ballerinababe Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 I attended a singles meetup awhile ago and had a really good time. Ended up talking to one guy in particular with whom I had a lot in common. The singles meetup group isn't one where people tend to "hook up" or anything. It seems like the dynamic is more about single people hanging out and making new friends...or something...I really don't know as I only attended this one event. It was his first event too. Anyway, he is new in town and we exchanged contact information at the end of the evening. I messaged him soon thereafter with some information I'd promised him. We ended up writing a bit back and forth and made plans to meet. I'd asked him if he wanted to go to the ballet with me as he also is into ballet. He agreed and suggested we meet for dinner beforehand. A week before the ballet he emailed me saying he had a work conflict and couldn't make it (I know this to be true and not a flakeout) but said we should do something else "some weekend." I then suggested we meet that weekend at a café. We did and ended up talking for 4 hours. I really enjoyed our conversation. At the time I only was thinking of him as a potential new friend, but after that lovely afternoon I gradually began to feel something beyond platonic. Afterwards he thanked me for the "enchanting" afternoon. We kind of mutually made plans to meet again, but really, again, it was I who instigated plans. So we're meeting this weekend. Suddenly I feel really nervous about the whole thing. I wonder what he is thinking. He's new in town so it's highly likely he's just being really social with anyone who reaches out. But how do I find out if he feels this sort of excited way that I now feel? I admit I am a very impatient person and I am usually proactive when it comes to guys I like. But it has usually ended in disaster when I pursue the guy so this time I am just going to behave nothing beyond friendly. He is not a flirtatious type at all and we didn't flirt when we were around each other. However, we were both really engaged in the conversation. I don't know what to think or what exactly I'm trying to ask... I guess just wondering how do I find out what he thinks of me? Just be patient and wait and see if he makes an overture? We both are obviously single, so... Link to comment
LoveSoDeep Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 Ummmm...you could just ask him..... Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted February 21, 2013 Author Share Posted February 21, 2013 No, because I don't want to ruin a potential friendship. I'm just curious if we're headed down a strictly friendship path or perhaps there is the possibility of romance. But I guess only time will tell and I just needed to vent about this. I don't really have anyone else to talk about it with. Link to comment
Mike414 Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 No, because I don't want to ruin a potential friendship. I'm just curious if we're headed down a strictly friendship path or perhaps there is the possibility of romance. But I guess only time will tell and I just needed to vent about this. I don't really have anyone else to talk about it with. If you have romantic feelings at all then this is never going to be a conventional friendship anyway. At least not until you have moved on to someone new. If you even think for a second you want to be more then friends, do yourself a big favor and get it out right away. That is the best advice I can give you. LoveSoDeep said it all. Link to comment
lila... Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 I think you're over-thinking things a bit, which is perfectly understandable at the beginning stages of dating. But I think it's too soon to tell anything for sure. It's hard to tell if he's the passive type and if he's actually into you, for that you need more dates to progress. Things seem to look good so far. You're going on a date this weekend so just enjoy it, relax, and don't overthink things because your nervousness/anxiety will show and jeopardize your chances. Link to comment
Vaglar Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 No way to know. Just keep seeing him, keep in touch and make plans to meet (try to mention when do you meet next when you're about to part). Don't worry about being the one making plans. If he agrees to go out when you ask him out, it's all good regardless of who ask who. You will eventually know if this is going somewhere - either he will fade out or let you down gently (by canceling without proposing a new date), or things will keep going that way and escalate. Link to comment
Ayanokōji Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 No, because I don't want to ruin a potential friendship. I'm just curious if we're headed down a strictly friendship path or perhaps there is the possibility of romance. But I guess only time will tell and I just needed to vent about this. I don't really have anyone else to talk about it with. Worst idea ever simply because you seem to assume that you can control your emotions, if romance is even a 1% possibility now then further down the track... if everything is going right then what? You going to be scared to ruin this friendship thats far more dear to you than a while back and at the same have romantic feelings for him, then you've royally screwed yourself. Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted February 21, 2013 Author Share Posted February 21, 2013 If you have romantic feelings at all then this is never going to be a conventional friendship anyway. At least not until you have moved on to someone new. If you even think for a second you want to be more then friends, do yourself a big favor and get it out right away. That is the best advice I can give you. LoveSoDeep said it all. That's true, but I think I will see how our upcoming meeting goes before blurting out anything. I tend to get really excited about people early on and then once I get to know them better realize we are not compatible after all. I don't want to make the same mistake again. Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted February 21, 2013 Share Posted February 21, 2013 So I'm assuming you haven't kissed yet. I'm also not a fan of "talking" about these things - you're either feeling it, or you're not. You met at a singles meetup group. Singles. Of course this is about dating, not friendship, because...what, married people can't make new friends too? I wouldn't get too hooked into maybe him thinking this is just a friendship. He should know what's going on. More likely, he's passive or a bit shy. If I were you, this weekend I would throw out a few mild flirts and see what he does with them. Then, I'd try to line up a situation where a first kiss is utterly appropriate. Use your imagination. Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted February 21, 2013 Author Share Posted February 21, 2013 So I'm assuming you haven't kissed yet. Oh no, nothing like that! Not even a friendly hug. We high-fived once. Ha ha. I'm also not a fan of "talking" about these things - you're either feeling it, or you're not. Exactly. I think it should just happen organically. Otherwise it wasn't meant to happen...at least not with me. You met at a singles meetup group. Singles. Of course this is about dating, not friendship, because...what, married people can't make new friends too? Haha, good point...That's kind of what I was hoping to hear... I wouldn't get too hooked into maybe him thinking this is just a friendship. He should know what's going on. More likely, he's passive or a bit shy. If I were you, this weekend I would throw out a few mild flirts and see what he does with them. Then, I'd try to line up a situation where a first kiss is utterly appropriate. Use your imagination. Yes, I have some ideas for some subtle cues... Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I think you are WAY overthinking this. Don't ask "where you stand." I would just continue to go out one on one with this guy and see how things go. My boyfriend is not a flirtatious person either. We were attracted because we had great conversations initially and just enjoyed eachother's company. No gentleman is going to talk dirty to you or be suggestive during the first meetings and some people aren't "huggers." My boyfriend doesn't hug friends or new people or anybody but me and his little nephew regularly or grandma, and for other people it is saying goodbye when they are moving away or they stayed over for a week or its their wedding. I think after things get going, after a bunch of dates, then maybe you need to ask what he is looking for down the road - is he looking to date around, looking for a girlfriend, etc? So you know you are with someone who wants what you want. A lot of guys are told women like guys who listen to them, have good conversation and have fun with them or share common interests. He is trying to get to know you first. is that bad? If you rate a guy based on how quick he flirts with you. My experience if a guy is overly flirtatious on the first meetup or date, he is that way to all women because at that point I am little more than a stranger. I think that if he met you at a singles event and then asked you out for a one on one and you are going out again to something more involved in coffee, he does want to get to know you and it could turn into more later. Don't reject him because he didn't try to grab you in the "right" amount of time. I would not count on a first kiss on your second one on one meeting, or more so, if it happens, don't anticipate it, just be glad if it does - but don't rate him negatively if he doesn't kiss you. Some people like to get to know a person first. But that's just me. maybe i am old fashioned. Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 We met tonight! We had originally planned meeting tomorrow but yesterday he popped up online and somehow we ended up making plans to meet a day early (his suggestion!). We were together for 6 hrs talking the whole time. It was a superb evening!! But it seems we were bound for just friendship. I don't feel like he is attracted to me. Who knows. He told me enthusiastically what an awesome time he had on several occasions. He initiated a double-handed high-five at one point. Ha ha. Gosh, I really like him. It's making me a little depressed because I don't get any vibes from him that he feels anything beyond a platonic connection. Argh!! Abitbroken, thanks for the thoughtful feedback! I definitely don't rate a guy based on how quickly he flirts with me but I usually think I can tell by a guy's demeanor and overall vibe whether or not he is attracted to me. And I don't get that sense from this fellow. To be honest I would not want to kiss him at this point; I prefer not to jump into that sort of thing. But I really would have liked a hug good night...We had such a lovely time together that I felt on several occasions like hugging him spontaneously and I actually had to stop myself from instinctively doing so! Alas... But yeah, maybe he's just not a hugger... So I just have to wait it out, huh? Oh my... I can't believe I met someone I actually like!! This is insane! Link to comment
ballerinababe Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 Forgot to mention.. For awhile we were sitting next to each other on a piano bench, playing a duet. He was being careful to sit far enough away on the bench so that we were not touching at all, to the point where his hands were at a really awkward position to play! Finally I said "You should slide down a little" at which point he seemed to hesitate/freeze. So then I just moved the bench down so he could play at a better angle but wouldn't have to sit any closer to me. What was the deal with that? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 Forgot to mention.. For awhile we were sitting next to each other on a piano bench, playing a duet. He was being careful to sit far enough away on the bench so that we were not touching at all, to the point where his hands were at a really awkward position to play! Finally I said "You should slide down a little" at which point he seemed to hesitate/freeze. So then I just moved the bench down so he could play at a better angle but wouldn't have to sit any closer to me. What was the deal with that? He still hardly knows you. Guys sometimes are hesitant to initiate physical contact to not appear as a lech. He could be a gentleman or he could be awkward. I would initiate some friendly touch on your end, such as to lightly touch his elbow, etc, when you are making a point or he tells a funny joke or you are pointing out something to him accross the street, etc. I would continue to go out as you guys seem to be really hitting it off. I mean, you have only seen him twice outside the single's group, right? To be honest I would not want to kiss him at this point; I prefer not to jump into that sort of thing. He seems to be eager to see you again and again so I would just roll with it for now. He may feel the same as you, so he is avoiding contact. And many girls rather have a guy who initiates seeing them like this guy does than a smooth operator. it wouldn't hurt to ask after a few more "dates" == "so, are you seeing anyone...else?". Just have a great time and be sure to start talking about your personal life rather than just interesting topics and find out about him - does he have brothers and sisters? kids? What brings him to this town? etc. Maybe you can get some insight into more about who he is and if he is someone you have things in common enough to date. Link to comment
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