRAVITY!...that is where you can mate and create...

[Poppies]

Er........, no....., by gay men, I mean men who are gay. ie: men who have intimate sexual relationships with men.

And I am not a hermaphrodite, thank you.

[HeatherB]

Maybe I'm doing something wrong...I don't know, I'm at a loss? Maybe I'm not as good at eye contact as I should be or something.....If I see a man I like, I do admit that it does make me feel very nervous....What do you do if you see someone you like in a cafe, for instance? Make eye contact? smile? I've heard of women saying that men approach them in public. Men have never approached me in public. I feel like there might be something I don't know.

How do you know whether to approach a man or smile, or not....I don't want to come accross like some sort of desperate maniac?

Of course you smile. And you make friendly eye contact. You do whatever it takes to show that you are not busy and are safe to approach and talk to. A good tip, Cosmopolitan magazine sounding as it may be, is to wear something eye catching to make it easy for men to come up to you and say something funny. Like flashy glasses or a clever, easy to read statement t shirt. Be welcoming and give guys lots of good excuses to talk to you.

 

Another idea is to get a dog. a) you get unconditional affection, which makes your heart feel less desperate and b) when you walk the critter, you can socialize with male dog walkers and there's an automatic topic of conversation.

 

Don't worry about whether a guy is interested. Men hardly ever even realize when you're flirting with them. "Does she like me or is she just being nice?" If you keep talking with all sorts of men in a friendly way, at least a few of them will want to take things further. At that point if you're enjoying yourself, go with the flow. Those who don't respond are just busy or taken or happen to strongly prefer some physical type or gender or personality that you're not.

[Poppies]

Thanks HeatherB. I think that perhaps I may have to be a bit more confident in myself. (And, please, no mention of the gym from anyone at this point!) Unfortunately, a dog is not an option for me - I live in an appartment and have a cat.

 

It's really not an easy thing - getting together with someone - at any age but possibly more so later on in life...there are so many aspects that need to come together.

 

I feel really let down by the man upstairs I think...you know, you feel so hopeful, so excited, that someone who is older, will be wise and would know how to be in a healthy, long term, loving relationship....would have less issues, or worked through them and at least be able to manage them/have some self-awareness. But then it comes crashing down when someone's personality starts to emerge and you start thinking, what the HELL is going on here.....?!

 

I don't know, it all seems like such hard work. I feel a bit better this weekend but I know I will encounter the horrible feelings of loneliness again - they come and go but never disappear.

I like your signatures by the way - all very true.......

[Ms Darcy]

My mental health has been very fragile as a result of a break up and various upheavals. I'm starting to go out now, applying for permanent full-time jobs and I knwo where I want to live. But these things are just not falling into place to me.

 

I think this might have more influence on your single status than your looks.

[Lucy3]

Poppies- Have you tried online dating?

[Poppies]

Lucy - I moved away for work over a year ago and on the advice of a colleague I put up an outline profile of myself and waited to see who would contact me. It's what she did - she didn't actually join until someone she liked the look of contacted her and she met a really nice guy. But then she is nearly 20 years younger than me so I think the age makes a big difference.

When I tried it, I have to say that I had no inclination to contact one single man who contacted me - not one did I find remotely attractive. It was more demoralising than anything so I am keeping away. I just got the impression that there were a lot of desperate men out there, some of whom I wouldn't find particularly interesting or nice to have as a friend let alone a lover. And some of them couldn't string a sentence together or hadn't even bothered reading my profile.

 

I may need to try a different website but to tell you the truth, I've heard so many bad things about on-line dating - married men, weirdos, men who just want sex not a relationship (I'm talking about middle aged men in particular here). I wasn't impressed with my first foray. Let's face it - most eligible middle aged men are more confident and can pick up a woman at work, in a cafe, bar, library, shop, social event etc...and don't need to go on-line. All they need to do is smile and say something nice and that's it really. Unfortuantely, I work in a female dominated sector.

 

Ms Darcy - that's not helpful. A constructive comment would be though. I know that I am a bit fragile still - I have been through a lot in recent years. With very little support as i am not in the fortunate position of having a loving family around me. And I can't tell you how hard it has been at times.

I think that is part of the reason I fell so hard for the man upstairs - I was very vulnerable. But my situation should not be impacting on whether I meet someone. I met my last (very nice partner) when I was also in difficult circumstances. I know of two women who also met very nice partners when they were at a very difficult time in their lives who cared for them and they both helped eachother to create a nice life together - I'm not sure which aspect of my situation will be influencing my single status exactly?

[Lucy3]

I understand, i am in my mid- late 20s and i have had the worst luck with online dating, encountered a bunch of weird guys, met some with issues and many on the rebound. I know exactly what you mean about online dating. Some people seem to meet their 'one' online but from the experiences I have had it seems literally impossible. Perhaps you could leave your profile up and casually check your mail without giving much hope to it and one day perhaps waiting in your inbox will be a nice guy, there have to be some out there!!! When i decide to get back into dating I might try and do the same.

 

Are you trying to put the man upstairs behind you? I think for as long as you harbour feelings for him you will find it difficult to meet anyone else.

[Poppies]

I understand, i am in my mid- late 20s and i have had the worst luck with online dating, encountered a bunch of weird guys, met some with issues and many on the rebound. I know exactly what you mean about online dating. Some people seem to meet their 'one' online but from the experiences I have had it seems literally impossible. Perhaps you could leave your profile up and casually check your mail without giving much hope to it and one day perhaps waiting in your inbox will be a nice guy, there have to be some out there!!! When i decide to get back into dating I might try and do the same.

 

Are you trying to put the man upstairs behind you? I think for as long as you harbour feelings for him you will find it difficult to meet anyone else.

 

Thank you for your reply Lucy. I think some lucky people can find their match on-line but I'm not sure that this is generally the case. It might be a good idea to do as you suggest and not give up hope....it's just that I think I found it worse checking my in-box and being continually disappointed, but maybe with less or even zero expectation it might be better. The other thing is it takes time and energy to then meet up and again be disappointed.

However, you would hope that there might be at least one person out there, wouldn't you? I hope you might have some better luck in the future.

 

With regard to the man upstairs, yes, I am doing my best now to try to stay away from him - not to contact him. It's taking a huge effort as, yes, I do still have feelings for him but I'm really not sure why. When I first got together with him, my gut absolutely straight away told me that things didn't feel quite right but my head and heart wanted to believe otherwise. I think your gut is your early warning system and should never be ignored, that's my lesson from this. My head told me things like 'this could be my last chance', 'he ticks a lot of boxes' (although not so much when i scratched below the surface past all of his boasting), 'we live close to eachother'...'he was also doing lots of things very right'. And my heart, well, there was a very strong mutual attraction and that's very difficult to ignore. The first time he tried to intimidate me I should have just left but you try togive people the benefit of the doubt, especially when they are subtle/joke about about the intimidation when questioned, and it is balanced out with very good things.

I think it might be because there is no other man in my life and I am feeling so lonely and despondent about this. I really need men in my life, even if it is just as friends but much moreso in a relationship. I need the masculine side of things - I relate to it well and it makes me feel better.......If I could have even a good male friend, it may help take my mind of this guy.

[Mamaknowsbest]

Poppies - it is possible that the reason why you are finding the guy who lives in your building appealing is because in a small way you feel like he is your only hope at not being alone. As you already stated he is the only guy that has paid you attention at the moment and something feels better then nothing at all. The thing is is that I'm glad you have walked away from him. Staying with him would be an empty and sad victory that would crumble your beautiful self esteem away.

 

Have you tried volunteering? Do you go to church? Or do things where you could possibly meet someone new? If the only thing you are doing is staying at home or staying on the same fruitless dating site then you need to reach out into different territory to bring in love. Finding love is tough no matter the age..it's just the older you are the tougher it gets in some ways. I'm 35 and feel the same way. I wonder sometimes if I will die alone and not because guys don't ask me out or find me attractive as much as I have attracted the wrong guys. My daughter is my concern and I will not compromise on that.

 

I wish you be best of luck on your search for love. He's out there..try and get yourself out there more.

[Poppies]

Oh gosh - thank you for such a thoughtful, kind reply. It's brought tears to my eyes, and really resonated with me - especially such a lovely, poetic sentence... 'staying with him would be an empty and sad victory that would crumble your beautiful self-esteem'. I think that somewhere deep, deep down I know this. And yes, actually, I think you're right, the guy upstairs is the only man that is within my reach, and so feels like he is my only hope, otherwise I would be alone. And in some bizarre, dysfuncional way he does feel better than nothing at all.

 

I am starting to get out more, I have kept my world very small in recent times as I have needed to feel safe. I will try to do more and it will be small steps.

You know, I think we all attract the wrong guys - there are a fair few out there to attract, let's face it. Even women who, seemingly have everything to keep them strong: little to worry about in life, have successful careers, secure finances, etc etc attract the wrong man. I'm thinking of Rhianna (the singer, I think have that right?) and there are others. I especially think that if a woman is feeling vulnerable or low, she is an easier target and falls 'in love' more easily. Whereas if and when she is feeling stronger - she will just walk away. Please don't wonder about dying alone, that is too sad - I have felt the same at times. I think we both could use some luck in love and maybe we both will have to do some things differently.

Your daughter is very lucky to have such a perceptive and devoted mother, indeed for you both to have eachother.....Thank you again for reading and replying. I wish you all the best in your search too. I think it sounds like we both should be attracting good men.

[candyapplle123]

Poppies, you are not alone in your loneliness, I am 46 and many times I feel alone and I have a male friend that calls but I am not in a relationship where I can date and depend on a significant other. Many times the men our age want women in their 30's and even though my male friend is three years younger than I am, I know he dates women younger than him as well. It is hard for us as women because we desire one relationship that is monogamous and committed while a man likes to date various women and play the field. I work a lot of hours during the week and on the weekends if I don't work, I do housework, laundry and talk on the phone because I don't have money right now to go out and I don't have anyone to go out with.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't know how this plays out in your real-life dating situations, but just as much if not more than your physical appearance, your emotional stability impacts how you interact with and react to the world. If you have been fragile, vulnerable, and going through upheavals, that can impact potential partners in many ways and they may not even consider you a real long-term potential partner from the get go. They may see you as needy or insecure and that can ruin any attraction towards you.

 

In my experience, comparing myself to others has never really improved my situation. I used to weigh a lot more than I do. I had friends of every size who could attract great guys and yet I didn't. It wasn't until I lost the weight when I could. But I became a stronger person - inside and out - and that is what mattered most.

 

I would recommend strengthening your friendship circle and working towards getting more of the love you need from that arena.