So confused - got myself in a real pickle- advise please

[pokerface81]

Ok where to start well I'm married have been for 3 years but 5 years ago I was in love with a guy we never had real relationship just sex even though I made my feeling clear, he was young and not ready. I was ready to try. We worked together and had fun and good sex but he could be a real ******* at times and was very immature and would say such hurtful stuff, but I always forgave him, I even got so mad I slept with another guy to piss him off at the time I didn't think he cared. to cut a long story short he got the sack and we parted ways we would text from time to time and I would think of him all the time, life got in the way and I met My now husband we got married after 12 months of meeting, quick I know but I had it in my head I was running out of time. He had a drug problem and in turn my casual use (few times a year) turned into a habit (5 out of 7 days of our week off together). We were in love and got hitched he promised it would stop after the wedding ha ha but the morning after our wedding he went out for 10 min and brought some back with him. this went on for another year I figured a Baby would make it stop and it did I fell pregnant and we now have a gorgeous 18 month old that means the would to us both! We have been having allot of problems since getting clean and it seems we have nothing in common anymore. I suffered from post natal depression which didn't help. I invited the other guy to our wedding (we were always good mates before and after) he didn't come we caught up several times he would always say how lucky my husband was I never thought anything of it until my daughters first birthday that evening he text me telling me he loved me and had for years and how he wished he told me sooner but he thought I was happy so he didn't, he said he didn't know what he had till he lost it.

Nothing much came of that until a few month later we went to a concert together went back to his place and talked for hours then cuddled and kissed a couple times he cried and poured his heart out then I left and went home. I didn't feel guilty at all for some reason, but since then we have been talking allot and texting and have slept together a few times. He said he will wait for me forever and I have tried to leave my husband but I can't because I don't want to be away from my daughter and because of his roster he would want to have her for a week and I just can't bear that though (he is a great father). I do love my husband and he is really good to me and my daughter but the flame just inst there. I have told the other guy I love him and want to be with him allot and now I'm getting sick of the lies and its all really stressing me out! my daughter is my priority but I'm now at the point I don't want to hurt either of them and the thoughts I get are not great. I just want life to go back to the way it was not knowing how he felt because I do want another child and he wants it to be with him so now if I call it off and have another baby with my husband I would feel awful like I was throwing it in his face. I'm worried he might do something stupid because I know how deeply he loves me. I'm such a bad person and I have done this to myself but to hear him say he loves me just makes me melt. Please help what would you do in this situation?

[nutbrownhare]

Firstly, don't even CONTEMPLATE having another child right now. With either of them. You think things are complicated now? They could be even worse.

 

Congratulations on both of you for getting clean; it can't have been easy, and the fact that you've maintained it (assuming you have) is a miracle. Sadly, it's not unusual for addicts to find that they've nothing in common once their drug of choice is no longer part of their lives. However, against all odds, your husband is turning out to be a great father and together you have a chance to have a happy family life. It's not true you've nothing in common; you've got your daughter.

 

Even if you WERE ready to leave your husband, I would not bank on the other guy. His interest in you really started when you were no longer available, and I'm guessing that if you were to leave your husband and confront him with the realities of family life, he'd run a mile. He is not an honourable person; he has already shown himself ready to tear your family apart and, when he wasn't trying to win you, he was hurtful and abusive. If you're seriously worried he'd do something stupid if he doesn't get his own way, he's clearly very immature as well. All this passion and drama may seem very intoxicating, but if you've been suffering from depression then your life probably seemed very flat before all this happened anyway.

 

Don't confuse drama and obsession with love. His feelings for you aren't likely to last if you were truly available to him.

 

Your way out of this messy situation starts with you. If you are still suffering from depression you need to deal with it first and foremost. Also, the fact that you got involved with your husband when he still used drugs, maintained an unrewarding relationship where the guy used you for sex and was abusive (even though you excuse his behaviour on the grounds of immaturity) and are now pursuing an extra-marital affair, suggests that you have problems establishing and maintaining healthy relationships. Sometimes people who act out their lives like this have a deep underlying depression, and all the ups and downs, fights and dramas make them feel alive.

 

I doubt that you will find your way out of the tangle without support; do not turn to either of these men for this, but have a look online to see if CoDependents Anonymous have any meetings locally. And go to them!

 

Right now, you need to make sure you don't get involved any more deeply with the other guy. Certainly don't sleep with him again. You need to take back your sense of responsibility for your own life; what he does is his responsibility, and his alone.

[pokerface81]

Thanks so much for your advise and support