lennygirl Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Starting dating L in October we met online... I gotta say he has a very interesting past and very interesting relationships. For example: - he dated a hooker temporarily after his divorce (that was a 5 yr relationship) - moved into this house and started dating his roommate. They broke up after 1.5 years. Her name is K. After they broke up his best friend started dating her - dated this petite red head who was very in tune with the spiritual world... cheated on him and became preganant with the guy she cheated on him with - met me... - his best friend passed away and since then he has rekindled a friendship with K. So about this K girl - they would go to movies together (along with K's sister) when we started dating - he is an "uncle" to K's neices because he made a promise to K to be their uncle - they message each other a couple times a week - K started following me on Instagram after meeting once... we aren't even friends on FB - K's mom added me to FB after meeting me once - L gets frusterated with K when she blows him off (has tried to arrange stuff with her but it doesn't work out) - L expressed his frusteration with K to me and even contemplated ending their friendship - K messages his funny photos and L is happy with her again Their relationship confuses me. I understood it at first when L's best friend died... but his actions and behaviour confuse me. Part of me could be reading too much into this... but part of me believes there is something still there between them? K does have a boyfriend... but... I dont know Is their relationship something I have to worry about? Its weird right? Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 I think your boyfriend is emotionally invested in his past roomie with whom he had sex with. You've only been his future ex for 4 months. Have you voiced your concerns about his over-attachment with this ex? Do they ever hang out just the two of them? He dated a hooker for 5 years? That says a lot about how unimportant monogamy is to him. Well, you're more forgiving of one's past then me, but then again ~ I'd not date anyone who is still dating an ex either. Link to comment
lennygirl Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 Oh... he dated this hooker for a couple weeks (broke up with her when he found out she was a hooker supposedly) .. was in a five year relationship previous to that...where he was married to a non hooker lol And I have told him I think hos relationship with her is weird... he just points out that both of them are with other people...he inisists I'm the one for him and that he is happy with me.... but his actions are confusing for me. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Whoops.. sory I mis-understood the hooker time line.. anyway: If he insists that you are the one for him, then why is he getting so upset when she isn't there for him when he wants her to be? To me, his involvment with her is a red flag. I don't see anything wrong with having opposite sex friends but when your opposite sex friend is in a relationship, then the dynamic needs to change wherein there is no one-on-one time together (which in effect is dating her) and the contact needs to include you as well. You told him it's weird. How about telling him it's inappropriate and disrespectful to his primary relationship? If he leaves you over telling him the truth of the matter, then better now then later. Thats just my opinion though. Short answer: If it bugs you, kindly let him know you don't like it and see if he respects you enough to change it up. Link to comment
Lester Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Ditto Thatwasthen, How do you date a hooker? Have you been checked for STD’s? (Yep, it happens to nice people like you!) The whole thing sounds like the dregs of life to me. Run! Link to comment
lennygirl Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 I'm glad you agree their relationship isn't normal. I think its completely inappropriate. By telling him that, it wouldn't be seen as controlling? And I think their may have been a couple times they saw each other alone. Others K's bf was present...the neices were their with their mom's. ..or I have been there. Link to comment
lennygirl Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 As for the STD thing I made sure he got checked. And I has a recent check with no flags. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 If something is inappropriate, then it is what it is and telling someone that wouldn't be controlling. Telling him he needs to stop their relationship all together would be conrolling. All you can do is tell him how you feel while using "I" statements (e.g. *I* feel disrespected when you put so much emotion into the fact K hasn't responded to you") about his over-involvement and then he has to be the one to decide if he values your relationship enough to distance himself from her. If he doesn't, well then You have a decision to make wherein whether or not you can live with him still being very much emotionally involved with her. That's my take on it. Hopefully you'll get lots more answers that will help you figure it out. Good luck. Link to comment
EssexMan Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 All you can do is tell him how you feel while using "I" statements (e.g. *I* feel disrespected when you put so much emotion into the fact K hasn't responded to you") about his over-involvement and then he has to be the one to decide if he values your relationship enough to distance himself from her. If he doesn't, well then You have a decision to make wherein whether or not you can live with him still being very much emotionally involved with her. I think this is right. There isn't anything out-and-out wrong with what he is doing, and it doesn't mean he is cheating, but if you are uncomfortable with it you are entitled to say so and he should at the very least be willing to discuss it with you. Link to comment
lennygirl Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 There isn't anything out-and-out wrong with what he is doing. I dont think he is cheating... but isnt his behaviour unconventional or just not how a normal relationship would be between a male and female friend? What made you say the above quote? I'm curious to know what you mean by "out-and-out wrong"? Link to comment
HeatherB Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 She sounds sort of like a substitute sister at this point. The hooker thing seems like a red herring. What to watch out for is if he puts more of his energy towards her than he does you. You deserve to be his priority and can expect to be his primary confidant. If he starts to give her what he should reserve for only you, remind him of his responsibilities as your boyfriend. Just a simple stark reminder ought to wake him up. Link to comment
lennygirl Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 To me, both of their behaviour is strange. She adds me instgram....her mom adds me to facebook..... There was this one incident where luke kept a huge secret from me and i found out... and so I went home to think about our relationship, crying because i felt betrayed.... the one person he messages to say "lennygirl and I might break up" is low and behold.. K. I keep saying how weird this is... and I'm feel I'm feeding something I know the answer to already... its just I'm too embarrassed to tell my own girlfriends... and I reqlly appreciate all the responses I've received. I'll talk to him and use your suggestions Link to comment
EssexMan Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 What made you say the above quote? I'm curious to know what you mean by "out-and-out wrong"? What I mean is I would not consider it to be something so bad that it is automatically unacceptable. It is unconventional, as you say...and that doesn't make it bad, but it does make you entitled to question it a little. Link to comment
EssexMan Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 To me, both of their behaviour is strange. She adds me instgram....her mom adds me to facebook..... Some people add everyone they encounter, even friends of friends they hardly know. I wouldn't read too much into that. Link to comment
disneyfan Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 Remember the song we were taught about friends as children? "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold." Well, like it or not, he was friends with her first. Very good friends. You can't expect him to just stop spending time with her. I don't see anything wrong with their relationship anyway. They just sound like close friends. I'm still good friends with one of my ex's, and my boyfriend has no problem with it. You have to trust him. I mean, it sounds like K and her family are trying to get to know you, trying to make you feel apart of their group of friends/family. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted February 23, 2013 Share Posted February 23, 2013 I disagree that she can't expect him to just stop spending time with her. She can expect what would make her happy and if he won't give it to her then she can make a decision of whether or not she should stay with him. If we aren't getting what we expect to get, then what is the point in settling for just what we can get and not being happy? Link to comment
lennygirl Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 Disneyfan, I pondered that as well... mabe. But still their relationship is not what I'm used to. I talked to him a bit about it saying how their relationship is confusing for me and I'm still trying to understand thie relationship. He said he is.phasing her out... but I'm not sure if phasing out includes returning her text messages. He wants to still be an uncle to the girls and said K cant be permanently out of his life because of that. Maybe this matter is just trivial. Thats kinda how I felt after our convo. But it still makes me upset that he doesn't see how invested he really is In her life. I can honestly see her having.a problem.amd him coming to the rescue. Link to comment
SudoMB Posted February 24, 2013 Share Posted February 24, 2013 Remember the song we were taught about friends as children? "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold." Well, like it or not, he was friends with her first. Very good friends. You can't expect him to just stop spending time with her. I don't see anything wrong with their relationship anyway. They just sound like close friends. I'm still good friends with one of my ex's, and my boyfriend has no problem with it. You have to trust him. I mean, it sounds like K and her family are trying to get to know you, trying to make you feel apart of their group of friends/family. I'm not sure where you got that they were very good friends before they started dating. I could understand if they were, where you are coming from, but I believe your situation is an exception... not the norm. I can't think of any of my friends who are still 'friends' with ex's and are in a healthy relationship with someone else at the moment. I didn't really capture a timeline of when he became an 'uncle', and while keeping a promise is very noble, if it causes too much of an issue with a new relationship, he has to decide if its worth it or not. I'd ride it out a bit, but don't excuse behavior you do not feel comfortable with, without giving him a chance. Keep communication clear with him regarding concerns you have. Link to comment
lennygirl Posted February 24, 2013 Author Share Posted February 24, 2013 Thanks SudoMB. I appeciate your post. I might have to ride this out. These past four/almost five months have been great. I hope these feelings/issue can be resolved. Link to comment
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