Not sure how to go on...

[Lou2013]

I’m completely heart broken to say the least, I'm in such a bad situation, going through a breakup and it’s really hard. It’s been a week now, I was with my partner in a same sex relationship for 9 years (since I was 20 years old and she was 18). It was my first ever relationship and I really saw myself spending the rest of my life with her. I’m 29 years old now and shared my life with her, took on her baby when we met and we brought him up together (he sees me as his other parent and is now 10 nearly 11 years old).

 

 

Throughout our relationship it has been difficult, she lied to me all the time and has cheated in the past but I love her so much that we would always try and work it out. Always in the back of my mind I knew things weren’t right and I was trying to keep her happy the best I can. I always paid for everything, holidays, her education, made sure we had a nice home, basically gave her all my love and she wanted for nothing. I thought we were a family but last Thursday she dumped me by text message when I was on my way to work, I felt like the ground had just swallowed me up and have since been completely devastated. That morning I had just transferred money to her account to help with her bills and then I get this message saying that I’m pathetic and she doesn’t love me and has someone else. It was only the night before she was telling me how much she loved me and cuddling up. She had been seeing a girl behind my back, I knew she was as I confronted her but she assured me that she wasn’t and that she loved me and that she would never hurt me again ( well that was a lie).

 

She moved this new GF in the house the same day she dumped me and into our bed, into my home I furnished and paid for, now I’m left with nothing (living in my old room at my Mams, in debt up to eyeballs and feeling completely like a mug (can’t believe I put up with it, all the lies). She won’t even talk to me, apparently she is not ready, even though she dumped me and ripped away my life. I since found out that the girl she has been cheating on me with has just been left a big sum of money from her recently diseased and think this may be what ‘xxxx’ is after. I generally love her that much that if she is happy than fair enough however, I’m very anxious and have panic attacks, especially when I wake up. Feel like my chest has been ripped open. It’s been a week now since the break and feel like if I could just have a conversation with her to have closer it would help make things better. We have our son who I have still been seeing so we are going to have to communicate at some point. I just feel that it’s a cheek that she won’t talk to me; she is holding all the cards. It’s like she doesn’t want me to move on, if she did then why won’t she just give me 5 mins? The girl she is with now is a complete minger and I know that she is probably only using her for her money as I don’t have any, any more. I do feel so alone and it’s only been a week but I am not sure how much I can take.

[rambleon]

Um this girl sounds like a total leech... AND a cheat. I know she's been a huge part of your life for many years but the whole thing sounds incredibly toxic. Now you have the chance to take your life back one step at a time. It's gonna be so painful for a while, but once you emerge from the fog you will realize you are better off. I'm really sorry for your loss though, I dated someone for years as well and the breakup was the hardest thing I ever had to go through.

[Lou2013]

I can see that it is for the best but it’s so hard because I have such strong love for her. I have wrote a list of the good and bad things of the relationship and the only good thing that I wrote was that she made me feel calm and relaxed (when she wasn’t lying and being abusive). There is a whole list of bad points that I have in black and white but even though I read them I still I find it hard to dislike her or think bad of her. I tried so hard to make it work and feel like I have failed, I feel like I will never feel normal again. It’s really helping writing the post and getting support as I feel alone, I’m trying to stay busy but I can’t switch my mind off her. I feel like I am dead inside. I know everyone is different but how long did it take you to start to feel better about things? Also did you have the chance to have closer as I feel that is what is holding me back? I certainly don’t want to be with her again, I do want her to be happy (that’s the kind of person I am, to nice). After 9 years being dumped by text message in such a horrible way, I just can’t believe that she could do that and refuse to talk to me.

[rambleon]

I can see that it is for the best but it’s so hard because I have such strong love for her. There is a whole list of bad points that I have in black and white but even though I read them I still I find it hard to dislike her or think bad of her.

 

I know that feeling... There's a song lyric that says "But everybody knows, that a broken heart is blind." It would be easier to get over them if we hated them, but unfortunately love is not all that rational.

 

It’s really helping writing the post and getting support as I feel alone, I’m trying to stay busy but I can’t switch my mind off her.

 

Yeah good call on reaching out for help, I know I used to be someone who would push all my emotions deep down and it would only delay the healing. We are all here for you and we are all struggling together.

 

I know everyone is different but how long did it take you to start to feel better about things?

 

As far as my previous breakup - We were together for 6 years (best friends for 9) and I am the one who ended it, so it's different from your situation but it still destroyed me. I cared about him very much but wasn't in love with him anymore. Unfortunately he was VERY in love with me (and still is), and breaking his heart also broke mine. It also caused me to lose my best friend, which is the hardest part. Anyway it took me about five months of NC to start feeling a bit better and to start moving on. NC is very, very important. Every little interaction you have with them will eat you up inside.

 

I would also like to recommend NOT jumping into a rebound relationship as a distraction, which is why my heart is newly broken again.

 

Also did you have the chance to have closer as I feel that is what is holding me back?

 

Not really. It didn't happen through texts, we did talk it through in person but to be honest I needed months of living with my decision before I could even come to terms with my own reasons for doing it. All I knew was that it didn't feel right anymore, and that's all he knew from me, and he still struggles with that because it doesn't feel like an actual answer. So things were left like that. I know why closure sounds really important to you right now... I mean I wish I could get closure from my new guy but he isn't willing to do that for me either. Sometimes you just have to accept that you may never know. It sucks, but that's life.

[Hurt21]

Lou, I have been through something similar (same sex relationship as well). Yes, it does hurt...terribly. I think your situation may be a little worse than mine. Anyway, this girl sounds like a user to the fullest. Not only that, but she is a cheater as well. You can do SO much butter. You deserve SO much better (I know you can't see that now). You did everything to contribute to the relationship. She did nothing, and really only seemed to be in it because you were a financial support to her. I think in the long run this will be a blessing in disguise for you as you will no longer have a user/cheater and an all-around bad person in your life. I think God seperates you from people in your life who are not for you and a hinderance to you. Please try and look at it that way. You really don't need somebody like that. Nobody does. You seem like a very good person and girlfriend. I have no dobut that you will eventually find someone better for you and someone who will give as much to you as you give to them.

 

I know you want to talk to her, get her to explain things. But I think you should just take a step back from this situation and stay away for awhile. Perphaps implement No Contact as a means to calm down and gather yourself. Just give her space and respect the petty way she broke up with you. I think you'll at some point hear from her again.

 

Prayer has helped me alot through my ordeal. Maybe this is something you could try as well. I think it helps a great deal.

 

Really, this girl sound like a real piece of work...you don't need that. I hope in time you will start to feel better!

 

Please try and see the positive in this. Your life can be just as great if not greater without her in it. Give it time. It WILL get better.

[Lou2013]

Yes you guys are right, I do feel like I was used and that I can do so much better and that in time it will get easier. To be honest, I do think it was really shallow how she approached it (dumping me by text). She does have issues that I think she needs to deal with, I have always encouraged and supported her with these but guess I just couldn’t help fix them but was good for her at the time. Feel like my mood has changed a bit for the better after talking a bit.

 

She has jumped from me to this other girl (who by the way has just come out of a long relationship as well) so they are both on rebound I guess, so more than likely it won’t work (well maybe when her money runs out). I’ll always be there for my ex, but I hope in time, once I am healed more I can have a more fulfilling relationship with someone who does love me for me (not being vein but I’m such a nice person and quite fit/good looking ect and I know I will have no problem pulling another girl). It’s just sad as I know that no-one will ever come close to doing for her what I have done for her and for our son (that gives me a bit of happiness as hopefully she will look back and realise she has lost the best thing she ever had). I do believe what goes around comes around and that really my ex is not happy inside and she is heading for a fall but still wouldn’t wish anything bad on her and do just generally want her to be happy. It hard the no contact thing cause of our son however she is basically a user so will palm him off to me whenever she can. In a way it’s a good thing as I still get to see him regularly.

[rambleon]

It’s just sad as I know that no-one will ever come close to doing for her what I have done for her (that gives me a bit of happiness as hopefully she will look back and realise she has lost the best thing she ever had).

 

That hits home, that's how my ex feels about me and that's how I feel about the guy who just broke my heart. I gave that fool everything... and look what they give us in return.

[Lou2013]

Yes that is true! The whole situation is so heartbreaking but got the rest of my life to make a change. At the min, I don't want anyone else but her (even though I said earlier I didn't want her back). I am pinning over her so badly but even though I am hurting so bad, I want her to be happy. Wish I could just turn off my emotions and begin to feel normal again. Who knows what is going to happen, the girl she is with now is on rebound, on tag, drinks super strength larger, is a chain smoker and recovering heroin addict. All of these things my ex hated, the smell of alcohol, smoke and the girl is actually quite repulsive looks and hygiene wise. That what I can’t understand, I am such a nice person in all departments and she left me for a person like that (then again she has money). She did say to me in a text that it might not last with this girl but I only hope that she doesn’t think my ex can come running back to me when it goes pair shaped. It does seem to me like it is a recipe for disaster.