Need General Support and Guidance: 4 Months B/U and 1 Month NC...Hurting

[onestep]

Hi Everyone,

 

This community really is a huge blessing. I'm new to the forum and although I have been reading through the posts for general support, I feel that I need to share my story and gather a bit of support as times are starting to get rough.

 

Out relationship budded while abroad and with starry eyes we jumped in feet first moving in together 9 months after the beginning of the relationship. We moved back to the states, established our lives, professed our undying love for each other and desires for being with eachohter til the end. The whole nine. In all honesty, in my head it already felt like we had eloped. I was and continue to be completely in love with this girl.

 

 

 

She left our LTR and home of 3 years at the end of October '12. Things had been rocky for the last 6 months with petty arguments, distancing and overall loss of intimacy. I love her dearly, yet I realize that I had been making the stupid, immature mistakes that many mid twenties young men do in first time LTR's. I took her for granted, got comfortable and lazy, became critical and failed to give her the emotional support that a partner needs.

 

When breaking up she said all of the usual statements; "I need Space", "I don't love you anymore" and "I need to figure things out". She also got a bit mean saying things like "save it for your next gf" and not acknowledge the gravity of the situation and trying to laugh and joke it off. I feel it was defense mechanism. She also said that she felt criticized and that she thought that I was in love with the idea of her rather than truly in love with her. This is not true and it also hurt me.

 

Although I tried to give her her space, I had all of the typical reactions. Desperate, clingy, groveling attempts for her to reconsider and pity me in order to incite some sort of reaction. I was helpless, really being ripped from what had evolved into a codependent relationship in my opinion. I tried to be smart about it with LC for Nov and Dec, and although she did seem to initiate a few times, contact on her end has been at a bare minimum. I tried to re-establish contact by coming out with the most sincere apology and recognition of my wrongdoings in January. She clearly stated she wasnt ready to be friends yet and cut me off from all social networks. She said seeing me made her anxious.We were still in connection dude to settling our domestic responsibilities and moving out. It was also her b day that month, so I wanted to show her some love and thought through a simple gift.

 

Our final interactions went somewhat well (I felt the physical attraction was still there) and she expressed interest in spending a bit more of time together during our move out from the apt, yet in the end topics regarding the split couldnt be avoided and I feel I pushed her away for good. I was completely civil, yet I did let her know that I still love her and want to be with her. When I asked her if she saw a future for us, her response was, "Welllll......(pause) at this time no, yet at this time I don't see a future with anyone." I saw her twice after that conversation and on the final day she gave me a pat on the back, thanked me and left me a note letting me know I was a "good person". Very very civil, yet at the same time it hurt me incredibly.

 

We exchanged a few emails the next week that settled debts, and things were still awkward, tense and somewhat friendly. She sent the last email with a minor pleasantry showing care and thanking me, and I have not contacted her since (xcept for a minor minor hiccup). It has been a month.

 

 

 

I am now in a new apt, moving on, working on myself physically, emotionally and mentally. I have started a disciplined routine of meditation, journaling, exercise, podcasts, reading and general productivity. I am exploring going back to school and transitioning into a new job. I still think about her everyday, yet I am determined to make myself a better man. I have alot of regret and disappointment. I feel like I let her and the relationship down and I want to do everything in my power to be the antithesis of what i had become.

 

I know that i have to continue healing and become strong enough on my own. I need to be the emotionally strong man that she and/or any woman deserves. I definitely need to work on myself and I comprehend this now fully. Yet, I do love her more than she ever did realize. I miss her so much. Her friendship, love, company, personality and all of the beautiful nuances in between. She has forever changed my life and I want her to be apart of it. I know I cannot control her actions or the situation, yet I need encouragement and guidance on the best way to try to reconcile this relationship that means so much to me. I must love myself and not hurt myself in the process, yet I want to set myself up in the best way possible, regardless of the outcome.

 

 

Thanks in advance for everyone's support!

[gigginstick]

Just keep doing what you've been doing. Your through the hardest part. Just keep with that routine that your on and you'll come out on the other side eventually.

[gigginstick]

My story is very much like yours, almost to a tee. I was being neglectful of her needs without realizing exactly how much it was hurting her if that makes sense? I got lazy, comfortable, and also took her for granted. All I can say is its gut wrenching to know its your fault. Next relationship Im going to make sure I show love like they wont be there tomorrow.

[onestep]

Very gut wrenching. It's so out of my control and all I want to do is turn back time to do it all over again. I feel like such a letdown. The worst part is feeling like she just can't stand me. That I disgust her and she will only remember the negativity.

 

I month no contact and even though the pain is going away I miss her more and more everyday.

[22n32]

Similar situation man.. i took my ex for granted last couple montjs of our rel.. except my ex is pregnant with my child.. and i havent even talk to my ex in 4 weeks.. she wont talk to me or return my calls totaly cut me out .. it sucks worst pain ever..

 

Lucky u dont have kids involved.. use this as a learning leason.. be a better man for the future and future rel..

 

 

And be glad ur not in my shoes..

[ultimateguy8]

You're in a similar situation to me. My ex broke up with me in October as well and I've definitely felt regret over certain things - stupid arguments that I wish I could take back, etc. But you have to realize that you can't keep beating yourself up over those little things. I haven't talked to my ex since the breakup months besides 2 very short Facebook messages. I don't honestly know what we would talk about if we crossed paths. Maybe further down the line we could talk but honestly you need to do what I'm doing. Go no contact and don't look back. Take her words at face value and don't expect her to ever contact you again. As soon as you let go of expectations, you can no longer be disappointed.

[onestep]

You are right ultimateguy. Rehashing the past and mistakes in my head isn't adding anything of value to the present situation. I need to take it at face value and just keep improving or ill risk gettkng stuck in the past.

 

It's just such a mind warp when I am sitting at work and I sometimes feel like I'm living in some alternate reality. Like I stepped into some sort of wrong door and ended up in this new life I never wanted. The dreams are the worst part. How the hell did I get here? How is it possible for things to just drop from under you so quickly?

 

I guess I just don't quite fully understand be dumpers perspective. Especially when I was utterly convinced it was for the long haul and she was the one.

[ultimateguy8]

My only advice is keep busy with work and the other activities in your life. Unfortunately for me, I had just graduated college and didn't have a job yet when we broke up so I didn't really have anything to keep me distracted. I'm in a better place now though and hopefully going to get some offers within a week or so!

 

It always seems to come out of nowhere but there are always signs and red flags that we just fail to see because we are in love. Happens to the best of us. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love them so you have to look on the bright side (Even though it's difficult, I know) and be grateful for all the time you had together and realize that feelings change and people change. You will find someone who you love and someone who loves you so much that they're willing to spend the rest of their life with you!

[NorthDallas40]

It's just such a mind warp when I am sitting at work and I sometimes feel like I'm living in some alternate reality. Like I stepped into some sort of wrong door and ended up in this new life I never wanted.

 

Man, you are NOT alone in feeling this way. It's been 3.5 months since my ex dumped me and I've had a lot of moments like this. I've always had a great social life (including nightlife) but now I find myself in social situations I used to enjoy and wonder "Why am I even here?"

 

Because it's tough transitioning from a "settling down" mentality to a "single and ready to mingle" mindset. But in a way, you have to do it or else you won't meet the next girl.

 

Luckily it sounds like you're doing all the right things by improving yourself, so time is the only thing that's going to help. Just keep busy, take any opportunity to get out of the house so you're not left alone to stew over what went wrong, travel, and definitely reconnect with any friends you may have neglected while you were in the relationship - they'll appreciate it!

 

Stay strong brother - there's a lot of us in the same boat as you. All we can do is keep sailin' on.

[onestep]

NorthDallas,

 

Thanks for the support. It's funny that you mention reconnecting with old friends. I actually did just that tonight with my old roommate and old mutual friend of my ex and I. She was in town and asked me earlier in the week if she could crash at my place this weekend. She was very awkward when my ex was brought up in conversation...and when I asked if she would be staying with me tomorrow, she became very quiet and admitted that she would be staying with my ex!

 

It's silly, yet I felt so hurt from this given that she was my old roommate and one of the reasons I neglected hanging out with her in the past when she was in town was that my ex never seemed too excited or thrilled to hang with her.

 

What a **** night! I feel quite angry and hurt from this. A real kick to the balls.

 

All I want to do is call her...yet it's the dumbest thing to do. Just when I thought it was getting easier....

[NorthDallas40]

What a **** night! I feel quite angry and hurt from this. A real kick to the balls.

 

Yeah it sucks when you get unexepected news like that, and it feels like a good friend has turned on you. But seriously man, don't take it personally and don't be mad at her.

 

Think of all the couples you've been friends with who then broke up. Did you suddenly hate one of them? Unless they did something completely unforgivable, probably not. You likely still remained friends with both parties (assuming you were friends with both parties beforehand) and didn't take sides because you loved them both, despite their breakup. It was their business, not yours, and you behaved accordingly.

 

Breakups seem like the end of the world to the person who's dumped, and often to the dumpee as well. But to the outside world, even people who are close to the couple, it's like "Meh. S--t happens. Let's get a beer."

 

She's still your friend. And she still your ex's friend. That's not a bad thing.

 

But yes - DON'T CALL THE EX! You're a man, so keep proving it to yourself and you'll feel much better in the long run. Stay strong.

[onestep]

Guys,

 

Really need some encouragement today. The event from the other night has triggered a non stop train of memories followed by regret and urges to call her. Just as I was getting much much stronger I am starting to miss her even more. I still can wrap my head around how someone just leaves like that and pretty much drops off the face of the earth after all that we shared. I did have my fair share of stupidity and immature behavior, yet never severe. She just didn't want to talk, explain or work anything out. It was poof...I'm gone.

 

I recently got in contact with old mutual friends, 2 of them girls that she was relatively close with and they have bothy said that my ex has not replied to any of their attempts to reach out and see how she is doing. It's almost as if she is cutting a lot of people out.

 

I know I have a long way to go before ever trying to reconnect, yet it all seems so hard again at this point. My mind is all over them place.