Methods on distancing yourself and healing from a 'breakup' with close friend

[dion333]

Hey

 

Does anyone have any methods/techniques/advice on distancing yourself&detaching slowly from a very long term close friendship (any tips on dealing with the inevitable hurt of distancing would be good too).

 

The friendship hasn't ended with a major blowout, it's more a decision to end it where the friend concerned feels like they're still a close friend, but you feel this isn’t the case due to some of there actions.(I’ve discussed issues with them to ‘rescue’ the f’ship, and they hadn’t taken any of it on board-so it’s the end of the line)

 

In your opinion, is slowly distancing a good method? If you have any personal experiences to share, that would be good.

 

 

'Dear best friend, I thought you should know that I miss you and all the laughs we used to have. I wish our friendship wasn't fading & every passing day, youre closer to being forgotten and even so I wish our friendship had not been killed along with our fate.’

Thanks

[lavenderdove]

Is that quote you bolded what you wrote to the friend, or the friend wrote to you?

[TheRawTruth]

I've been in this situation before. Or at least a similar one.

 

I had a VERY good friend who was very special to me. But after a couple years I noticed contact falling off, not being there when I needed her, etc. When we'd talk she'd agree to do better, but it always seemed to go back. (Old habits die hard, I guess.)

 

Finally, I went to visit/meet her in another state. Let's just say I was very upset at the way things went down while I was there. I won't get into it, but, it definitely made me see her in a different light. She claimed it wasn't intentional, etc. but I wasn't sure how sincere the apology was.

 

Yet even AFTER that, we tried talking and maintaining the friendship, but I just heard from her less & less (the OPPOSITE of what should happen if she was truly sorry, and/or loves & cares about me the way she SAYS she does).

 

These days, we rarely communicate. (Though our friendship isn't "over.") I have other friends I speak to/confide in/joke with. I got to a point where I no longer cared if we talked or not. It was no longer an issue that she hadn't contacted me. I had no interest in calling her, either. When she'd call, I'd talk. But there wasn't a real "care" there anymore. Things were different now, and I was OK with that. Why?

 

I'd like to say I just finally realized I don't need a half-assed friend like that in my life, who doesn't care enough to do the LITTLE things I ask of her, AS A FRIEND, but she has time for everything else. But the truth is, that was only PART of it. The other half, was that I was simply "over it" after a while. And had this "I don't give a f*** one way or the other" attitude when it came to her. Not like an a**hole or anything, just simply no longer NEEDING her AS MY FRIEND. I have other friends, a girlfriend, other interests, etc. If she can't be the friend I need her to be, on with the next.

[dion333]

No. I just felt like writing that.It's how i feel.

[dion333]

Thanks therawtruth for sharing that. Did you distance yourself bit by bit?

[happpybear]

i distance, thiugh i have done the break-up letter but that was in a different situation where the friend did something bad that i just couldn't ignore.

 

if there hasn't been a huge falling-out, then distance yourself slowly, just stop being around. Also i find it helpful to adjust your perception and expectations of the person, i have one friend that is much like TheRawtruth's above, so when i adjusted my expectations i just didn't care anymore if we talked to one another. I also find it helpful to keep convo's light, so don't really talk about the heavy stuff or really personal stuff in your life and don't ask about theirs, just do small talk and jokes, that helps with the distancing, essentially they will become an acquaintance.

[dion333]

Thanks for that advice. I agree. This is a hurtful process. You're diluting what was once a close bond. Thanks for the advice people

[lavenderdove]

Friendships are optional and friends do come and go over a liftetime as people and circumstances change. Most friendships do just drift apart over time unless one person is adamant about not letting the other person go and just demands attention etc.

 

But if you do want to get out of the friendship, just stop initiating contact first. And start by not answering and/or returning every phone call, and only responding to contact rather than initating. and you can always say you are busy and do get busy with other things and people.

 

I had one friend i was very close to and had been over the years, but she lapsed into a drug habit. Her behavior got more and more erratic and she was on the one hand very demanding when she was in the mood to talk, but then also very unreliable when we made plans. When I figured out what her problem was (stimulants and coke), and that she was in denial and not interested in stopping, i just stopped calling her gradually stopped taking her and turned down invitations over time. But in the end i unfortunately had to stop responding entirely because she was too messed up and I am not into drugs and frankly couldn't watch/be involved with her while watching her deteriorate and refusing to deal with her issues and stop. She was going to do what she was going to do, and i chose not to tolerate that or watch it... It was especially hard because it was clear what was wrong, yet she would not acknowledge it so i basically had no choice but to cut her off because she refused to be honest with me and deal with her addiction.

 

So recognize that friendship is optional and if someone is doing/being things that just isn't compatible with you or your lifestyle, it is OK to stop responding and if necessary just go no contact because the person isn't getting that you have nothing left in common and your lives are taking different paths. You could try to talk to them first, but that just brings a lot of drama sometimes and it depends on how much of that you want to participate in.

[dion333]

Most r'ships are optional. This doesn’t make anything any easier

[happpybear]

in my experience, when i have faded-out a friend, there was no resistance. it was like we faded each other out. Although, i find sometimes that certain circumstances require total honesty about your intentions

 

For example, i have a friend right now who (based on what is written above) is doing the classic fade-out on me. Never really initiates, is vague about plans, returns calls weeks or months later, etc.

 

whenever i do talk to her, i get confused because she admits to not being a good friend, and that she knows she needs to be more involved in my life etc. so i will try to plan something with her but the cycle continues. we live in the same city, within 5 minute walking distance, yet i haven't seen her in over a year!

 

So when i try to clarify whether we are friends, she always says yes, and that she misses me. she explains that she is depressed and has a hard time doing things for others. However she has a boyfriend who she talks to everyday and i know she sees my messages on her phone when she texts/calls him everyday, yet she won't reply to me. I also know that she has another friend who she talks to a lot and makes time to hang out with more than me. I find it really confusing, so I have written her off for my own peace of mind.

 

I would love if she would be honest and just say the obvious. So if at any point during your fade-out, this friend in question asks you what is going on, i suggest you be totally honest.

[TheRawTruth]

Thanks therawtruth for sharing that. Did you distance yourself bit by bit?

 

Not necessarily. I sent her an email after our issue happened. She read PART of it, then texted me a bunch of lovy dovy sentiments. OK, that's cool to tide me over, but she never did FINISH the letter. I'd ask her about, she'd swear she'd read it, then a month would go by, and still nothing. I just got tired of the bulls**t and THAT made me start to no longer care. And yeah, we've talked since then. Texted a little. A few "I love you's" here & there. But nothing that ever made me feel like things were "back to normal" again.

[dion333]

Thanks. This is what i mean. It gets very confusing, also i dislike the fact that they pop up only when they have problems and they claim to be 'really busy' but are clearly meeting others in your locality, they then confess there amazing close friendship with you. I Oh i would be very clear if i was asked 'what was the matter'. I'm hoping the fade out will be without much drama.

[TheRawTruth]

Thanks. This is what i mean. It gets very confusing, also i dislike the fact that they pop up only when they have problems and they claim to be 'really busy' but are clearly meeting others in your locality, they then confess there amazing close friendship with you. I Oh i would be very clear if i was asked 'what was the matter'. I'm hoping the fade out will be without much drama.

 

EXACTLY. This is precisely what I went through.

 

You have time to meet guys.

You have time for your family.

You have time to hang out with your girls on occasion.

You have time for Facebook.

 

And you LOVE me soooooo much (and I'm your best friend) but you DON'T make time for ME? Bulls**t.

 

The way I see it, friends who always let other things or other people cause them to be "too busy" for you, are not as dedicated to you or the friendship, as you are to them.

 

You should ASK them one day: "Why can't *I* ever be one of the things that causes you to be "too busy" for somebody ELSE?" See what they say.

 

(Not saying YOU, since you're almost OVER it. But if it ever comes up, don't be afraid to ask. I like that you said you'd have no problem telling her what's on your mind.)

[dion333]

it's the mixed signals that get confusing and you have that nagging feeling that 'this doesn't feel right anymore'.Which if you ignore starts to affect yourself esteem.. That’s what's confusing. and friendships do create pain and similar issues to romantic r'ships, even though alot of people these days 'trivialize' friendships and think it's so easy to just deal with because they're not 'as important' as romantic r'ships. I'm talking about close f'ships here. The rules of just moving on easily and dropping etc apply to acquaintances, which come and go , and you didn't meet that often or share much personal info with anyway.However, close friends you've known for years and have shared family,r;ship,career,everyday pains and fears, hobbies etc do hurt when they start to mess you around.

[meoww]

Like you said yourself, ignoring the feeling that something is up is just going make it hurt more. Be aware of what is happening to you. If they are hinting that they don't want to hang out as much anymore, then being clingy, for example, isn't going to make them want to stay friends with you.

 

If you read them well and interpret their words and behavior adeptly, you'll when to distance yourself.

 

Rejection and rejecting hurts for everyone, if that helps at all. Everyone gets dumped by friends every once in a while.

[dion333]

Sorry, i don't feel you've understood what i've written.Although it's fine, that's your view on matters.thanks

[TheRawTruth]

it's the mixed signals that get confusing and you have that nagging feeling that 'this doesn't feel right anymore'.Which if you ignore starts to affect yourself esteem.. That’s what's confusing. and friendships do create pain and similar issues to romantic r'ships, even though alot of people these days 'trivialize' friendships and think it's so easy to just deal with because they're not 'as important' as romantic r'ships. I'm talking about close f'ships here. The rules of just moving on easily and dropping etc apply to acquaintances, which come and go , and you didn't meet that often or share much personal info with anyway.However, close friends you've known for years and have shared family,r;ship,career,everyday pains and fears, hobbies etc do hurt when they start to mess you around.

 

The part in BOLD, I agree with WHOLEHEARTEDLY. People do minimize the importance of friendships A LOT! "Oh that's 'just' my friend", as if it's no big deal. "If it's JUST your FRIEND, why does it BOTHER you so much?" Uhh, same reason it would bother you if your SISTER & you fell out, or she stopped communicating. I hate when people act like UNLESS it's a romantic relationship, it can't be that important.