Overly sensitive, jealous, and insecure. Help!!!

[mmnyc5052]

Hey everyone, thank you for taking the time to read. I'll try to be brief.

 

I am a very sensitive person. I mean, I am sensitive to EVERYTHING. I over- analyze almost everything in my life, but especially when it comes to my boyfriend. For instance, we were watching a scary movie and when the lead man went back to save the lead female, I randomly asked "would you come back for me?" and he jokingly said "nah, I'd save myself hahaha" and I got incredibly defensive. He said, "you know I'm joking, of course I would!" and I harped over it for an hour. I also recently posted about a poster he has in his room of half naked models in wet t-shirts, which I told him bothers me a lot and he doesn't want to take it down. I have questioned him over and over, almost every day, even asking the same questions, to assure myself he is not cheating or has never cheated on me...and because he's done things in the past like delete friends who are girls on Facebook, show me his FB messages, his phone, etc. to appease me, he saw that as me trying to continue to control him by taking it down. I realize the average girl wouldn't get so worked up over a dumb poster in a 24 y-o guy's room, but to me it makes me feel insecure.

 

I am especially insecure when we are out in public if he ever even glances at a girl. I find myself always looking at him to see if he notices them. If we are watching movies or TV, I get insecure about hot women on screen, thinking how he could be fantasizing about them. T

 

My questions and insecurity have made him sort of resent me, I feel. I am a mound of jealousy, even when I don't have reason to be. He does not hide his phone or sneak around - we spend almost every evening together, text all the time or talk, and he has shown me his FB messages, so I know he isn't, or doesn't really have the time, to cheat on me. He reassures me every day that I am his only one, and have always been.

 

It's a shame, because we have an excellent sex life and a strong bond but when my insecurity boils up it tends to start an argument and he is so sick of my questions. I feel as though I am hanging by a thread sometimes. There is one specific event that I question more so than others - we were long distance for the first part of our relationship, and last Halloween he went out with a friend, and while they were waiting in line a very drunk girl was all over him and flirting with him. Though he told me about the incident, and told her he couldn't do anything as he had a girlfriend in LA, and that he wasn't flirting back, it's like this one time he was hit on I FOCUS on. I asked her name, I want to know what she looked like, I want to know exactly what was said, etc. I had briefly broken up with him back in October, so we weren't officially together when this happened, and even then he held out for me (the friend he went with confirmed he didn't do anything with the drunk girl; he has a radio show and talked about the night on it and even though the friend was encouraging him and her by putting her hand on him for her, he said that after a couple minutes the girl just walked away and that was that). Why am I doing this to myself>? Why am I doing this to him?

 

He says the things I bring up, the people I bring up in his past, he would have forgotten about had it not been for my incessant questioning. Every now and then I have the urge to snoop and see if he has a fake dating profile or something, almost eveyr time I am with him I look at his text log to see if there are any suspicious texts and there aren't but I keep doing it. He never gets weird calls but I still check his call log. It's like he has done everything in his power to assure me he is faithful and only has eyes for me, yet I CONTINUE to pry deeper and deeper.

 

How do I let this go, when the facts state he hasn't cheated on me? Why can't I just take his word for it? My mom is an incessant worrier and I fear that rubbed off on me. I don't want to ruin an otherwise good relationship. I was so care free in the beginning of our relationship, but once I asked about his past (he is more experienced than I), and once I actually fell in love with him, the questions just poooouuuurrred out. And I keep saying I'll stop, but it's like a compulsion to keep asking to make sure one more time. He is very good looking, but then again so am I (not meant as conceited, I am just saying I know I am not a troll by any means so I don't think that is really the root of this insecurity and jealousy).

 

I know people will say get counseling - yes, I need to. But other than that, what advice can you give?

 

Thanks so much for reading. I appreciate any comments very much!

-Courtney

[woodsrose10]

Aw, girl----I know just how you feel! My ex-bf was kind of like yours ~ he'd make comments that I would get upset over, and he didn't see why it was such a big deal. Yes, I am a very sensitive individual---but I eventually realized that HE was the one who lacked maturity & responsibility. (I don't hate him, this was just a realization I had not too long after we broke up.)

 

Here's an article I think you will love: link removed

 

Curious, how long have you two been together?

[mmnyc5052]

Thank you TulipWriter for your comment! To answer your question, we have been together for a total of 10 months - the first eight of which were long distance. It was not easy being accross the country from him. He visited a few times, and I came home almost every month so we saw each other very often, in addition to nightly Skyping, calls and texts.

 

Yes, he is a guy, and yes, he is in his early twenties - so I don't expect him to be as mature as someone like, say, my father...who has been the manly example in my life. Sometimes I feel I expect a lot from him, as my parents expected a LOT from me and I think I tend to project that onto him. In addition to him being a strongly opinionated alpha male, that in combination with my overly sensitive nature is sometimes not easy. We have talked about this--and we both agree we can try to tone down each other's "issues."

 

True, we may not be PERFECT for each other, but every couple has their issues, so I'm not willing to abandon an otherwise good relationship over this. I also admit that I can be the cause for his sometimes abrasive retortions or jokes, what with my crazy amount of questions. I mean...he has been way more patient than most guys would I think. I'm surprised sometimes that he hasn't blocked me or just cut contact. But we love each other, and we have so much good...my insecurity and jealousy just overshadows that sometimes.

 

The article was a great read! Thanks so much for posting. I find it hard to just 'switch' and focus my energy on myself though. How can one NOT be aware or in some way insecure with their BF glancing at a beautiful girl other than themselves? I WANT to focus on me, and be the BEST me for not only myself but him as well, but perhaps I am not wired to just let that stuff slide so easily. Man, some girls make it seem so easy

[woodsrose10]

I find it hard to just 'switch' and focus my energy on myself though.

I hear you. Things are always difficult before they are easy; but practice makes perfect, right?

 

How can one NOT be aware or in some way insecure with their BF glancing at a beautiful girl other than themselves?

Yeah, it def sucks. But what YOU can do is glam yourself up & make yourself feel gorgeous; when you feel great, everyone else will respond.

 

Man, some girls make it seem so easy

Note the keyword I highlighted: Some girls make it seem easy, but probably deep down it's just as hard for them as it is for the rest of us. You'd be surprised at how talented people can be at hiding their insecurities & difficulties from the rest of the world.

[mmnyc5052]

Thanks again, TulipWriter! I'm sure you're right concerning the girls who make is SEEM easy. I don't see how it could be easy for anyone to throw a veil over it and call it a day. It does help when I doll myself up - I feel better about myself and therefore everyone else around me feels better, because I'm exerting positive energy. But even with that, I find ways to dilute it thinking, "Oh, he's seen me like this hundreds of times before, surely he's getting bored of me even if I look gorgeous, and will look for someone else..."

 

Any thoughts regarding the questioning? How to quit that? Any idea why, if he has reassured me thousands of times he has been faithful and will never be unfaithful, I keep wondering? I just can't seem to understand why even after I've seen PROOF he hasn't cheated or talked to anyone else I am still curious. I am paralyzed by the idea of him hurting me. I guess that's why the incident on Halloween sticks with me - obviously this girl was very drunk but she was touching him...flirting...even though he texted me right after it happened, and I have confirmation he never acted on anything, it still plagues my mind (like what is she was super hot? what if he was intrigued? what did he say to her? what was she saying to him to make him respond with "we shouldn't do anything because I have a girlfriend in LA"?)

 

Thanks for your support again Tulip.

 

Anyone else care to chime in?

[JA0371]

What do you do when you aren't with your bf? Is he your whole life or do you have a lot of hobbies? I personally am a person who needs personal space even in a relationship...the behavior you described would have honestly pushed ME away. Perhaps your bf prefers the clingy, insecure type? I don't think there IS anything you can do to change this, as this is inherently who you ARE. It might lessen with time and experience, but in the meantime, my best advice is to stop focusing so much on HIM and more on YOURSELF. If someone is gonna cheat, looking for 'evidence' is not going to prevent that, all it's going to do is make you insane and NOT happy. You have better things to worry about...like enjoying your awesome relationship.

[mmnyc5052]

What do you do when you aren't with your bf? Is he your whole life or do you have a lot of hobbies?.

 

 

Well, since I just recently moved from LA to back home in Virginia, I am still getting myself 'settled in'; I am currently in between jobs. So, mostly I am unpacking, interviewing, seeing my boyfriend and friends.

 

This is my first serious relationship, so I am kind of learning the ropes here. I know I need to occupy myself with my own interests; generally I am a pretty independent person, but we do spend a lot of time together because we do love each other. I think we are also making up for the fact that we had been away from each other for so long, so we are spending time together more now. I definitely don't want to come off as clingy, but I am sure I sometimes do. I really don't want to be that girl...the one who is obsessive, dramatic, clingy, etc....but I think I slowly am. The insecurity contributes to that. I know it's not good, but I feel like once I get myself out of this jealousy rut, the one where I am constantly paranoid....then the ease about not seeing him as much will come.

 

Your answers have been great. Thank you for them! But, alas, I feel like when I am NOT with him then I can't be sure he isn't looking elsewhere. I realize how deluded that sounds, but it is the truth. Many people have said "if there is no trust, there is no relationship." How do you really put your heart and feelings on the line, knowing anyone has the capability to cheat?

 

How do I stop living in fear of this, and letting it consume me? I guess I just want to know how normal people do this. I've seen so much deceit and lies and dishonesty on these boards, even between couples who seemingly had great relationships. It's disheartening. It only further proves my point...no matter what your SO says or does, or shows you, or who corroborated what story, no matter how beautiful or hot one might be...there is still the looming threat of infidelity. I most definitely don't want to be single the rest of my life due to my fear of this.

 

I want to get over it.

[woodsrose10]

Any thoughts regarding the questioning? How to quit that?

Have you heard of doing positive affirmations? (Saying a positive statement over & over again, in order to change your way of thinking/attitude?) Self-help guru Louise Hay is all about that.

 

Louise has stated, "People have said to me, 'I can't stop thinking a thought.' I say to them, 'Yes, you CAN! How many times have u refused to think a positive thought? Refuse to think negative thoughts!"

 

Google her; she's really good! I think you may benefit from counseling as well. Have you considered that?

[woodsrose10]

...the behavior you described would have honestly pushed ME away. Perhaps your bf prefers the clingy, insecure type?

 

My first long-term relationship was like this. I was clingy and needy ~ and my bf LOVED it! lol, he didn't get annoyed one bit. See, he was insecure, too---he never had a gf fawn over him the way I did, so therefore, he took it as a huge compliment that I was clingy. (Kind of interesting, huh?)

 

If someone is gonna cheat, looking for 'evidence' is not going to prevent that, all it's going to do is make you insane and NOT happy. You have better things to worry about...like enjoying your awesome relationship.

110% true!!! And guess what: Worrying just ends up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. A teacher once told my class a story about his great-aunt; apparently, she was so afraid of the date of Friday the 13th that she used to buy calendars years in advance, just to see when future Friday-the-13ths would show up, so she could be sure to "avoid" that day....and guess what date she died on? Friday the 13th!!! (lol, ok, there's a chance our teacher made that up just to be funny. Still, I wouldn't be surprised if it were true.)

 

More sayings about worrying:

1.) "Worrying is like trying to solve an alegbra equation by chewing gum."

2.) "Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair: it's something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."

3.) "Worrying is like walking around with an open umbrella on a sunny day, waiting for it to rain."

 

Has the point been made? lol!

[TheRawTruth]

I think there's a deeper issue here than you realize.

 

Is it possible that psychologically (even if you are COMPLETELY UNAWARE of it) that you may be looking to sabotage your relationship? Perhaps you're insecure and don't think it's possible things can REALLY be "this good"? Your relationship is going GREAT, yet you INSIST on looking for things that can RUIN it. If you find it you can say "See? I knew I was right all along! Guys suck. I can't trust them." Or you can stop yourself from falling harder if you can find an excuse NOW to break up. i.e. "Hopefully I can find him cheating so I can get out before I get too emotionally close that it hurts MORE by the time we DO break up. It's bound to happen. Maybe I can save myself the heartache. No guy is this perfect" etc.

 

Even if you DON'T find it, he'll get so sick of it that HE'LL dump YOU. All of these are possibilities.

 

Again, these are SUBCONSCIOUS things that might be going on. Not saying you're actively THINKING this way, NOR am I saying this is even your definite PLAN. It's just a POSSIBLE explanation for once going on.

 

But, aside from that, let's examine a few parts of your last message, shall we?

 

 

I definitely don't want to come off as clingy, but I am sure I sometimes do. I really don't want to be that girl...the one who is obsessive, dramatic, clingy, etc....but I think I slowly am.

 

My girl was like that. In the beginning of our relationship. In some ways, she still is. And, I HATED it at first.

 

She had to see me EVERY day, ALL the time. But I don't think she was worried about me cheating, she just CONSTANTLY had to SEE me! I finally called her out on it and she claimed she'd never been like this with anyone before, so it was even weird to HER. Finally, I told her to let ME be the guy to initiate a visit once in a while. As soon as we got on the phone, it was "So, am I coming over today?" Like what the...I've barely even opened my EYES! lol Let me WAKE UP first.

 

But that's how she was. And it TOOK a while for her to chill out on that.

 

I feel like once I get myself out of this jealousy rut, the one where I am constantly paranoid....then the ease about not seeing him as much will come. I feel like when I am NOT with him then I can't be sure he isn't looking elsewhere.

OK, so YOUR need to see him ISN'T as much about desire as it is preventing him from being somewhere ELSE. Your mindset is basically, "If he's HERE, I know he can't be screwing the blonde from down the street." You see him so much to stop him from cheating, at least at that time. Yeah, that's DEFINITELY an insecurity thing that needs fixing pronto!

 

Many people have said "if there is no trust, there is no relationship." How do you really put your heart and feelings on the line, knowing anyone has the capability to cheat? How do I stop living in fear of this, and letting it consume me? I guess I just want to know how normal people do this.

That's like saying you heard about a car accident on the news, so you're never gonna drive again. Or, a gas station got robbed, so you're never gonna get gas again. Is that realistic?

 

Sure, there are bad people and bad things that happen in this world. But there are GOOD people TOO! How come you can't focus on that? Why aren't you playing the "What if?" game with POSITIVE outcomes? You're so busy saying "What if he cheats? What if he finds her attractive? What if he's hiding something from me?" But you're NEVER saying "Wow, what if this is IT? What if I've really been blessed with a GOOD MAN? What if our love lasts forever?" No. Nothing like that, right?

 

You can't be bothered to dwell on the POSITIVE possibilities. And you need to ask yourself why not.

 

no matter what your SO says or does, or shows you, or who corroborated what story, no matter how beautiful or hot one might be...there is still the looming threat of infidelity.

 

This is true. There's no doubt about that. But it isn't ALWAYS true. And YOUR focus is still on the MINOR POSSIBILITY that it IS true. That there IS something bad, that there MUST be. Why? Because there's absolutely NO SUCH THING as an honest or faithful person in the world? Says who? Hell, YOU'RE being faithful aren't you? Your boyfriend trusts YOU, doesn't he? Despite the fact that there are tons of women who cheat on their men (just watch Maury if you don't believe that) and tons of women who LIE to their men, play good girls & have one night stands while out at the club, etc. he STILL TRUSTS YOU. So why can't you do the same for him? Maybe his love for you is STRONGER than yours is. He loves you enough to trust you. Your love doesn't include trust.

 

I most definitely don't want to be single the rest of my life due to my fear of this.

 

I want to get over it.

Then you need to do whatever it takes to start. Counseling or whatever.

 

Always remember, if a man is cheating, you'll see signs of it sooner or later. You won't have to LOOK for it. You'll see it. Something won't be right. They call it "Woman's intuition" for a reason. But be clear, it's NOT called "Woman's PARANOIA!" OK? Know the difference.

 

Hope I helped.

[mmnyc5052]

Wow, TheRawTruth...thank you very much for your insight. I think you might be right. I've even thought about this before, and even HE has said "are you trying to sabotage this?"

 

Before him, I didn't think I was worthy of love. I got many looks, head turns, whatever, but no one every really asked me out. My first relationship (this one) was at 23 years old. I was never asked to prom, to dances, on a date etc. and I thought it was because no one liked me or thought I was 'hot'. My friends always said it was because I was unapproachable - it wasn't because I wasn't attractive, but because I gave off this air of "stay away" and was never incredibly outgoing towards guys. So, when he came along and showered me with compliments, how much he loved me, how great I am -- I guess maybe deep down I thought it was too good to be true and he just wanted sex.

 

Maybe I'm subconsciously sabotaging because I feel like it's too good to be true. I'm so sick of looking for every little sign that could indicate infidelity on his part. I guess I always think that way because I don't feel good enough.

 

You're right, the issue is within me. I have to stop. It's exhausting, to say the least.

 

Thanks so much for your thoughtful response

[TheRawTruth]

No problem.

 

It's VERY possible that you come off as unapproachable. I know girls who've come to that realization themselves after a while. Too many women give off this vibe of "stay away" that you talked about, while at the same time, wondering why guys won't approach them. I've never understood that. Maybe you secretly wanna see which guys have the balls enough to approach you anyway. (Speaking of which, how did this guy approach you? You said you were long distance at first so I'm just curious about how you met?)

 

Also, you said you've been together 10 months. If a guy "only wants sex", he's not gonna put up with your bull**it for 10 months. lol If it was all about that, he would've sexed you the first couple times, maybe a month or so, and been done. He certainly wouldn't be showing you his call logs & everything else you're making him do.

 

Let me know things get better. I'm glad I helped. At least so far. lol