Hold on Loosely?

[Ne Moe]

Hi all,

I need some advice.

 

I have been seeing a great guy for 10 months. We knew each other vaguely through friends before we started going out. I had been about 4 years single at the time and he had been 12 years single.

I am 30, with a child. He is 42 with no children.

 

Everything just went really well for us. It was easy and light, we never fought. We both had our own lives but began integrating into each others lives and everything was going really well. I truly felt I had met my soulmate.

 

After 6 months together I took a turn which meant I had to stay out of work for 2 months. I was renting a house for myself and my child and wasn't able to afford to stay there when I had no work. I considered moving to my home town but my boyfriend suggested I come and live there until I got back on my feet. So I did.

 

I was wary at first but it actually went really well. We got on great and were very happy.

 

After a couple of months I recovered and we decided mutually that I would go back to renting my own place so as not to rush into anything. At the time he was sad about me leaving and talked about a time when I would move back in with him. This was November.

 

By December he said he was confused and having doubts about what he wanted, that he cared about me but he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to be the person I deserved him to be. He felt that having to do typical "relationship" stuff (meeting my parents, christmas gifts etc) was putting a lot of pressure on him and he was overwhelmed. Around the same time I was diagnosed with a long term illness which may or may not result in me being disabled in the future. He was great and supportive throughout the illness and diagnosis because I was devastated. It all got too much.

 

Initially I said we'd just give it time but the same doubts kept creeping up and eventually I said I would give him space to decide what he wanted.

He kept in touch and would come in to visit but I felt a disconnection from him, he wasn't physically affectionate and there was definitely a lack of wanting to be physical on his part (rushing off, sitting away from me in a chair instead of on the sofa).

So every week he'd ask for more time to get his head straight but last night I told him that he'd had a month now and that I wasn't able to give him more time when what we have is no longer any sort of a relationship and it feels like we've already broken up.

 

He insisted he cares about me and he has no interest in being with someone else. He doesn't want us to break up because he thinks it's very final and he thinks that in a few weeks he will have his head straight and be able to deal with being in a relationship. He didn't mention work but this is his busy season and he is basically working 24/7 at the moment.

He doesn't want to be physical with me because he thinks that doing so when he is so unsure is using me and deceiving me and he doesn't want to do that.

 

But as I said to him, if we're not together, then we're broken up? But he doesn't want that either.

 

 

I'm so confused. I adore him and I really saw my future with him. He is a good man, and I believe what he says (that he doesn't want to be with someone else etc).

When I talk about breaking up (not seeing each other, me getting my stuff from his house etc) he is very reluctant. He says we have such a good thing and a great foundation for starting something up again once his head is straight and he can deal with relationship pressures. He hates the thought of me not being in his life and when he talks of the future it's like he's sure we'll get back together.

 

I've had mixed views from people, ranging from cut him off and never speak to him again. To others who say that he is swamped with work, dealing with my diagnosis and I should give him time to think things through.

 

So I heard the term "hold on loosely" which basically means we aren't together but we aren't not together. I get on with my life while still allowing him to be a part of it while getting his head together.

 

I tend to be the type to cut all contact and I am not friends with any exes at all. But hey, that hasn't worked for me in the past so maybe it's time to try something new?

 

Anyone try this approach or have a similar situation?

[RedDress]

Personally, I prefer your 'usual' method of cutting all contact and not being friends. The truth is - if he realizes that he made a horrible mistake, he will realize that whether you are around or not (maybe even more so if you are not around?). I've had guys come back after cutting contact... Either he will make that decision or he won't. Him hanging around will only serve to confuse you and put you on 'hold', IMO.

 

And really... I think this is where it all started going wrong (even though it was "mutual")

 

After a couple of months I recovered and we decided mutually that I would go back to renting my own place so as not to rush into anything. At the time he was sad about me leaving and talked about a time when I would move back in with him. This was November.

 

Moving out after a couple of months is actually hard work! People, in general, are lazy and like to go for 'easy'. Status quo usually prevails. The fact that you came to this very active decision tells me that he was also unsure of the relationship in November. It's now mid-Feb. So... he's been thinking about this for 3-4 months.

 

I agree with you that he's probably a good guy (after taking you in, etc). I also agree that it's probably not about seeing someone else. It's about not really being into the relationship. There's probably also an element of not wanting to hurt your feelings and genuinely liking you as a person... maybe also not wanting to be alone again... but that's not the same as wanting the relationship.

 

I think you've been in limbo long enough. I don't think that you should continue the limbo in the hopes that he'll change his mind.

[Ne Moe]

To be honest, I'm usually a very proactive person and would usually abhorr the thought of hanging around waiting for someone to make a decision. And that's not really what I'm suggesting.

 

If I cut this man out of my life, he will respect that. Even if he wants to get back in touch, I don't think he would. He's a very literal person and for him, me saying "No contact" would stop him getting in touch with me at all.

 

I suppose what I am thinking is I just get on with my life, as a single person, and still maintain some contact with him. Be that meeting for a drink or the occasional text or call........

I just amn't sure that completely blocking him and cutting him out of my life is the best idea.

 

No contact before has always resulted in a split ending up very bitter and mean spirited. It has never worked. I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt like hell to see him. But I can't help but think that for now, it would hurt more to not see him.

 

As for the moving out, that was actually all me. I always swore after my last relationship, that I wouldn't live with a man before I was engaged. So I wanted to move out. I instigated it and I followed through. I didn't really want to and he didn't want me to, but I was stubborn and thought it was the "right" way to make this go the distance.

[RedDress]

An alternative might be to say:

 

"I really want to be with you, and I really want to be in a relationship with you. I understand if you are confused - but while you are undecided, I think I need to go my separate way so that I can heal and move on. If you ever change your mind, though, please be in contact. To be clear - this is not really what I want but rather what I have to do. I'd really prefer just to be together"

 

That way you aren't saying "no contact" - but in essence, you are doing "no contact".

 

If he's a very literal person, he should take "get back in touch" to mean "get back in touch".

[mhowe]

By December he said he was confused and having doubts about what he wanted, that he cared about me but he wasn't sure if he was going to be able to be the person I deserved him to be. He felt that having to do typical "relationship" stuff (meeting my parents, christmas gifts etc) was putting a lot of pressure on him and he was overwhelmed. Around the same time I was diagnosed with a long term illness which may or may not result in me being disabled in the future. He was great and supportive throughout the illness and diagnosis because I was devastated. It all got too much.

 

I think this is the crux of the issue -- and that is because it is a "big deal". He is no longer just looking at the present, but at the future. As you were dating for 10 months, then moved in -- I get the moving back out, especially since you have a child. But he is looking down the road and wondering if he is capable of making that commitment -- and this brought it to the fore front.

 

I would leave him be -- move on. If he truly wants to make a commitment, he will come back. But you need to stop living in limbo. If you want to "hold on loosely", do...but I think this looming health issue changed the future in his mind....and he feels like a heal about it, but it is what it is.