Communication

[LSgirl]

Me and my bf have been together for over 7 months. We've never argued about anything before and dont have any real problems. This past Monday my grandmother died (we werent really close but it was still sad especially for my mother.) I texted my bf around 9am that morning that she had passed away. By this time he was at golf with his dad and they dont carry their phones with them; however, I didnt hear from him until 8pm that night when he called. He asked how my day was and I told him I texted him earlier that morning about what happened and then he was finally acknowledging it.

 

On Wednesdays my bf plays basketball and I was out with my friends for some drinks. I texted him at 830pm asking how basketball was and how I was waiting around for my friend to give me a ride home. I didnt get a text back. I rarely text him (maybe 3 times at the most in a week) we usually communicate through email when we are at work.

 

Anyway, this morning he emails as normal from work asking how my night was and that basketball was cancelled and he went to his friends house to play a game board ( him and his friends are gameboard nerds lol) and that he drank too much and went home at 12:30am. This means he had all that time to text back. Its not a huge deal but I hardly ever text him and it would have been nice for him to reply back.

 

I guess Im annoyed that both times he didnt acknowledge my texts ( he always did before) but not acknowledging my text seems like he doesnt care. I dont know how to bring it up without appearing needy. I just think he could be a little more responsive. So this morning I had replied to him that I texted him last night and that my night was fine. He asked how late I stayed out and I said "I will talk to you later." What should I say?

[happyfrank]

I hope you had fun. He was busy with friends so it's no big deal.

[LSgirl]

Im glad he was out but I think its strange for someone to not acknowledge a text where I said a relative passed away until I had to bring up that I texted him about it. Also, asking how basketball is, it takes a few seconds to respond to a text. If he had emailed today "Im sorry I didnt get a chance to text you back because..." then it would be okay but to not acknowledge the text at all seems inconsiderate.

[oldenoughtoknow]

This is why I see texting as a toy. It saves a lot of frustration. Lots of people don't always have their phone at their side, and when they do grab it, they don't always check for texts. So I don't see this as anything to get upset about or read anything into, like he doesn't care.

 

I've always found being calmly assertive, in the first available moment, is the best way to affect change. Next time this happens, when you next speak to him, nicely ask him if he could check his text messages more often and respond. "I will talk to you later," sounds a little pissy. He's probably already thinking you're upset about something so it would be difficult to come back now and say anything digestible.

[wilyone 11]

Hmmm. Not responding to a text that your grandmother passed away is pretty rude. Maybe he's very immature and didn't know what to say. But then he ignored other texts.

 

Don't confront him or try to change him, just take this as a sign that he may not be the right guy for you. He may be feeling too comfortable and want space. Who knows? Just pull back yourself. Don't initiate unless necessary, don't respond to all of his texts and emails. Or take awhile to respond. Pull back and he'll start wondering and thinking. Actions speak much louder than words in these situations. See if he misses you and steps up his game.

[wilyone 11]

Next time this happens, when you next speak to him, nicely ask him if he could check his text messages more often and respond .

 

I've tried this approach and it backfired in a big way. It comes accross as pretty needy. And it would make a lot of guys feel suffocated.

[LSgirl]

I know that people are busy so Ive been trying to be understanding, I didnt say anything Monday when he didnt say anything about my grandma but now I do want to say something in a constructive way. I wouldnt mind if he had texted me in the middle of the night but I guess it just bothered me that he didnt acknowledge my text even the next day. It honestly makes me not want to text him back right away. i know hes not doing it on purpose but I think he could try to be more atuned to my feelings as I am for him. All in all, not a huge deal, just frustrating for me.

[LSgirl]

I think if I dont say anything then nothing will change. He may not even know his lack of response is affecting me so ill bring it up briefly tonight. Ill also take more time to respond to emails or texts. Its nothing I consider a dealbreaker but U just want to be acknowledged. Like I said, I rarely text him so when I do it would just be nice to hear back from him. Other than that hes very devoted and affectionate but may just be oblivious to this text issue.

[happyfrank]

He is your boyfriend. Why not call him? You have the right to call him whenever you want.

[LSgirl]

I didnt call him last night because I thought he was at basketball and dont want to bother him. I didnt know until this morning it was cancelled and he was with friends.

[happyfrank]

I didnt call him last night because I thought he was at basketball and dont want to bother him. I didnt know until this morning it was cancelled and he was with friends.

 

Don't worry about that. You won't bother him if he cares about you. If I noticed missed call. I would call when I can.

[LSgirl]

Thank you for all your replies! I e-mailed him with my thoughts and was honest as I could be. He immediately responded with this below and I appreciate his reply:

 

Okay, thank you for telling me. I'm sorry I didn't get back to you in a timely way last night. I didn't see your text until I was leaving Adrian's place, at which point I figured it was too late at night and we would just chat this morning. I did see the previous text, where you asked if I wanted to double date with Nikki. I responded to that because I saw it quickly. I'm still interested in doing that. I don't mean to make you feel insignificant -- you aren't.

 

I thought us talking about your grandmother in person was the thing to do, which is what we eventually did. (Me: we didn't actually talk in person, it was only over the phone but he may not remember) In retrospect and knowing how you feel about it now, I should have written that in text first, or just said something. I definitely dropped the ball there. I'm glad you're telling me it's affecting you. I do care for you and it upsets me when you're upset. I'm sorry I haven't done a better job of conveying those feelings to you when we are apart.

 

Can I see you tonight?

[HeatherB]

Wow. He sounds like a wonderful man. Take good care of him. He's a keeper.

[LSgirl]

Yes, he's really awesome. This is probably why we never argue lol but I hope to keep him. I realize in the grand scheme of things that a text unanswered is not what makes the world go around but I figured if I didn't say anything to him that I would just let it build up inside me and annoy me. Thanks again!

[oldenoughtoknow]

You see? Being calmly assertive works. It's a little scary at first, but it's the best way to communicate. Remember when you said this?

 

"I've tried this approach and it backfired in a big way. It comes accross as pretty needy. And it would make a lot of guys feel suffocated."

 

What do you think now? I think the key is to do it at the first available moment and to be calm. Don't be accusatory or condescending. Use "I" statements. If it backfires, then this isn't a person you want to be with - where's the partnership if you're afraid to rock the boat or talk about certain subjects? I know that doesn't work for me, and it shouldn't work for you either.

 

What are the alternatives? To immediately scream gibberish, or to remain quiet, build resentment, and eventually scream gibberish. I know those routes are popular, but they won't get you what you want.

[faerietale]

My boyfriend does this, too. Texting is convenient but also very problematic because it's not the form of communication that is best for everyone. From what it sounds like, since you two email each other a lot, maybe that's his preferred form of communication (also on the phone and face to face) but texting is not his thing. He mentioned that he didn't see certain texts, that he read certain texts at odd hours so he didn't want to wake you etc... so it sounded like it's just not his style, which is understandable.

 

It's good that you spoke to him and expressed your concerns. I hope he knows that certain texts are more urgent than others, etc so that you two can avoid problems like this.